I was off work yesterday. I woke up late because I went out with friends the night before drinking socially, got home around 1am and proceeded to drink till about 4am; even then I was drunk trying to tell myself not to have another one. The next day I was in a fog full of pain from the night before. I went out, nowhere really to go, just had to get out of the house. Returned home around 4pm after picking up more booze. I looked at the clock and told myself "Ok, don't start drinking until at least 5." I kept looking at the clock every few minutes. I knew if I had that first drink too early that when the night came around I would feel ill and would have to drink even more than usual to end the day. I walked around the house; so many things that need to be done but no interest in doing anything else. At 4:40 I wrapped myself up in a small project that kept me buy till almost 6:00. I made my drink at 5:57 and waited for 6:00 before I took a sip. After midnight I had to force myself to stop and go to bed.
No question in my mind that I'm addicted. Even as I write this, I'm about to get ready for work, but can't help thinking about calling into work so I can have another drink. I definitely need help; the fighting with myself about how, when, and where I'm gonna have a drink is torture. It feels good to be able to share this. I'll keep beating myself up; because I have to believe that I'll be able to make the commitment to get sober and start to recover.