So my husband is at home right now
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 1,340
Originally Posted by Yesterdaysnumb 
So we came back. They admitted him for 3 days. They only treated his withdrawl symptoms not his addiction. He got a beer the minute he left. It was a waste of 400 dollars.
The purpose of alcohol detox is to get people through alcohol withdrawal without going into DTs. Delerium tremens has a mortality rate of up to 15%. People can't get sober if they die withdrawing from alcohol first... but they'll end up in the exact same place again in short order if they don't immediately follow up with a plan to deal with their addiction.
And it's up to them- or us, I should say- if we want to do that. The other options are to keep drinking until we die in an accident, or by violence, or by our bodies failing in any number of ways, or you never know, live to a ripe old age having wasted our lives and been a drain on everyone around us. It's up to our loved ones how long they want to put up with watching us kill ourselves.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by laurie6781
I would like to suggest you come on over to our Friends and Familys of Alcoholics Forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are lots of GREAT folks there, that have been where you are now. Using various methods (AA, counseling, therapy, reading, etc)they have or are getting through these hard times with their A.
As has been said, this is very difficult for your children. You finding a rehab, you finding a detox, is NOT helping him.
You didn't CAUSE this,
You can't CONTROL this, and
You can't CURE this.
It is all on him. Sounds to me like he has no 'desire' at all to leave his nice 'cushy' situation.
Therefore, over on Friends and Familys there is a lot of really really good ES&H on how to set boundaries (your boundaries) how to keep those boundaries and how to stick to the consequences.
As a 'double winner' (longtime recovery in both AA and AlAnon) I strongly urge you to get over the F&F of Alcoholics forum.
Love and hugs,
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are lots of GREAT folks there, that have been where you are now. Using various methods (AA, counseling, therapy, reading, etc)they have or are getting through these hard times with their A.
As has been said, this is very difficult for your children. You finding a rehab, you finding a detox, is NOT helping him.
You didn't CAUSE this,
You can't CONTROL this, and
You can't CURE this.
It is all on him. Sounds to me like he has no 'desire' at all to leave his nice 'cushy' situation.
Therefore, over on Friends and Familys there is a lot of really really good ES&H on how to set boundaries (your boundaries) how to keep those boundaries and how to stick to the consequences.
As a 'double winner' (longtime recovery in both AA and AlAnon) I strongly urge you to get over the F&F of Alcoholics forum.
Love and hugs,
TruthJustice
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: The Boondocks
Posts: 112
To be fair to you Yesterday - I've not experienced what you are going through.
To be fair to him - I found myself getting very angry with you for being so heartless toward the man you vowed to honor "through sickness and in health." Then I realized I haven't experienced your side of the pain and have to give you the benefit of the doubt.
He is in the bowels of hell right now and believe it or not when he says he is going to quit - I believe he really means it. Unfortunately talk is cheap and he ends up "lying" to himself as well as you.
Most alcoholics don't like who they are and they like themselves even less by making poor decisions. I'm not saying you should enable him but a bit more compassion might be necessary.
If it weren't for my girlfriend's undying love and understanding - time and time and time again. I may have never had a reason to stop. Her loyalty to me was so inspiring to me that I wanted to quit.
"You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar."
I wish you and your hubby well.
To be fair to him - I found myself getting very angry with you for being so heartless toward the man you vowed to honor "through sickness and in health." Then I realized I haven't experienced your side of the pain and have to give you the benefit of the doubt.
He is in the bowels of hell right now and believe it or not when he says he is going to quit - I believe he really means it. Unfortunately talk is cheap and he ends up "lying" to himself as well as you.
Most alcoholics don't like who they are and they like themselves even less by making poor decisions. I'm not saying you should enable him but a bit more compassion might be necessary.
If it weren't for my girlfriend's undying love and understanding - time and time and time again. I may have never had a reason to stop. Her loyalty to me was so inspiring to me that I wanted to quit.
"You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar."
I wish you and your hubby well.
ever closer...
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 361
I'm not trying to bang the AA drum but I can't imagine in all of Cleveland Ohio there is not one person in Alanon who wouldn't watch your children for an hour. To me this sounds like a big excuse. When I got sober I told my husband if I spent half as much time on my recovery as I did hiding my drinking I would be successful!!!
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Originally Posted by Yesterdaysnumb
Should addicts/alcoholics and friends and family of addicts/alcoholics not communicate their sides to each other?
The support from fellow alcoholics is irreplaceable and invaluable as well - please don't get me wrong - but sometimes I need to read about how it affects spouses because, while I was drinking, I was trapped in a huge bubble of selfishness and I was 100% convinced that I was hurting no one but myself. I need to know what can happen, from a family perspective, if I pick back up again. I need to know things that spouses think and feel but never get to say to the alcoholic. I need to stay focused and grounded.
For what it's worth, I didn't take your post as "punishment". I took it as a very frank and honest opinion from someone who has been so badly hurt and betrayed that she just can't do it anymore. I never, ever want to be in your husband's shoes, and I never, ever want my husband to be in your shoes. Your post is a blessing to me.
I wish you and your husband well, individually OR together.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Originally Posted by tellus
This is just not true. Yes, alcoholism is now widely accepted as a disease. But the only way an alcoholic can get better is by himself. With support, yes, but we have to do the work. And I'm sorry, but presenting AA as the only solution is not only misleading, it's dangerous. AA is wonderful, but it is not the only solution. Her husband needs support, wherever he may find it.
Again, I feel this is a terribly irresponsible message to be sending. Yesterdaysnumb needs to take care of herself first and foremost. I don't know about you, but I deserved all the resentment and anger that was directed at me. To get better I needed support, but not enabling.
Again, I feel this is a terribly irresponsible message to be sending. Yesterdaysnumb needs to take care of herself first and foremost. I don't know about you, but I deserved all the resentment and anger that was directed at me. To get better I needed support, but not enabling.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Originally Posted by Yesterdaysnumb
Hahaha! I'll try that tomorrow!
He went to rehab. First of all they said
1. Cocaine, estacy, and wet does not have any withdrawl symptoms so he can't be admitted to rehab for that.
We said okay, that's fine what about his alcohol? They said
2. You have to be experiencing certain withdrawl symptoms in order to be admitted. When we went, he wasn't.
So we came back. They admitted him for 3 days. They only treated his withdrawl symptoms not his addiction. He got a beer the minute he left. It was a waste of 400 dollars.
He went to rehab. First of all they said
1. Cocaine, estacy, and wet does not have any withdrawl symptoms so he can't be admitted to rehab for that.
We said okay, that's fine what about his alcohol? They said
2. You have to be experiencing certain withdrawl symptoms in order to be admitted. When we went, he wasn't.
So we came back. They admitted him for 3 days. They only treated his withdrawl symptoms not his addiction. He got a beer the minute he left. It was a waste of 400 dollars.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Originally Posted by beingjenagain
I'm not trying to bang the AA drum but I can't imagine in all of Cleveland Ohio there is not one person in Alanon who wouldn't watch your children for an hour. To me this sounds like a big excuse. When I got sober I told my husband if I spent half as much time on my recovery as I did hiding my drinking I would be successful!!!
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
Hey, just caught up with this thread. Wanted to add a couple things, if that's ok.
First I wanted to really thank you for writing so honestly in this thread. All the things you said I could imagine my wife saying. I've been sober for nearly six years, one day at a time, but you've brought me back with a bang to what I was like. You've no idea how grateful I am today.
Second I only have one perspective on this which is a drunk's perspective. That means I'm really not well placed to give advice - nor am I well-placed to judge. Can I just say that I think that in my opinion some of the things that have been said to you in this thread have been a disgrace, and I'm really sorry that you would come and post here looking for some insight and would have to suffer that. And you have conducted yourself with real grace and dignity in response - far more than I would have done. So again - thank you for your example.
I wish there was something useful or meaningful that I could offer in terms of your situation. My experience was that my wife wanted me dead. Alcoholism and addiction are terrible, selfish states, and no addict or alkie can bear to hear how deeply and immovably selfish they are - and that includes those sometimes who have a few weeks or months sobriety under their belts. Yet we get better by first getting honest, coming to terms with what we have become and coming to terms with what we need to do to repair the damage. Until we're able to do that, I guess we're just lost causes. In which case the only advice I can offer is - seek out the company and the counsel of people, like Laurie, who have been where you have.
Many thanks again. I'll say a prayer - it's not much, but it's all I got. I hope you find the peace and contentment you and your family need.
Paul
First I wanted to really thank you for writing so honestly in this thread. All the things you said I could imagine my wife saying. I've been sober for nearly six years, one day at a time, but you've brought me back with a bang to what I was like. You've no idea how grateful I am today.
Second I only have one perspective on this which is a drunk's perspective. That means I'm really not well placed to give advice - nor am I well-placed to judge. Can I just say that I think that in my opinion some of the things that have been said to you in this thread have been a disgrace, and I'm really sorry that you would come and post here looking for some insight and would have to suffer that. And you have conducted yourself with real grace and dignity in response - far more than I would have done. So again - thank you for your example.
I wish there was something useful or meaningful that I could offer in terms of your situation. My experience was that my wife wanted me dead. Alcoholism and addiction are terrible, selfish states, and no addict or alkie can bear to hear how deeply and immovably selfish they are - and that includes those sometimes who have a few weeks or months sobriety under their belts. Yet we get better by first getting honest, coming to terms with what we have become and coming to terms with what we need to do to repair the damage. Until we're able to do that, I guess we're just lost causes. In which case the only advice I can offer is - seek out the company and the counsel of people, like Laurie, who have been where you have.
Many thanks again. I'll say a prayer - it's not much, but it's all I got. I hope you find the peace and contentment you and your family need.
Paul
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by VeritasAequitas
To be fair to you Yesterday - I've not experienced what you are going through.
To be fair to him - I found myself getting very angry with you for being so heartless toward the man you vowed to honor "through sickness and in health." Then I realized I haven't experienced your side of the pain and have to give you the benefit of the doubt.
He is in the bowels of hell right now and believe it or not when he says he is going to quit - I believe he really means it. Unfortunately talk is cheap and he ends up "lying" to himself as well as you.
Most alcoholics don't like who they are and they like themselves even less by making poor decisions. I'm not saying you should enable him but a bit more compassion might be necessary.
If it weren't for my girlfriend's undying love and understanding - time and time and time again. I may have never had a reason to stop. Her loyalty to me was so inspiring to me that I wanted to quit.
"You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar."
I wish you and your hubby well.
To be fair to him - I found myself getting very angry with you for being so heartless toward the man you vowed to honor "through sickness and in health." Then I realized I haven't experienced your side of the pain and have to give you the benefit of the doubt.
He is in the bowels of hell right now and believe it or not when he says he is going to quit - I believe he really means it. Unfortunately talk is cheap and he ends up "lying" to himself as well as you.
Most alcoholics don't like who they are and they like themselves even less by making poor decisions. I'm not saying you should enable him but a bit more compassion might be necessary.
If it weren't for my girlfriend's undying love and understanding - time and time and time again. I may have never had a reason to stop. Her loyalty to me was so inspiring to me that I wanted to quit.
"You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar."
I wish you and your hubby well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by TryingSoHard
Forgive me for butting in here - I haven't read any of the responses after this yet - but I just wanted to say that I personally ABSOLUTELY think we should cross-communicate. The opinions of the F&F members are completely invaluable to me. I lurk in F&F on a regular basis (and post every once in a great while) because it gives me a perspective I can not get any place else.
The support from fellow alcoholics is irreplaceable and invaluable as well - please don't get me wrong - but sometimes I need to read about how it affects spouses because, while I was drinking, I was trapped in a huge bubble of selfishness and I was 100% convinced that I was hurting no one but myself. I need to know what can happen, from a family perspective, if I pick back up again. I need to know things that spouses think and feel but never get to say to the alcoholic. I need to stay focused and grounded.
For what it's worth, I didn't take your post as "punishment". I took it as a very frank and honest opinion from someone who has been so badly hurt and betrayed that she just can't do it anymore. I never, ever want to be in your husband's shoes, and I never, ever want my husband to be in your shoes. Your post is a blessing to me.
I wish you and your husband well, individually OR together.
The support from fellow alcoholics is irreplaceable and invaluable as well - please don't get me wrong - but sometimes I need to read about how it affects spouses because, while I was drinking, I was trapped in a huge bubble of selfishness and I was 100% convinced that I was hurting no one but myself. I need to know what can happen, from a family perspective, if I pick back up again. I need to know things that spouses think and feel but never get to say to the alcoholic. I need to stay focused and grounded.
For what it's worth, I didn't take your post as "punishment". I took it as a very frank and honest opinion from someone who has been so badly hurt and betrayed that she just can't do it anymore. I never, ever want to be in your husband's shoes, and I never, ever want my husband to be in your shoes. Your post is a blessing to me.
I wish you and your husband well, individually OR together.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by TryingSoHard
Ok, call me devil's advocate if you want, but if I was her I wouldn't want to be leaving my INFANT CHILDREN with a total stranger. Now, if she could get to a few meetings and manage to meet some people FIRST and at least get to a certain comfort level with one of them, that would be different. But as a mom, I can't imagine myself leaving my 3 kids with a total stranger so I could go to a meeting. Not an excuse - maternal instinct and wanting to protect my kids.
Just my two cents.
Just my two cents.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by paulmh
Hey, just caught up with this thread. Wanted to add a couple things, if that's ok.
First I wanted to really thank you for writing so honestly in this thread. All the things you said I could imagine my wife saying. I've been sober for nearly six years, one day at a time, but you've brought me back with a bang to what I was like. You've no idea how grateful I am today.
Second I only have one perspective on this which is a drunk's perspective. That means I'm really not well placed to give advice - nor am I well-placed to judge. Can I just say that I think that in my opinion some of the things that have been said to you in this thread have been a disgrace, and I'm really sorry that you would come and post here looking for some insight and would have to suffer that. And you have conducted yourself with real grace and dignity in response - far more than I would have done. So again - thank you for your example.
I wish there was something useful or meaningful that I could offer in terms of your situation. My experience was that my wife wanted me dead. Alcoholism and addiction are terrible, selfish states, and no addict or alkie can bear to hear how deeply and immovably selfish they are - and that includes those sometimes who have a few weeks or months sobriety under their belts. Yet we get better by first getting honest, coming to terms with what we have become and coming to terms with what we need to do to repair the damage. Until we're able to do that, I guess we're just lost causes. In which case the only advice I can offer is - seek out the company and the counsel of people, like Laurie, who have been where you have.
Many thanks again. I'll say a prayer - it's not much, but it's all I got. I hope you find the peace and contentment you and your family need.
Paul
First I wanted to really thank you for writing so honestly in this thread. All the things you said I could imagine my wife saying. I've been sober for nearly six years, one day at a time, but you've brought me back with a bang to what I was like. You've no idea how grateful I am today.
Second I only have one perspective on this which is a drunk's perspective. That means I'm really not well placed to give advice - nor am I well-placed to judge. Can I just say that I think that in my opinion some of the things that have been said to you in this thread have been a disgrace, and I'm really sorry that you would come and post here looking for some insight and would have to suffer that. And you have conducted yourself with real grace and dignity in response - far more than I would have done. So again - thank you for your example.
I wish there was something useful or meaningful that I could offer in terms of your situation. My experience was that my wife wanted me dead. Alcoholism and addiction are terrible, selfish states, and no addict or alkie can bear to hear how deeply and immovably selfish they are - and that includes those sometimes who have a few weeks or months sobriety under their belts. Yet we get better by first getting honest, coming to terms with what we have become and coming to terms with what we need to do to repair the damage. Until we're able to do that, I guess we're just lost causes. In which case the only advice I can offer is - seek out the company and the counsel of people, like Laurie, who have been where you have.
Many thanks again. I'll say a prayer - it's not much, but it's all I got. I hope you find the peace and contentment you and your family need.
Paul
Thanks so much, especially for the prayers! I hope you really did pray because I could use as many prayers as I can get.
As far as the comments that were made, I understand that sometimes people aren't as far in their recovery as others and haven't truly forgiven themselves for the hurt they've caused against others. That being said, any reminder of that hurt is like pouring salt on an open wound. They are reminded of they're past actions when they've hurt others and it brings back sore memories. I'm glad that you have proven that a memory of a past mistake can be counted as joy that you are no longer there! You should be proud that you can think of your past and not feel bad, but you can feel happiness and gratefulness because you know that your loved ones don't have to go through this anymore.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: venice,fl
Posts: 35
I have a question maybe someone can help me with. I quit drinking, today is my 11th day. I have been feeling very good, the first few days I needed a small dose of xanax just to keep me from exploding. So now I figure I'm all detoxed but I have lower back pain and the top of my head hurts. I won't start drinking again, just wondering if my body is rejecting herb teas because it is so used to beer, even after 11 days. Any input would be helpful. Thanks.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
kduker -- I would suggest you go see your doctor. It sounds like you need medical advice and we just can't give that here. Congrats on your 11 days! That's awesome. You might also post a new thread of your own, you would probably get more responses.
Yesterdaysnumb -- Thanks for this thread. It's been very powerful and everyone is being wonderfully open and honest. I'm so sorry you and your family is going through all this pain. I too think it's imperative that we share our stories "across the lines" sort of speak. I think it helps all of us ...... it sure helps me anyway.
Someone else suggested it and I want to also. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
I loved your poem! It is sort of a definition of codependency. Very powerful.
Also, I've lots more "bad" therapists than "good". Look for another. It might take some time but you'll find the right person for you. Someone you click with. May be someone who has experience with addiction and recovery ....
Love and Hugs out to you, your children, and your husband.
Yesterdaysnumb -- Thanks for this thread. It's been very powerful and everyone is being wonderfully open and honest. I'm so sorry you and your family is going through all this pain. I too think it's imperative that we share our stories "across the lines" sort of speak. I think it helps all of us ...... it sure helps me anyway.
Someone else suggested it and I want to also. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
I loved your poem! It is sort of a definition of codependency. Very powerful.
Also, I've lots more "bad" therapists than "good". Look for another. It might take some time but you'll find the right person for you. Someone you click with. May be someone who has experience with addiction and recovery ....
Love and Hugs out to you, your children, and your husband.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
kduker....
Sorry you are unwell...
Yes...checking with your doctor would be the best idea.
It's always good to know what is going on
Hope you feel better soonest.
Well done on your sober time...
Sorry you are unwell...
Yes...checking with your doctor would be the best idea.
It's always good to know what is going on
Hope you feel better soonest.
Well done on your sober time...
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 4
I can understand exactly how you feel Yesterdaysnumb. About a year and a half ago, I left the home my husband and I shared. We were going through bankrupty, about to lose our home, and recently had a new baby. He had been drinking again, and at that point I just had enough. If you continue to stay with him, he will probably never seek the help he needs. As my counselor told me....they need to see their own s**t. If you have any chance of helping your husband you will pack up you and your babies and go, or put him out. This does not mean you can not be there for him, but you have got to start to take care of yourself and your children. Right now, he is only worried about himself. I moved out of state hoping my husband would follow, and get his act together, but he did not. So we came back home and now I am living with relatives with our two small children. But I am about to move out on my own, and I am starting to put the pieces back together again. The best part is, my husband got help and has now been sober for a few months now. Are we back together....no, but at least there might be a chance for us. More importantly he can be a father to our children and be the man he was meant to be. It is going to be hard. There are going to be days where you feel like you can't make it, but you can. Your family is not going to understand all the decisions you make, but right now it is not about anybody but you and those babies. If he is doing drugs and drinking you are already raising the kids by yourself, having him there is just an illusion. I love my husband, but I love me and my children more. If you both fail as parents, your children will fail and you can not let that happen!! At the end of the day, I know I did all I could for my husband, but you can not love someone who hates himself. Allow him to find himself, and clean up his own mess. In my heart of hearts I know the day my husband dared to say to me, that he was done with me was the beginning of me saving his life and mine. At that point I was done being his emotional door mat....I was the one who was really done, not him. He thought I would continue to enable him, but I did not. Even today, he calls, texts or emails and I respond. But no more do I email, or call. I am going to let him do the work and he will do it if he wants his family back. I believe your husband can do the same if you let him go, and focus on YOU! Good Luck!:praying
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
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Can i ask questions without it being considered offensive, so can we agree that i am asking this honestly and wanting to know please?
I want to know how it is possible to have had a child in the last 2/3 years of a relationship with an alcoholic/addict and not know they were one? TryingsoHard referred to maternal instinct, doesn't this come into play before having the baby in so much that you would want a decent father figure for the baby and someone who will act and be responsible for the child? I wouldn't go into F&F and ask this but i have wondered for months about this?
I want to know how it is possible to have had a child in the last 2/3 years of a relationship with an alcoholic/addict and not know they were one? TryingsoHard referred to maternal instinct, doesn't this come into play before having the baby in so much that you would want a decent father figure for the baby and someone who will act and be responsible for the child? I wouldn't go into F&F and ask this but i have wondered for months about this?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 4
The answer is simple. You are in denial. Speaking for myself I grew up with an alcoholic father and a majority of my family on both sides are alcoholics. To me my husbands behavior was normal, if not better. He did not stay gone for days at a time like my father did. Nor did he abuse me like my grandfather did to his wives. We had only planned to have our oldest, my children are almost seven years apart. So the baby was the % of the pill that is not effective, when you miss a dose. But I could not even see life without him now. At the end of the day you live and learn. Thank God I did, I stopped the madness and seeked help.
I do not drink. So I pray that part of my life will not be passed on to my children.
I do not drink. So I pray that part of my life will not be passed on to my children.
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