So my husband is at home right now
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to SR!
Have you read Melody Beatties books: Co dependant No More and Beyond Codependancy? Excellent place to start.
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I'm married to an active alcoholic. We are currently separated. There are other alcoholics posting under F&F who will share their experience with you as well as offer support for living with an active alcoholic.
F&F is also active with members that are in recovery from Codependancy. You are welcome to post all over these boards! However, our alcoholic peers use this area to focus on their needs. Our codependant peers use F&F to focus on their personal needs.
SR is a wonderful place for support and information for everyone. Please read some of the stickies at the top of F&F from people who have gone through what you are experiencing.
For me, this link was an eye-opener, as an alcoholic, to understand how my mind, body and soul were addicted to alcohol:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Have you read Melody Beatties books: Co dependant No More and Beyond Codependancy? Excellent place to start.
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I'm married to an active alcoholic. We are currently separated. There are other alcoholics posting under F&F who will share their experience with you as well as offer support for living with an active alcoholic.
F&F is also active with members that are in recovery from Codependancy. You are welcome to post all over these boards! However, our alcoholic peers use this area to focus on their needs. Our codependant peers use F&F to focus on their personal needs.
SR is a wonderful place for support and information for everyone. Please read some of the stickies at the top of F&F from people who have gone through what you are experiencing.
For me, this link was an eye-opener, as an alcoholic, to understand how my mind, body and soul were addicted to alcohol:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
ever closer...
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 361
His rock bottom may just be you cutting him out completly. Watch a few Interventions on A&E and then ask yourself what you are willing to do or willing to put up with. You need to take a good hard look at yourself and not worry how it will effect him. He will either get it or he'll die. Hate to be harsh but it is what it is and you are only fostering the problem. Run quick to an Alanon meeting and talk to some folfs face 2 face.
Next stop: real life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 990
Originally Posted by verity29 
Your husband is in the grip of a disease called alcoholism. He is sick and cannot get better by himself. If your husband were a diabetic or had cancer he would not improve without medication. The only effective "medication" now for your husband is AA. But he must come to this conclusion himself.
Do what you must to help your husband through this particularly nasty spell. After all he is a human being and no one deserves to be left to die like that. When it is over you must make a decision about your own life. It seems that you have reached a point of such resentment and anger that it cannot benefit either you or your husband to carry on like this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by beingjenagain
His rock bottom may just be you cutting him out completly. Watch a few Interventions on A&E and then ask yourself what you are willing to do or willing to put up with. You need to take a good hard look at yourself and not worry how it will effect him. He will either get it or he'll die. Hate to be harsh but it is what it is and you are only fostering the problem. Run quick to an Alanon meeting and talk to some folfs face 2 face.
Is there anyway of me recovering other than Alanon? It doesn't seem that way....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I am glad you posted here. I don't go to family and friends section as i would not have anything productive to say. I am best friends with my exgf in sobriety and i cannot understand why she hung around for so long. I have little sympathy but do have empathy for your situation, to me this is just the same as if he was beating you everyday and i would still ask why youb were with him and im sure the answer would be the same. If he was beating you there are womens shelters akll over the country, yeah its not a 4 star hotel and it isn't your home but at least you get away from it. Is there nothing you can do to get away or get him away into a long term rehab?
My family letting me always come back with 0 cash and drinking more than ever didn't help me to get better it just helped to stretch out the time it took for me to actually get to a point where it was do or die. Whilst drinking i could not be more grateful to everone who helped me, but now sober i just don't want to know. It sounds like you might have a plan, and if there are kids involved then i guess that might make it harder but you need to stop being a part of this.
I've got the best enabler story ever, my grandmother the crazy old witch 'nursed' her mother for 18 years of her mother's life (the end of it). Apparently my great grand mother was a drunk and decided to put herself to bed 18 years before she died, there was nothing physically wrong with her at the time all mental problems. My grandmother told me stroies before she died of how she would look after her mother by bringing her scotch, a certain measure so many times a day. Of course my great grandmothers physical state got worse as anyones would being bed ridden and she got the physical problems she wanted and died a slow death in the end still being tea spooned whisky. How ****** up is that, its like that film misery but worse.
maybe put him to bed??!!
Please don't get upset with anything i have said, im just posting my experiences and opinions that's all. I hope it gets better for you!
My family letting me always come back with 0 cash and drinking more than ever didn't help me to get better it just helped to stretch out the time it took for me to actually get to a point where it was do or die. Whilst drinking i could not be more grateful to everone who helped me, but now sober i just don't want to know. It sounds like you might have a plan, and if there are kids involved then i guess that might make it harder but you need to stop being a part of this.
I've got the best enabler story ever, my grandmother the crazy old witch 'nursed' her mother for 18 years of her mother's life (the end of it). Apparently my great grand mother was a drunk and decided to put herself to bed 18 years before she died, there was nothing physically wrong with her at the time all mental problems. My grandmother told me stroies before she died of how she would look after her mother by bringing her scotch, a certain measure so many times a day. Of course my great grandmothers physical state got worse as anyones would being bed ridden and she got the physical problems she wanted and died a slow death in the end still being tea spooned whisky. How ****** up is that, its like that film misery but worse.
maybe put him to bed??!!
Please don't get upset with anything i have said, im just posting my experiences and opinions that's all. I hope it gets better for you!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Yesterdaysnumb
Is there anyway of me recovering other than Alanon? It doesn't seem that way....
Sure there is! Individual counseling or therapy. I see by your signature you have chosen scripture from the bible. If you are religious, seek counseling through your local church. Also, you may be able to arrange a babysitter through church so that you can attend alanon.
I found your cities website for alanon meetings. Wow! You have a lot of choices!
Cleveland, Ohio Area Al-Anon
There are contact numbers for the meetings. You might try calling some of the closest meetings and ask if your children would be able to sit in a nearby room and color or can they sit in the room with you during the meeting. The meetings last an hour.
Taking care of you is a journey that begins with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by yeahgr8
I am glad you posted here. I don't go to family and friends section as i would not have anything productive to say. I am best friends with my exgf in sobriety and i cannot understand why she hung around for so long. I have little sympathy but do have empathy for your situation, to me this is just the same as if he was beating you everyday and i would still ask why youb were with him and im sure the answer would be the same. If he was beating you there are womens shelters akll over the country, yeah its not a 4 star hotel and it isn't your home but at least you get away from it. Is there nothing you can do to get away or get him away into a long term rehab?
My family letting me always come back with 0 cash and drinking more than ever didn't help me to get better it just helped to stretch out the time it took for me to actually get to a point where it was do or die. Whilst drinking i could not be more grateful to everone who helped me, but now sober i just don't want to know. It sounds like you might have a plan, and if there are kids involved then i guess that might make it harder but you need to stop being a part of this.
I've got the best enabler story ever, my grandmother the crazy old witch 'nursed' her mother for 18 years of her mother's life (the end of it). Apparently my great grand mother was a drunk and decided to put herself to bed 18 years before she died, there was nothing physically wrong with her at the time all mental problems. My grandmother told me stroies before she died of how she would look after her mother by bringing her scotch, a certain measure so many times a day. Of course my great grandmothers physical state got worse as anyones would being bed ridden and she got the physical problems she wanted and died a slow death in the end still being tea spooned whisky. How ****** up is that, its like that film misery but worse.
maybe put him to bed??!!
Please don't get upset with anything i have said, im just posting my experiences and opinions that's all. I hope it gets better for you!
My family letting me always come back with 0 cash and drinking more than ever didn't help me to get better it just helped to stretch out the time it took for me to actually get to a point where it was do or die. Whilst drinking i could not be more grateful to everone who helped me, but now sober i just don't want to know. It sounds like you might have a plan, and if there are kids involved then i guess that might make it harder but you need to stop being a part of this.
I've got the best enabler story ever, my grandmother the crazy old witch 'nursed' her mother for 18 years of her mother's life (the end of it). Apparently my great grand mother was a drunk and decided to put herself to bed 18 years before she died, there was nothing physically wrong with her at the time all mental problems. My grandmother told me stroies before she died of how she would look after her mother by bringing her scotch, a certain measure so many times a day. Of course my great grandmothers physical state got worse as anyones would being bed ridden and she got the physical problems she wanted and died a slow death in the end still being tea spooned whisky. How ****** up is that, its like that film misery but worse.
maybe put him to bed??!!
Please don't get upset with anything i have said, im just posting my experiences and opinions that's all. I hope it gets better for you!
"Straining to see the light at the end of this tunnel
Realizing it's within your reach, my pride won't let you reach out and touch rock bottom
My legs buckle from carrying your misery on my shoulders
My hands are stained from days of wiping your tears
My fingers are worn from nights of rewriting your story
Praying my revisions will make tomorrow reach unmarred destinations"
I need to leave, but right now I'm just trying to detach from him. We have three children 5, 1, and 4 months. It's hard with the kids you know...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by Pelican
Sure there is! Individual counseling or therapy. I see by your signature you have chosen scripture from the bible. If you are religious, seek counseling through your local church. Also, you may be able to arrange a babysitter through church so that you can attend alanon.
I found your cities website for alanon meetings. Wow! You have a lot of choices!
Cleveland, Ohio Area Al-Anon
There are contact numbers for the meetings. You might try calling some of the closest meetings and ask if your children would be able to sit in a nearby room and color or can they sit in the room with you during the meeting. The meetings last an hour.
Taking care of you is a journey that begins with you.
I found your cities website for alanon meetings. Wow! You have a lot of choices!
Cleveland, Ohio Area Al-Anon
There are contact numbers for the meetings. You might try calling some of the closest meetings and ask if your children would be able to sit in a nearby room and color or can they sit in the room with you during the meeting. The meetings last an hour.
Taking care of you is a journey that begins with you.
But I'm sick of acting like a victim. I'm tired of it.
Also, I've called the Alanon meetings that were close to me and the ones that don't have BS (babysitting) listed don't allow children. And I have small children so they can't be left alone and they'd probably be disturbing to others if I let them sit in.
I don't mean to make excuses. I am truly trying but it's hard. Everyone in my church family is supportive of me and tells me to leave... but no one's there to help me when he's gone. My parents tell me "I told you so" and "Why did you put yourself in this position in the first place". Although he's a complete ******* when he's using, he's truly helpful when sober. But I can't live off the hope that it'll stay that way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: here
Posts: 65
Hi tellus. Only my opinion, we all have them or should be able to have them. I certainly do not inend to "endanger" anyone.
I think i did say that only Yestedaysnumb husband must come to his own realisation himself about his problem and that she must do what is best for herself in the end.
However i do not think that leaving someone who is so ill and may be in danger of dying without help would be the right thing to do. I would not like to have that on my conscience.
Yes of course the lady has every right to be angry but as an alcoholic i do feel for her husband too. I grew up in an alcoholic home also and felt i hated my father at times but now he is ill from his alcoholism. While i will not enable his drinking i would not turn my back if he needed that sort of help.
Maybe i was strong on the AA thing. Sorry of course there is other means of help. If this ladys husband wants to try those the very best of luck. I just know it works for me and countless others.
I think i did say that only Yestedaysnumb husband must come to his own realisation himself about his problem and that she must do what is best for herself in the end.
However i do not think that leaving someone who is so ill and may be in danger of dying without help would be the right thing to do. I would not like to have that on my conscience.
Yes of course the lady has every right to be angry but as an alcoholic i do feel for her husband too. I grew up in an alcoholic home also and felt i hated my father at times but now he is ill from his alcoholism. While i will not enable his drinking i would not turn my back if he needed that sort of help.
Maybe i was strong on the AA thing. Sorry of course there is other means of help. If this ladys husband wants to try those the very best of luck. I just know it works for me and countless others.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: here
Posts: 65
Hi tellus. Only my opinion, we all have them or should be able to have them. I certainly do not inend to "endanger" anyone.
I think i did say that only Yestedaysnumb husband must come to his own realisation himself about his problem and that she must do what is best for herself in the end.
However i do not think that leaving someone who is so ill and may be in danger of dying without help would be the right thing to do. I would not like to have that on my conscience.
Yes of course the lady has every right to be angry but as an alcoholic i do feel for her husband too. I grew up in an alcoholic home also and felt i hated my father at times but now he is ill from his alcoholism. While i will not enable his drinking i would not turn my back if he needed medical help.
Again i would like to emphasise this is only my opinion having been on both sides of the affliction. No offence meant.
I was strong on the AA thing. Sorry of course there is other means of help. If this ladys husband wants to try those the very best of luck. I just know it works for me and countless others.
I think i did say that only Yestedaysnumb husband must come to his own realisation himself about his problem and that she must do what is best for herself in the end.
However i do not think that leaving someone who is so ill and may be in danger of dying without help would be the right thing to do. I would not like to have that on my conscience.
Yes of course the lady has every right to be angry but as an alcoholic i do feel for her husband too. I grew up in an alcoholic home also and felt i hated my father at times but now he is ill from his alcoholism. While i will not enable his drinking i would not turn my back if he needed medical help.
Again i would like to emphasise this is only my opinion having been on both sides of the affliction. No offence meant.
I was strong on the AA thing. Sorry of course there is other means of help. If this ladys husband wants to try those the very best of luck. I just know it works for me and countless others.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Send him to resonance treatment, i did that, it is where they get you to hold 2 magnetized rods for about 4 hours each day for 2 days. Then they give you a magnetized piece of metal and pills to take every day. It costs about $2000. Or alternatively get him to hold 2 dishwashing brushes for 4 hours a day, give him a small one to carry around with some small vitamin c tablets to take daily. This saves the $2000 and is just as effective.
Seriously though hes got to go to rehab of some sort hasn't he? If he isn't willing to help himself and go to AA sign him over to somewhere he will thank you when he's sober or leave you, win win!
Seriously though hes got to go to rehab of some sort hasn't he? If he isn't willing to help himself and go to AA sign him over to somewhere he will thank you when he's sober or leave you, win win!
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
What about the kids? That seems like a no-brainer, but while you're stuck in excuses and enabling, they're suffering. Sorry..that's blunt, but they are the only ones not able to make any choices here, THEY are the victims, why let that happen to your children??. Makes me very sad for them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by yeahgr8
Send him to resonance treatment, i did that, it is where they get you to hold 2 magnetized rods for about 4 hours each day for 2 days. Then they give you a magnetized piece of metal and pills to take every day. It costs about $2000. Or alternatively get him to hold 2 dishwashing brushes for 4 hours a day, give him a small one to carry around with some small vitamin c tablets to take daily. This saves the $2000 and is just as effective.
Seriously though hes got to go to rehab of some sort hasn't he? If he isn't willing to help himself and go to AA sign him over to somewhere he will thank you when he's sober or leave you, win win!
Seriously though hes got to go to rehab of some sort hasn't he? If he isn't willing to help himself and go to AA sign him over to somewhere he will thank you when he's sober or leave you, win win!
Hahaha! I'll try that tomorrow!
He went to rehab. First of all they said
1. Cocaine, estacy, and wet does not have any withdrawl symptoms so he can't be admitted to rehab for that.
We said okay, that's fine what about his alcohol? They said
2. You have to be experiencing certain withdrawl symptoms in order to be admitted. When we went, he wasn't.
So we came back. They admitted him for 3 days. They only treated his withdrawl symptoms not his addiction. He got a beer the minute he left. It was a waste of 400 dollars.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by flutter
What about the kids? That seems like a no-brainer, but while you're stuck in excuses and enabling, they're suffering. Sorry..that's blunt, but they are the only ones not able to make any choices here, THEY are the victims, why let that happen to your children??. Makes me very sad for them.
Last summer, I did leave him. I was 8 months pregnant. It was the most difficult time of my life. My oldest son cried for his dad daily. He hated me for making his dad leave. I explained to him that his daddy had to leave because he drank too much and he couldn't take care of us anymore. He (of course) didn't understand. I lost my home in foreclosure that month. I had my baby that month (all alone, no family, c-section). And my son started kindergarten and I almost lost my job because I didn't have anyone to care for my children while I worked. I tried to go to jobs and familiy services to get some kind of assistance, but I couldn't prove that we were seperated so they sent me away. It's hard to make a decision to do it all by yourself and give up hope when you intended to love someone for life and for your marriage to work.
Just like an addict makes the wrong decision for the benefit of themselves, enablers make wrong decisions too. In a lot of instances it directly and negatively effects our children.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I would like to suggest you come on over to our Friends and Familys of Alcoholics Forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are lots of GREAT folks there, that have been where you are now. Using various methods (AA, counseling, therapy, reading, etc)they have or are getting through these hard times with their A.
As has been said, this is very difficult for your children. You finding a rehab, you finding a detox, is NOT helping him.
You didn't CAUSE this,
You can't CONTROL this, and
You can't CURE this.
It is all on him. Sounds to me like he has no 'desire' at all to leave his nice 'cushy' situation.
Therefore, over on Friends and Familys there is a lot of really really good ES&H on how to set boundaries (your boundaries) how to keep those boundaries and how to stick to the consequences.
As a 'double winner' (longtime recovery in both AA and AlAnon) I strongly urge you to get over the F&F of Alcoholics forum.
Love and hugs,
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are lots of GREAT folks there, that have been where you are now. Using various methods (AA, counseling, therapy, reading, etc)they have or are getting through these hard times with their A.
As has been said, this is very difficult for your children. You finding a rehab, you finding a detox, is NOT helping him.
You didn't CAUSE this,
You can't CONTROL this, and
You can't CURE this.
It is all on him. Sounds to me like he has no 'desire' at all to leave his nice 'cushy' situation.
Therefore, over on Friends and Familys there is a lot of really really good ES&H on how to set boundaries (your boundaries) how to keep those boundaries and how to stick to the consequences.
As a 'double winner' (longtime recovery in both AA and AlAnon) I strongly urge you to get over the F&F of Alcoholics forum.
Love and hugs,
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
You're absolutely right, and I'm not in your shoes. I grew up in an alcoholic home.. sometimes I get defensive when it comes to kiddos. I hope you find the help you need, and I hope he does too so that he will possibly survive to be a father longer.
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