Need some help here....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 2
Need some help here....
Not had a drink in about two weeks and feel much better. Physically, my body no longer aches and while never overweight, it looks like the extra 10 lbs I have been carrying around is slowly coming off naturally (no more beer calories).
I have a date I set up before I started stopped drinking. We met once and had set up a date last week, but I had to cancel, so we are meeting Thursday night.
We are meeting at a popular bar, that I had frequented quite a bit in my party days. I do not want to change venues since she wants to go there and listen to this local band, which I respect.
Ok, when she walks in, I will be drinking an ice tea. When my other friends walk in, I will be drinking an ice tea. Obviously this will get some looks and some good natured razzing. I'd rather not annouce, "Gee, I determined I have a serioius problem with booze, so rather than drink myself into a coma, I decided to quit. Everyone have a good time now".
Any suggestions on how to handle this? I kinda like this woman, but would rather not discuss the problem this early in the dating process....and I certainly don't want to discuss this at a club.
Any "pat" answers
Edit: Great, right after I posted this I just picked up an email from her saying dinner beforehand was on her, and there is a great restuarant where we can split a bottle of this great red wine. Ugh, I'd rather not make any dramatic confessions right now....but how can I duck out of this wine deal with insulting her?
I have a date I set up before I started stopped drinking. We met once and had set up a date last week, but I had to cancel, so we are meeting Thursday night.
We are meeting at a popular bar, that I had frequented quite a bit in my party days. I do not want to change venues since she wants to go there and listen to this local band, which I respect.
Ok, when she walks in, I will be drinking an ice tea. When my other friends walk in, I will be drinking an ice tea. Obviously this will get some looks and some good natured razzing. I'd rather not annouce, "Gee, I determined I have a serioius problem with booze, so rather than drink myself into a coma, I decided to quit. Everyone have a good time now".
Any suggestions on how to handle this? I kinda like this woman, but would rather not discuss the problem this early in the dating process....and I certainly don't want to discuss this at a club.
Any "pat" answers
Edit: Great, right after I posted this I just picked up an email from her saying dinner beforehand was on her, and there is a great restuarant where we can split a bottle of this great red wine. Ugh, I'd rather not make any dramatic confessions right now....but how can I duck out of this wine deal with insulting her?
Last edited by Bowden; 08-05-2003 at 12:28 PM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
I really know how that feels! I am newly sober, 66 days, and have had to go through the whole why aren't you drinking process. It is a little uncomfortable in that people do not want to leave it alone even when given an explanation so I would be prepared for that at the very least. Rather than announce I had seen the light (while passed out at the bar on with my head on my steering wheel and keys in the ignition) and was a full blown member of Alchoholic's Anonymous, I just told people that the party was over for me. I would just rather not drink. If they continued on I would lightly turn it around and ask why my not drinking made a difference to them one way or another. This usually stopped the 20 questions until they got really drunk and couldn't help themselves from asking again. I basically just summed it up and said, " Im over it. I just dont want to drink anymore. It doesn't work out for me." I dont get people asking me as much anymore. It can be done although it is not painless. Just another part of our growth!
LG
LG
JUST FOR TODAY
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 104
Bowden, do you want the truth or would you rather for some of us to fluff up the pillow for you and validate what kind of jeopardy you are willing to put yourself in.
I am an alcoholic. So I can only speak for myself. If I was early in sobriety as you are, (knowing that I am an alcoholic), I would go to a meeting, and ask some other alcoholics for help. And seeing that I have a sponsor, he is the first one I would ask for help. And then I wouldn't have to ask anybody else for help.
I would not put myself in that kind of a predicament. I would tell the lady the truth now. For if I didn't (knowing me) I would eventually probably pick up another drink, then another, then another, etc. And then I wouldn't have to worry about seeing that lady again.
Out of respect for the lady and my own respect, I would tell this lady what my situation is, and make a date to go somewhere else where alcohol isn't being served and have a good time.
For me, one lie leads to another and etc.
I can only say what I would do for myself. I have already experienced such a thing and choose not to go down that road again.
Harry
I am an alcoholic. So I can only speak for myself. If I was early in sobriety as you are, (knowing that I am an alcoholic), I would go to a meeting, and ask some other alcoholics for help. And seeing that I have a sponsor, he is the first one I would ask for help. And then I wouldn't have to ask anybody else for help.
I would not put myself in that kind of a predicament. I would tell the lady the truth now. For if I didn't (knowing me) I would eventually probably pick up another drink, then another, then another, etc. And then I wouldn't have to worry about seeing that lady again.
Out of respect for the lady and my own respect, I would tell this lady what my situation is, and make a date to go somewhere else where alcohol isn't being served and have a good time.
For me, one lie leads to another and etc.
I can only say what I would do for myself. I have already experienced such a thing and choose not to go down that road again.
Harry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 2
I hear you Harry, but since I have no time to get to a meeting before the date tomorrow, I asked on here.
For me, I don't feel comfortable changing venues. I need to be strong enough to resist without having to get everyone I know to accomodate me.
I am not slamming your advice. But any resturant worth a grain of salt serves liquor and I need to learn how to say no regardless of the circumstances, as difficult as that may be....
For me, I don't feel comfortable changing venues. I need to be strong enough to resist without having to get everyone I know to accomodate me.
I am not slamming your advice. But any resturant worth a grain of salt serves liquor and I need to learn how to say no regardless of the circumstances, as difficult as that may be....
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Just like Harry I can only tell you what was told to me when I asked a similar question.
Avoid people, places and things associated with drinking,at least for the first ninety days of sobriety,
The dangers to somebody early in sobriety are very real.
You don't have to worry about anyone "accomodating" you.If your date really likes you then it wont make any difference to her that you don't want to drink or that you would rather meet someplace else.
Recovery is our own responsibility and if we dont start taking it then nobody else will.
Avoid people, places and things associated with drinking,at least for the first ninety days of sobriety,
The dangers to somebody early in sobriety are very real.
You don't have to worry about anyone "accomodating" you.If your date really likes you then it wont make any difference to her that you don't want to drink or that you would rather meet someplace else.
Recovery is our own responsibility and if we dont start taking it then nobody else will.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Bowden...You want to run a marathon after deciding to take up jogging. Stay away from all places that have booze for the time being. And go ahead and tell this girl that you're not drinking tonight. In fact, since this is a new start, you might as well tell her the truth. She may surprise you with a receptive attitude toward your decision and you may have a good time. If you get shot down because she wants a drinker, then the sooner you find that out the better.
Good Luck and don't drink no matter what you decide.
Good Luck and don't drink no matter what you decide.
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: A van...down by the river!
Posts: 108
Bowden,
As a girl, I can say that any woman that has respect for your feelings is not going to be offended if you don't want to drink or if you don't want to go to a bar. I know what you're saying about the possibility of being around alcohol and having to learn to say no. But I wouldn't try that tactic quite so early in your sobriety. It's like waving a mouse in front of a hungry cat! What are the odds he won't try to eat it? Pretty slim...
You know, it would impress me if a guy I was going out with told me upfront and was honest about not wanting to drink. I would respect him for that, rather then finding out later on that he was afraid to tell me. Any caring human being wouldn't want to make you attend a bar setting if they know that you are trying to stop drinking, ya know? Just be honest and calmly tell her that you have made an effort to stop drinking (for your health), and that you would love to join her for dinner WITHOUT the wine, and have some nice conversation (or something like that). You don't have to spill your guts or anything on the first date. Just be simple and forthcoming. Girls love that...
Just something to let her know where you stand on the drinking, and all the while letting her know how much you enjoy her company. If it's a problem for HER ( you not drinking), and you are trying to STOP drinking, then there really couldn't be any possibility of any long term compatability, right? Just be honest with her. If she's the type of girl you need by your side right now, she'll respect you for your decision to stay away from alcohol and will support you in it. If she doesn't, then realize that the right person will. That's just my 2 cents as a girl!
Take care. Let us know how things turn out. Stay strong!!!
PG
:band
As a girl, I can say that any woman that has respect for your feelings is not going to be offended if you don't want to drink or if you don't want to go to a bar. I know what you're saying about the possibility of being around alcohol and having to learn to say no. But I wouldn't try that tactic quite so early in your sobriety. It's like waving a mouse in front of a hungry cat! What are the odds he won't try to eat it? Pretty slim...
You know, it would impress me if a guy I was going out with told me upfront and was honest about not wanting to drink. I would respect him for that, rather then finding out later on that he was afraid to tell me. Any caring human being wouldn't want to make you attend a bar setting if they know that you are trying to stop drinking, ya know? Just be honest and calmly tell her that you have made an effort to stop drinking (for your health), and that you would love to join her for dinner WITHOUT the wine, and have some nice conversation (or something like that). You don't have to spill your guts or anything on the first date. Just be simple and forthcoming. Girls love that...
Just something to let her know where you stand on the drinking, and all the while letting her know how much you enjoy her company. If it's a problem for HER ( you not drinking), and you are trying to STOP drinking, then there really couldn't be any possibility of any long term compatability, right? Just be honest with her. If she's the type of girl you need by your side right now, she'll respect you for your decision to stay away from alcohol and will support you in it. If she doesn't, then realize that the right person will. That's just my 2 cents as a girl!
Take care. Let us know how things turn out. Stay strong!!!PG
:band
Last edited by PianoGirl; 08-05-2003 at 09:36 PM.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: DENVER,CO.
Posts: 3
Hi Bowden,Welcome! WhenI first got sober I was willing to go to any lenghts to stay sober and staying out of "slippery places" was one of them.I can only speak for myself,but I had to change playground and playmates.I hope everything works out for you,but.........
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Why do we have to come up with an excuse
when nobody really cares anyway? What's wrong with just saying, "I'm not drinking today?" That's all it takes. No big story need here. If I'm sitting at the dinner table and someone asks me if I'd like some green beans, I just say "no thankyou." What's the difference? For some reason we seem to have the "need" to explain why we don't drink, or why we don't want to drink....like anyone really cares. Furthermore, if I tell someone I don't want to drink and they get bothered about it, I can just get up and leave.
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