Back here for another failed attempt, but i don'twant that!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Back here for another failed attempt, but i don'twant that!
Hi all
I was on here some time ago, but failed miserably. I drink when happy & sad, but am now becoming aware as i should've done many years ago, that someone that has anxiety/depression, shouldn't drink.
My anxiety has ruined relationships, jobs, friendships. Not so much the drinking that has ruined these, only indirectly, because the paranoid, insecurity & needing of reassurance, stems from drinking & only will i get level headed, via not drinking, will things in my life work out. I'm a serial **** up at the moment!
I been through the system when it comes to mental health, took meds, done courses, seen psychiatrists, now i'm out the other side, only i can now do something for the future & not mess up again!
I have stopped before & life has been good, but never alone, it's always been with the motivation of losing someone or an ultimatum. I can do it as my doc says, i'm a habitual drinker.
Although the habitual side i think is now addictive side as i do get the feelings of wanting, around early evening & that is hard to fight.
Alcohol has never made me lose a realtionship, but the affects on my mental health have!
Now, i have fatty liver. I'm worried about this increasing to heppatitis & beyond. I have a pain in my side that my doc says is muscular from posture or sport, but i dunno!
I don't want to get worse, how attractive would that be to an emloyer or partner, but i'm writing this now looking forward to my glass & then bottle of wine! It's perverse & frightening!
I so know how much better i would feel as i felt it before, but am now lonley & upset about a loss, i want to numb my pain!
My doc won't give me antabuse as he says i'm not that bad & need a supportive counsellor alongside, i dunno!
The strange thing is, i like my red wine & beer, i love nights out, i just don't want what goes with it, the ruination of my life & missing out on true happiness! I'm getting no younger & at 33, i feel, although quite fit, my body won't take it as it did & my consumption of a bottle of wine, a fiew beers & a fiew shots, i'm immune to, i don't get drunk, my liver is used to it, but i haven't escalated too much!
I just wanted to speak as i'm scared & lonely
Thanks
Gazmix
I was on here some time ago, but failed miserably. I drink when happy & sad, but am now becoming aware as i should've done many years ago, that someone that has anxiety/depression, shouldn't drink.
My anxiety has ruined relationships, jobs, friendships. Not so much the drinking that has ruined these, only indirectly, because the paranoid, insecurity & needing of reassurance, stems from drinking & only will i get level headed, via not drinking, will things in my life work out. I'm a serial **** up at the moment!
I been through the system when it comes to mental health, took meds, done courses, seen psychiatrists, now i'm out the other side, only i can now do something for the future & not mess up again!
I have stopped before & life has been good, but never alone, it's always been with the motivation of losing someone or an ultimatum. I can do it as my doc says, i'm a habitual drinker.
Although the habitual side i think is now addictive side as i do get the feelings of wanting, around early evening & that is hard to fight.
Alcohol has never made me lose a realtionship, but the affects on my mental health have!
Now, i have fatty liver. I'm worried about this increasing to heppatitis & beyond. I have a pain in my side that my doc says is muscular from posture or sport, but i dunno!
I don't want to get worse, how attractive would that be to an emloyer or partner, but i'm writing this now looking forward to my glass & then bottle of wine! It's perverse & frightening!
I so know how much better i would feel as i felt it before, but am now lonley & upset about a loss, i want to numb my pain!
My doc won't give me antabuse as he says i'm not that bad & need a supportive counsellor alongside, i dunno!
The strange thing is, i like my red wine & beer, i love nights out, i just don't want what goes with it, the ruination of my life & missing out on true happiness! I'm getting no younger & at 33, i feel, although quite fit, my body won't take it as it did & my consumption of a bottle of wine, a fiew beers & a fiew shots, i'm immune to, i don't get drunk, my liver is used to it, but i haven't escalated too much!
I just wanted to speak as i'm scared & lonely
Thanks
Gazmix
Absolute Evil
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 206
We face a similar situation, you and I.
I did stop when I was in my early 30s for 3 years. They were the most positive years of my adult life. Then, very stupidly, I started back. Just a little, at first. Then it grew to a 5th of scotch every Friday & Saturday night.
I drank alone, playing Xbox 360 & other gaming systems. That was the highlight of my week. I stopped, a couple of weeks ago. Already, I feel more positive. The hardest part is breaking the cycle.
You know how it makes you feel. I didn't know it, but it was making me feel the same way. I had a quick temper, the temper of the devil, himself. That was one of the reasons I drank alone. The biggest reason was so I wouldn't get in trouble (DUI, etc).
Unfortunately, there is no magical cure for this thing called alcoholism. Only when, and not a second before, you REALLY want it to end, will it end. I didn't want it to end, I just knew I HAD to end it. I am diabetic and if I don't stop, it will cripple/kill me. Death doesn't frighten me, but being crippled does. I'm a big, strong, fairly tough guy. I couldn't deal with not being able to do things or fending for myself, very well.
Only after stopping, has my mind started clearing, and I am seeing the other benefits of stopping. I have felt incredibly good, last few days. Haven't felt that way for a long time.
The dark cloud over my head seems to be lifting.
I did stop when I was in my early 30s for 3 years. They were the most positive years of my adult life. Then, very stupidly, I started back. Just a little, at first. Then it grew to a 5th of scotch every Friday & Saturday night.
I drank alone, playing Xbox 360 & other gaming systems. That was the highlight of my week. I stopped, a couple of weeks ago. Already, I feel more positive. The hardest part is breaking the cycle.
You know how it makes you feel. I didn't know it, but it was making me feel the same way. I had a quick temper, the temper of the devil, himself. That was one of the reasons I drank alone. The biggest reason was so I wouldn't get in trouble (DUI, etc).
Unfortunately, there is no magical cure for this thing called alcoholism. Only when, and not a second before, you REALLY want it to end, will it end. I didn't want it to end, I just knew I HAD to end it. I am diabetic and if I don't stop, it will cripple/kill me. Death doesn't frighten me, but being crippled does. I'm a big, strong, fairly tough guy. I couldn't deal with not being able to do things or fending for myself, very well.
Only after stopping, has my mind started clearing, and I am seeing the other benefits of stopping. I have felt incredibly good, last few days. Haven't felt that way for a long time.
The dark cloud over my head seems to be lifting.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back....
Is this the time for you to explore a structured
recovery program? Please look at the 4th
sticky post above for a list...if your interested.
It's never too soon to begin a new healthy
life of sober living. But it can come too late.
Yes! you too can find recovery...
Is this the time for you to explore a structured
recovery program? Please look at the 4th
sticky post above for a list...if your interested.
It's never too soon to begin a new healthy
life of sober living. But it can come too late.
Yes! you too can find recovery...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Thanks TheMaster & Carol D
The Master, i know, breaking the habit cycle etc, i felt ok tonight, i feel clear, but am so used to going to the store, & getting that buzz that i'm not even sure i like too much, the initial one yes, but after that its too late, it carries on.
If i could just break that cycle.
I drink too & avoid people as i look for arguments & get wound up!, i become pig headed & stubborn & push people away & that saddens me!
Like you say with your diabetes, you didn't want it to end, but it had to, i think i may have to be in that situation, it sounds sad, but i feel that! Like if my doc said i had heppatitis. I feel weak as i give in so easily, so many times have i woken feeling crappy & said 'not tonight', then night arrives!!
Yeh, i'm a big, attractive so some say, fit guy with all going for me other than this monkey on my back! The monkey feels like its holding on & i like the buzz! Which is a buzz that is holding me back & ruining me! Ruining what i have to offer & give to a woman & a job!
That feeling TheMaster, is it that free feeling like you have as a child when all is well & contentment! I sure wanna strive for that!
CarolD, i will read sticky 4, i dunno.
gaz
The Master, i know, breaking the habit cycle etc, i felt ok tonight, i feel clear, but am so used to going to the store, & getting that buzz that i'm not even sure i like too much, the initial one yes, but after that its too late, it carries on.
If i could just break that cycle.
I drink too & avoid people as i look for arguments & get wound up!, i become pig headed & stubborn & push people away & that saddens me!
Like you say with your diabetes, you didn't want it to end, but it had to, i think i may have to be in that situation, it sounds sad, but i feel that! Like if my doc said i had heppatitis. I feel weak as i give in so easily, so many times have i woken feeling crappy & said 'not tonight', then night arrives!!
Yeh, i'm a big, attractive so some say, fit guy with all going for me other than this monkey on my back! The monkey feels like its holding on & i like the buzz! Which is a buzz that is holding me back & ruining me! Ruining what i have to offer & give to a woman & a job!
That feeling TheMaster, is it that free feeling like you have as a child when all is well & contentment! I sure wanna strive for that!
CarolD, i will read sticky 4, i dunno.
gaz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
i went to see my doc today for my liver test result. The gt levels were at 70. I'm not sure the significance of that if anyone can enlighten me?, my cells are damaged & releasing enzymes!
I drink a bottle of wine & a fiew beers a night, occasionally a fiew shots & it rarely gets more than that.
I'm pretty upset at the moment as i'm fresh out of a relationship & i'm hurting inside. I feel the rejection & seperation anxiety. I drink & think about my ex & it sucks. I know my anxiety pushed her away. That makes me feel bad, realy bad.
wf
I drink a bottle of wine & a fiew beers a night, occasionally a fiew shots & it rarely gets more than that.
I'm pretty upset at the moment as i'm fresh out of a relationship & i'm hurting inside. I feel the rejection & seperation anxiety. I drink & think about my ex & it sucks. I know my anxiety pushed her away. That makes me feel bad, realy bad.
wf
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
waterface in regards to the levels..... well I am not a doctor. When I went into detox I was diagnosed with a fatty liver, the doctor told me that as long as I did not drink any more it would heal........ 3 months later all of my liver enzymes were back to normal.
Besides hepatits one with a fatty liver needs to be aware that a fatty liver can progress into cirrosis of the liver...... cirrosis is PERMANENT!!!!!! However even with cirrosis of the liver if one abstains totally from alcohol if it is not to advanced one can lead a healthy life. Then of course there is pancreatic cancer and a host of others ways for an alcoholic to die if they choose to continue to drink.
You say:
I remember that feeling well, I spent the last 5 years of my drinking alone in my garage and I was scared as hell once I knew I had to drink in order to feel normal, heck I had to drink to exist and I knew it was going to kill me if I did not stop.
Let me tell you as you can tell from this board.... you are not alone. What saved me was a face to face recovery program, the one I used is AA. I never have to be alone again unless I want to be alone.
Besides hepatits one with a fatty liver needs to be aware that a fatty liver can progress into cirrosis of the liver...... cirrosis is PERMANENT!!!!!! However even with cirrosis of the liver if one abstains totally from alcohol if it is not to advanced one can lead a healthy life. Then of course there is pancreatic cancer and a host of others ways for an alcoholic to die if they choose to continue to drink.
You say:
I just wanted to speak as i'm scared & lonely
Let me tell you as you can tell from this board.... you are not alone. What saved me was a face to face recovery program, the one I used is AA. I never have to be alone again unless I want to be alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
I feel powerless at the moment. I wake feeling bad & say i won't drink that night & then i do. I see it at the moment as the highlight of my day, maybe because i haven't a lot going on.
What scares me is that i have been here so many times before & never gotten to the stage that you have. I have quit for others in my life, but not for myself.
I wonder when that moment will be!, i see & read of many people, famous rock stars, actors etc that drank far more than me & had far more money than me that stopped! Where did they get the power, focus & finally say 'thats it'.
I told my doctor that i need a shock, like hepatitis, he said i should see the red cross next to my liver test as a shock, so if i did, why did i drink last night! but like you say, some things maybe too late!
I can't wait for my next drink & am scared as i know the consequences.
I have been reffered to my substance misuse unit & am due an appointment in February. He told me they are the proffesionals & can offer me medication like antabuse or acamprosate!
What scares me is that i have been here so many times before & never gotten to the stage that you have. I have quit for others in my life, but not for myself.
I wonder when that moment will be!, i see & read of many people, famous rock stars, actors etc that drank far more than me & had far more money than me that stopped! Where did they get the power, focus & finally say 'thats it'.
I told my doctor that i need a shock, like hepatitis, he said i should see the red cross next to my liver test as a shock, so if i did, why did i drink last night! but like you say, some things maybe too late!
I can't wait for my next drink & am scared as i know the consequences.
I have been reffered to my substance misuse unit & am due an appointment in February. He told me they are the proffesionals & can offer me medication like antabuse or acamprosate!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I found this link helpful when I was looking for answers:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
When I realized how the alcohol was controlling my life. When I realized how the alcohol was killing me. When I realized the alcohol was not my comfort and friend, but prolonged discomfort, agony and a liar. I then realized I was an alcoholic and could not have another drink.
I also realized that I had too much life left in me and alcohol would suck the life right out of me if I continued to drink.
Reading Under the Influence helped me understand how alcohol affected every cell of my body (liver, brain, heart). With the knowledge of how I was addicted to it and needed it to function, I was able to stop the cycle. I needed the knowledge to back up my desire to stop.
I hope you find what you need to stop.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
When I realized how the alcohol was controlling my life. When I realized how the alcohol was killing me. When I realized the alcohol was not my comfort and friend, but prolonged discomfort, agony and a liar. I then realized I was an alcoholic and could not have another drink.
I also realized that I had too much life left in me and alcohol would suck the life right out of me if I continued to drink.
Reading Under the Influence helped me understand how alcohol affected every cell of my body (liver, brain, heart). With the knowledge of how I was addicted to it and needed it to function, I was able to stop the cycle. I needed the knowledge to back up my desire to stop.
I hope you find what you need to stop.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 469
Hi Waterface, It sounds like a 1000 lb gorilla on your back rather than a monkey.
I have depression, anxiety, etc and am on medication. I thought that alcohol was helping me, but now I realise that it was making my life worse, mentally and physically.
With 6 weeks under my belt I am coping with a very horrible marriage with a clear head and with more confidence...when drinking I just let life just go by, allowed others to hurt and control me in so many ways, for I only cared and thought of alcohol for I thought it was saving me from the pain as I felt Like I was worth nothing and that I deserved the abuse.
I do have along way to go, but I know I am on the right track.
How am I going forward sober? AA
I know alot of people do not like AA, I guess partially because of fear and of spirituality. I am connecting with my higher power...even though I am not a religious church going person, I have a sponsor who is taking me thru the steps, I have a room full of people who care about me, I am no longer alone, I connect with everyone in the room, in one way or another.
The strength I have been given, Alcohol could never do, I am amazed how alcohol tricked my head for so many years, but not anymore, I am in control of my future.
Good luck, we are here for you, stay strong, and if you want to stay sober, you will do ANYTHING to do so.
I have depression, anxiety, etc and am on medication. I thought that alcohol was helping me, but now I realise that it was making my life worse, mentally and physically.
With 6 weeks under my belt I am coping with a very horrible marriage with a clear head and with more confidence...when drinking I just let life just go by, allowed others to hurt and control me in so many ways, for I only cared and thought of alcohol for I thought it was saving me from the pain as I felt Like I was worth nothing and that I deserved the abuse.
I do have along way to go, but I know I am on the right track.
How am I going forward sober? AA
I know alot of people do not like AA, I guess partially because of fear and of spirituality. I am connecting with my higher power...even though I am not a religious church going person, I have a sponsor who is taking me thru the steps, I have a room full of people who care about me, I am no longer alone, I connect with everyone in the room, in one way or another.
The strength I have been given, Alcohol could never do, I am amazed how alcohol tricked my head for so many years, but not anymore, I am in control of my future.
Good luck, we are here for you, stay strong, and if you want to stay sober, you will do ANYTHING to do so.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Hi Pam, i'm so pleased that your coping with a clear head, i so know how hard it is to handle things when drinking & how emotionally weak that i feel at the smallest stress in life.
I do know & feel, as i felt it before, that i'm stronger, more attractive, healthier in all aspects person, i'm just feeling lonely & don't care at the moment & constantly think that i'll get that feeling of when the times is right at some point.
I'm reading a biography of a famous sportsman here in uk that is an alcoholic & he hit rock bottom & alcohol was consuming him as opposed to he consuming it & one day when he was in the pub at 11am on a Monday, alone & crying, he realised he'd reached that rock bottom & never drank again! I feel i need that!
Pelican, i will read your link, i currently need to 'stop the habitual cycle' that i have.
I don't feel & maybe naive, that its controlling me in that i need it all day, i only drink after 5pm & stop after my bottle of wine & 2 beers & then eat & then drink tea. It's been worse & been better, in fact i can't think of anything worse during the day.
I am doing positive things i feel by coming here, seeing my doctor, having my appointment at the alcohol misuse centre.
It all helps & thanks to you all.
wf
I do know & feel, as i felt it before, that i'm stronger, more attractive, healthier in all aspects person, i'm just feeling lonely & don't care at the moment & constantly think that i'll get that feeling of when the times is right at some point.
I'm reading a biography of a famous sportsman here in uk that is an alcoholic & he hit rock bottom & alcohol was consuming him as opposed to he consuming it & one day when he was in the pub at 11am on a Monday, alone & crying, he realised he'd reached that rock bottom & never drank again! I feel i need that!
Pelican, i will read your link, i currently need to 'stop the habitual cycle' that i have.
I don't feel & maybe naive, that its controlling me in that i need it all day, i only drink after 5pm & stop after my bottle of wine & 2 beers & then eat & then drink tea. It's been worse & been better, in fact i can't think of anything worse during the day.
I am doing positive things i feel by coming here, seeing my doctor, having my appointment at the alcohol misuse centre.
It all helps & thanks to you all.
wf
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 469
Keep positive and take it one day or minute at a time.
I have urges that come occassionally but they are getting less and less.
Good your feeling better about yourself, I am also feeling a bit better about myself. Slow but sure.
Here for ya
I have urges that come occassionally but they are getting less and less.
Good your feeling better about yourself, I am also feeling a bit better about myself. Slow but sure.
Here for ya
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
yeh i'm feeling better now for all the wrong reasons!!, i guess i'm not at the right moment yet !! & yet i feel in pain. I have the feeling of itchyness all over my body & an eczema type rash, i'm thinking its my liver!!
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
waterface,
You spoke about "rock stars" that stopped. Read Eric Clapton's book, you may see how he addressed the issue and how he still addresses it. Tazman, I, and a whole bunch more use the same method to stay sober. I too had elevated liver enzymes and the idea of dying just wasn't a good option.
Sorry to be blunt and not all touchy feely, but in a few words; If drinking is more important than living, KEEP DRINKING! We all have choices; you seem to be choosing booze.
You make reference in some of your posts that you need a "motivation." I have watched way too many people talk about the problem and then do nothing about it. Clinics and medication are a MEANS of stopping; they are not the answer that comes from within. I have a brother who went through three very expensive and extensive treatment facilities and always waited for them to fix him. The fourth one "ALSO DISAPPOINTED HIM" and so as he waited for a better treatment program he went home and drank himself into a stupor, fell down the stairs in his condo and broke his neck.
He hasn't had a drink for three years now, he can't grip a glass or bottle and he is so doped up with pain killers that he doesn't need booze anymore. I guess being a quadriplegic is one way to stop!
If my post offends, pass me by, I really am not trying to insult you, in fact I have no intention to do anything other than plainly state the facts. If alcohol is creating problems in your life, then you have an alcohol problem. If you really don't want the problems you will have to get rid of the source. It is in your hands and there is a way out if you want it.
I wish you the very best and will be more than happy to share with you my story if you want to private message me. The way that I have chosen is one of many, but it has kept me sober for the past nine plus years and continues to work as long as I put in the effort. My life is very good, I enjoy a wonderful social circle of friends, most of who are drinkers, but not alcoholics like me. I am single and on a good day can still get dates with women who also drink and in fact I operate in the “outside” world quite well, so if a fear of deprivation and loss of contact is what keeps you from addressing the issue, rest assured many of us live MUCH MORE COMPLETE AND FULFILLED LIVES than we did when we drank.
Jon
You spoke about "rock stars" that stopped. Read Eric Clapton's book, you may see how he addressed the issue and how he still addresses it. Tazman, I, and a whole bunch more use the same method to stay sober. I too had elevated liver enzymes and the idea of dying just wasn't a good option.
Sorry to be blunt and not all touchy feely, but in a few words; If drinking is more important than living, KEEP DRINKING! We all have choices; you seem to be choosing booze.
You make reference in some of your posts that you need a "motivation." I have watched way too many people talk about the problem and then do nothing about it. Clinics and medication are a MEANS of stopping; they are not the answer that comes from within. I have a brother who went through three very expensive and extensive treatment facilities and always waited for them to fix him. The fourth one "ALSO DISAPPOINTED HIM" and so as he waited for a better treatment program he went home and drank himself into a stupor, fell down the stairs in his condo and broke his neck.
He hasn't had a drink for three years now, he can't grip a glass or bottle and he is so doped up with pain killers that he doesn't need booze anymore. I guess being a quadriplegic is one way to stop!
If my post offends, pass me by, I really am not trying to insult you, in fact I have no intention to do anything other than plainly state the facts. If alcohol is creating problems in your life, then you have an alcohol problem. If you really don't want the problems you will have to get rid of the source. It is in your hands and there is a way out if you want it.
I wish you the very best and will be more than happy to share with you my story if you want to private message me. The way that I have chosen is one of many, but it has kept me sober for the past nine plus years and continues to work as long as I put in the effort. My life is very good, I enjoy a wonderful social circle of friends, most of who are drinkers, but not alcoholics like me. I am single and on a good day can still get dates with women who also drink and in fact I operate in the “outside” world quite well, so if a fear of deprivation and loss of contact is what keeps you from addressing the issue, rest assured many of us live MUCH MORE COMPLETE AND FULFILLED LIVES than we did when we drank.
Jon
Last edited by Jfanagle; 12-19-2008 at 12:47 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Which is the way Eric Clapton, you & Tazman keep up your abstinence?
My doctor told me that my gt liver level is 70 now & yet was 130 in my last test, which i find hard to believe as i'm drinking more. My doctor said that i have a long way to go!
I seem to keep coming out with excuses because i just can't say i'm stopping today & then doing it!
I am in a bad place at the moment emotionally & feel sometime that i am self harming & being self destructive as i just feel not wanted. I have lost so many things in the past including jobs relationships etc, not because of drink directly, just indirectly because of anxiety & yet who know where i would be with those things if i hadn't drank, my counselor agrees. I wouldn't want to know as it would be too upsetting.
Your brothers story is indeed something i should think about. I am in a position where i am being in denial that such things & illnesses will happen to me, but thats stupid. I think that while i feel ok in general, i eat well, run & workout regularly, i'll be ok!!
My family say that if i had to go into hospital i would be the 1st to panic & yet because i feel so bad about myself & lonely, i have a 'don't care' attitude.
I read it in a biography that drinking to excess isn't logical, i agree, as i know the problem in my life, anxiety, is caused & not helped by drinking, how my anxiety affects my life, the good i lost, the fact my liver is fatty & that leads to worse things, & that this would all go if i stopped!, but i drink & it's a thing i enjoy, but then again don't & the source of my problems is drink & still there!! I so wish i could have that 'no more' attitude now!!
I feel i want to feel life without drink, the life of no low days, anxiety, fear, sadness, but i chose that 3 hours of alcohol high to what you say is a 24/7 life of contentment & happiness which i so want but feel weak & powerless as i have stopped & started again so many times!!
Where do i get that strength from to carry it on.
I know the feeling i had when i stopped before for 6 months, i felt more mature, looked down upon the drunks in the bars when i went out with my partner & drank juice.
I'm feeling what would i replace that high with, maybe the high of sobriety!
Now i'm thinking of tomorrows party & yet i know where i'd rather be!
, like you all.
My doctor told me that my gt liver level is 70 now & yet was 130 in my last test, which i find hard to believe as i'm drinking more. My doctor said that i have a long way to go!
I seem to keep coming out with excuses because i just can't say i'm stopping today & then doing it!
I am in a bad place at the moment emotionally & feel sometime that i am self harming & being self destructive as i just feel not wanted. I have lost so many things in the past including jobs relationships etc, not because of drink directly, just indirectly because of anxiety & yet who know where i would be with those things if i hadn't drank, my counselor agrees. I wouldn't want to know as it would be too upsetting.
Your brothers story is indeed something i should think about. I am in a position where i am being in denial that such things & illnesses will happen to me, but thats stupid. I think that while i feel ok in general, i eat well, run & workout regularly, i'll be ok!!
My family say that if i had to go into hospital i would be the 1st to panic & yet because i feel so bad about myself & lonely, i have a 'don't care' attitude.
I read it in a biography that drinking to excess isn't logical, i agree, as i know the problem in my life, anxiety, is caused & not helped by drinking, how my anxiety affects my life, the good i lost, the fact my liver is fatty & that leads to worse things, & that this would all go if i stopped!, but i drink & it's a thing i enjoy, but then again don't & the source of my problems is drink & still there!! I so wish i could have that 'no more' attitude now!!
I feel i want to feel life without drink, the life of no low days, anxiety, fear, sadness, but i chose that 3 hours of alcohol high to what you say is a 24/7 life of contentment & happiness which i so want but feel weak & powerless as i have stopped & started again so many times!!
Where do i get that strength from to carry it on.
I know the feeling i had when i stopped before for 6 months, i felt more mature, looked down upon the drunks in the bars when i went out with my partner & drank juice.
I'm feeling what would i replace that high with, maybe the high of sobriety!
Now i'm thinking of tomorrows party & yet i know where i'd rather be!
, like you all.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Get a copy of the book, "Clapton" it is an eye opener regrding excess and living a sober life. To answer your question AA is where I found my solution, Taz and Clapton seem to have walked through that same door.
I have always consider myself strong willed and capable, but alcohol beat me and without the support of others in AA and the discovery that there is a force in the universe stronger than I am I would not be sober today.
For me admitting that I couldn't control my drinking was the start. No tapering off, no length of time without booze to prove I wasn't "THAT BAD" I am an alcoholic and I always will be, but I haven't been a drunk for several years and I don't ever need to be again.
For me AA was the vehicle that got and keeps me sober. I live a great life and my friends and family believe that I add rather than detract from their lives and that is much different than it was in 1999.
There is an oft quoted statement from the Big Book of Alcoholics Annonymous. "IF YOU WANT WHAT WE HAVE, YOU WILL HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DID." There are plenty of AA meeings all over the world. I have attended in New York, Ann Arbor, Laguna Beach and Beijing. They are all populated by my people.
There you have my speech, it is up to you from this point foward.
Good luck and Merry Chistmas,
Jon
I have always consider myself strong willed and capable, but alcohol beat me and without the support of others in AA and the discovery that there is a force in the universe stronger than I am I would not be sober today.
For me admitting that I couldn't control my drinking was the start. No tapering off, no length of time without booze to prove I wasn't "THAT BAD" I am an alcoholic and I always will be, but I haven't been a drunk for several years and I don't ever need to be again.
For me AA was the vehicle that got and keeps me sober. I live a great life and my friends and family believe that I add rather than detract from their lives and that is much different than it was in 1999.
There is an oft quoted statement from the Big Book of Alcoholics Annonymous. "IF YOU WANT WHAT WE HAVE, YOU WILL HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DID." There are plenty of AA meeings all over the world. I have attended in New York, Ann Arbor, Laguna Beach and Beijing. They are all populated by my people.
There you have my speech, it is up to you from this point foward.
Good luck and Merry Chistmas,
Jon
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Waterface...
I moved the sticky post I mentioned earlier to you
here is the new correct link to various recovery programs.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
About the rash and itch ...it might be that your now
allergic to alcohol. At the end of my drinking ...
the tops of my ears grew warm and red. Never did find
out why....but quitting solved the symptom....
My liver was never a problem for me but my brain
certainly became seriously affected. When diagnosed
with situational depression....I began AA.
It's been an awesome adventure ...
Good to see you are here and trying to find your answers.
I moved the sticky post I mentioned earlier to you
here is the new correct link to various recovery programs.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
About the rash and itch ...it might be that your now
allergic to alcohol. At the end of my drinking ...
the tops of my ears grew warm and red. Never did find
out why....but quitting solved the symptom....
My liver was never a problem for me but my brain
certainly became seriously affected. When diagnosed
with situational depression....I began AA.
It's been an awesome adventure ...
Good to see you are here and trying to find your answers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
jeez, i use to go to AA & then couldn't wait to go to the pub after! what does that say!!
last night was a heavy night out with people on Christmas do's, i felt drunk when i woke & shockingly fragile, toxic, aching in my side & vowed to not drink tonight at all. I even took my valium to try & cut the withdrawl.
I felt great without the drink, clear & not hot & red!, i knew i felt good, but just missed the initial high so ended up drinking.
I just feel nothing is working & i'm not motivated, i don't know what the hell i'm doing!
I know my relationships, anxiety, thought processes, all would be so much better, i just feel weak, trapped & in a bad habit/routine that i can't get out of, whether i want to get out of, i do & i don't & would my high be as good as the one i get from those 1st fiew drinks.
last night was a heavy night out with people on Christmas do's, i felt drunk when i woke & shockingly fragile, toxic, aching in my side & vowed to not drink tonight at all. I even took my valium to try & cut the withdrawl.
I felt great without the drink, clear & not hot & red!, i knew i felt good, but just missed the initial high so ended up drinking.
I just feel nothing is working & i'm not motivated, i don't know what the hell i'm doing!
I know my relationships, anxiety, thought processes, all would be so much better, i just feel weak, trapped & in a bad habit/routine that i can't get out of, whether i want to get out of, i do & i don't & would my high be as good as the one i get from those 1st fiew drinks.
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
[QUOTE=waterface;2027620]I see it at the moment as the highlight of my day, maybe because i haven't a lot going on.QUOTE]
Drinking is always a 'highlight' in my life...for the first drink or two..then it is a nightmare. But something you said struck me, that you may drink becasue you don't have a lot going on right now. I remember thinking that too....and now...I have everything I could want....and I still drink...I have a lot going on...and I still drink......it doesn't matter what I have or don't have going on in my life...I drink.
As far as failing miserably....I hear ya! Been there so many times and am on my way again! I too am back after awhile away. I have no words of support because I can't even keep myself sober....except to say, stick around and keep trying, and keep sharing.
Tay.
Drinking is always a 'highlight' in my life...for the first drink or two..then it is a nightmare. But something you said struck me, that you may drink becasue you don't have a lot going on right now. I remember thinking that too....and now...I have everything I could want....and I still drink...I have a lot going on...and I still drink......it doesn't matter what I have or don't have going on in my life...I drink.
As far as failing miserably....I hear ya! Been there so many times and am on my way again! I too am back after awhile away. I have no words of support because I can't even keep myself sober....except to say, stick around and keep trying, and keep sharing.
Tay.
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Oh ya...the reason I responded was because I saw what you said about the fatty liver...my father in law was diagnosed with that and within a year he was on his deathbed in the hospital..it was the most profound experience of my life, watching this man I love die....the poison in his body made him so crazy you couldn't communicate with him at all...and he had been warned about what was going to happen to him and yet he kept drinking...he was very fortunate, he received a liver transplant....not something that happens to everyone who gets as sick as he did....and even those who do get one still don't survive. He made it and is sober...but he is fortunate....the moral of this is please try to save yourself from getting to that point...cause it WILL happen. Do whatever you have to..to save your life.
Tay.
Tay.
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