Tasma

Hi everyone. I sometimes wonder about why it’s so hard for an alcoholic to stop drinking even when he/she knows the habit is causing a lot of harm. I think for many of us drinking had become a crutch to lean on. Perhaps we had not really learnt to handle life emotionally and mentally and now proceeded to look for support by artificial means. Seeing as we already had a predisposition to alcohol abuse it readily became our first choice “crutch”. I think about this because I know that for many years I didn’t drink at all, but found that when I started to “use” alcohol for emotional support – so to speak – I couldn’t stop myself from consuming copious quantities. What do others here think of the above observations? Thanks

Stubborn1

I know with the three alcoholics I have known and two that have died they quit "wanting" the alcohol and it became medically nessasary. It was no longer needed to numb but to survive.
For me it was an inhibitor and for the short time I was free from responsibility and could blame it all on alcohol.
Not sure if that answers the question. I didn't understand fully what you meant.

Tazman53

Tasma the first 30 years of my drinking, I drank because I loved to drink, I loved how alcohol made me feel, there were those times when I did drink to escape reality, but for the most part my first 30 years of drinking was to fit in and have fun.

Now the last 10 years of my drinking is when I was working on becoming physically, dependant upon alcohol and was using alcohol to numb out the probelms that alcohol was causing in my life, the last 5 years of my drinking were out of a physical and mental addiction to alcohol which emotionally blocked me off from the world almost entirely.

At the end of my drinking there was no joy in drinking for me, there was no escape from emotions, except oblivion, I was eat up with shame, guilt, and self hatred, I drank because I had to drink.

I am sure there are alcoholics who drank for the reasons you describe, self medication from depression and thier life in general. No alcoholic I know is totally unique, nor are we totally alike, but we all seem to have some basic similarities that only another alcoholic can truly understand.

justanothrdrunk

I think you're right on.

Freedom1990

For me, alcoholism was/is a disease of the emotions. When they passed out instructions on how to cope with emotions and deal with life, I was absent.

Today I no longer attend AA to not drink; I attend to continue learning how to live life on life's terms and deal with my emotions.

nandm

For me alcohol was more than an emotional crutch. My physical body craved it. But when it entered my body it reacted like an allergen that set off the obsession for more alcohol. I am sure that the emotional aspect was part of my drinking but it was not the only factor. For me my disease is a threefold one; spiritual, physical, and mental. All three components were equally responsible for my continued drinking. Until I found a solution that addressed all three things I was unable to find sobriety.

Tazman53

The one thing I would like to add is when I first sobered up I was an emotional cripple because it had been so many years since I actually felt real emotions that I had no idea how to deal with them, like freedom I continue to attend AA to continue to learn how to handle emotions and life in general.

Ananda

although i was physically addicted to alchohol at the end of my drinking, And although I drank cause i liked the effect,

I felt like I could be a part of when i drank...had a large emotional part to that.

I liked that I could block out certain emotions and enhance others although that bomaranged on me a bit at the end.

alchohol was an emotional crutch for me...in fact I believe today that had i not found alchohol i would have ended up a suicide or in a mental institution. As a woman once said to me...alchohol was the answer...it kept me alive long enough to get here and find this answer (here being AA).

beingjenagain

I am presently in a small AA womens step study and it is helping me sooo much. As I started to kick this alcohol thing I worry what will be my next addicition? Prior to my alcoholism my addictions went from sex then to food and then alcohol. I always drank but was able to keep it under control as I let other distructive behaviors surface. But now using the 12 steps I see that I can let go of all these emotional crutches. On step 4 I am really looking and being honest and it is as scary as anything I have ever done. But it is the solution to all this damn needyness I feel. I plan to walk on my own with no assitive devices whatsoever!!!

CarolD

hello again....:

Emotional Cripple? Tramatic Childhood? No...not me.

The reason I had difficulty overcoming my alcoholism
is that my liver and brain were not functioning
properly due to my drinking.

This chemical process is explained clearly in
"Under The Influence" ...excerpts are on the
2nd sticky post here.

I checked....and ...
I also gave you the link on your first post last year.

I certainly hope you find a way to a healthy positive life.

coffeenut

Towards the end of my 'drinking life', I just drank because it was what I did. 5:00 meant beer time. It just did. So....whatever I was doing, wherever I was, I Needed to start drinking. And I couldn't stop until I passed out or blacked out.

Keep in mind, this was a 30 year 'habit'.

Tasma

Thanks everyone, the comments here are always very insightful and helpful. I get your point Carol although my post does mention the fact that I continued to drink heavily in the past because of my alcoholism. I’m definitely not saying that depression or past emotional abuse is the cause of my alcoholism. I’m simply saying it may have been a trigger for it. The case may be different for every alcoholic but I will describe my own situation. Physically or physiologically I’ve been an alcoholic all my life but in fact did not drink or want to drink till late in my teens – I think I was roughly 18 or so. I had in fact had glasses of wine at weddings or parties during this time without wanting to have more or drink again the next day. Something broke emotionally for me that led me to want to drink first i.e. the wanting to drown my angst and inner anger. After that stage had occurred the physiological part took over when my alcoholic liver produced the physical addiction to alcohol. In a way then I became a “full blown” alcoholic. Like I said I know it was not the same for everyone I’m simply describing how it was for me. Again thanks for the comments everyone.

Texasblind

Taz summed it up perfectly for me. At the end, I drank because I had to. Emotionally I knew I had to stop and I was embarrassed going to the liquor store every single day, but if I stopped, for just a day, it would be the withdrawals. It wasn't until I got medical help that I was able to break that cycle. The physical was worse for me, although I'm nowhere near over all the emotional. I'll let you know in another year.

least

I used wine to 'relax' and not get bent out of shape dealing with two kids in high school. I began relaxing more and more and found that I liked not having to deal with life with all my feelings sticking out like shards of broken glass. In the end I was drinking cause I had to drink to get thru the day and night. And every time I relapsed it was because I couldn't stand having my feelings back.

I finally had enough and wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drown my feelings. Now I'm dealing with my feelings without drinking. It's hard sometimes but I know that drinking will only make things worse.

EvaCan

Hi Tasma

I sometimes wonder about why it’s so hard for an alcoholic to stop drinking even when he/she knows the habit is causing a lot of harm.

Good question, one I've wondered myself. I think for me it began with wanting to "fit in" and come out of my shell. I was really shy but after a couple drinks I became outgoing & funny. I felt like I was liked & I belonged. I became addicted to who I became when I drank.

At some point that changed & I found that when I drank, usually when I was having a bad day, I just wanted to escape & I knew that alcohol made me act different so I believed it would make me feel different too. The end of those nights ALWAYS ended in tears, anger or both. Drinking became a way for me to regurgitate all of the bad, sad feelings I had held in for so long.

I drank because I was sad, mad, lonely, any and all of those emotions even when outwardly I looked happy & even felt happy. Those emotions I learned I couldn't express where always bubbling just under the surface & alcohol allowed me to let it out without consciously making the decision.

EvaCan

I just want to add one more thing. I never forgot the way alcohol made me feel in the beginning, when it was fun & the nights ended good. At the beginning my nights never ended in tears or rage & I think I chased that dragon, thinking this time when I drink it will end good like it used to. It never did though, not at the end. I can't tell you the last time I passed out after a night of drinking without crying or being belligerent or even violent.

SelfSeeking

I find this true for me, as someone who began drinking in my mid-teens. I had my first major depressive episode when I was 7, according to my and my family's memories (at that time, no one thought kids could really have depression). A teacher suggested to me that she thought I was depressed in 6th grade! I began treatment when I was 17, started drinking at 15. For me it all came together when I began drinking. I believe they are separate issues, though. My first drink, which I snuck, all alone- no social reinforcement or anything- physically and emotionally effected me in a big way. It was my first attempt and failure at moderation, too! I poured myself a shot of tequila, promising myself I was "just trying it", put the bottle back... and took it down/poured/put it back 3 more times. Instant rush of euphoria. It was that reaction of my body and brain that hooked me. Would I have chased it so hard for so long if I wasn't depressed? Dunno. But here I am anyway, I don't worry too much about the "why" of it anymore

I sure am learning coping mechanisms now that it would have been nice to develop in my teens and early twenties, though. I'm so grateful to be sober today.

queldrag

Well stated! I can definately relate!

CarolD

queldrag ...
Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum

Thanks2HP

I quit drinking before I became physically dependent but I was headed that direction. A 3rd DUI and two uncles that died of the disease convinced me that I was an alcoholic. I tried to stop after the 2nd DUI and a couple of other times but couldn't on my own. After the "nudge from the judge" from the 2nd DUI I managed to put a couple of years together but stopped going to meetings. I didn't work the steps and didn't get a sponsor which is the recipe for relapse. I went back out for a couple of years. I now have 14 years away from my last drink. I came back in, got a sponsor, worked the steps and life got better. Unfortunately I got complacent in recovery and reverted to old behavior which caused a lot of financial damage and emotional pain of which I'm still in the midst of. I've suffered from depression all my life and have been on anti-depressants for about 4 years now. I believe that part of the reason I drank was to self medicate. I still don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm shy and have anxiety around people which the alcohol initially helped with.

So yeah, I consider myself an emotional cripple. I'm one of the walking wounded in society. Every time I pass a homeless person, especially a drunk or high homeless person I know it could very well be me.

I hope that you get sober and stay sober.

Peace