Stobert

Substitute "disease" for "habit" and I understand why it was difficult for me to stop drinking, I have a disease that affects how I react when I use alcohol.

Hawkeye1926

For the longest time, for me at least...emotions/expression of emotion/feeling anything but happiness = bad, and something you DON'T do. End of discussion. So, that's what I did. Any time something happened...you put the blinders on and you go. You get through it, you ignore the pain, ignore whatever is going on around you...your pain, your concerns/well being. After all, you'll figure it out later...right?

That was the plan. The plain failed. I never dealt with it later. A good 25 years of doing that, and the idea of feeling emotion became one of...well, fear. I was afraid to feel. I didn't know what to expect, and I still don't know what to expect. Even "simple" emotions such as happiness and sadness. I've been numb through substances/emotionally for so very long...that I've forgotten how to feel.

It was hard for me, because giving up alcohol meant giving up my one last thing I knew that worked for me. When those emotions (and all the memories tied into those) came back up, rather than deal with them...I didn't know how to deal with them and wanted them to just go away. When I gave up alcohol (with much denial/fighting/I'm not that bad...blah blah blah) it was essentially starting over as a human. Learning how to feel again was the big thing, and actually ALLOWING myself to feel again.

It's still something that throws me for a loop sometimes.