Making new friends while young and sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: witness protection program
Posts: 378
I don't think I'm desperate for a relationship if that's what you think... I'm dating a girl right now actually, which I won't get into. I feel I am a reasonably confident person with a sense of self worth, but I admit this has been slowly eroding because of my experiences. My problem is with people in general, that includes platonic, not just romantic relationships. I can't shake the feeling that sobriety and AA is basically a life sentence for stuff I did almost entirely during my teen years. I feel like the world is making me pay for the rest of my life for things I did when I was too young and messed up to know better. The fact is, because of my age and being in university, I am in a real bind. Noone has any sort of worthwhile advice or solution to this because they are either experiencing it themselves, they never got sober until age 40+, or like most people they are a drinker/partier and don't know what my problem is.
Most of the time, I don't even care anymore because I have accepted that this is the price I have to pay for sobriety. I just hope to stay sober, keep moving on with my life, and hopefully things will change for the better someday at god's discretion.
Most of the time, I don't even care anymore because I have accepted that this is the price I have to pay for sobriety. I just hope to stay sober, keep moving on with my life, and hopefully things will change for the better someday at god's discretion.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
My son, who is 27, got sober when he was just turning 20. He used AA as a social connection for a few months and then as he was in his sophomore year in college he began running marathons as well as playing in community soccer leagues as a way to expand his social circle beyond AA and school and work. He worked in a grocery store as well to help pay for college.
It was by being outgoing and trying to make the first introduction and not concentrating of the fact that he no longer drank or used, that he built several good and solid friendships and a whole bunch of acquaintance connections. He has related to me that living a sober life SLOWLY began to be "normal" and his personality reflected a much more open and interested view of those around him.
In my experience we become different in all aspects as we begin to evolve into the person who finds comfort in friendships and honesty as opposed to the bottle where we had previously looked for that same feeling of comfort and safety. A great many of us lose the ability to be extroverted as we sink into dependency and when we stop being dependant on the bottle or drugs, we have to re-learn our way of connecting with others.
Chris, my son, eventually met a girl while running, who introduced him to her roommate. The roommate became his wife and now she is a pediatrician, Chris is an accountant and their daughter is one of my grandchildren. It all worked out over the past 8 years.
Good things sometimes take longer than we want them to, but they happen just when they are supposed to. Hang in there, do some of the "uncomfortable" things when it comes to mixing and interacting and you may be surprised at the results. Best of luck to you and remember that regardless you are sober and that will insure that you are ABLE to think about your choices.
Jon
It was by being outgoing and trying to make the first introduction and not concentrating of the fact that he no longer drank or used, that he built several good and solid friendships and a whole bunch of acquaintance connections. He has related to me that living a sober life SLOWLY began to be "normal" and his personality reflected a much more open and interested view of those around him.
In my experience we become different in all aspects as we begin to evolve into the person who finds comfort in friendships and honesty as opposed to the bottle where we had previously looked for that same feeling of comfort and safety. A great many of us lose the ability to be extroverted as we sink into dependency and when we stop being dependant on the bottle or drugs, we have to re-learn our way of connecting with others.
Chris, my son, eventually met a girl while running, who introduced him to her roommate. The roommate became his wife and now she is a pediatrician, Chris is an accountant and their daughter is one of my grandchildren. It all worked out over the past 8 years.
Good things sometimes take longer than we want them to, but they happen just when they are supposed to. Hang in there, do some of the "uncomfortable" things when it comes to mixing and interacting and you may be surprised at the results. Best of luck to you and remember that regardless you are sober and that will insure that you are ABLE to think about your choices.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Did he really say:
"Noone has any sort of worthwhile advice or solution to this because they are either experiencing it themselves, they never got sober until age 40+, "
Well young man, just what do you mean by that????? lol, Bob, just because we got sober/clean at 40+, sure doesn't mean we don't feel the loneliness and the dilemma of where to meet other like us as much as you do in your 20's. It isn't any different. You are so funny!
KJ
"Noone has any sort of worthwhile advice or solution to this because they are either experiencing it themselves, they never got sober until age 40+, "
Well young man, just what do you mean by that????? lol, Bob, just because we got sober/clean at 40+, sure doesn't mean we don't feel the loneliness and the dilemma of where to meet other like us as much as you do in your 20's. It isn't any different. You are so funny!
KJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: witness protection program
Posts: 378
Originally Posted by kj3880 
Did he really say:
"Noone has any sort of worthwhile advice or solution to this because they are either experiencing it themselves, they never got sober until age 40+, "
Well young man, just what do you mean by that????? lol, Bob, just because we got sober/clean at 40+, sure doesn't mean we don't feel the loneliness and the dilemma of where to meet other like us as much as you do in your 20's. It isn't any different. You are so funny!
KJ
"Noone has any sort of worthwhile advice or solution to this because they are either experiencing it themselves, they never got sober until age 40+, "
Well young man, just what do you mean by that????? lol, Bob, just because we got sober/clean at 40+, sure doesn't mean we don't feel the loneliness and the dilemma of where to meet other like us as much as you do in your 20's. It isn't any different. You are so funny!
KJ
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
hey bob..
my name's rachel and i'm also young and sober. i'm having an equal amount of trouble finding other young and sober people. it's tough, but definitely (for the time being) finding things you enjoy doing would help - get passionate about something! it's easier to find people who you'll like who share some of the same interests and make that the focus of the friendship/relationship (ex. biking, other exercising, movies, music, politics, etc..)
everything has it's time. eventually you'll meet some like-minded people.
my name's rachel and i'm also young and sober. i'm having an equal amount of trouble finding other young and sober people. it's tough, but definitely (for the time being) finding things you enjoy doing would help - get passionate about something! it's easier to find people who you'll like who share some of the same interests and make that the focus of the friendship/relationship (ex. biking, other exercising, movies, music, politics, etc..)
everything has it's time. eventually you'll meet some like-minded people.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 146
Hi Bob,
I know how you feel in a lot of ways and many of us in early sobriety (less than a couple of years) probably do at some time or another. I'll give a few examples.
- when a colleague says 'lets go for a beer soon' you wish you could have just one beer and be normal.
- when you know a 'get together' will involve drink and you think about ways to avoid it.
- when you see people lose their inhibitions with drink and have a great time and then have the natural ability to not drink for three weeks afterwards without any effort, because drinking to them is just something they do now and again to let their hair down (whilst to us the whole thing, sober or drunk, is a way of life).
I could name many other times and ways in which I wish I could 'join in'.
Then I remember - THE MISERY - of drinking 3 bottles of wine a night for 8 years (more off than on) with never more than a few days sober. I remember getting fat, blotchy skin, the runs, headaches, hating myself, being violent, over emotional - an all round a*****e. I remember hating myself. Sure I functioned at work (kind of) but my life was a mess in the background.
I still wish I could join in now and again - but not as much as I fear ever hating myself and my body as much as I once did. I guess I'm saying try to keep it in perspective.
We're different. Maybe it's a disease? Maybe we have addictive personalities? Maybe we have self control? I don't know. But I do know that alcoholics have a simple choice of sober or drunk and whilst I might miss not being totally free to do EVERYTHING in life I sure don't miss the misery of being a drunk.
I know how you feel in a lot of ways and many of us in early sobriety (less than a couple of years) probably do at some time or another. I'll give a few examples.
- when a colleague says 'lets go for a beer soon' you wish you could have just one beer and be normal.
- when you know a 'get together' will involve drink and you think about ways to avoid it.
- when you see people lose their inhibitions with drink and have a great time and then have the natural ability to not drink for three weeks afterwards without any effort, because drinking to them is just something they do now and again to let their hair down (whilst to us the whole thing, sober or drunk, is a way of life).
I could name many other times and ways in which I wish I could 'join in'.
Then I remember - THE MISERY - of drinking 3 bottles of wine a night for 8 years (more off than on) with never more than a few days sober. I remember getting fat, blotchy skin, the runs, headaches, hating myself, being violent, over emotional - an all round a*****e. I remember hating myself. Sure I functioned at work (kind of) but my life was a mess in the background.
I still wish I could join in now and again - but not as much as I fear ever hating myself and my body as much as I once did. I guess I'm saying try to keep it in perspective.
We're different. Maybe it's a disease? Maybe we have addictive personalities? Maybe we have self control? I don't know. But I do know that alcoholics have a simple choice of sober or drunk and whilst I might miss not being totally free to do EVERYTHING in life I sure don't miss the misery of being a drunk.
Silly Rabbit
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 956
"No offense, but this is a completely different matter for guys than girls. I've never met a girl in recovery in this situation, yet I know several guys who are. A girl just has to sit there and look good, and the whole world flocks to her. If you're a guy, you have to bust your ass and you'll still end up lonely. I'm not stupid, I've been putting myself out there for most of sobriety. I've pursued sports, dated, gone to groups, talked to people I meet in class, tons of sh1t. I'm still in the same place.
If you're a woman and you don't drink, it makes zero difference in relationships, guys still pursue you. If you're a man and you don't drink/party, you're a "nice guy", "boring", "unsociable", the list goes on... It's like you've got the black plague the minute a girl realizes you don't drink."
alright buddy, let's break it down. this is what i did when i FIRST got sober - i didn't talk to anyone, didn't get coffee, hung out with my mom and my old drinking buddies, and walked my dog. and worked.
now, i stayed sober one day at a time and here's what i do NOW - play softball on sundays, do service work at my home group and at detoxes in the area, take the dog to the dog park with my friends, go to the beach with friends, go swimming, get coffee with friends, listen to music (live shows + whatever band is forming amongst the crew at the time), go to sober and non-sober parties, hang out with friends late night, watch movies, longboard, go to yoga (at least half of my buddies are in yoga, too), work, volunteer for certain events, hang out with my family, play tennis, etc. etc.
at LEAST half my friends are guys. my new roommate? a guy. and i resent that "looking cute" is all it takes for girls to have friends. that's ridiculous. i know lots of cute girls, and not all of them have a lot of friends. most of them are sweet, and that's why they have friends, not because they're cute. i'm not cute, and i have lots and lots of friends... it's mostly because i work at my friendships and i'm willing to go outside my comfort zone. when i signed up to play softball over the summer, i had to pray on my way there for God to take my fear. fall season, i organized a team. when i first moved to charlotte, i threw myself head first into any AA activity i could, which included being in the winterfest 12 tradition play... just a liiiiiiiittle nerdy, but it got my face seen and it let people know that i was willing to laugh at myself and have fun.
you sound like there's some set of rules for friendship. relax a little, go do some stuff that's FUN, and it'll happen. plus, you'll make friends with the kinds of kids you get along with best anyway. i have friends that i'm really close too, friends that i'm not, and acquaintances. friendships ebb and flow... some of my friends that i spent a lot of time with i barely see anymore. some of my friends that i wasn't ever close with are becoming my near and dears.
take it easy, slice. it's all good.
If you're a woman and you don't drink, it makes zero difference in relationships, guys still pursue you. If you're a man and you don't drink/party, you're a "nice guy", "boring", "unsociable", the list goes on... It's like you've got the black plague the minute a girl realizes you don't drink."
alright buddy, let's break it down. this is what i did when i FIRST got sober - i didn't talk to anyone, didn't get coffee, hung out with my mom and my old drinking buddies, and walked my dog. and worked.
now, i stayed sober one day at a time and here's what i do NOW - play softball on sundays, do service work at my home group and at detoxes in the area, take the dog to the dog park with my friends, go to the beach with friends, go swimming, get coffee with friends, listen to music (live shows + whatever band is forming amongst the crew at the time), go to sober and non-sober parties, hang out with friends late night, watch movies, longboard, go to yoga (at least half of my buddies are in yoga, too), work, volunteer for certain events, hang out with my family, play tennis, etc. etc.
at LEAST half my friends are guys. my new roommate? a guy. and i resent that "looking cute" is all it takes for girls to have friends. that's ridiculous. i know lots of cute girls, and not all of them have a lot of friends. most of them are sweet, and that's why they have friends, not because they're cute. i'm not cute, and i have lots and lots of friends... it's mostly because i work at my friendships and i'm willing to go outside my comfort zone. when i signed up to play softball over the summer, i had to pray on my way there for God to take my fear. fall season, i organized a team. when i first moved to charlotte, i threw myself head first into any AA activity i could, which included being in the winterfest 12 tradition play... just a liiiiiiiittle nerdy, but it got my face seen and it let people know that i was willing to laugh at myself and have fun.
you sound like there's some set of rules for friendship. relax a little, go do some stuff that's FUN, and it'll happen. plus, you'll make friends with the kinds of kids you get along with best anyway. i have friends that i'm really close too, friends that i'm not, and acquaintances. friendships ebb and flow... some of my friends that i spent a lot of time with i barely see anymore. some of my friends that i wasn't ever close with are becoming my near and dears.
take it easy, slice. it's all good.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Heya Bob,
I got sober initially in my twenties, and I was very young in my fellowship, I felt young, I felt different, today it's a different story, I am 43, and there are tons of young people, now I feel "old", or at least I did last night, there were about 100 very young people at the meeting I attended (out of maybe 200-300 people)
Emimily pretty much nailed it, I had to get active inside and outside of my fellowship, I just moved, so I've taken a ton of commitments, as a greeter, as an H& I Rep, and one as an inter-county Rep, I've attended many of the "functions, anyway, inside the fellowship I've thrown myself in with both feet to stay busy and "be a part of" no matter how uncomfortable it is, and how awkward I feel. I realize that's not the answer to ALL my "social problems" but it's a start.
However, I'd also like to say, that a few years ago I moved to an extremely isolated area where there was absolutely NO "fellowship" and I spent the last 6 months there driving one to two hours in each direction to attend meetings doing another "90 in 90", but the moment I could, I moved to an area with a fellowship, because I realize I need that, without a fellowship I was miserable and I drank after two years so on a very real level I understand what it is you are going through.
For me, I did have to learn to separate what was my "stuff", what was my self pity, what parts of my brain that were talking to me was my disease trying to make me so uncomfortable that a drink seemed like a good idea, and what was actually loneliness, and truthfully, I don't know, and at this point, I don't care, because I addressed those issues, by moving back "home" by getting active, by "doing the next right thing" etc.
I could do the third step prayer until my face turned blue, work the program, go to meetings, but I was LONELY, heartbreakingly so, this is just for me, but I need a fellowship, I need people with similar interests, I am just not strong enough to "do this alone" and yeah, in AA we call changing your location to change the way you feel, "pulling a geographic" but I have to say, when I was living in an area where I didn't get "fed" from meetings and a fellowship, I got "sick", and within a few years was suffering from "untreated alcoholism" even while not drinking and after having done the steps about six times, having had "long term sobriety" yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.
So, for me, I am feeling better living in an area with an active, large and robust fellowship, I am reworking the steps, got a new sponsor, throwing myself in the program with the same intensity as I did when I was new...and it's helping..."sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but it will always materialize if we work for it" is coming true for me again today.
Good luck.
I got sober initially in my twenties, and I was very young in my fellowship, I felt young, I felt different, today it's a different story, I am 43, and there are tons of young people, now I feel "old", or at least I did last night, there were about 100 very young people at the meeting I attended (out of maybe 200-300 people)
Emimily pretty much nailed it, I had to get active inside and outside of my fellowship, I just moved, so I've taken a ton of commitments, as a greeter, as an H& I Rep, and one as an inter-county Rep, I've attended many of the "functions, anyway, inside the fellowship I've thrown myself in with both feet to stay busy and "be a part of" no matter how uncomfortable it is, and how awkward I feel. I realize that's not the answer to ALL my "social problems" but it's a start.
However, I'd also like to say, that a few years ago I moved to an extremely isolated area where there was absolutely NO "fellowship" and I spent the last 6 months there driving one to two hours in each direction to attend meetings doing another "90 in 90", but the moment I could, I moved to an area with a fellowship, because I realize I need that, without a fellowship I was miserable and I drank after two years so on a very real level I understand what it is you are going through.
For me, I did have to learn to separate what was my "stuff", what was my self pity, what parts of my brain that were talking to me was my disease trying to make me so uncomfortable that a drink seemed like a good idea, and what was actually loneliness, and truthfully, I don't know, and at this point, I don't care, because I addressed those issues, by moving back "home" by getting active, by "doing the next right thing" etc.
I could do the third step prayer until my face turned blue, work the program, go to meetings, but I was LONELY, heartbreakingly so, this is just for me, but I need a fellowship, I need people with similar interests, I am just not strong enough to "do this alone" and yeah, in AA we call changing your location to change the way you feel, "pulling a geographic" but I have to say, when I was living in an area where I didn't get "fed" from meetings and a fellowship, I got "sick", and within a few years was suffering from "untreated alcoholism" even while not drinking and after having done the steps about six times, having had "long term sobriety" yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.
So, for me, I am feeling better living in an area with an active, large and robust fellowship, I am reworking the steps, got a new sponsor, throwing myself in the program with the same intensity as I did when I was new...and it's helping..."sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but it will always materialize if we work for it" is coming true for me again today.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 53
*bump* I decided to bump this thread because I am going through exactly this...I am 25 and I feel like I have lost all but 1 of my friends when I stopped drinking. All social interactions revolve around alcohol it seems. Even tonight, I was finally invited to a show and I was excited and confident enough to go without drinking....but alas, as I was getting ready I got a phone call from my friend and they canceled on me because they wanted to go to a bar instead.
This has been the story of my life for the past few months. I'm much healthier in SO many ways do to my sobriety but I used to be such a social being...this is just depressing.
This has been the story of my life for the past few months. I'm much healthier in SO many ways do to my sobriety but I used to be such a social being...this is just depressing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 110
I'm 34. My social interactions are at work or at jiu jitsu classes that I do 2-3 times per week. Other than that I rarely interact with anyone but I'm kind of fine with it right now. All of my friends and coworkers social lives revolve around drinking so I don't hang out with them anymore.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 189
It can be for sure very hard to have friends. I had friends who liked to drink and thats all we ever did. I'm 27 and been trying to stay sober for the past 3 years. I've been on and off on and off and now I'm 5 months sober again. But luckily for me people at work are my friends within the store but I also made personal friends away from the store when we aren't working. I have 2 friends who don't drink at all and take no interest in ever drinking. No I wasn't the reason why. But I was a prime example of what alcohol can do to a person who continues to drink.
As for advice. I'm not sure myself. I don't really know how to approach that question because I have been a lonely guy for a long time... well until now, I recently found someone I care for so much that I'd never want her to see me drunk because she is attracted to the sober man I am today. She'd run if she ever saw the drunkard who yells at anyone who says something he don't like and gets into fist fights.
I tried doing the same thing though, joining clubs, group things. Never really helped me but everyone is different. I am still shy when it comes to being a sober guy. But heck when I was drunk you couldn't shut me up until 6am the next morning. It's hard though, but I feel I haven't much friends for the fact that I don't go to school myself and even if I did I think I'd still be in the same position as you are because alot of students LOVE to party it up every weekend. It can be a struggle for sure but you have to remember though, your sober right? Keep it that way, things may seem rough and they say it takes a while for things to feel better as time goes on and it will get better. 5 months ago I wasn't the young man I am today. I was ruined, broke and had to get out of the house I was living in because I couldn't pay rent yet alone buy food for myself seeing I'm diabetic.
Today I'm sober, happy and very grateful for all my parents help and the program I'm in and having these rooms as support and my 2 non drinking friends' support. So hopefully you'll get some better answers because I can't really give much seeing Im in the same rut lol. Good luck however
As for advice. I'm not sure myself. I don't really know how to approach that question because I have been a lonely guy for a long time... well until now, I recently found someone I care for so much that I'd never want her to see me drunk because she is attracted to the sober man I am today. She'd run if she ever saw the drunkard who yells at anyone who says something he don't like and gets into fist fights.
I tried doing the same thing though, joining clubs, group things. Never really helped me but everyone is different. I am still shy when it comes to being a sober guy. But heck when I was drunk you couldn't shut me up until 6am the next morning. It's hard though, but I feel I haven't much friends for the fact that I don't go to school myself and even if I did I think I'd still be in the same position as you are because alot of students LOVE to party it up every weekend. It can be a struggle for sure but you have to remember though, your sober right? Keep it that way, things may seem rough and they say it takes a while for things to feel better as time goes on and it will get better. 5 months ago I wasn't the young man I am today. I was ruined, broke and had to get out of the house I was living in because I couldn't pay rent yet alone buy food for myself seeing I'm diabetic.
Today I'm sober, happy and very grateful for all my parents help and the program I'm in and having these rooms as support and my 2 non drinking friends' support. So hopefully you'll get some better answers because I can't really give much seeing Im in the same rut lol. Good luck however
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
I find there are a lot of people our age (I am 27) that do not drink or party...There are young AA groups. I dunno, maybe you're trying too hard? Not saying that to be a bad thing, but it might be one of those things that the moment you back off of it, things might magically fall into place.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Gresham, Oregon
Posts: 12
It seems that if people don't want to hang around with you because you're sober, it's because to at least some degree their social calendar revolves around drinking, and if that's the case you might not want to hang around them anyway.
It also seems that you're meeting the wrong people if they're going to exclude someone for choosing not to drink. There are people out there who will respect you for your choices, and those are the ones you're going to want to keep as friends. They may take longer to find but it's worth the wait.
It also seems that you're meeting the wrong people if they're going to exclude someone for choosing not to drink. There are people out there who will respect you for your choices, and those are the ones you're going to want to keep as friends. They may take longer to find but it's worth the wait.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,602
hi Navyjj007 
we had a Young Adults thread going but it kind fizzled out...you're welcome to try and kick start it again...probably a good time to do so
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...st3729717.html
there was also some discussion here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...st3740853.html
D
we had a Young Adults thread going but it kind fizzled out...you're welcome to try and kick start it again...probably a good time to do so
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...st3729717.html
there was also some discussion here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...st3740853.html
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
