One home two alcoholics
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 5
One home two alcoholics
Hi. I'm new, brand new and on Day 1 (again).
Does anyone have an experience in Recovery when both partners in a marriage are alcoholic and both want to become sober? My abf is also on Day 1.
Thanks.
Does anyone have an experience in Recovery when both partners in a marriage are alcoholic and both want to become sober? My abf is also on Day 1.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Brighton UK
Posts: 328
My girlfriend and I have tried stopping together, but the problem is that one of us has always been less motivated than the other. As soon as the less motivated one decided to indulge, then the other follows. I think it makes it more difficult.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Two sobering up in same home?
Hi & Welcome!
My husband and I both drank....maybe even the same amount most of the time on the weekends but he would drink faster, eat, and be done with it. I was a sipper and wanted to drink most of the day and then eat.
He never did admit he was an alcoholic but decided I was one and I did go to treatment & managed to stay sober a year with his drinking now & then. I decided to get a divorce since I simply did not want to quit drinking yet.
I had gone to counseling for Clinical Depression but back in the late 60's & early 70's they really didn't know how to treat depression. I did go to AA but my heart and soul weren't in it and I felt like I was given the message while in alcohol treatment that in order for me to stay sober I would have to leave my husband....this was probably a mixed message mis-understood by me with my debilitating depression. Later I was told that I was self-medicating my depression with alcohol and then passed over the invisable line of alcoholism.
I was surprised when you spoke of one or the other of you wanting a drink & then both of you would drink. My husband and I would try to do no drinking during the work week but we never seemed to make it past the fourth day. :wtf2
We both remarried and he didn't drink for nine years. I remarried a man that drank a lot probably because I knew I could drink too with out many of the negatives against drinking but I didn't know what I was getting into & it was a very big mistake. I really was too sick to make any decisions for anything at this time but there wasn't much help out there like there is now.
Both of us divorced our second spouces and I moved across state to where my children and first husband lived. I had my own place and a job & one daughter eleven years old from my second marriage. He drank some and I do tend to agree he was an abuser of alcohol once in a while but not often.
I quit drinking four years after I moved back over there and also got help for my depression. By this time I was going to be 49 years old when I had been sober for one year. I went back to college to finish my BA Degree in Psychology and found a good job after I finished college. :atv
My X-husband and I did things together on the weekends...he never drank when I was around. Then my daughter and I moved in with him. She was the one that wanted to....I was still afraid of messing up again. He told me that he quit drinking for himself so he could have a life with me again.
After we both were retired from our respective jobs he asked me to get married again....I agreed and that was almost seven years ago.
We have a very good life together and there are no more four days to wait to drink alcohol. We have two sons that have alcohol related problems and a son and two daughters that don't.
It is hard to know what to do in your case. I found out that I could only quit for myself to help myself be an okay Mom, & eventually a wife again...before I always thought of everyone else first and didn't see to my needs. The same for my husband...he did enjoy drinking and didn't have any real problems with it but knew it wasn't good for his health.
I wish you the best of luck...I know I couldn't have done this by myself...I did need AA Meetings, the Program, and sober people to be around to help myself get better. Maybe it would help if you two go to AA Meetings either separate or together depending on how you both feel about it.
Keep coming back. There is a lot of experience, strength, & hope here to share with you.
kelsh
My husband and I both drank....maybe even the same amount most of the time on the weekends but he would drink faster, eat, and be done with it. I was a sipper and wanted to drink most of the day and then eat.
He never did admit he was an alcoholic but decided I was one and I did go to treatment & managed to stay sober a year with his drinking now & then. I decided to get a divorce since I simply did not want to quit drinking yet.
I had gone to counseling for Clinical Depression but back in the late 60's & early 70's they really didn't know how to treat depression. I did go to AA but my heart and soul weren't in it and I felt like I was given the message while in alcohol treatment that in order for me to stay sober I would have to leave my husband....this was probably a mixed message mis-understood by me with my debilitating depression. Later I was told that I was self-medicating my depression with alcohol and then passed over the invisable line of alcoholism.
I was surprised when you spoke of one or the other of you wanting a drink & then both of you would drink. My husband and I would try to do no drinking during the work week but we never seemed to make it past the fourth day. :wtf2
We both remarried and he didn't drink for nine years. I remarried a man that drank a lot probably because I knew I could drink too with out many of the negatives against drinking but I didn't know what I was getting into & it was a very big mistake. I really was too sick to make any decisions for anything at this time but there wasn't much help out there like there is now.
Both of us divorced our second spouces and I moved across state to where my children and first husband lived. I had my own place and a job & one daughter eleven years old from my second marriage. He drank some and I do tend to agree he was an abuser of alcohol once in a while but not often.
I quit drinking four years after I moved back over there and also got help for my depression. By this time I was going to be 49 years old when I had been sober for one year. I went back to college to finish my BA Degree in Psychology and found a good job after I finished college. :atv
My X-husband and I did things together on the weekends...he never drank when I was around. Then my daughter and I moved in with him. She was the one that wanted to....I was still afraid of messing up again. He told me that he quit drinking for himself so he could have a life with me again.
After we both were retired from our respective jobs he asked me to get married again....I agreed and that was almost seven years ago.
We have a very good life together and there are no more four days to wait to drink alcohol. We have two sons that have alcohol related problems and a son and two daughters that don't.
It is hard to know what to do in your case. I found out that I could only quit for myself to help myself be an okay Mom, & eventually a wife again...before I always thought of everyone else first and didn't see to my needs. The same for my husband...he did enjoy drinking and didn't have any real problems with it but knew it wasn't good for his health.
I wish you the best of luck...I know I couldn't have done this by myself...I did need AA Meetings, the Program, and sober people to be around to help myself get better. Maybe it would help if you two go to AA Meetings either separate or together depending on how you both feel about it.
Keep coming back. There is a lot of experience, strength, & hope here to share with you.
kelsh
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
I am married to a man that rarely drinks (like once or twice a year) and I am an alcoholic. There is a 6 pack of beer in our fridge that has been there for months. It does not phase me because I am done. If I want to drink I can go buy whatever I want. I do not want to drin today. Though I would hate it if I had to live with an alcoholic now that I am sober.
I do have a couple friends that have the same sobriety date, 7 years sober. I think that is so cool!
I do have a couple friends that have the same sobriety date, 7 years sober. I think that is so cool!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Well I have no personal experience to share on this, my wife when I was drinking would occasionally have a drink or 2, heck she even tied one on a few times, about once every 2-3 years.
Since I quit drinking she has had one beer and that was not around me even though I have told her on more then one occasion that her drinking would not bother me, she tells me, "Maybe some day, but I could really care less if I have a drink or not." The one beer she did have I found her amusing...... They had a company picnic where she works, it was really hot so she had a beer...... she got home and said "Martin I had a beer at the picnic today!", I had to laugh, it seemed as though she was a little girl telling her daddy she did something wrong!
I know couples in AA that have gotten sober together, I also know folks in AA where one spouse has quit and the other has not.
My sponsor was sober for 19 years married to his alcoholic (I never saw her sober) wife, he finally divorced her, not because of her drinking, but because of who she had become due to her drinking.
Since I quit drinking she has had one beer and that was not around me even though I have told her on more then one occasion that her drinking would not bother me, she tells me, "Maybe some day, but I could really care less if I have a drink or not." The one beer she did have I found her amusing...... They had a company picnic where she works, it was really hot so she had a beer...... she got home and said "Martin I had a beer at the picnic today!", I had to laugh, it seemed as though she was a little girl telling her daddy she did something wrong!
I know couples in AA that have gotten sober together, I also know folks in AA where one spouse has quit and the other has not.
My sponsor was sober for 19 years married to his alcoholic (I never saw her sober) wife, he finally divorced her, not because of her drinking, but because of who she had become due to her drinking.
ever closer...
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 361
it is a difficult road! My husband drinks to much. i use to think he wasn't an alcoholic but as my sobriety days grow I can see his character flaws (along with my own) more clearly. you may find the freinds and family forum useful. i find the post there really help me see both sides of the story. wishing you the best.
one an awesomely positive note...my parents have been sober together for over 25 years!!
one an awesomely positive note...my parents have been sober together for over 25 years!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
....Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum!I have no experience to share on your situation
In my AA home group....we have 6 married couples.
They come to meetings...both as a couple and alone.
Good to know you are planning for sobriety
...Congratulations to both of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 5
Thanks everyone. It's nice to feel welcome.
Well, I'm finishing Day 2 and just fine (I know "for now"...the longest I've been sober in the past months is 15 days). Boyfriend slept through Day 1 and now on Day 2 just drank 8 pints of beer and has now gone out to find a bar. The worst part is how angry he is at me. Says it's not because I've decided to quit, but I think it is. He has admitted he has a problem and wants to quit but he's not ready because he has too much stress in his life.
I have finally realized that for us, there can never be enough drinks. And I find the craving for ever more far worse than the craving for the first.
Goodnight.
Well, I'm finishing Day 2 and just fine (I know "for now"...the longest I've been sober in the past months is 15 days). Boyfriend slept through Day 1 and now on Day 2 just drank 8 pints of beer and has now gone out to find a bar. The worst part is how angry he is at me. Says it's not because I've decided to quit, but I think it is. He has admitted he has a problem and wants to quit but he's not ready because he has too much stress in his life.
I have finally realized that for us, there can never be enough drinks. And I find the craving for ever more far worse than the craving for the first.
Goodnight.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Good luck to you Bella. Life will only get better once you are sober. You deserve it and so does your ah - I hope he finds his way as well... Good for you for taking this step and making the change to sobriety.
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