22NGONE

Hello,

I posted part of this elsewhere and then realized I got a little off track and thought I'd post the entire thing here. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated:

Since I've been in AA, when Recovering Alcoholics refer to their wives/girlfriends of the past, I've often heard the term "Taking her hostage." Meaning somehow that this innocent person was dragged into their addiction involuntarily and held there for a period of time. I find myself uncomfortable with this portrayal, maybe it hits too close to home? I really am stuck on this. I'm divorcing after 22 years, did I hold my wife hostage all those years? Was I all bad? These are troubling thoughts.

I've had some hard times battling depression lately and only now do I feel like I can start piecing this stuff together, or at least try. I went to A.A. when my wife told me if I didn't change and we didn't start working on our marriage that she would leave. I sought out A.A. at that time and have gone ever since.

After about a week sober my "hostage" told me it was over... I'm here three months later and still find myself praying every day to accept that it is over. I just can't believe it. My wife tells me I only remember the good when it comes to the past and I feel she only remembers the bad.

In the meantime, I have moved out... because my wife and I could not stop blaming and hurting each other and the lawyers didn't help. I also couldn't stand to see her every day, sober, loving her and knowing she didn't feel the same way any more.

I decided to move out to give my kids a break from the constant fighting. Now I'm on the outside looking in, just me, alone. I get all the bills delivered to me once a week and I pay them, that's the extent of my interaction with my family. My wife will not communicate with me at all. Is this the compassion of letting me deal with my addiction? I know it doesn't feel compassionate to me, it hurts me deeply. She is going to AL ANON and has my kids going to ALLATEEN. I have not seen my kids in two weeks and it breaks my heart.


I ask my kids out to eat or go shopping and they decline. I got angry the last time this happened and lashed out at my kids, I've regretted it daily since. Luckily, someone had PM'd me and given me some good advice, I just hadn't found it until I needed it, funny how that works.. So this time when I was rejected again, I just said O.K., that's fine.

I tell them that it is O.K., but for me it is not, it is killing me not seeing my family. Funny but just now I almost typed "it is killing me not having my family". Were my family hostages? Was I that bad? I know every body says give it time... I have 11 days to go until three months and I find my life, or what I thought was my life, slipping further away...

I had someone come into my life recently and I had to turn that someone away. I've at least realized that I'm too screwed up to form any new relationships and to be totally honest, IT SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME, to think I could repeat the mistakes I made in my marriage again with someone else, if I don't figure myself out and get right with myself first.

But I find myself thinking that it amazing that someone I have met twice has shown me more sympathy, caring and love than I have gotten in three months from my wife of 22 years and my children 17 and 14? I go to AA every day and I haven't drank, I have found friends there and understanding too, but I fell I need my family.

I have heard a million times no relationships in the first year of sobriety and I think that's correct. But then a little voice in my head keeps saying, well... what's the big book say about going through divorce in the first year of sobriety? Where's the luv there?

I know that resentment and self-pity have been the down fall of many a recovering alcoholic, I'm not trying to go there, I guess I need some advice or undersdtanding.

Any thoughts would be appreciated, don't worry about sugar coating anything, I can't be hurt any more than I already am!

Thanks for listening,

John

Freedom1990

Why is that amazing when you recognize the fact that she wasn't the one who lived with you and your alcoholism for 22 years?

I don't know about you, but I rationalized, justified, lied, manipulated, sat on the pity pot, lashed out at loved ones, and sucked all of my family members into the abyss of my disease.

It took years for my parents to start trusting me, and rightfully so.

Our loved ones don't have chemical relief to turn to while we're wreaking havoc in our active alcoholism.

They have to feel the pain, anger, resentment, fears, and sadness.

I've been on both sides of the fence, as an alcoholic/addict in recovery, and I was also married to one, and now sadly, I have two daughters who are alcoholic.

It took 22 years for your family to get to where they are now with their emotional states, and that isn't going to magically go away in 3 months.

It sounds like they are also trying to find recovery from the effects your alcoholism has had on them in Alanon and Alateen. That is a huge blessing as so many don't, and continue to carry baggage of the past with them, which will continue to affect their lives.

God does give us what we need; often he doesn't give us what we want.

I strongly suggest you immerse yourself that much harder into your own program of recovery, and as you work through those steps, perhaps you will come to understand why your family is so emotionally wounded right now.

Forgiveness from others isn't nearly as important as getting to the point where we are able to forgive ourselves.

The 'feel goods' you get from the other lady are temporary and fleeting at best.

Do the work to forgive yourself rather than looking to others to assuage your guilt.

sugErspun

John,

I think the guilt that comes with the realization of seeing the life we lived "clearly" is very common among us. I would love to tell you that it will magically disappear - and in a way it will - but there is work to be done.

I am not going to point you to the promises of AA or anything like that - but I do have a suggestion.

Get a sponsor, get the book - and start working that program as outlined in the book. This will not only take your mind off of some of these things - but also, along the way- you deepen your connection to 'truth' and take some actions, get some results - Faith will become fact and everyone will heal.

It happened in my life - and continues to happen. Guilt is natural - just observe your mind experiencing guilt and it will temporarily pass so you can do the work necessary to recover.

I don't know about the 'hostage' thing - but the illness that is alcoholism affects those around us like no other (this is in the book). Recovery from it affects those around us quite the same way, relationships healed - life renewed.

Thank you for you honesty on this thread.

~a

(btw - I don't know anywhere in the book that it says no relationships or major life decisions in the first year. Getting recovered may be the biggest decision you ever choose to go after - and that pretty much has to happen in the first year, logically speaking).

Tazman53

Freedom said it well, I would highly reccommend reading Chapter 6 in the BB, here is one quote to keep in mind:

We spent a lot of years crushing the lifes of others, we can not expect that with a few months of sobriety that all will be well.

We need to be also prepared that what we hope for will not come to pass. If a divorce in the making it is going to happen.

Action speaks far louder then words, we need to be very aware that all hope is lost if we decide to drink over it! Our sobriety can not be conditional upon anything out of our control, this includes wifes and children. If we start to drink again the only assurance we will have is that we will lose everything we are drinking over.

I assume you have a sponsor and are working the steps, the steps will help a lot, talking with your sponsor will as well. My first sponsor was sober for 2 years and his wife of 20 years told him she didn't like him sober and they got divorced, he did not drink over it.

tkdan

John, I am truly sorry to hear about situation. As hard as it may be to see any positive in all this there is one. You did not drink over it! I'm not going to sit here and say I can relate or understand what you are going through because I don't know. I do however hurt for you because I can imagine the heartache you must feel. I know it sucks to hear this but give it time. All you can do is let time pass, let broken lives heal, and keep working the program. Keep letting out your feelings it helps.

warrens

22

I've followed your progress for some time. You certainly have a difficult situation and I identify with much of it. I admire that you have not let a very real trauma serve as an excuse to relapse. It is amazing that some can succeed with so much on their emotional plate.

It would be silly of me to attempt to analyze your situation. One family of millions in America that is in crisis.

You are doing what you CAN do. You are controlling what you CAN control. That is good!

Family dynamics are so complex. I've studied them. A family is an organism in many ways. It develops energy systems based upon what is available. These systems interact and continually seek balance. Even in the most dysfunctional families, there is a type of ballet going on. Sometimes the balance is pathological, but it is balance nonetheless.

We addicts tend to focus on ourselves as the cause of dysfunction. There is certainly some truth to that. But many of ous become a victim of it, too. We become "the weak one." A convenient blamesink for all that is wrong in member's lives. A sacrificial lamb, if you will.

When we become sober that balance is upset. All of a sudden the dynamic balance that took years to achieve is chaos. In attempt to retain the balance we (the addict) can be even blamed for this.

I am simplifying and generalizing stuff that fills libraries, mind you. The only point that I'm trying to make is that attempting to comprehend and "fix" this stuff is like you or I trying to rebuild a Formula One racing engine.

What can we do? Only what we can do. Continue to strive for wholeness. Give the new dynamics time to settle. It takes a river time to run clear after a storm. Focus on the present and the future, nothing can be done about the past. Blaming anything or anyone produces nothing.

Beware embarking on new relationships. Seriously. Know that you are far from being whole. I nearly embarked upon a relationship soon after my first recovery and my divorce that, in retrospect, would have been disastrous. I constructed a fantasy reality around a certain woman that was, in retrospect, the construct of a sick and needy man. I see that now, but I did not then.

That is not to say that we don't need and deserve companionship and caring. Just go with care. And know that you are far from being able to percieve anything ratinally. I fell in love two years after. We are together in a wonderful relationsip. But when I look back upon it, it was premature and in some ways immature. We are lucky.

Go with care. Your primary goal should be finding inner serenity and peace. It takes time to heal. Every confused thought and feeling you have is natural. Be aware of that. Work on becoming lovable before seeking love.

warren

22NGONE

Hi everyone,

I am truly amazed at the perspective all of your responses give me. I am REALLY grateful to you all.

I recognize that I view the world in my own selfish context even today as I struggle to not do just that.

Thank you all very much for being there and my dose of reality.

John

bigredme

These are all amazing responses. The only thing I would like to add is that your family doesn't really know you. While you were drinking you were smothering and covering up who you actually are on the inside. Give yourself time to love yourself and love those around you with the same forgiving eyes. And don't stop trying with the kids. You love them and they should be reminded of how much constantly and consistently. Even if that entails giving them a little space and time to process these wonderful changes in you.

Freedom1990

We have all struggled with that early in recovery! It takes time and a lot of practice to get out of our egotism and begin to see the world in a more unselfish way, striving to see what we can give to others, rather than what we can take for our own selfish needs.

We didn't get sick overnight, and we don't get better overnight.

I will keep you in my prayers!

Cathy31

Great responses John, just keep working the program (that sponsor, steps, service, meetings, higher power) and things WILL come to you when you are ready for them...do your part now! Well done
Cathy31
x

Tazman53

22ngone you know for some reason I am moved to post this, but there was a point in my recovery working and living the steps, where things went from "I" & "Me" to "Us" & "We", this was a huge turning point for me, things started to really fall into place for me.

1963comet

Bigredme was right in your family not knowing the real you. It took a year before some people I know to except the fact that I was going to stay sober.

I felt so sad reading your story. I can relate because I lost everything in my life. But the good news is that everything I lost has been givin back. It did not happen over night but the blessings still continue.

least

I can empathize with you, not because I"m in the same situation but because I too am having feelings of "I'm sober now, when is my life going to get better??" I have a problem with patience: I don't have much. Maybe it's cause I'm in my 50s and know that I'm nearing the end of my life and want some "better life" before it's over. I can agree with everything that's been said here. Keep working the steps and work on forgiving yourself. That's the only real thing you can do: make yourself and your life better for YOU. Anyone entering, or re-entering your life will notice the change. Hang in there.:ghug3

warrens

John

I just reread the title of your post.

It occurs to me that if we can forgive ourselves that we will concentrate not on "fixing me," but "being me," and "becoming me." Just a thought.

warren

Shivaya

Hi John,

Hope you don't mind some input from a wife of an alcoholic (married 14 yrs., together 19 years)....

I do not feel that my husband has "held me hostage" all these years (15+ years being aware that he is an alcoholic). I have chosen to stay (enable).

The spouse of an alcoholic plays a role in the marriage just as the alcoholic does. We have our own set of behaviors (enabler, co-dependant, controlling, etc.).

Unfortunately, some of us seem to wait until it gets to the point where we've lost everything that was good about the relationship. And with so much resentment and anger, some of us just give up.

I think you are so smart to get this.....

My alcoholic husband and I have both made this comment about one another. It's very easy to give compassion and understanding to a person (even a stranger) who you don't have decades of history with, and who probably has never hurt you deeply!

I wish you the best in your continued recovery......

Shivaya

22NGONE

And through the miracle of SR my oldest daughter just called to say she was coming to visit me today! Coincidence? I think not. Thanks all, with your collective support and wisdom I will be positive and calm on this the first day of our new relationship.

22NGONE

Thanks Shivaya!

warrens

Fantastic, John!

Good things will happen. Be patient, be sober, be serene. And let the magic happen.

warren

Jfanagle

John,

I can empathize with your situation. I went through a very similar change after about 75 days sober. I moved out and left 4 children ages, 22 thru 12. The pain of the kid’s alienation was very hard, but like you I didn't drink. That was several years ago.

A very wise and dear friend in AA, although at the time I had just met him told me that I “should not pray to have my family restored to me, but pray to be restored to my family." I pondered that for some time and then realized, much as you apparently are experiencing today, that the kids would return to me when they were comfortable with my sobriety.

Fast forward about 2 years after I got and stayed sober and both my daughters ages 17 and 13 decided they would come live with me full time. I have raised them both and they are now on their own, both adults and I couldn't be closer. In fact they seem completely at ease when borrowing money from me!!

I have a wonderful relationship based on my sober life, and they even ask for my "good" advice every now and then. They do trust the fact that they can call night or day and find me in my "right" mind. This took some years for the trust to be restored.

I wasn't a drunk over night, and I damn sure didn't return to sanity any faster. I know that "I was restored to my family" when the time was right. The one thing that I always had control over was I DID NOT DRINK, NO MATTER WHAT. AA gave me a place to cry when I needed to, and it sounds as though you are doing the same. IT WILL WORK OUT IF YOU DON'T DRINK, RELY ON A POWER GREATER THAN YOU when you get morose or down to the point that the old saying "WHAT'S THE USE" pops up. The USE is that we live one day at a time, and things happen in God's time. Just the way they are supposed to.

Best of luck,

Jon

angelfromheaven

Dear John,
I have replied on my thread to your hostage question.... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...uccessful.html

I am so happy to hear that your daughter has contacted you! I really hope that all will work out well for you with time.

Work hard on your recovery and just give it time
All the best