Fixing Me
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya 22ngone--
It took several years of sobriety on my father's part and me discovering Alanon before I was able to look at my recovered Alcoholic Dad (and my codie Mom) less judgementally.
The man drank for the first 15 years of my life. He drank for the first 21 years of my oldest brothers life. That's a lotta years!!! It creates a very warped family dynamic. Very warped. Hard to undo, it takes a lot of effort to change ourselves - as you know.
It doesn't take just the alcoholic's sobriety and three months time passing. My father really humbled himself (I say humbled - with great specificity in the meaning of that word - not debased) to our REALITY and after a few years he wrote us 5 kids each individually beautiful letters, trying to acknowledge the pain he had caused us and sincerely apologizing.
These letters were very valuable to me in my growth as a daughter and a human being. Why? Because they came a couple years into his sobriety/recovery. He WAS changing before our eyes. He WAS NOT pushing anything on any of us - his quiet persevering recovery made us SLOWLY be able to trust him again and to see him living in and dealing with REALITY. He was no longer dominating our lives with his addiction.
For years everything he was doing was usually some form of manipulation so that HE could continue drinking. Naturally it had to be REAL when he asked for forgiveness, actual things/behaviors/attitudes had to REALLY change before feelings could change.
Family of a's are justifiably wary of overtures from the alcoholic - we learn our lessons the hard way too - just like you guys!!! Kids hit bottoms too! And we have to admit we are powerless over this disease that is walking around with your clothes on- with your voice and your authority over us, and with our hearts in its hands. WARPED!!!!!!
All this to say CONGRATS on your 3 months!! That is super. You are lucky your children are going to AlAteen. That means there is hope for the "recovery" of a meaningful father/child relationship. Encourage them in their recovery - it will hopefully spare them a lot of heartache as they grow and face the world with all they learned at home both good and bad.
Lotta people say "oh life is too short," and that motivates them. I am from the "life is long" school. What are you gonna do that is longer? Until the lights go out life is full every minute every day of possibilities and different chapters. Slowly, slowly, if we are HONESTLY working to change those selfish bits about ourselves - we will expereince deeper connections with those we love. But it's gotta be real, and that means it can't be rushed.
Don't push it. Live it.
Peace,
B.
It took several years of sobriety on my father's part and me discovering Alanon before I was able to look at my recovered Alcoholic Dad (and my codie Mom) less judgementally.
The man drank for the first 15 years of my life. He drank for the first 21 years of my oldest brothers life. That's a lotta years!!! It creates a very warped family dynamic. Very warped. Hard to undo, it takes a lot of effort to change ourselves - as you know.
It doesn't take just the alcoholic's sobriety and three months time passing. My father really humbled himself (I say humbled - with great specificity in the meaning of that word - not debased) to our REALITY and after a few years he wrote us 5 kids each individually beautiful letters, trying to acknowledge the pain he had caused us and sincerely apologizing.
These letters were very valuable to me in my growth as a daughter and a human being. Why? Because they came a couple years into his sobriety/recovery. He WAS changing before our eyes. He WAS NOT pushing anything on any of us - his quiet persevering recovery made us SLOWLY be able to trust him again and to see him living in and dealing with REALITY. He was no longer dominating our lives with his addiction.
For years everything he was doing was usually some form of manipulation so that HE could continue drinking. Naturally it had to be REAL when he asked for forgiveness, actual things/behaviors/attitudes had to REALLY change before feelings could change.
Family of a's are justifiably wary of overtures from the alcoholic - we learn our lessons the hard way too - just like you guys!!! Kids hit bottoms too! And we have to admit we are powerless over this disease that is walking around with your clothes on- with your voice and your authority over us, and with our hearts in its hands. WARPED!!!!!!
All this to say CONGRATS on your 3 months!! That is super. You are lucky your children are going to AlAteen. That means there is hope for the "recovery" of a meaningful father/child relationship. Encourage them in their recovery - it will hopefully spare them a lot of heartache as they grow and face the world with all they learned at home both good and bad.
Lotta people say "oh life is too short," and that motivates them. I am from the "life is long" school. What are you gonna do that is longer? Until the lights go out life is full every minute every day of possibilities and different chapters. Slowly, slowly, if we are HONESTLY working to change those selfish bits about ourselves - we will expereince deeper connections with those we love. But it's gotta be real, and that means it can't be rushed.
Don't push it. Live it.
Peace,
B.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
