angelfromheaven

Hi,

Quickly introducing myself to the community.
I am here thanks to my boyfriend.
I have 2 kids and live in South Africa.

I met my boyfriend about 1.5 years ago, sort of love at first sight. From day one we almost spent every day together and after 6 months we moved in together.

In the beginning I did not see that he is an alcoholic, then I did not want to see it, finding the usual excuses but then it dawned on me.

Now I am a quite practical, feet on the ground woman, have never dealt with addiction (except smoking which I kicked last July after years) or any other really bad experience throughout my life which affecting me major or directly. I had learnt a lot when I divorced 2 years ago, mainly about having a choice how my life is and if I allow somebody to treat me wrongly than it is my choice to change this. As I want a happy life for myself and my kids, I did choose just that. My philosophy in life is, that whatever I did in the past – no regrets, cause it brought me a step further, I learnt from it and all in all my life has been very happy.

So now with all this practicality I do get my boyfriend into admitting that he is an alcoholic, I eventually got him to take Antabuse for a couple of months last year and he did not drink for several weeks or even months. His family is being forever grateful as he had been drinking for years and never done any attempt of recovery. I still think that through our love I can get him right. I did most of the things right, like not freaking when he was drunk, rather waiting until the next morning and made him understand that I can’t accept his behavior, that I will not let my kids have a drunk in their life and so on. It helped a bit for sure and I was so proud of him during the time he was not drinking. He is the most amazing man and our love is so deep and just grows and grows, I may add. During all the time he has always been a good person, never shouted or been aggressive or anything, just not functioning in his life, working but not fully and not being successful etc. having debt over his ears and not earning enough salary to pay back and live, so I did help him financially a bit to finish his months (yes I know by now, that this is enabling)

During Christmas time he started drinking again, a glass and then a bit more and more, but he had all under control, or so I was told…
I eventually got him to attend AA meetings a bit but still it got worse until around 6 weeks ago where he just was drunk 1 day after another (before it was only +- 2 times a week). I decided that’s it and told him that we end our relationship and he will move out by the end of the month, it made it worse of course and I suffered too, however I called his sister and said “Please pick up your brother” Of course it is stupid as it is not her duty to do so, but I had hit rockbottom. Anyhow it set off that he went into a serious rehab where he is since 5 weeks and doing exceptionally well. He is committed, loves his clean life and only wants this and be sober.

During this time I learnt that he was also using cocaine more than he told me but all this is past and he wants a REAL life. I have been pretty in a mess since he is in rehab as I was missing him quite a lot, realized how bad things really were and now more and more I am afraid about how things will be when he is out next week, hoping that eh will succeed but not knowing. He will still be in aftercare for 2 weeks and then has to go to 90 AA/NA meetings in 90 days but how will he deal with all, will he continue to get support and stick to the program thereafter? Only time can tell and he is the one who calls the shots, it is about his recovery.

I have been told by the recovery centre to go to Family and Alanon meetings, I did go. The Alanon meeting was a typical coffee chat old-woman’s group which I could not identify with but I will go to another group next week and the recovery centre family group was only full of parents of addicted 20 years old who have been in rehabs endlessly with criminal charges and other horrendous stories which upset me most (I need hope, support and knowledge not bad stories). And then I am here and looking also for other info and support through the internet. All I want is to know as much as I can about addiction, get tools about what I can do to support him and what I should not do (codependency, enabling etc.).

I am a bit upset because I feel that with everybody telling me to get support, it does not help me so far but rather it draws me much more into “His addiction is been made my problem”. I never had that before and I don’t want it. In my opinion and as much as I love him very deeply, I will not allow to be harmed, nor my kids. If he chooses not to work on his recovery or stop it in future it is his choice but it would happen without me and I would walk away. It would break my heart but I would get over it. But I hope that he will get things right and I can help him in the good ways so we can grow old together.

Hmh, I realize I just wanted to shortly introduce myself (sorry it was a bit longer), share a bit of my life, my thoughts and ask for support, perhaps also ask for a reflection as I am always hearing that codependency is a danger and as much as I did a few things wrong in the past, I do not think I am a co-dependant type and then I am looking rather for hope, of course I want rather hear that all will be fine but I want honesty above all and sharing, supporting….
Perhaps this helps also some in a way or another, whatever it is, thanks for sharing your thoughts and I wish you well wherever you are.

peaceteach

Welcome, Angel. It is good that you are opening yourself up to learning more about the disease. It is also good that you are trying to keep the focus on you and your kids! Try reading some of the threads at the top of the family and friends alcohol and drug addiction pages called "stickies". They are quite eye-opening. I understand your feelings of not wanting his problem to become your focus, but a little education never hurts one, right? One book I really found inspiring was "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Before I read that, I had no idea how MY life was so affected by another's alcoholism. I still didn't like the fact that my life WAS affected, but that's the way it goes when you love an addict. Wishing you well!

angelfromheaven

Thanks peaceteach, I have been reading a lot and took a lot of advice and comfort trough reading various threads and stories, discovering wonderfulness behind the stories and the people here.

I am really amazed about the people I have "met" in such a short time.

Thanks for being there, for caring and sharing to all of you

I am looking forward to getting some more input from others. It does help so much.

Another quick question, I am trying to establish how this Chat functions and tried earlier but there seem to be no regular Alanon support group, or am I not getting it?

Laan

Hi angelfromheaven,

I see your post was a week ago....what has happened in the meantime?

You are right when you say he calls the shots. That is the only way they can come right....
Hope all is well with you!!!!!

Kindeyes

Angel
I missed your post the first time so I'm glad that Laan bumped it.

Welcome to SR. I hope that his recovery is successful as well. But the important word in that sentence is HIS. It is HIS recovery. Stay grounded and focused on yourself and your children as you have been and let him work his program.

keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing!

gentle hugs

angelfromheaven

Thanks Laan and Kindeyes, I appreciate your feedback.

I did write back to Laan earlier but somehow it did not register....
I just came back from the final meeting with his counceler and him. He will get out tomorrow morning...the big day and I know that the hard part only starts now, he was protected during the past 6 weeks. He looks great and is doing very well, is very committed and he has been wonderful over the past weeks.

I have hope as he has learnt how to use the tools. If he will use them, I will know only with time and as correctly mentioned, it is HIS recovery not mine. I can support him, love him but he has to get it right. And only if he gets it right our life together will function

I believe hope is needed to make it work, only negativity will not help. Should he fail, I will deal with it then but I like to approach things positively.
So I'll keep you updated and just hope ...and live a wonderful life

angelfromheaven

PS. Forgot to read correctly, it's all about me here...so just to let you know I broke my toe on friday, walking a bit slowly and it &%% hurts but I am fine :-)

Laan

I hope it all goes reeaaallly well for you (broken toe as well) it really hurts hey, and your also off balance!

Pls let us know how it's going - I'll find myself wondering at strange times how you guys are doing....you know when you kinda take a mini break at work - stare out the window...then I wonder about the post & ppl behind them. (btw - john the sailor probably thinks I'm a stalker or something, 'cause I was thinking about him the other day after his post & sent him a pm just to ask if all was fine - was just concerned....he didn't respond...lol)

Keep posting pls, otherwise I'll have to start stalking you too (just kiddin')

All the best!!!!!!

angelfromheaven

We all do wonder about others, this probably keeps us sane ;-) and forget a bit our own problems.

I must say when sometimes I read other peoples stories I become humble as I have a good life and I read how difficult it is for some, like you, you had no choice as you were born into this (and only now you can choose). I have a choice as I can walk away if things are not working out.

Anyway, I am doing very well and my BF too, we are very happy to be together. He is enjoying life with a clear mind and is still in aftercare (day only) for the next 2 weeks.
We go diving to Durban on the long weekend of 1/2 May. He has checked out all AA and NA meetings there so he does not need to interrupt. He goes to AA/NA meetings every night and I am going next week to a new Alanon meeting. Also working on doing the Steps at home/online - BTW has anybody tips on how to do this best?

I am working a lot, enjoying my kids and look forward to a great rest of my life.
Voila, have a great weekend all

Laan

I am so happy to hear that it is going better for you!!!!!

I hope it keeps getting better as the days go by. Good luck & enjoy the long weekend over May

22NGONE

Hello,

Since I've been in AA, when Recovering Alcoholics refer to their wives/girlfriends of the past, I've often heard the term "Taking her hostage." Meaning somehow that this innocent person was dragged into their addiction involuntarily and held there for a period of time. I find myself uncomfortable with this portrayal, maybe it hits too close to home? I really am stuck on this. I'm divorcing after 22 years, did I hold my wife hostage all those years? Was I all bad? These are troubling thoughts.

Anyways I guess the point of me sharing this with you is that I think you should think long and hard before investing your life in this disease. I'm not saying don't give him a chance now that he's sober, I didn't get mine, but if it doesn't work out, please remember me.


Thanks for listening,

John

angelfromheaven

Hi John,

I agree that even a recovering Alcoholic is still a very self-centered and probably not easy person to live with. But then who is easy to live with, unless one chooses an empty (not challenging) person....at least once you are not 20 anymore, all partners come with "Bagage".

I am staying in this relationship if it leads to us both being better together than alone. This is a definition for me of a succesful relationship (no matter if with an A or not), if this can't be achieved I will walk out

I disagree to your above. Only if somebody ALLOWS to be dragged in, taken hostage etc. this can happen. We all have choices in life....an alcoholic to drink or not, a partner of an alcoholic, to stay or leave....and also in other situations it applies, we are adults and can choose...

I stayed in my marriage for around 8 years too long (total of 13 years) and there was no alcoholism (just social drinking) but other emotional issues...I allowed him to abuse me emotionally....so I can't say it was his fault....I allowed it to happen

What I am saying here, and i read your other threads, it is not your mistake only and you can't do anything to change her mind. BUT, you have a choice now of staying sober and make things right, especially for your daughters. They may be distant now but if you continue your recovery so succesful, they will come back!
You can't change the past, your wife may have stopped loving you and decided to quit-you can't change her... but YOU can change YOUR future

Just concentrate on your recovery and everything else will fall into place

My ABF is doing so well and he enjoys life so much, and the fact to live REAL life, I am sure this will happen to you too, it will take time but it's worth it.
Things happen for a reason.

PS Congratulations on your recovery - You can be very proud!!! Just keep it up