Miss Pink

How easy is it to not drink, yet not be spiritually well?

My ex husband is a dry drunk. Says he white knuckled it, went to few meetings, used and tossed out sponsors, no steps or anything....and of course, his behavior was as bad, if not worse than when drinking. And his misery level worsened.

Just wondering what it's like...cant figure out why its so difficult to put down the drink for some, yet others can do it....and have no interest in working on the real problem....the self, and as a result, continue to experience the same misery as when drinking. Why even bother to stop drinking!?

Appreciate any insight and experiences on this subject. Thanks.

laurie6781

That's like asking why someone's favorite color is blue and another person it's green.

There are no answers really.

Just remember that alcoholism is the disease of denial and thus if one 'white knuckles' it, then they can still convince themselves they are not and alcoholic. as in

"See I can quit." therefore "I can have a drink if and when I want." Therefore for now I won't drink just to prove to you that I'm NOT an alcoholic.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the alcoholic, heck I am one and I haven't figured out the alcoholic and I've been sober for years.

It's still his choice, to white knuckle, to be miserable, to NOT be in recovery. You don't have to be there with him.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

tellus

Hm. I'm not sure I agree with that. I know damn well I'm an alcoholic, but I haven't been able to get past the "dry" stage.

nandm

I am sorry you are struggling. I can not imagine living with a dry drunk as it was hard enough to live with myself as a drunk.

The only thing that I know from my experience is that being a dry drunk is miserable. I hated being in my own skin. I spent a year not drinking without using a program of recovery. It was one of the most miserable years of my life. I think that it is a matter of how miserable is one willing to get before they are willing to go to whatever lengths it takes to get better and not be miserable. I was sick of being sick and tired.

NoMoBeer

Wow, great question Miss Pink, and some great observations...

My friend Johnnie says a dry drunk is just another sh*tty day...

For me, the 'dry drunk' is when I behave the same selfish way I did when I was drinking. It's self will run riot. I want it all, and I want it now -- what I want, when I want it... Control. But there is a snag -- the one thing "I" couldn't control was my drinking. It most definitely toward the end controlled me...

So I had to find a way to live without that mental obsession of control, as well as the mental obsession of "I WON'T DRINK." For me, that inevitably turned into "Man, I can't drink." Then to "why the heck can't I drink?" Then finally, "ah, what the he**, I can drink." It's a truly cunning and baffling process.

Finally, I hit a point where being sober was more important than figuring out why I could not drink (my bottom). I decided just to stop thinking and get busy doing what I needed to do in order to stay sober today. For me, it's the basics of AA...

Now -- your question as to 'why can some get it and others can't?' (paraphrasing)... my first sponsor used to say 'that's why we have statisitics...' The process of working a recovery program must be an inside job. The alcoholic must WANT to be sober more than anything else, and must be willing to 'go to any lengths' to stay sober. Some people never get there, and even though they may have gone to some meetings, even gotten a sponsor, maybe read the Big Book -- they don't get the most important (my opinion) part of the program:

(a) that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives
(b) that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism
(c) that God could and would if He were sought.

That's the whole program for me boiled down. I must WANT to work those 12 steps as if my life depended on it (it does) and have the Spiritual Awakening Step 12 talks about. Some folks never get to the point that this is a necessity... Again, this is my experience and my opinion only.

That being said, I go into the dry drunk thing when I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing -- and stepping aside to let God do what He needs to do... the important thing for me is that I don't dwell there...

Ken

CarolD

Well...
I'd rather be a dry drunk...
than an active alcoholic dying from unchecked alcoholism.


My question to you MP...
how much longer are you going to continue
carrying this drunk ex husband's actions around?

Yes...I am very aware of your situation
from reading your shares.

My point is regardless of what happened
you are allowing yourself to dwell on
a toxic destructive time in your life.

Prayer helps me immensley to find
peace and healing.
I wish the same for you

serenityqueen

What else can I add?

NoMoBeer said it very well!

Good Job!

chip

Hi Miss Pink,
I'm not sure if I agree with the whole "dry drunk" thing. Like Carol, I'd rather be a "dry drunk" than a practicing alcoholic. From a medical point of view, any alcoholic is better off not drinking...regardless of working a "program" or not.

I think all sober alcoholics are in "recovery", regardless of having a "program" or not.

Being a jerk may or may not be related to one's alcoholism. How can I know? Some people are emotionaly unwell regardless of addiction history or not. Can I really judge someone's spiritual health? Even if I could, could I really say it's because they arn't drinking and not working a program?

To me, "dry drunk" seems like a derogatory slang term when it's used to describe another person. I may think of myself as being a "dry drunk" if I feel that I'm not working at my program...but even then it seems like an over simplfication of complex emotional problems.

I tip my hat to any alcoholic who can stay sober, any way that they can do so. I wouldn't feel right using a label that dishes out judgement upon them for their methods....they must be doing something right if they are sober.
chip

NoMoBeer

Just a little addition to my previous posts, and a follow up to others... I hope I did not give the impression that it is my intent to judge others as a 'dry drunk' or not -- not my job to judge or label. I only go on my experience.

Carol and Chip -- SO right on, that I'd rather be a dry drunk than a wet one!!! Some days a dry drunk is the best it gets!! I must accept that, and try to do the next right thing and hope it improves.

My friend Jim talks about two escalators -- one going up, one going down. At any point in time in my recovery, I am riding one or the other. For me, I'd rather be going on the up escalator, but some days I end up on the down one... One more thing, there is no power in the escalators, so I have to take the Steps if I want to go up! (OK, I'll be the second one to notice that was pretty corny!)....

Ken

findingout

I think I would be a "dry drunk" if I was staying sober for somebody else besides me.

There were a few short periods of time during my drinking years where I stopped to make somebody else happy or just get off my back. I wasn't happy, I was resentful. I was either thinking "OK, am I sober enough for you now?" or consciously/unconsciously behaving badly in hopes that I would hear the magic words "You know, I liked you better when you were drinking."

I don't like to apply the label "dry drunk" to others because I don't know. There are people in the world, alcoholics and non-alcoholics, who are just not nice people. There are also people who are "joy challenged" for reasons that have nothing to do with alcohol.

Thanks Ken. That one is great. It may not be apparent the first day I'm on the down escalator, but if I don't pay attention to the direction I'm heading, I'll be drunk when I get to the bottom.

Miss Pink

Probable forever. Those are the scars of alcoholism on the family. Perhaps you'd know that if you were aware of how it devestates us.

Signal30

If you are a dry drunk and claim you are in AA, it usually means there are things you are not doing. Some only surrender to alcohol and that is only doing half of it. You also have to surrender your self-will.

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." (First Edition from How It Works)

My will keeps my problems stationary. Gods Will shows solutions.


Tom

bugsworth

The term originally referred to a rather rare condition that some people have during the first months of recovery from alcohol abuse -- they stumble around in an uncoordinated manner as if they are drunk, even though they are 100% sober.

Unfortunately aa has turned it into a slur, which is supposed to mean that someone is thinking and acting like a drunk man/woman, displaying all of the objectionable characteristics of an obnoxious drunk, even though he is sober.

I agree with Chip sometimes a jerk is just a jerk...sober or drunk.

Tazman53

Well for me it was miserable, tossing the health issues aside, before I reached the point where I had no choice but to drink every day I found me to be a very angry and bitter person when I did not drink, I hated the way I felt and I hated everything & everyone around me, those who were around me dis-liked me far more when I was not drinking then when I was drinking.

Putting health issues aside, I was more content when I was drinking then when I wasn't, when I was drinking I was not angry and the only person I hated all the time was me!! I really just did not give a crap about others when I was drinking, if you left me alone I left you alone. When I was not drinking before I worked the steps on more then one occasion I actually had my wife and kids suggest that I needed a drink!!!!

Before I got into AA and started working the steps, if I was not drinking I was a dru drunk!! As others have said though, the only person I will ever judge to be a dry drunk is myself. There are folks who have a program and work it that are just naturally not nice, they are sober and are probably better people then they were when they had not worked a program.

Some people quit drinking and become dry drunks, there are others who sober up and are great folks with no real need for a program, then there are folks like me, I was a dry drunk when not drinking, it took a program for me to be emotionaly sober as well as physically sober.

I am the judge of no one except myself, I would be a liar to say I never form an opinion of someone to myself, but I try very hard not to share my negative opinion about someone else with others, I still do it, I do it here, I continue to work on that.

No bugs some people in AA have turned it into a slur, not AA. Just like some priest are pedophiles, that does not mean the Catholic church promotes or condones pedophelia, they don't. BTW I just searched the entire BB and was not able to find a single mention of the term "dry drunk." No one should label an entire group anything because of the actions/comments of some people in a group, last time I checked that was refered to as stereotyping or bigotry.

I have no doubt that the term can be found in the writings of someone in AA, but just because someone in AA says or feels a certain way does not mean that what they say or feel is AA, it means that it is thier opinion.

reed

People just stop drinking to deal with the physical ailments of the disease. Like being physically dependent on alcohol, hangovers etc. People stop drinking so the body does not physically break down and the person does not die from the disease. Thats why it's a good idea to stop drinking. Being "spiritually" fit, that is a personal decision.

problemchild

My point of view is that it is like the person may be greiving, like the loss of a loved one or such, for me , alcohol (as i saw it was my best friend) was there all the time and gave me comfort ??????? as i saw it from all the bad things in my life. I maybe in left field on this one , but i just think it takes longer for some to get over the loss of the beloved drink, sure the harder you work at it as with anything the better and sooner it will get better..
Make sense ???? Anyway .. Does to me

Take care,
John

Texasblind

I might not be 100% invested in the 12 steps yet, but I know the only way to real sobriety is interacting with others. We need a support structure. Without one, I would just sit at home and drink all day.

gravity

I don't like the term "dry drunk". Personally, when I am being an a-hole, I'm just being an a-hole. I also have other things that I have to work on, self improvement - I'll definitely admit that. Hey...I'm human! Everything I do is not related to my alcoholism - that gives alcohol way too much power. I can stay abstinent, become spiritually fit, focus on doing the right things but I'm going to have my off days.

That being said, by accepting that I'm an alcoholic , not whining about it constantly, and working a great recovery program (AA) I have way less mood swings and rarely feel sorry for myself. I feel good, excited about life again. Do others perceive me as a nicer guy? A dry drunk? An a-hole? I really don't give it much thought anymore. All I can do is try to be a good husband, father, person and keep working on my recovery.

Best wishes!

Mercedes1

I have a different take on the ".. this the disease of denial"....comment.

To me the denial is not to drink but to CHANGE. I think the dry drunk in this case gets it not to drink. To me, my biggest battle was not that I shouldn't drink but that I need to change my behavior and relationship to God to not drink. THAT was my stumbling block.

If your husband can come to terms with that..he will find an amazing reality,...the drink will take care of itself. AND, he will find life.

Barto

Speaking from my own experience, it really sucks. That I couldn’t stand myself dry, is the reason I drank. When that stopped working, I was really shucked.