What Keeps It Going?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
What Keeps It Going?
Ok, Ive been on the forums awhile now and have been pretty strong I think dealing with my as/as.
I basically had to turn away and let it go, just so I could survive.
Occasionally it haunts me and I know it does only when I have had contact with them. I guess I start to analyse again and I know I shouldnt do it, but, I would like some honest comments.
After years of drinking or drugs, and everything you have lost and gone through, what keeps it going? I know its an addiction, but doesnt there come a light bulb moment that says, enough! Especially when my as or as asks me to help them get out of this and it just doesnt happen. What I mean is, I am begged to help them get out of this hell and I tell them - you know the obvious answer. You have to want it and do this yourself, knowing that they cant. Its like it has got that bad, the climb up is too much. You know what I mean. Its easier to drink than face the scary world, but she knows she will die. They dont want to die from this hell, but they are too scared to make the climb. I know its about finding that rock bottom, but s..t am I stepping the boundaries to try and admit her myself. I am willing to pay for it if it means it may help.
When you see your sister black and bruised from head to toe because she has fallen and been unconscious for days because she was smashed heck, it hurts. I started wondering if someone had done this too her but she said her body bruised easy now. Heck, somedays I seem to be rambling on only because I care. What happened for you. I need some hope.
I basically had to turn away and let it go, just so I could survive.
Occasionally it haunts me and I know it does only when I have had contact with them. I guess I start to analyse again and I know I shouldnt do it, but, I would like some honest comments.
After years of drinking or drugs, and everything you have lost and gone through, what keeps it going? I know its an addiction, but doesnt there come a light bulb moment that says, enough! Especially when my as or as asks me to help them get out of this and it just doesnt happen. What I mean is, I am begged to help them get out of this hell and I tell them - you know the obvious answer. You have to want it and do this yourself, knowing that they cant. Its like it has got that bad, the climb up is too much. You know what I mean. Its easier to drink than face the scary world, but she knows she will die. They dont want to die from this hell, but they are too scared to make the climb. I know its about finding that rock bottom, but s..t am I stepping the boundaries to try and admit her myself. I am willing to pay for it if it means it may help.
When you see your sister black and bruised from head to toe because she has fallen and been unconscious for days because she was smashed heck, it hurts. I started wondering if someone had done this too her but she said her body bruised easy now. Heck, somedays I seem to be rambling on only because I care. What happened for you. I need some hope.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
JJ.. yes it blows...
my loved one is gone 2 years end of this month...
if your looking for hope... our hope is to try not to let it suck us dry...
the hope has to be in AS, not us... if we look for it for the other, were in for big letdowns and pain...
just take care of yourself...
good wishes JJ
rz
my loved one is gone 2 years end of this month...
if your looking for hope... our hope is to try not to let it suck us dry...
the hope has to be in AS, not us... if we look for it for the other, were in for big letdowns and pain...
just take care of yourself...
good wishes JJ
rz
Naturally Occuring Phenomenon
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 437
Those bruises are from poor liver function, I think but I'm no doctor nor do I wanna be. I wanted to stop but was physically addicted to the stuff, so off to rehab I went cause I had no desire to detox myself. Now I just have to remember where I have been, keeps me sober, that and some AA. Its a tough situation no doubt. Thats all I got.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
justjo my heart goes out to you, I wish I had a suggestion that may help you help her.
The biggest heart breaker is no matter how much you love her, that love is not going to put that real desire that she needs in her heart to take the actions to quit.
You know as well as I do that she is in total control, she will talk the talk, but until she starts to walk the walk she is not ready.
If she starts to talk the talk again tell her if she gets herself into detox and drys out you will give her a ride to rehab.
She has to want to be sober more then she wants to drink, I pray she reachs that point before it is to late.
The biggest heart breaker is no matter how much you love her, that love is not going to put that real desire that she needs in her heart to take the actions to quit.
You know as well as I do that she is in total control, she will talk the talk, but until she starts to walk the walk she is not ready.
If she starts to talk the talk again tell her if she gets herself into detox and drys out you will give her a ride to rehab.
She has to want to be sober more then she wants to drink, I pray she reachs that point before it is to late.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
If she knows your there for her if she obtains the willingness, you pray for her, and check out alanon, that's about all you can do.
You can't give her the willingness. Alcoholics are very sick. When we are drinking and using they are more important than everyone and everything else regardless of what we say.
There is help for you to cope with this. You both are in my prayers.
Tom
You can't give her the willingness. Alcoholics are very sick. When we are drinking and using they are more important than everyone and everything else regardless of what we say.
There is help for you to cope with this. You both are in my prayers.
Tom
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 170
I read something this week that was so helpful to me.
As an alcoholic I have turned my will and my life over to the care of God. On a daily basis I ask God to take away my difficulties and truly believe that he will and does. I had to do the same thing with other alcoholics in my life I turned their problem over to God as well. God has to solve their problems just like he solves mine. I couldn’t fix me and I can’t fix you.
If I’m reading your Thread right what happened to me was that TRUTH and HONESTY collided. I got on my knees and asked for help. I had know one else to blame I had no choice but to look in the mirror. The image I looked at certainly wasn’t what was really there. From that point I reached out and made a change.
I wish you well....
As an alcoholic I have turned my will and my life over to the care of God. On a daily basis I ask God to take away my difficulties and truly believe that he will and does. I had to do the same thing with other alcoholics in my life I turned their problem over to God as well. God has to solve their problems just like he solves mine. I couldn’t fix me and I can’t fix you.
If I’m reading your Thread right what happened to me was that TRUTH and HONESTY collided. I got on my knees and asked for help. I had know one else to blame I had no choice but to look in the mirror. The image I looked at certainly wasn’t what was really there. From that point I reached out and made a change.
I wish you well....
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I wish my sis knew you all, so thanks. I try not to come in here and blabber too much, its just some days you know (the old fears come back). I dont want her to die and I know there is no clear answer for her. I stay away (just odd telephone calls) but when I go and see her, I feel hopeless when I leave. Her small body is so fragile, so sick, so pale, dying before me. She knows it too. She cant even remember the last time she ate and there I am trying to make her a meal that she cant get down. The bruises are horrible and from a fall. She begs me one day to pull her out of this hole, she cant do it on her own she says. I try only to support her positively, meaning strength to encourage her, not beg her nowadays. She goes into withdrawal and that sight is sad when she tries to stop. I actually believe that she isnt capable of doing this on her own but I hope Im wrong.
Im ok, I have learnt to deal with it pretty well but the thought of loosing her, well, thats the one thing I cant deal with. I guess what will be will be and I have no choice.
By the way, my son is doing very well. Im proud.
Im ok, I have learnt to deal with it pretty well but the thought of loosing her, well, thats the one thing I cant deal with. I guess what will be will be and I have no choice.
By the way, my son is doing very well. Im proud.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 410
Sad story. It really is. Are there other family members or friends who could all "intervene" and drag her kicking and screaming to a detox/rehab? I've had to do that to a family member... Even the people you love and who love you don't always make it easy, and like it has been said; She's walking her walk and chooses what path she takes. You can advise her, but you can't change her. Just do your best.
Regards
Regards
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
She has been in detox (so many times I cant put a number on it), Rehab at least 7 times (the live-in type) and everytime she has been caught drinking and kicked out.
I would love to find somewhere more controlled and take her there. There arent that many good places here. Nothing seems to work for her (I guess thats because shes not serious)
Since I posted, it came back to the old story. She was crying and begging me to help her cos she couldnt do it on her own. Within 2 days the ex boyfriend was back, (doing everything for her of course) and I havent heard from her since.
I learn my lessons, I tell you but some days I just want to knock some bl..dy sense into her. Each time a boyfriend takes off, (after they can do it anymore) she finds a replacement somehow. Its sick!
I really think she is beyond commonsense now, hopelessly taken in by this. She said to me last time, 'why did god choose me'? 'why do I have to go through this?' You see, I am easily taken in. I know she has to want it bad enough, but seriously, its like dealing with a four year old totally out of control. And what would you do with that. I just want to drag her to a place that will lock her up and help her. These men are just making it worse. You know, she needs me , crap!! I'll fix her. And I think, here we go again.
OK, babbling now. I have to stop this and the only way is to distance myself.
I would love to find somewhere more controlled and take her there. There arent that many good places here. Nothing seems to work for her (I guess thats because shes not serious)
Since I posted, it came back to the old story. She was crying and begging me to help her cos she couldnt do it on her own. Within 2 days the ex boyfriend was back, (doing everything for her of course) and I havent heard from her since.
I learn my lessons, I tell you but some days I just want to knock some bl..dy sense into her. Each time a boyfriend takes off, (after they can do it anymore) she finds a replacement somehow. Its sick!
I really think she is beyond commonsense now, hopelessly taken in by this. She said to me last time, 'why did god choose me'? 'why do I have to go through this?' You see, I am easily taken in. I know she has to want it bad enough, but seriously, its like dealing with a four year old totally out of control. And what would you do with that. I just want to drag her to a place that will lock her up and help her. These men are just making it worse. You know, she needs me , crap!! I'll fix her. And I think, here we go again.
OK, babbling now. I have to stop this and the only way is to distance myself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by justjo 
I actually believe that she isnt capable of doing this on her own but I hope Im wrong.
Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.
This is the answer JJ. The only answer at this point. You aren't her Higher Power, nor are her boyfriends or the treatment centers. Unless she asks for help from the right Higher Power, she's doomed to keep fighting the lost battle. All you can do at this point is what my wife and I did with two of our sons and that is to pray that we'll be strong enough to handle the outcome, no matter how it ends up. Thankfully, both our sons lived through it and are doing well now. It takes time though.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Justjo, pray, pray that she will see the light and find the strength to ask for help, the right kind of help though, not a hand out or a dry out, but that she reachs out for a new way of life. It is never to late so pray.
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thankyou Music & Taz, I needed that and I love everyone here (even though I dont know anyone, the support and passion everyone gives me is fantastic)It keeps giving me strength.
I prayed just now but tears overcome me. I went to Sunday School (church) when I was young but havent been back unless there was a wedding. I have never been religious but I see myself as christian.
'The higher power' - do you mean our soul? or god leading the way? Believing in ourself?
Silly question, but where can I get this Big Book. Would that be for me.
I prayed just now but tears overcome me. I went to Sunday School (church) when I was young but havent been back unless there was a wedding. I have never been religious but I see myself as christian.
'The higher power' - do you mean our soul? or god leading the way? Believing in ourself?
Silly question, but where can I get this Big Book. Would that be for me.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
The Big Book is titled "Alcoholics Anonymous"
it's the AA program in print.
You can get it in most AA meetings
in bookstores...from Amazon on line.
If you want to read it on line...
Big Book On Line
Please read Acceptance on page 419.
it's the AA program in print.
You can get it in most AA meetings
in bookstores...from Amazon on line.
If you want to read it on line...
Big Book On Line
Please read Acceptance on page 419.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Justjo Justjo, a Higher Power is basically a Power Greater then your self, it is up to you, if you beleive in the God of Abraham, Buddah, the Power of the Universe, what ever, if you have faith in a Higher Power of your understanding, not mine or anyone elses.
I call my HP God simply out of conveniance and because he fits the definition of the word God in the dictionary, you could call yours Fred or Sue, what ever. I would reccommend the book Alcoholics Anonymous, many of the Alanon books, and other books on dealing with family and friends of Alcohlics.
This is just my opinion and nothing more, but I would avoid books pushing interventions, especially where they are trying to sell thier intervention services or a particular rehab or program of recovery, some of these are written with the soul intent of getting your money, very similar to books and programs claiming a cure for the incurable.
The main reason for interventions is to where families and freinds can honestly say they did their best. There is nothing in the world wrong with this, if someone feels that they must do something by forcing recovery on someone they should do so understanding fully that no alcoholic or drug addict is going to begin recovery unless they are ready to do so.
Once a family member or friend has put some one into rehab against their will they really need to accept that thier loved one is not ready and when they are they will seek help on thier own.
'The higher power' - do you mean our soul? or god leading the way? Believing in ourself?
I call my HP God simply out of conveniance and because he fits the definition of the word God in the dictionary, you could call yours Fred or Sue, what ever. I would reccommend the book Alcoholics Anonymous, many of the Alanon books, and other books on dealing with family and friends of Alcohlics.
This is just my opinion and nothing more, but I would avoid books pushing interventions, especially where they are trying to sell thier intervention services or a particular rehab or program of recovery, some of these are written with the soul intent of getting your money, very similar to books and programs claiming a cure for the incurable.
The main reason for interventions is to where families and freinds can honestly say they did their best. There is nothing in the world wrong with this, if someone feels that they must do something by forcing recovery on someone they should do so understanding fully that no alcoholic or drug addict is going to begin recovery unless they are ready to do so.
Once a family member or friend has put some one into rehab against their will they really need to accept that thier loved one is not ready and when they are they will seek help on thier own.
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I have started reading chapter 1 in the Big Book so thanks.
Strange isnt it, I am nearly 50, had a fairly rough childhood but we were OK. I think I am a fairly intelligent, well rounded, genuine, honest person who is happy with who she is. (I know that all the nailpolish and makeup in the world isnt going to make me a better person) I have never said this before, but I could have been my sister. 13 years ago I was drinking heavily but managed to stop it. Life has dealt many things but nothing like this.
Crazy, Im plodding along with life and it hits me. Son into drugs some 8yrs (pretty good now though) & sister - cronic alcoholic for years too. You think that you have been dealt all you can take but NO, Im handed more.
This has actually given me some kind of spiritual awakening I think. The advise I have been given here is amazing. In the beginning I was a mess and some told me off too. I appreciate every comment given to me as this has made me see that Im only me! I can only do and be so much as a person.
More content than ever and things dont affect me as much. I guess we are all human and wouldnt be if we didnt care about our family.
HP, I'll work on that as I read more, so thanks.
Strange isnt it, I am nearly 50, had a fairly rough childhood but we were OK. I think I am a fairly intelligent, well rounded, genuine, honest person who is happy with who she is. (I know that all the nailpolish and makeup in the world isnt going to make me a better person) I have never said this before, but I could have been my sister. 13 years ago I was drinking heavily but managed to stop it. Life has dealt many things but nothing like this.
Crazy, Im plodding along with life and it hits me. Son into drugs some 8yrs (pretty good now though) & sister - cronic alcoholic for years too. You think that you have been dealt all you can take but NO, Im handed more.
This has actually given me some kind of spiritual awakening I think. The advise I have been given here is amazing. In the beginning I was a mess and some told me off too. I appreciate every comment given to me as this has made me see that Im only me! I can only do and be so much as a person.
More content than ever and things dont affect me as much. I guess we are all human and wouldnt be if we didnt care about our family.
HP, I'll work on that as I read more, so thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 386
How is your sister's self esteem?
She might need a program that will empower her, a positive program for women, designed by a woman over 30 years ago.
I don't often do this, but please check out this link.
Welcome to Women For Sobriety, Inc.
You sound like a wonderful sibling.
Seren
She might need a program that will empower her, a positive program for women, designed by a woman over 30 years ago.
I don't often do this, but please check out this link.
Welcome to Women For Sobriety, Inc.
You sound like a wonderful sibling.
Seren
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thanks Seren,
Just had a brief read but will do more tonight. Her self esteem is very bad now. Has depression, anxiety and gets delusional. (She thinks shes going crazy) Its very worrying at times. I know I cant stop this madness.
She doesnt like going out of her house now because of the anxiety attacks and someone has to go with her. Shes now at a point she doesnt even drive her car because she says she doesnt feel all together anymore. Someone has to give her a ride most times just to go anywhere. (boyfriend buys the booze)
She is very unhealthy & doesnt eat either. Her hair has started to fall out and she bruises if she just bumps herself. In a bad way.
This is why I was contemplating forcing her into a program but so far I havent found anything suitable.
The live in ones she has been in she hated. Men pounced on her and the women picked on her (she said). She hated listening to everyones problems, said it made her feel worse.
All i can really do is wait for her to really want sobriety. I will be there for her and I am willing to pay for it, if it means she can concentrate on getting her life back step by step. I probably sounds like an idiot but I am willing to pay for anything (if she is serious) to help her work this out. See, she has lost everything almost. In debt, which I havent helped with because I already learned that one!
Thanks again.
Just had a brief read but will do more tonight. Her self esteem is very bad now. Has depression, anxiety and gets delusional. (She thinks shes going crazy) Its very worrying at times. I know I cant stop this madness.
She doesnt like going out of her house now because of the anxiety attacks and someone has to go with her. Shes now at a point she doesnt even drive her car because she says she doesnt feel all together anymore. Someone has to give her a ride most times just to go anywhere. (boyfriend buys the booze)
She is very unhealthy & doesnt eat either. Her hair has started to fall out and she bruises if she just bumps herself. In a bad way.
This is why I was contemplating forcing her into a program but so far I havent found anything suitable.
The live in ones she has been in she hated. Men pounced on her and the women picked on her (she said). She hated listening to everyones problems, said it made her feel worse.
All i can really do is wait for her to really want sobriety. I will be there for her and I am willing to pay for it, if it means she can concentrate on getting her life back step by step. I probably sounds like an idiot but I am willing to pay for anything (if she is serious) to help her work this out. See, she has lost everything almost. In debt, which I havent helped with because I already learned that one!
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 38
JJ,
I went through something similar with a family member. I called a professional interventionist and made an appt to meet with her. I learned a lot! We did a family intervention and got my mother into rehab.
It doesn't sound like, from what you've written here, like your sister would have to be dragged into rehab. If she's now begging you for help, maybe the 8th time in rehab would work, who knows? But clearly, she needs medical attention. It sounds like she could be near death. You must be totally terrified.
JJ, there are people in AA who make house calls. They are very knowledgeable about how to do this. Call your local AA hotline, and ask for some names and numbers of AA people who do this. You cannot get through to her as effectively as another alcoholic can. Only an "alchie" can share the experience, strength and hope that may open a small, dim light of hope for your sister. It's worth checking out.
Good luck and may God bless you both.
I went through something similar with a family member. I called a professional interventionist and made an appt to meet with her. I learned a lot! We did a family intervention and got my mother into rehab.
It doesn't sound like, from what you've written here, like your sister would have to be dragged into rehab. If she's now begging you for help, maybe the 8th time in rehab would work, who knows? But clearly, she needs medical attention. It sounds like she could be near death. You must be totally terrified.
JJ, there are people in AA who make house calls. They are very knowledgeable about how to do this. Call your local AA hotline, and ask for some names and numbers of AA people who do this. You cannot get through to her as effectively as another alcoholic can. Only an "alchie" can share the experience, strength and hope that may open a small, dim light of hope for your sister. It's worth checking out.
Good luck and may God bless you both.
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