Pilgrim

So I have nearly 7 months. I haven't been able to get to a meeting this last week because I was out of town at a workshop. I spent any spare time with my sister. We are getting on well after four years of estrangement and we have so much catching up to do.

My oldest daughter left home on Monday and I was devastated. I started to feel sad and self pity crept in I guess when I saw all the women who had husbands or partners to comfort them. I went back to my motel room and cried alone. Fourth step stuff came crashing in just before she left. I felt shattered and drained and so miserable. A few nights before she left I hit a complete emotional rock bottom at about 4 in the morning. I was on the floor in a ball again. This time it was the guilt of not facing what I needed to face with her all those years. She needed the truth from me but I drank instead. It was massive and internal and indescribeable. I thought I knew what I had done but I never got it before.

I have been working long weeks and my job has become very stressful with lots of redundancies in head office. My boss rang me to warn me that the knives are out about 10 days ago. I have been so stressed. Working 60 hour weeks has now become normal.

My son (with Aspergers) has started college and his literacy levels are way down. He may never pass any external exams. His father left town a few weeks ago.

I feel so alone and so scared. I feel close to my HP and I have been doing well in my recovery despite all this but today....

I was cleaning out a cupboard and there was a bottle of brandy for cooking. I smelt it and it was like heaven. It smelt so delicious to me. The rat voice picked up momentum and before I knew it I was off to buy wine. The voice started telling me I wasn't going to get drunk, just have a taste. I can still smell the stuff.

I made it through and I got to bed sober. I am frightened and I don't know if I am going to make it. I called my sponsor but she didn't answer. I texted her to ring me but she didn't.

Lately, I feel like nothing in the world is like it used to be. I feel very lost and lonely. I just don't recognise this as my life any more. Everything has changed and I am just....I don't know where I am.

And yet there is so much good stuff and so much love.

I just wanted to tell you what was happening. I have a new week staring tomorrow. Another busy one with people in town and another plane trip on Tuesday.

Pilgrim

Reading back through this I realised I left something out. An oldtimer recently told me that our HPs were inside us. I felt lately that maybe I am just praying to myself. It has put this little dent in my faith. Maybe that's why I am in trouble too.

It's a rough ride just now.

Rusty Zipper

steph, rat buster zip on the case...lol

i agree with that old timer...

its a inner thing...

prayer, combined with meditation works for me...

pray rightly, and the meditaion...

reflecting on whats right, and whats not right within us...

what would the master do!

"our conscience!"

you'll be ok...

your right where your spozed to be... just keep move foward, and keep bust'n ole Rat'y!

xxooxxoo

pat

stone

Watch for self-pity Steph and keep things in the day. You cant change the past or control the future, just do the best you can each day-treat each day as a new life.

I am glad you didnt drink, I drank at exactly 6 months sober...it sucked...all the pain is there waiting for us.

Music

Two quick points.
1. Each day, try to balance AA, work, love and play. Whatever those four things mean to you, try to balance them out. If any one of those things takes a priority over the others for too long, it's like a see saw with someone too heavy on one end.

2. Sobriety has to take priority over anything, and everyone else. Anything I put in front of my sobriety will eventually cause me to drink, and I'll lose everything anyway. If I put work in front of going to my meetings and staying in touch with my sponsor, I'll lose sooner or later.

Signal30

The tools are not limited. You just don't have a sponsor to call. You should have a list of people to call. The phone might not smell as good as the booze, but it can sure as hell be the glue that keeps your a$$ from falling off. If your sponsor is not available, call others in the fellowship. Hit the phonebook and find a number to call any AA'er to talk to. There's always a hotline with a AA'er on the other end.

If you are traveling, take a BB and a 12&12. They make small ones good for traveling. If you need to check your intentions on prayer read the 11th step in "Into Action" in the BB, and then read "Step Eleven" in the 12&12. Hopefully...or should I say God Willing something will click when you read it, and help put you in the meditation state for good prayer.

Go to a meeting. If you are in a state of 911, you do what you have to do meaning drop everything and go to a meeting. As Music has already said, sobriety has to take priority over everything.

Always remember the tools of AA, like your higher power, are always with you.

Tom

NoMoBeer

Sorry you are going through this. I can really relate -- not sure if a similar situation, but my daughter left home angrily as well about a year and half ago... We did not see it coming, and we raised her from age 4 (I am her Dad, my wife is her step mom) -- she left here resentful and moved back with her Mom, and I subsequently got dragged to court for child support, college $$$, etc. for the sum of some big money which I will be paying off for a long time... It was and still is a very hurtful and hard time for me. I immediately did a 4th and 5th step again with my sponsor. The pain still hurts, but I try to keep the resentments and fears at arms length, as much as possible, through the tools of the program. The key thing for me is to stay in today's 24 hours. I cannot change what has happened, cannot control what is to be... I ONLY have today. I have learned through AA that all I can do is the "next right thing..." and belive me, some days have to be reduced to that for me, in my fourth year of sobriety...

So, I am hoping you will -- stay in touch with your sponsor, call ANY alcoholic in the program to talk when you need to, stay close to meetings -- map them out wherever you are going on business travel -- PRAY every day (the Serenity Prayer, as simple as it is, helps me immensely), and realize that you are human as well... you will have feelings, you will cry, and you will feel all those things, good and bad. Embrace them. Embrace the fact that you are sober and are ABLE to feel those feelings...

Remember -- God CAN and WILL....

Hold fast, help is on the way...

Ken

CarolD

(+) (+) (+)
Mega Hugs and Prayers zinging your way.

Changes are constant.
Drinking is fatal.

gypsytears

Steph I know it seems the pain is insurmountable at times like this but you know by now that drinking isn't going to make it better at all. You know this. Do what you've been doing, calling your sponsor, praying to your HP whether it's internal, external or both...call some friends, get to a meeting, read your big book, post here, write your daughter a letter, etc.You may have reasons to be down but none are reasons to drink.

Pilgrim

Thanks everyone.

I have been thinking a bit more about it and I don't think it's too deep or that I did anything wrong. I had just spent the week in a hotel room with a minibar and I was cautious and careful. This little bottle of brandy completely took me by surprise. I wasn't fearful of it so I sniffed it thinking it would smell horrible. Then it smelt divine. I mean good grief. I never drank brandy.

I always felt safe at home so maybe I wasn't on my guard. Next thing you know I am telling myself I just want to taste it again. Just for the taste. Sigh.

Had a better day today. I have a meeting tomorrow and nothing is going to stop me getting there. Not my job, not my children. I was going to be up early and off on a plane tomorrow but my son is sick so I called the whole thing off.

I had a bit of a wake up call and I need to throttle back.

Thanks again for being here.

Love

Steph

Tazman53

Steph glad to hear you made it through the night, nights are the hardest, especially when we are alone, you got some excellent advice, keep in mind that the hotline is not just for a newcomer, it is also for anyone who needs someone in the fellowship.

I have been to meetings out of town and loved them, it was comforting to know that no matter where I go I am not alone, at a minimum there is a friend of Bills a phone call away. I can only add my prayers and support for you, the advise you have been given is dead on the money.

CarolD

My friend Norman had a bottle of expensive single malt Scotch.
While I was on one of my many sober attempts
I would smell it and then go sit down for our Scrabble game.

The following week...I wet my finger with Scotch
2 days later... I had a drop on my tongue.

Within a month..I was bringing my own bottle over
his bottle lasted me 2 visits. The relapse
went on for 6 months.

I totally understand how devine alcohol can smell
to a parched alcoholic.

That lesson taught me to keep a home free of booze.
No point in repeating a disaster.

Good to know you are back on trach Steph

Pilgrim

Whoa Carol. Thanks. I can totally imagine that and I don't want it.

And yet the bottle is still there. I have had three days to throw it away and I haven't. I don't want to touch it. I don't want to smell it as it goes down the sink. For some reason I still haven't thrown it in the bin.

I think I am in quite a bit of trouble actually. Last night I woke up scared. I was scared of financial insecurity. I got angry at my HP. Really angry. Like I am doing all I am supposed to do but I am not getting all the promises. My defects are not gone. I am still messed up in my head. Where is this calm and peace that comes from doing the programme to the best of my ability? How do I do the programme as it is stated and be a single Mum and a General Manager of a large company?

Today at work people were talking about when and where they get their inspiration - I hear them say after two drinks this idea just came to me. It's a great idea they had. I hear the part about getting inspiration after drinking. My staff are going out with my colleagues after work and they are bonding over drinks. I am not bonding there. I have been away from meetings for two weeks now. While I was in Auckland I intended to go to one but I didn't. I met my sister instead and we needed to talk. But I feel so alone still.

I took my son to work today and I booked a hair appointment - first one in three months. I read all my work emails and had a work meeting and then my phone rang and my daughter was sick at school so I had to go and get her. So we are all home. I might not last in this job. Something is not right in my world. It's like I am waiting for the disaster. I am expecting as I sit here writing this that there will be a big earthquake. I was not meant to work today and I feel like I am being shown something. I am a bit crazy I think.

I will still try to go to a meeting tonight but not the one I wanted - just the one up the road. I don't want to be too far away from my children. I feel really nesty.

Sorry for the ramble.

Anna

Steph, I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I can surely relate to the guilt feelings while seeing your daughter leave home. My drinking began when my daughter was 16 and continued for a few years, until she left for school. The fact that I couldn't get it together and be a better mom at that time, was just plain painful. But, the good thing is, that time does heal those wounds. It will get easier to deal with.

And, maybe you're right about your job. Maybe that's part of what is happening right now and there could be a new direction coming in your life.

CarolD

Prayer helps me immensley.
Sending you a bucket full!

chip

I'm thinking about you, Steph. Hang in there!
chip

Tazman53

Steph I was sober over a year before I "Really" cleaned my garage, I knew there were a ton of empties out there and probably some full ones as well. I was right, there was about a 6 pack of full ones spread among all the "hidden" empties, it was a releif to get rid of them. Here is the funny thing, I could care less now if someone is drinking around me, but the idea of me being alone with some booze in my old drinking spot made me a bit nervous.

Steph from reading the rest of your post I sure hope you have got to a meeting and also talked at length with your sponsor about what is going on in your head. If you have not then please do.

Pilgrim

Thanks my friends for your prayers and kind words. You have been with me from the start. You know how far I have come and you can see my voyage. I am so grateful you are in my life.

I talked over coffee with my sponsor after the meeting tonight. I felt guilty being away from sick children but they are old enough to be alone and resting and I needed to talk.

You know after talking to my sponsor, it seems I was "keeping the brandy for Christmas cooking".

What a crock! We had a really good laugh - nearly fell off our chairs.

I knew it was there. I would never have used it in my cooking. I'm an alcoholic who doesn't want to drink for goodness sake. What is this? Why does my mind do that? O and there's another little nearly empty bottle of white wine - sweet - in my pantry. I kept that because it might have been a nice taste in my cooking as well. I thought it would be ok because I figured the alcohol would have evaporated by now. I have no words for how confused I am about the depth of my disease. I am totally baffled.

Here I was being all recovered and still harbouring little bottles around the place.

So...they are gone now. I can only laugh at myself and hope to learn more about the danger I am in daily without even realising.

I talked about the resentments I am having at work and my fear of financial insecurity. I have an action plan for tomorrow and service to do in my study group.

Goodnight. I love you guys. Prayers heading your way.

Tazman53

Steph it is good morning for me! LOL

Glad to hear you spoke with your sponsor.

We really need to be able to laugh at our selfs, the first 2 times I was going over to my sponsors to do step work as I walked out to my truck I was thinking "I better stop and get some beer on the way over!" Oh yes, no doubt that I am an alcoholic!!! LOL

Keep that in mind Steph, alcohol is Cunning, Baffling, & Powerful!!!! Nothing says that we have to understand why we are the way we are, all we have to do is keep it in mind that we are powerless over alcohol once we take that first drink! Good job on pitching the booze.

The very reason we do this ODAAT!

Getting it out there cuts it in half, service work keeps us in the fellowship, not out on the fringes.

Steph hon we love you to, sleep tight!

Dee74

Good on you Steph

D