Alice Kate

I'm not sure whether I am posting correctly here. I have posted in the family and friends forum, but I would really love some feedback for those suffering with alcoholism, to enable me to understand things from his point of view, as it all helps with the process of healing. Likewise if anybody needs any insight from the other persons side, please write me, as I will only be more than happy to help if I can. Thanks.

Ok, so I have been pretty down lately, and could do with some kind words. I understand the reasons why he does the things he does. He was brought up in a very abusive alcoholic household, as is very emotional damaged from that still, as he has never dealt with it, so carries much anger, fear, resentment around with him everyday, which crops up in every aspect of his life.

We have been together for 3 years, and it took him a long time to really get close to me, but he eventually gave in as we fell madly in love. He had never been that close to anyone before. He is 33. He always kept everyone at a distance. We were in love, best friends, companions, we were everything to each other. He had been sober for 2 years and we had had a very close content, beautiful, devoted relationship. Lately work and life has gotten on top of him, along with his fears, insecurities in his job, about his future, his own feelings of inadeqacy etc, and he started drinking again. He had had a couple of slips lately, which we argued about, as his personality completely changes when he drinks and he becomes cocky, cold and insensitive. My hurt feelings caused me to show anger toward him, and we would fight. I said the next time it happened it would be over.

Of course it happened, and I ended the relationship, because I thought at the time, he didn't love me enough as he has done it again knowing what the outcome would be, so my own insecurities made me walk away. Since I have learned all about alcoholism and I am ashamed of myself, I now know it's not about me, it's because he is an alcoholic and needs to drink in order to cope with his life, at this point in time, as he constantly lives with all his feelings and pain from his childhood, which present themselves in areas of his life every day, and everything just got too much.

We havent spoke for 2 months now. He knows I can't be with him if he is actively drinking as it affects our relationship so much. We both cried so much saying goodbye, to each other. He is so down on himself, and wished he could turn the clock back, but he can't and he knows he can't stop drinking right now! Unknowingly to me at the time, it wasn't just a couple of slips that he had had, he was back to being a hard-core alcoholic, over which he knew he had no control.

So although I understand alcoholism, and can say to myself, this has happened because of this and because he is an alcoholic and because he has no control over his drinking, I still constantly ask myself, how could this happen. We were so in love and so so happy, how can he not see what he is so easily,it seems, giving up. He said he had never been so happy in his life than he was with me, and it brought so much contentment to his life and he loved that. He says he will regret this for the rest of his life. He loved calling me and hearing my voice everyday, it bought so much joy to his life, and I felt exactly the same. So how did this happen? How can he just let me go, when I know he loves me so much, more than anyone else in the world.

I am by no means a stupid person, so why do I have such a hard time accepting the fact, and keep asking myself why all the time. It's like my brain understands it, but my heart simply will not catch up.

Does he even think about what he has lost, and the huge void he told me he had in his life when we first broke up. Does he even think about whats not there anymore, or is he so consumed by the alcohol that he doesn't give it a second thought anymore. How do you go from being so happy and content for 3 years, to suddenly drinking and not caring about anything that meant everything to you before. He is not a happy drunk at all, so it's not as if it's that, so how do alcoholics not look at the fact that they are not as happy now drinking and being alone, as they were in a relationship with someone that meant everything to them and the joy that brought, when they were sober, and the beauty that came out of that loving relationship? They have sober moments right, like in the morning when they wake up, as they are not drinking 24hrs a day, so how does reality not set in then, and make them realize?

I realize I am going around in circles, but please help me clarify, I'm driving myself crazy as you can probably see. I have been going to al-anon for 2 months now and seeing a therapist. I am fine when I am there, but when I am alone again, like now, my mind starts driving me crazy again..... Please help!

User_Name

I lost a GF of 6 years due to my drinking. I knew I was ruining the relationship with my alcoholism but this disease made it so I cared more about drinking than anything else in the world. Family, friends, girlfriends were all second to alcohol. It wasn't really a conscious decision to have my priorities this way, but this is how it was. When I was active I didn't feel any regret or guilt for my actions, I call it my "alcoholic autopilot". I didn't think twice about the things I did, I didn't even think once about them. I just did them so I could use.

In a really weird, sick way I almost wanted her to leave although I loved her more than anything in the world. I wanted to be able to drink without boundaries and without interference from anything. I do know what I lost, and I am hoping that through my recovery I will never have to feel that loss again.

I guess for me, to explain it to someone in the most simple way is to say that I was insane, and I didn't really care what happened to me as long as I had alcohol.

caraway

Hi Alice, so sorry to read about your situation. Must be very painful for you. Wish I could offer an explanation for an alcoholics behaviour. I'm an alcoholic and I don't understand it myself though its quite true when they say it is 'cunning, baffling and powerful'. If I have any hope of long term sobriety I need to not only stay stopped drinking but also address anything that makes me feel angry/hurt/sad or whatever as those are the things that can start off a relapse. As user name says insanity is the easiest way to explain it - it makes sense to me to think of it as insanity because it is so different from the way I'm thinking when I'm not drinking.

CarolD

If you want to know why some get addicted

How We Get Addicted - TIME

I am sorry you are in pain over a lost lover
and glad to see you are finding help for yourself.

Dee74

I'm no expert, but from my own experience - like someone else said - alcoholism is a brand of insanity - you're trying to apply rationality and logic to a condition where that just doesn't exist a lot of the time.

If you're in a hardcore phase even the sober moments are just like waiting at the lights to get to the store or the bar and drink again.

No alkie wants to live that way - not really....I hope your ex finds whatever it is he needs to make him stop and look at himself and deal with this soon, Alice Kate.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not your fault.

D

December15

You ask why does not reality set in when the alcoholic is sober in the morning and everything is fine. Well I guess it's a bit like swimming underwater. Things are ok for 30 seconds but if you are unable to surface then you will start going crazy holding your breath. The alcoholic in the bottle is like that - at a particular time of the day his body and mind starts screaming for the alcohol. For some that is first thing in the morning and for others it is after work.

Miss Pink

user name,,,,that was a great share...thanks...I for one also appreciate your sharing what its like, cus we codies just dont know why alcoholics hurt the family they way they do....helps to hear your end.

barb dwyer

*another point of view entirely*

you know - reading what you talked about ....

your ... tone ... for lack of a better mind to find the word ...

reminded me signifigantly of someone who's coming off booze ...

the same ..
"I know this is good for me but I want to drink/use anyhow."
- Feeling I get when reading other posts from people detoxing.

the feeling is there, implied clearly though carefully unspoken.

and I'll tell you the same thing I tell them.

there's Infinitely better things to center your life around.

I think it's the 'habit' coming through. whichis why it only 'hits' when you're at home. Alone. By yourself, I mean.

Maybe rearrange the furniture, so it's not like it was when prince charming went all toady again. Get new dishes. Paint.
Meaning it sounds more like a breaking HABIT .. than a breaking HEART.

and you are quite lucky in that regard.

barb dwyer

And I agree - that was a great share.
I'd never *seen* it that clearly before.

Thank you for that.

justanothrdrunk

Part of the problem is that you'll never understand. We don't understand it ourselves. Trying to explain it is an exercise in futillity. But...

At first, I would convince myself that I could control it. When I finally figured out that I couldn't, I went underground. I figured that if others (including my spouse) didn't know I was actively using, there wouldn't be a problem.

That's part of the insanity. I had convinced myself that I could drink more than a quart of vodka a night and that my wife wouldn't know about it.

The other part of the equasion is that I didn't think I was hurting anyone but myself. I drank at home, alone, in front of the TV. I wasn't driving or getting into any trouble. I held my job and paid the bills. No harm, no foul.

Once I was to the point where I knew I was fooling no one, I was so deeply seated in active addiction, it was almost impossible to stop on my own.

Going back to what triggered the relapses in the first place... I've been told that the relapse begins happening long before I picked up again. Once I pick up, I'm not relapsing, I'm using.

The pattern for me has always been the same. I get to a point where I feel in control of my recovery. I start going to less meetings and spending less time with other alcoholics. I regress into some old behaviors. And then one day, I pick up again.

I've never really had any "slips" either. I don't get the benefit of being able to take a day off from recovery. History tells me that once I pick up again, I'm right back into full blown, falling down drunkenness.

The catch for me was that I had to learn this on my own. No amount of others telling me of their experience helped me learn this. I thought somehow I was different. It took trial and error to learn that I wasn't any different at all.

sugErspun

The only reason I drank was no reason at all.

I am an alcoholic of the sort that only an entire psychic change, a spiritual experience if you will - will save me from death.

If I stay away from alcohol and am not involved in clearing up my past and enlarging my spiritual life, I am doomed to pick up again.

When I pick up again - there is no such thing as 'will power' to stop me.

I will take down everything worthwhile in life.

I am a sick person, who's illness is called alcoholism - it affects those around me like no other human illness....

If I go untreated, losing a relationship will be a drop in the bucket of destruction.

I have been where he is. I know what it is like. He may have no choice in the matter, it is not a problem of mental weakness nor outside circumstance (job, money etc cannot justify killing oneself).

I was offered a solution, and I took it because I had no choice.. The problem has been removed. No matter how bad work has been, how many bills I pile up, how much time I spend in traffic, how many friends pass away or how bad life gets...I am not afraid. The fear has been removed and I believe this can work for anyone who truly wants it. I am no longer a slave to alcohol - in fact, I haven't even had the thought of a drink (this from someone who could not go 24 hours without a drink for years), since I gave up doing things 'my way'. There are no triggers, I need no relapse prevention. I was aimed in a different direction and getting drunk has not been an option on this path. I am better for it. My girlfriend is better for it, my boss is better for it, my family is better for it, my friends are better for it...everyone has benefitted from this. Yeah, there are some things I have to do to maintain this, they are a pleasure to do today.

I had to want it for myself, doing it for someone else NEVER worked.

Never.

If he be truly alcoholic, I know a solution that works.

Right here in Los Angeles, and every other city in our country for that matter.

Tazman53

Good post user_name, I can well relate, I had already surrendered to alcohol when my wife told me in a month her and the kids were moving out, no ultimatum, those had never worked before. I was actually happy in my own insane alcoholic way, no one whining about me being drunk, no more hiding it, just drinking the way I wanted to drink!!!!!

Thank God for a moment of clarity and me being scared of dying a slow alcoholic death, with out my fear of dying I would never have gotten sober.

stonewolf

I asked my AH> "WHAT would you do if someone broke into the house and was killing your family and yourself"?
A.H replied, "I would die defending you all.!!!!

I then begged ah to STOP DRINKING, because That is the enemy that is KILLING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.!!!!!!

LOVE, FEAR OF LOSS, even DEATH is not enough until they are ready to quit for Themselves.

stonewolf

oops sorry about that double thing, i'm new at this lol

Alice Kate

I just want to start by thanking everyone who replied and gave there support to my thread. I am very grateful to all of you during this tough time.

So I received a letter from the ex recently, and he would like to talk. we broke up in October because he hit the bottle again after 2 years sobriety, and this is the first contact we have had since. He said he drank all over chrsitams to supress his emotions from our breakup, but come January first he decided he hated the booze aagin, and didn't want to be this person it made him again. As many of you know he grew up in a very violent home with alcoholic parents from which he is very scared from, and his feeling of insecurity, inadequacy all haunt him in his day to day life. Alcohol is his escape when things get too much to bare.

Like I have said before we had a beaulitful relationship in the 2 years he was sober. We were in love, best friends and companions, and everything to each other. His letter states that he knows he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with and needs to spend this year just focusing on him, and being the person he wants to be in a relationship, one that does not destroy beautiful things, for which he doesn't know why he does. He is a very emotional personal, and when life gets too much to bear he goes into shut down mode and pushes those he loves away.

In the mean time since October I have been doing a lot of work on myself, understanding the disease, and learning how I often do not haddle my emotions either in a very productive way. Al-anon has helped me considerably, and I intend to keep going, it really helps me focus on me, and how to improve myself.

As regards to him, he says he needs to be alone, to find out who he is, as he doesn't really know. My question is, is this normal? I know he loves me very much, so I was just wondering is this a normal thing for alcoholics who are trying to find continuous sobriety to say. The idea of being in a relationship again and having to deal with the emotions that brings is something he says he is not able to deal with right now, and that he needs to work on himself. He has only been sober for 2 weeks and recently had a slip. So everything is very fresh right now.

Likewise I need to work on myself, which I will continue to do. I was just wondering, I am not hanging onto this fact, I know what will be will be, but is there a chance we could come through this one day? My plan is to give him space to do what he needs to do. I know any pressure from me about the future right now, he could not deal with, which I respect completely. I feel I should be there if he needs me, and let him do what he needs to do for himself, to find himself and obtain stability in his life. In the mean time I plan to continue on with my life, and let fate take over. The bottom line is I truly love this man, as he does me, and in my heart I hope we make it through to the other side, but I know only time will show us all the way........

Thank you for reading.

Jfanagle

I believe that we really only drink for ourselves and as a result we only get sober for ourselves. It really is that simple. This is not to say that we don't love others, in fact we alcoholics are capable of amazingly deep feelings and as such tend to really self medicate to a much greater degree than our non addicted brothers and sisters.

My point is simply this, I left a 7 year live in, couldn't have love her more; 45 days after I started getting sober. My reason was your ex's explanation. I wanted to get to know me before I tried to be the person she wanted and I knew she deserved.

Sober now 8 plus years I have a great "friendship" with this lady, couldn't ever get that old relationship to fit quite right. If you keep moving forward and the ex does the same, your paths will cross in the right place and the right time if they are intended to.

As an alcoholic I think we have a lot of room to grow and in some cases CHANGE in sobriety. I am a firm believer that the CHANGE IS FOR THE BETTER in sobriety, but it may mean that some past relationships won't fit this change.

Just my observations based on my past. Best of luck and be good to yourself,

Jon

sugErspun

Alice, It sounds like you are in a good place, asking questions, reaching out. I have learned that my pain was just my way of looking at it - it often turned out to be for the ultimate good..so I have kind of learned a way to not attach to much on 'how I feel..if that makes any sense.

As for your ex - what was he doing those 2 years he wasn't drinking? Has he expressed interest in getting help? Is this something he feels he can do on his own? Is he a spiritual guy at all? How much does he drink? Is he a bar hopping type or prefer to drink alone, or just with some friends?

Like I said earlier - if he be alcoholic, there may be little hope for him. There was none for me. Today there is - and it wasn't an accident.

There is a way. That goes for you too.

Tommyh

Alice
I know one thing,when I was drinking,my wife tryed to fix me and she got worst..and so did my drinking,and the worst my drinking got,the more she tryed to fix me.It went on and on for years..She got sicker and I got sicker..and my drinking kept getting worst.

Finally one day she went to alanon and got consistanly involved and started practing what they taught her..she quit trying to fix me...she got better...I continued to get worst...untill One day I said enough...I went to AA..and then I got better...and then our family got better..
So,if we spend time trying to analize each other,we lose..if we focus on the solution we get better...we win..
I would not try and figure him out,just try and get well yourself....you deserve it Alice

jacrazz

Thanks so much for "your side". I know why my xab just cut me out of his life and it kills me inside! I just pray that he gets better one day!

RobbyRobot

Hi Alice Kate,

Your entire post is beautifully written. Awesome.

Yeah, you're not stupid, and neither is he, but alcoholism is absolutely an example of stupid is as stupid does and everybody suffers within this truth when the alcoholic goes to town. You did the right best thing to carry through on your promise to quit him if he didn't quit alcohol, so even though it brings on hurt, know you did the loving thing.

I grew up in a dysfunctional abusive family too. I seriously drank at 12 and was already toast at 15. I kept drinking as an alcoholic until my last quit at 24. I'm 56 now and sober ever since my last drunk back in 1981. I've got something to say about your great questions about your man and his alcoholism.

Believe him when he says he's never been happier then with you. He loves you. He wants you. He regrets the breakup. How do I know this? Well, alcoholism never made me happy. Drinking brought out my feelings in ways that I couldn't feel when not drinking, and so this became an ideal justification for my continuance with drinking. I believed this justification was my happy ticket. I didn't realize I was creating an addiction monster. My abusive background already had me primed to want to feel good about myself after dealing with feeling so bad for so long. Eventually of course, sadly, the price to pay for the easy access to my new good feelings was I also more keenly felt my bad feelings too - and I couldn't shut them off anymore by being ignorant of them - alcoholism lit up all my darkest corners, and eventually I had to justify drinking to drown all the unbound feelings. I drank to become numb was the final suffering of most of my drinking years.

I believe your man is sharing truth with you about his love. Any one from an abusive background who also realises they have suffered abuse also knows one thing absolutely for sure - they know when they are being truly loved, and they are grateful for being loved. Being from an abusive background, and from facing my demons, has given me an ideal radar for knowing what is what with real love. Its akin to why water feels so good when one is really thirsty. Well, I'm really thirsty for love now, lol.

Alcoholism can't destroy love, but it can destroy the lover. When the lover dies, so dies the love. When the dreamer stops dreaming, the dream stops too. So yeah, your guy does think about reality about you and him, and not just in the morning, I'm thinking. The trouble with alcoholism is no matter what the drinker does with his or her insides, if they drink, alcoholism rules the day. It's really just that obvious and simple enough. The bad news is of course have enough drinking days strung out and things really go south because alcoholism as an addiction does best with the alcoholic who suffers. I'm now a recovered alcoholic. I don't suffer as an alcoholic. Alcoholism no longer owns me and my life. When I ended the drinking I ended the suffering and I ended my alcoholism. Not a cure so much, but an ending to my troubles with alcoholism.

So, yeah, whatever your man was in the best of times with you, he still is all that, but he's also more suffering with his alcoholism, and since he's drinking, alcoholism wins the day, and everybody and everything else is lost and wrecked. Quitting drinking is essential to have any hope of being successful at life while dealing with being an alcoholic. I'm still alcoholic even though I'm recovered. One drink, and I would be worse then ever I had been - can you imagine my angst after not drinking for more then 30 yrs?! Unspeakable. Unimaginable.

Your man, being sober in-between his drink days, he too goes through an unbelievably tough time when he relapses. Returning to drinking when I did so almost killed me dead. When a guy knows he's lost everything, and he still drinks, then the guy also knows he lives in hell. So believe me, he knows all too well what he has lost. Sadly, extreme loss is not enough for the chronic alcoholic to not have that next drink. Loss can absolutely help one quit, but loss itself is not enough to keep one quit. To forever quit drinking alcohol requires a guy to overcome his addiction ambivalence angst, and get on the other side of his addiction woes. There are endless ways to accomplish this, all relative to the person making the responsible choices for themselves after putting down that drink.

Like I said, you've done the right and loving thing to quit on the relationship. Doesn't mean you have to quit on you continuing doing what is right for you. Driving yourself crazy with all this heartbreak will have to run its course. Nothing hurts like a love lost for nothing. I know from both sides of all that.

Is he aware of his choices open to him to quit his drinking? Can he see his way to making those hard choices? Does he consider himself bottomed out? Does he understand addiction/alcoholism?

Thanks for posting, Alice Kate. Your obvious love for others, and yourself, is beautiful. Hope this all works out for YOU. Remember YOU in all this.