Six months but still falling apart
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 111
Six months but still falling apart
Tomorrow will be my six month anniversary of being sober. I’ve watched many folks hit this great milestone and tell of how much better they feel. How much clearer everything has become. And how much they are enjoying the new life that they have started to build in sobriety.
I’ll be honest… I’m incredibly jealous of the people that can say that at six months. I’ve spent the last week and a half in the depths of what I can only assume is PAWS, and it doesn’t show any signs of relenting. I’ve hardly slept over the last week; have had to call in sick to work because of the overwhelming inability to string a few thoughts together, let alone come close to anything that would resemble functional in a professional environment.
I’ve been going to meetings, trying to find that positive outlook on life, trying to do the things that have been suggested. I still feel like I’m falling apart at the seams though and I can’t even put into words how frustrated that makes me.
Starting to feel like I’m a cracked nut, and I hate the feeling that things are more out of control now than they ever were when I was drinking (yes, I know, this is that alcoholic insanity thinking, it’s not reality and I’m not going to give it to it).
Anyway, just needed to get some of this out in a place that others might understand.
I’ll be honest… I’m incredibly jealous of the people that can say that at six months. I’ve spent the last week and a half in the depths of what I can only assume is PAWS, and it doesn’t show any signs of relenting. I’ve hardly slept over the last week; have had to call in sick to work because of the overwhelming inability to string a few thoughts together, let alone come close to anything that would resemble functional in a professional environment.
I’ve been going to meetings, trying to find that positive outlook on life, trying to do the things that have been suggested. I still feel like I’m falling apart at the seams though and I can’t even put into words how frustrated that makes me.
Starting to feel like I’m a cracked nut, and I hate the feeling that things are more out of control now than they ever were when I was drinking (yes, I know, this is that alcoholic insanity thinking, it’s not reality and I’m not going to give it to it).
Anyway, just needed to get some of this out in a place that others might understand.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Have you gotten a sponsor and started step work? I've heard a lot of people get stalled, avoid a fourth step, which for me (and a lot of others, as I hear them tell it) a freedom step. I was scared to death in approaching it, though I don't know why now. I mean -- it was just looking inside myself. But the trepidation and the anxiety -- was almost paralyzing.
Also, are you spending time with sober folks outside of meetings? Calling them, going out for coffee, sharing your feelings?
All those things helped me. I know we're only supposed to do this one day at a time, but I had to make a commitment to myself. I promised myself that I would stick with it and take all twelve steps. If I did that and still felt miserable, then I'd look at something else. But -- well, as I'm sure you have already heard, I was "amazed before [I] was half way through."
Hang in there. I'm sure others will be along soon w/their E, S & H.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Also, are you spending time with sober folks outside of meetings? Calling them, going out for coffee, sharing your feelings?
All those things helped me. I know we're only supposed to do this one day at a time, but I had to make a commitment to myself. I promised myself that I would stick with it and take all twelve steps. If I did that and still felt miserable, then I'd look at something else. But -- well, as I'm sure you have already heard, I was "amazed before [I] was half way through."
Hang in there. I'm sure others will be along soon w/their E, S & H.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
I hear you. For me I think it was about a year before I felt normal. It was dealing with emotions. I spent years covering them up so it was hard at times to face things.
Yeah, I wanted the quick fix but it did not work that way for me. But I can say it did get better. I know we should live in the today mode. But all that hard work I did for the first year is a good reminder for me.
Yeah, I wanted the quick fix but it did not work that way for me. But I can say it did get better. I know we should live in the today mode. But all that hard work I did for the first year is a good reminder for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I had a great deal of difficulty with emotions, depression, fatigue etc in my first year and beyond - I felt like I was the only one who was going through it.
I know it's difficult, being where you are at, but amp up your recovery as much as you can - connect with others outside of the rooms, and perhaps get involved in some type of volunteer work?
We all go through difficult times in early sobriety, and the penny seems to drop sooner for some than others. Try your best not to compare yourself to others, and be patient with yourself as you go through the more difficult times. This too shall pass.
I know it's difficult, being where you are at, but amp up your recovery as much as you can - connect with others outside of the rooms, and perhaps get involved in some type of volunteer work?
We all go through difficult times in early sobriety, and the penny seems to drop sooner for some than others. Try your best not to compare yourself to others, and be patient with yourself as you go through the more difficult times. This too shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Scientist, since you mention AA, I will focus on that.
You said you go to meetings. Do you have a sponsor? Do you have service commitments? What step are you on.
One thing that has rung true for me is this: If I am miserable for no apparent reason, and I am sober, it is untreated alcoholism. Nothing less, nothing more.
The treatment for alcoholism in AA are the twelve steps as outlined in the book - this will have you at meetings, doing the steps, and being of service. This process leads to a spiritual awakening that will remove the problem. Give meaning back to life.
Is there more you could be doing with AA other than just going to meetings? Meetings by themselves, the book by itself, a sponsor by himself, commitments by themselves - will not keep you sober. A balanced program will work. I know it will.
You can try an addiction specialist, a shrink or whatever - maybe that will work for you. I try to work a balanced AA program, and all of those symptoms have disappeared from my life (they have been present in the past when I have been sober but not working the program - it's work).
I think it can work for you too.
You said you go to meetings. Do you have a sponsor? Do you have service commitments? What step are you on.
One thing that has rung true for me is this: If I am miserable for no apparent reason, and I am sober, it is untreated alcoholism. Nothing less, nothing more.
The treatment for alcoholism in AA are the twelve steps as outlined in the book - this will have you at meetings, doing the steps, and being of service. This process leads to a spiritual awakening that will remove the problem. Give meaning back to life.
Is there more you could be doing with AA other than just going to meetings? Meetings by themselves, the book by itself, a sponsor by himself, commitments by themselves - will not keep you sober. A balanced program will work. I know it will.
You can try an addiction specialist, a shrink or whatever - maybe that will work for you. I try to work a balanced AA program, and all of those symptoms have disappeared from my life (they have been present in the past when I have been sober but not working the program - it's work).
I think it can work for you too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 111
Thanks everyone for the insight and experience.
Sugah & sugErspun –
Regarding the AA portion of my recovery work so far…
I do have a sponsor, but I've been lackluster in really getting a foothold with the steps. I'm having trouble finding a connection with my current sponsor and don't really know how to go about bridging that gap. Internally I've been wrestling with an overpowering ability to rationalize everything under the sun and have a way of keeping myself on the fence about whether I've even got a problem. I know this is laughable in reality, as I wouldn't be on a fence at all if I didn't truly have alcoholic thinking.
There are probably many more things I could, and should, be doing to increase my participation and fully utilization of the program. I have been trying to talk to other sober folks and get some of these feelings out in that arena also. I’m not the best at actually reaching out for help, which I know is part of why I’m spinning my wheels.
Carol –
I have thought about seeing an addiction specialist. My doc recently gave me some information for a local place that is supposed to be good. I just need to call and get something set up to go talk to them.
Comet & Rowan -
Thank you for your experiences. Sometimes it is easy to think that I’m the only person that’s gone through this, which is part of why I love SR, the reminder that I’m not.
Sugah & sugErspun –
Regarding the AA portion of my recovery work so far…
I do have a sponsor, but I've been lackluster in really getting a foothold with the steps. I'm having trouble finding a connection with my current sponsor and don't really know how to go about bridging that gap. Internally I've been wrestling with an overpowering ability to rationalize everything under the sun and have a way of keeping myself on the fence about whether I've even got a problem. I know this is laughable in reality, as I wouldn't be on a fence at all if I didn't truly have alcoholic thinking.
There are probably many more things I could, and should, be doing to increase my participation and fully utilization of the program. I have been trying to talk to other sober folks and get some of these feelings out in that arena also. I’m not the best at actually reaching out for help, which I know is part of why I’m spinning my wheels.
Carol –
I have thought about seeing an addiction specialist. My doc recently gave me some information for a local place that is supposed to be good. I just need to call and get something set up to go talk to them.
Comet & Rowan -
Thank you for your experiences. Sometimes it is easy to think that I’m the only person that’s gone through this, which is part of why I love SR, the reminder that I’m not.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
I am at 6 months too and my brain has finally cleared 'somewhat', those first 6 months I was a wreck. So I Do feel better by comparison-to a complete wreck, but I dont feel great either. My memory is still shot and so is my concentration span.
These last few weeks I have actually felt pretty bad, I seem to have had a contsant headache and flu type symptoms, but I dont think it is a virus really-could be PAWS-lol, I put everything down to PAWS!
Also, I am finding myself having trouble coping with any type of stress and having anger issues-I put this down to not being able to hide in a bottle anymore, and so having to learn to cope with life.
What I am trying to say is, I dont think its unusual not to feel so great at 6 months.
I am going to see the Doctor about these headaches though!
Good luck with everything.
These last few weeks I have actually felt pretty bad, I seem to have had a contsant headache and flu type symptoms, but I dont think it is a virus really-could be PAWS-lol, I put everything down to PAWS!
Also, I am finding myself having trouble coping with any type of stress and having anger issues-I put this down to not being able to hide in a bottle anymore, and so having to learn to cope with life.
What I am trying to say is, I dont think its unusual not to feel so great at 6 months.
I am going to see the Doctor about these headaches though!
Good luck with everything.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I had a few pink clouds in the first 6 months of sobriety but I was a lot like you and still had difficulty with the PAWS type symptoms some of them are still present and I am nearly 7 years sober. I have to look at it from this perspective: I spent 20 years messing up my mind, body, and spirit. If it takes half that long to get it back on track then I have not done bad. There is so much in my life that is better since I found sobriety. There are things I still work on daily but in my eyes when I am no longer able to find some area that I can improve on in myself then I am not looking hard enough.
Don't know if this will help or not but here is my 6 month of sobriety experience. 3 days after I had 6 months of sobriety I went off a cliff on a motorcycle. Shattered the bone in my right thigh, they had to put a metal rod in the leg to try and piece it back together; did extensive tissue damage to my left leg; broke my right shoulder; broke my left wrist; had to have 3 units of blood because of the internal damage; spent a month in the hospital; was nearly released to a nursing home to recouperate (fortunately a friend agreed to take time off from work and let me stay with her so she could take care of me); spent the next year trying to learn to walk somewhat normally again; wound up with my right leg and inch shorter than my left; had to declare bankruptcy because I had not medical insurance at the time and needless to say the medical bills were enormous; couldn't work or draw unemployment for over a year; couldn't drive for 6 months; spent 3 months in a wheelchair; and I am sure there is more that I am forgetting.
My point of telling you this is I have learned that even when I am feeling bad I need to be careful and look for the things I have to be grateful for because it can always be worse. A gratitude list can be huge when I am having difficulties. One day during all the recouperating all I could find to be grateful for was I was finally able to wipe my own behind, but after the embarrassment of having to have someone else do it believe me I was thrilled.
Today I have a lot to be grateful for. My sobriety is at the top of the list. The reason is without my sobriety I would not have any of the other things in my life to be grateful for.
Hang in there, it does get better. Life is full of bumps in the road.
Don't know if this will help or not but here is my 6 month of sobriety experience. 3 days after I had 6 months of sobriety I went off a cliff on a motorcycle. Shattered the bone in my right thigh, they had to put a metal rod in the leg to try and piece it back together; did extensive tissue damage to my left leg; broke my right shoulder; broke my left wrist; had to have 3 units of blood because of the internal damage; spent a month in the hospital; was nearly released to a nursing home to recouperate (fortunately a friend agreed to take time off from work and let me stay with her so she could take care of me); spent the next year trying to learn to walk somewhat normally again; wound up with my right leg and inch shorter than my left; had to declare bankruptcy because I had not medical insurance at the time and needless to say the medical bills were enormous; couldn't work or draw unemployment for over a year; couldn't drive for 6 months; spent 3 months in a wheelchair; and I am sure there is more that I am forgetting.
My point of telling you this is I have learned that even when I am feeling bad I need to be careful and look for the things I have to be grateful for because it can always be worse. A gratitude list can be huge when I am having difficulties. One day during all the recouperating all I could find to be grateful for was I was finally able to wipe my own behind, but after the embarrassment of having to have someone else do it believe me I was thrilled.
Today I have a lot to be grateful for. My sobriety is at the top of the list. The reason is without my sobriety I would not have any of the other things in my life to be grateful for.
Hang in there, it does get better. Life is full of bumps in the road.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
madscientist.
Let it go. Simply put. Self reliance has failed me, and I now can accept that. Read the 3rd and 7th step prayer, and really study on what it means. "Relieve me of the bondage of self." I must say I was a prisoner in my own body, and every once in a while I still feel like I am. When I feel like this I again have to remember to FULLY give myself to the God of my understanding.
When it comes to your sponsor you have to ask yourself two questions.
1) Is you sponsor doing the best job he can showing you how he obtains his experience strength, and hope, and shows you the path he is following to what he has learned through AA?
or...
2) Are YOU listening to what he is telling you? Are you reading the BB? Are you following the steps? Are you asking questions when you do not understand something? And most importantly... Are you turning your will over to the care of God as you understand him?
Ok maybe that was more than two questions...lol. But, you understand where I'm coming from.
Let it go and listen brother.
Tom
Let it go. Simply put. Self reliance has failed me, and I now can accept that. Read the 3rd and 7th step prayer, and really study on what it means. "Relieve me of the bondage of self." I must say I was a prisoner in my own body, and every once in a while I still feel like I am. When I feel like this I again have to remember to FULLY give myself to the God of my understanding.
When it comes to your sponsor you have to ask yourself two questions.
1) Is you sponsor doing the best job he can showing you how he obtains his experience strength, and hope, and shows you the path he is following to what he has learned through AA?
or...
2) Are YOU listening to what he is telling you? Are you reading the BB? Are you following the steps? Are you asking questions when you do not understand something? And most importantly... Are you turning your will over to the care of God as you understand him?
Ok maybe that was more than two questions...lol. But, you understand where I'm coming from.
Let it go and listen brother.
Tom
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Mad,
This may not apply to your situation, I offer it as my experience, take what you want and leave the rest.
After about the first 6 months I was so damn irritated at AA and the whole "sober life" that I was madly looking in the Big Book to find an 800 number to call and complain. I had done steps 4 & 5 and had even made amends to those dreaded ex wives!!! I was doing the whole sober thing as well as any poster child could have done. Still I was unhappy, life was certainly better than being drunk, but it sure wasn't HAPPY!
One day after complaining to a fellow, who ironically would become my second sponsor in my 6th year of sobriety, Gary told me "How about you go out and just live your life and quit expecting a reward for all the effort and work you have put into AA?" In other words, be glad that I am sober and I am competing with all those non-alcoholics on AN EVEN PLAYING FIELD. That means I am just as likely to be sad, frustrated, or confused as any other human being.
As I said, this is just what happened to me. In sobriety I have had a whole bunch of problems, from death to having to help one child through addiction, and another with an adoption at age 15. I have lost lovers, money, and as I get older, some hair. All in all it has been one hell of a ride and I am glad I am sober everyday.
I know ONE THING FOR SURE. I HAVE CONTINUED TO BEAT THE ONE THING (alcoholism) THAT I THOUGHT I COULD NEVER BEAT. Because of this, I know that no other problems life sends my way are UNBEATABLE either!!
Just my experience. Hang in there and be grateful everyday for another sober day.
Good Job and congratulations,
Jon
This may not apply to your situation, I offer it as my experience, take what you want and leave the rest.
After about the first 6 months I was so damn irritated at AA and the whole "sober life" that I was madly looking in the Big Book to find an 800 number to call and complain. I had done steps 4 & 5 and had even made amends to those dreaded ex wives!!! I was doing the whole sober thing as well as any poster child could have done. Still I was unhappy, life was certainly better than being drunk, but it sure wasn't HAPPY!
One day after complaining to a fellow, who ironically would become my second sponsor in my 6th year of sobriety, Gary told me "How about you go out and just live your life and quit expecting a reward for all the effort and work you have put into AA?" In other words, be glad that I am sober and I am competing with all those non-alcoholics on AN EVEN PLAYING FIELD. That means I am just as likely to be sad, frustrated, or confused as any other human being.
As I said, this is just what happened to me. In sobriety I have had a whole bunch of problems, from death to having to help one child through addiction, and another with an adoption at age 15. I have lost lovers, money, and as I get older, some hair. All in all it has been one hell of a ride and I am glad I am sober everyday.
I know ONE THING FOR SURE. I HAVE CONTINUED TO BEAT THE ONE THING (alcoholism) THAT I THOUGHT I COULD NEVER BEAT. Because of this, I know that no other problems life sends my way are UNBEATABLE either!!
Just my experience. Hang in there and be grateful everyday for another sober day.
Good Job and congratulations,
Jon
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: library
Posts: 131
I hate to be depressing but it wasn't until the 1 1/2 year mark that I started to feel normal. (keep in mind we're all different). I was physically detoxed but not mentally detoxed. I gradually realized that alcohol would not fix any problems. If I drank, the problems would still be there tomorrow. I was beginning to worry that I was going to be the only one to never to see full recovery.
I feel great now. Just went through a difficult time and kept in mind alcohol wouldn't fix it. Fortunately, I was able to keep a level head and face the problem head on. It's been 3 1/2 years since my last drink.
Stay in there.
jane
PS--I do take antidepressnts now as per MD.
I feel great now. Just went through a difficult time and kept in mind alcohol wouldn't fix it. Fortunately, I was able to keep a level head and face the problem head on. It's been 3 1/2 years since my last drink.
Stay in there.
jane
PS--I do take antidepressnts now as per MD.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
mad we are all different as this thread shows, I was one of the fortunant ones, I had my valleys but they were short lived, I still have valleys, but I push through them with out drinking and when I emerge from the other side it is victory!!!!
The gratitude list! I used to write down a gratitude list on a 3X5 card and carry it in my hip pocket. Get feeling down trodden, beaten, depressed..... pull it out, #1 was always sobriety, funny thing but a 3X5 card never held it all!!!! I wrote this list daily when I was really down and had to work at deciding what I had to leave off of it...... this told me I was doing a lot better then I thought I was.
Now on the sponsor and the steps...... first things first, not every sponsor is right for every sponsee, sit down and being brutally honest pray for guidance and wisdom to determine if you and your sponsor are a mismatch or is it you throwing up barriers?
If it is you throwing up barriers then sit down with your sponsor and lay it all out there for him, ask him what he suggest may help you take those barriers down. If you come to the conclusion that the 2 of you are not a good match then you also need to bite the bullet and tell him so, ask him for assistance in finding someone you feel you can work with.
PAWs may be a major player in this, it may serve you well to see a therapist or a shrink, after we have been out of the bottle for a while some of us may need therapy or to be put on anti-depressants because alcohol has been masking true clinical depression. The steps are a huge help in dealing with "situational" depression, but true clinical depression needs more. The BB says that many of us do need to seek outside help with matters not alcohol related that are revealed once we are sober.
This to shall pass, but it will pass quicker by actions on your part. Just remember that a drink is damn sure not going to make it better!
The gratitude list! I used to write down a gratitude list on a 3X5 card and carry it in my hip pocket. Get feeling down trodden, beaten, depressed..... pull it out, #1 was always sobriety, funny thing but a 3X5 card never held it all!!!! I wrote this list daily when I was really down and had to work at deciding what I had to leave off of it...... this told me I was doing a lot better then I thought I was.
Now on the sponsor and the steps...... first things first, not every sponsor is right for every sponsee, sit down and being brutally honest pray for guidance and wisdom to determine if you and your sponsor are a mismatch or is it you throwing up barriers?
If it is you throwing up barriers then sit down with your sponsor and lay it all out there for him, ask him what he suggest may help you take those barriers down. If you come to the conclusion that the 2 of you are not a good match then you also need to bite the bullet and tell him so, ask him for assistance in finding someone you feel you can work with.
PAWs may be a major player in this, it may serve you well to see a therapist or a shrink, after we have been out of the bottle for a while some of us may need therapy or to be put on anti-depressants because alcohol has been masking true clinical depression. The steps are a huge help in dealing with "situational" depression, but true clinical depression needs more. The BB says that many of us do need to seek outside help with matters not alcohol related that are revealed once we are sober.
This to shall pass, but it will pass quicker by actions on your part. Just remember that a drink is damn sure not going to make it better!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sacramento
Posts: 28
I understand and feel your pain, and Im only on day 5 of recovery. I know it may not feel like it, but CONGRATULATIONS and BIG HUGS on 6 months of sobriety. I am terrified to feel in six months as you do, but I think it is incredible and wonderful that you made it.
Please post up as you start to feel better, I know it would bring hope to me as I am sure many others.
Please post up as you start to feel better, I know it would bring hope to me as I am sure many others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 111
Thanks everyone for the replies.
I've done some serious thinking about everything and realize that I haven't been the most active player in my own recovery lately, so it's not fair for me to wonder why nothing is changing...
I have an appointment with a local addiction counseling service that was recommended by my shrink, I'm hoping that finding something more structured to pair with AA will help me to start moving forward, even just baby steps. We will see what she has to say.
I know I still have more reflection and prayer that I need to do regarding my sponsor, and whether I'm conveniently looking for excuses as to why it won't work.
Thanks again.
I've done some serious thinking about everything and realize that I haven't been the most active player in my own recovery lately, so it's not fair for me to wonder why nothing is changing...
I have an appointment with a local addiction counseling service that was recommended by my shrink, I'm hoping that finding something more structured to pair with AA will help me to start moving forward, even just baby steps. We will see what she has to say.
I know I still have more reflection and prayer that I need to do regarding my sponsor, and whether I'm conveniently looking for excuses as to why it won't work.
Thanks again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 111
Well, today ended up being another one of those days where the planets align in such a way that it's hard to deny that there's a HP up there helping to swat us in the right direction now and then...
I went for my eval appointment with the SA counselor and spent a grueling two hours answering all the typical background questions they throw at you and taking some sort of questionnaire about alcohol use.
Turns out the group she recommended was meeting tonight, so I stuck around and went through the exceptionally awkward process of laying out part of my story. But at least it's doing something else to become an active player in my sobriety again.
I went for my eval appointment with the SA counselor and spent a grueling two hours answering all the typical background questions they throw at you and taking some sort of questionnaire about alcohol use.
Turns out the group she recommended was meeting tonight, so I stuck around and went through the exceptionally awkward process of laying out part of my story. But at least it's doing something else to become an active player in my sobriety again.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Good job Mad, sobriety is a lot of work, we can not rest on our laurels, the program of AA is a program of action, the only inaction in the whole program is not drinking! LOL Stay active in your sobriety, if staying sober was easy there would be no AA nor would there be any alcohol/drug rehab/treatment centers!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
