Sadness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Sadness
Yesterday was a very tough day for me, a man that I had only known for a few short weeks passed away and it hit me very hard. I work in the Rehabilitation Dept. of a nursing home and unfortunately people in the facility die all the time. Never the less it always affects me. Because I work in rehab I get the pleasure of watching short term residents improve and go home, unfortunately Mr. H was not one of them even with my hopes of him spending Christmas with his grand kids. Even this morning as I type this tears are streaming down my face for the loss of such a genuine soul, a man that would light up when I walked into the room, a man that never had an unkind thing to say about another resident nor staff member.
I didn't expect him to die, and I am sad I didn't have the chance to tell him how he helped me. I know in my heart I did all I could for him to make him comfortable, We talked about his life, he gave me sound advice on my smoking issues since he had COPD (lung disease), and he told me some really funny dirty jokes!! lol
My job is so rewarding but yet I take it so hard when someone passes. I don't know how to not let it affect me...I use to drink to numb the pain...last night I just went to bed by 7:30...I prayed for Mr. H and for the strength to make sure I always, always tell people what they mean to me...
This forum has been a life saver, I come here daily for my "medicine" and I wish to thank you all for your support.
I didn't expect him to die, and I am sad I didn't have the chance to tell him how he helped me. I know in my heart I did all I could for him to make him comfortable, We talked about his life, he gave me sound advice on my smoking issues since he had COPD (lung disease), and he told me some really funny dirty jokes!! lol
My job is so rewarding but yet I take it so hard when someone passes. I don't know how to not let it affect me...I use to drink to numb the pain...last night I just went to bed by 7:30...I prayed for Mr. H and for the strength to make sure I always, always tell people what they mean to me...
This forum has been a life saver, I come here daily for my "medicine" and I wish to thank you all for your support.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
bugs thank you for sharing that, comfort your self by knowing that he can live on in you, you can honor him and his memory by keeping him in your heart and giving to others what he gave to you.
Crazy as this sounds, but you have gained by what you have lost:
I was raised that I was never to leave someone I love without letting them know I loved them no matter what because live is fragile and I should always be sure that I never have to regret that the last words I may say to someone I loved were not ones of love.
Crazy as this sounds, but you have gained by what you have lost:
to make sure I always, always tell people what they mean to me...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Thanks Stone and Taz...
I took some time off of my job in early spring to get sober...no one knows of my struggle as I never drank at work. When I went back I promised myself to try not to get emotionally attached to my patients, but it is damn near impossible for me! I look in their eyes and see young people trapped in failing bodies. My family knows how much I love my job, how I fall in love with the residents and how I really feel this profession is my calling, but they get concerned that it may get over whelming. Thanks to aa meetings and SR I will be able to move forward daily without picking up. I know Mr. H is no longer in pain and he is at peace, but I will miss him.
I took some time off of my job in early spring to get sober...no one knows of my struggle as I never drank at work. When I went back I promised myself to try not to get emotionally attached to my patients, but it is damn near impossible for me! I look in their eyes and see young people trapped in failing bodies. My family knows how much I love my job, how I fall in love with the residents and how I really feel this profession is my calling, but they get concerned that it may get over whelming. Thanks to aa meetings and SR I will be able to move forward daily without picking up. I know Mr. H is no longer in pain and he is at peace, but I will miss him.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Bugs,
I"m sorry about your loss. Yes, even though you knew this man a short time, he touched you. Be kind to yourself. So much of being sober is actually feeling your feelings, and I know how hard that is.
I for one am happy to know that there are people like you helping the people that WE love..
Karen
I"m sorry about your loss. Yes, even though you knew this man a short time, he touched you. Be kind to yourself. So much of being sober is actually feeling your feelings, and I know how hard that is.
I for one am happy to know that there are people like you helping the people that WE love..
Karen
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
HI Bugs, Sorry for your loss. My aunt lives in a home for people with mental disabilities and I am forever astounded at the care and compassion that flows from the people who work with her. It's boundless, and amazing, and we family members should take more time to tell you who work with our fragile family members how much we appreciate your love and concern.
One suggestion I have for you - I run the funeral planning ministry at our church. At times, I become overwhelmed with the grief that I see. I get a lot out of sharing my feelings with the priest who runs the ministry. Is there someone in your workplace who you can share with? Just a thought...
Thanks for sharing
One suggestion I have for you - I run the funeral planning ministry at our church. At times, I become overwhelmed with the grief that I see. I get a lot out of sharing my feelings with the priest who runs the ministry. Is there someone in your workplace who you can share with? Just a thought...
Thanks for sharing
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Bugsworth,
As we each unfold our lives to one another here on SR, hopefully, individually we realize that we are not really so different. Your humanity is evident in your work and I appreciate this new view of the Nursing Home industry and your good heart. My Mother resided in a Nursing Home from the beginning of 2007 till her death on July 14, 2007. To say that I despised these disposal areas for the elderly is an understatement.
This was my Mother and the reality of her degeneration may have been self evident to others, though I was in denial. How could such a powerful woman succumb to age? I was tremendously angry. I saw under paid workers tending my Mother with little regard for her personhood. I saw and smelled death and disease everywhere and I became enraged. Rarely do I fear, but fear gripped me and I was truly aware finally of my powerlessness. My Mother was immortal, how else could it be, yet deep within I knew this to be as untrue as my Fathers passing in 1999 had finalized any notion of life on earth beyond a normal span. These people who owned, worked and functioned in this Nursing Home were my enemy, not death and if I could just get my Mother home, all would be well. This was deluded thinking; my Mother was dying.
I live 600 miles from my hometown and I drove that distant many times during my Mother’s last months. During my last visit with my Mother, a CNA came into the room to help my Mom to the bathroom. This young lady looked at me as she assisted my Mom for just an instant and smiled a smile that could have only been angelic; something greater was in the room with us. She gave care and love to my Mother that broke through my mounting anger and despair. I know now that there is protection from above no matter the place; foolish of me to think that God would abandon my Mom at such a time.
I received a call on July 12, 2007 from my Aunt, my Mother’s younger sister. I got home late from work that day; I am a Funeral Director in Birmingham. The call said to come home one more time. My Wife asked me to wait till morning before leaving with good reason for I had been up many hours and I would not have made the drive that night without danger. I left the next morning and began my drive to see my Mother one more time; I knew if I drove fast enough God would allow me to see her.
Within 100 miles I received the call that Mom had begun her new journey. Everything to this point in my life was preparation for me to stand on my own feet; the time had come to stand tall and take care of the responsibilities present. I am grateful more than life that I was able to be free of my old life and take care of my Mother for one last time.
During my last visit with my Mom, just two weeks prior to her passing, this stick of a woman weighing only 80 lbs, skin so paper thin it would crack open from a simple gust of air, hugged me with renewed strength and said into my ear to walk out the door and to not look back, move forward and live, that I was loved. I will, for my loving Wife, for myself, for those I need to help and for my Mother, who I was fortunate enough to have received the gift of love one more time.
I am grateful for your candor here Bugs. Thank you for the gift of healing that you provide others. Thank you for these memories.
As we each unfold our lives to one another here on SR, hopefully, individually we realize that we are not really so different. Your humanity is evident in your work and I appreciate this new view of the Nursing Home industry and your good heart. My Mother resided in a Nursing Home from the beginning of 2007 till her death on July 14, 2007. To say that I despised these disposal areas for the elderly is an understatement.
This was my Mother and the reality of her degeneration may have been self evident to others, though I was in denial. How could such a powerful woman succumb to age? I was tremendously angry. I saw under paid workers tending my Mother with little regard for her personhood. I saw and smelled death and disease everywhere and I became enraged. Rarely do I fear, but fear gripped me and I was truly aware finally of my powerlessness. My Mother was immortal, how else could it be, yet deep within I knew this to be as untrue as my Fathers passing in 1999 had finalized any notion of life on earth beyond a normal span. These people who owned, worked and functioned in this Nursing Home were my enemy, not death and if I could just get my Mother home, all would be well. This was deluded thinking; my Mother was dying.
I live 600 miles from my hometown and I drove that distant many times during my Mother’s last months. During my last visit with my Mother, a CNA came into the room to help my Mom to the bathroom. This young lady looked at me as she assisted my Mom for just an instant and smiled a smile that could have only been angelic; something greater was in the room with us. She gave care and love to my Mother that broke through my mounting anger and despair. I know now that there is protection from above no matter the place; foolish of me to think that God would abandon my Mom at such a time.
I received a call on July 12, 2007 from my Aunt, my Mother’s younger sister. I got home late from work that day; I am a Funeral Director in Birmingham. The call said to come home one more time. My Wife asked me to wait till morning before leaving with good reason for I had been up many hours and I would not have made the drive that night without danger. I left the next morning and began my drive to see my Mother one more time; I knew if I drove fast enough God would allow me to see her.
Within 100 miles I received the call that Mom had begun her new journey. Everything to this point in my life was preparation for me to stand on my own feet; the time had come to stand tall and take care of the responsibilities present. I am grateful more than life that I was able to be free of my old life and take care of my Mother for one last time.
During my last visit with my Mom, just two weeks prior to her passing, this stick of a woman weighing only 80 lbs, skin so paper thin it would crack open from a simple gust of air, hugged me with renewed strength and said into my ear to walk out the door and to not look back, move forward and live, that I was loved. I will, for my loving Wife, for myself, for those I need to help and for my Mother, who I was fortunate enough to have received the gift of love one more time.
I am grateful for your candor here Bugs. Thank you for the gift of healing that you provide others. Thank you for these memories.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Bugs
I have been hospitalized a few times in my short life and if it wasn't for the humanity of the nurses (often more so than the Doctors) I don't know where I would be. My mother is a nurse and I have often seen how a true appreciation for life (here and after) can be lived.
We are so much more than skin and bones.
You are in my prayers and thank you for your post.
I have been hospitalized a few times in my short life and if it wasn't for the humanity of the nurses (often more so than the Doctors) I don't know where I would be. My mother is a nurse and I have often seen how a true appreciation for life (here and after) can be lived.
We are so much more than skin and bones.
You are in my prayers and thank you for your post.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Rufus what you shared about your mom truly touched my very soul, it reminded me of my mothers passing, even though it was expected for many years, it still shook me deeply, it really shook me when you shared that final hug, like you I remember mine as well.
Have a happy, safe & sober Holidays!
Have a happy, safe & sober Holidays!
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by merlotmamma 
Bugs,
Be kind to yourself. So much of being sober is actually feeling your feelings, and I know how hard that is.
Be kind to yourself. So much of being sober is actually feeling your feelings, and I know how hard that is.
Bugs,
your heart sounds very open and that is beautiful~~~ honor it today in whatever way is best
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Hi Bugs,
I am sorry for your loss too. It does seem to me that certain people come into our lives for a purpose. And, sometimes, the person just passes through briefly, but touches us deeply. I hope you don't harden yourself to the patients, but still maintain your boundaries.
I am sorry for your loss too. It does seem to me that certain people come into our lives for a purpose. And, sometimes, the person just passes through briefly, but touches us deeply. I hope you don't harden yourself to the patients, but still maintain your boundaries.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Bugs...
I became a CNA after I got sober.
I worked for an elder health care agency
often in nursing homes
I too had Mr. H's brighten my life
as they left for their next journey.
I still remember the sadness I had when they died.
The way I choose to honor them is to be kinder each day.
I think God directed me to this new field and training.
About 3 years after I started, I was able to use my
new skills to ease my Mother into her final earthly path.
She died with no pain and with dignity.
When I got back to Fl. I asked to do Hospice work.
This was the most rewarding work I have ever done.
Here is what it taught me....
I left each shift with the fact that my patient was
better off because my knowledge and
compassion than when I walked in.
:wow:
Good bye Mr. H....you are missed
I became a CNA after I got sober.
I worked for an elder health care agency
often in nursing homes
I too had Mr. H's brighten my life
as they left for their next journey.
I still remember the sadness I had when they died.
The way I choose to honor them is to be kinder each day.
I think God directed me to this new field and training.
About 3 years after I started, I was able to use my
new skills to ease my Mother into her final earthly path.
She died with no pain and with dignity.
When I got back to Fl. I asked to do Hospice work.
This was the most rewarding work I have ever done.
Here is what it taught me....
I left each shift with the fact that my patient was
better off because my knowledge and
compassion than when I walked in.
:wow:
Good bye Mr. H....you are missed
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
:sorryHaving spent many years in the medical field, I have seen way too much death. It is never an easy thing as it reinforces our own mortality. I could relate to your post as it took me many years to find a way to come to terms with death, especially in those patients I had become close to. What helped me the most was a dialysis patient. She had a stroke at the age of 38 which left her with kidney failure, on dialysis, with seizures, lvining in a nursing home and paralysed on the left side. She had 3 children at the time she was raising. She was a very kind soul. I enjoyed the time I had with her. I could always make her laugh. When her sister also went into kidney failure a few years later something really changed for her. Her 21 year old son was also murdered around that time. Everytime we would go to hook her up to the dialysis machine she would beg us not to. She begged us to let her die. The doctor I was working with at the time refused to stop her dialysis treatments. Her family also were against stopping the treatments. My heart would break everytime I would work with her as I knew she was not mentally incompetent as some would believe and her wanting to stop the pain was something I could completely relate to. The day she died she was begging me not to hook her up to the dialysis machine when she had a seizure. The seizure was one that was that lasted for nearly 10 minutes. She was transfered to the hospital, had another stroke and died shortly thereafter because her potassium levels were so high (that is one of the things dialysis removes).
What I felt when she died was mostly a sense of relief. I was happy for her to finally be able to rest. Yes, I missed her. I missed the way she would make me smile. Being able to talk with her. Seeing her. But the lesson that brought to me was learning that others death is not about me. Death can sometimes be that final release and rest. It sometimes is not a bad thing.
Although death is something I never enjoyed seeing I did learn to accept that it is as much a part of life as birth. It is just a part of the life process each of us go through. The best that I can hope for during such times is knowing that because I was a part of their life they had a few more smiles, a few more laughs, a little more love, knew kindness, and knew they were cared about. What a privilege to have the opportunity to bring these things to another person.
I love the following:
"The only time a person is truly dead is when they are forgotten."
Be thankful that you are able to be a light in others lives. The job you do is many times a difficult one but you have the opportunity to play a significant role in a persons life. Take care. Keep the memories alive. Let the memories that make you smile be the ones you carry.
What I felt when she died was mostly a sense of relief. I was happy for her to finally be able to rest. Yes, I missed her. I missed the way she would make me smile. Being able to talk with her. Seeing her. But the lesson that brought to me was learning that others death is not about me. Death can sometimes be that final release and rest. It sometimes is not a bad thing.
Although death is something I never enjoyed seeing I did learn to accept that it is as much a part of life as birth. It is just a part of the life process each of us go through. The best that I can hope for during such times is knowing that because I was a part of their life they had a few more smiles, a few more laughs, a little more love, knew kindness, and knew they were cared about. What a privilege to have the opportunity to bring these things to another person.
I love the following:
"The only time a person is truly dead is when they are forgotten."
Be thankful that you are able to be a light in others lives. The job you do is many times a difficult one but you have the opportunity to play a significant role in a persons life. Take care. Keep the memories alive. Let the memories that make you smile be the ones you carry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Wow! I just got home and I am overwhelmed by the response from all you good people.
To each of you I owe a thank you even though that is not enough.
This experience with Mr. H did not end with his death as I had the opportunity to speak with his son today when he came to gather his belongings.
I saw his son as I was tending to another resident and he asked if he could speak to me when I got a moment.
When I spoke with him he thanked me for all I had done for his Dad and told me he had a gift for me. I never accept gifts...well except a box of chocolate...who could refuse that. Anyway he handed me a small gold box, I tried to refuse but he said he believed his Dad would have wanted me to have it. Upon opening the box I damn near almost passed out...inside was a 1 year AA coin...dated April 1981. The look on my face made him laugh...Is it that obvious I thought to myself.
I didn't know what to say...I started to cry...what else could I do?
He said that last week when I found that his Dads oxygen tank had run empty in my haste to get his O2 readings and a new tank put on , I dropped my 30 day chip in his room. I thought I had picked it up before anyone could see, but Mr. H's son said his Dad heard it fall and knew right away what it was...He went on to say that his Dad told him the story of my chip. Mr. H's son asked me to take it because his Dad really liked me and felt that it was a way for his Dad to do his 12th step work one last time.
I am astounded, I really don't know what to say. Now if I could just stop crying...lol
Thank You all....
To each of you I owe a thank you even though that is not enough.
This experience with Mr. H did not end with his death as I had the opportunity to speak with his son today when he came to gather his belongings.
I saw his son as I was tending to another resident and he asked if he could speak to me when I got a moment.
When I spoke with him he thanked me for all I had done for his Dad and told me he had a gift for me. I never accept gifts...well except a box of chocolate...who could refuse that. Anyway he handed me a small gold box, I tried to refuse but he said he believed his Dad would have wanted me to have it. Upon opening the box I damn near almost passed out...inside was a 1 year AA coin...dated April 1981. The look on my face made him laugh...Is it that obvious I thought to myself.
I didn't know what to say...I started to cry...what else could I do?
He said that last week when I found that his Dads oxygen tank had run empty in my haste to get his O2 readings and a new tank put on , I dropped my 30 day chip in his room. I thought I had picked it up before anyone could see, but Mr. H's son said his Dad heard it fall and knew right away what it was...He went on to say that his Dad told him the story of my chip. Mr. H's son asked me to take it because his Dad really liked me and felt that it was a way for his Dad to do his 12th step work one last time.
I am astounded, I really don't know what to say. Now if I could just stop crying...lol
Thank You all....
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
((Bugs))
The world is such a wonderful place, full of so many gifts. All we alcoholics and addicts have to do is learn how to get past the fear of accepting them. When we do - oh!
Your beautiful posts, and this lovely tale, are a gift to us all sweetheart. Thanks!
The world is such a wonderful place, full of so many gifts. All we alcoholics and addicts have to do is learn how to get past the fear of accepting them. When we do - oh!
Your beautiful posts, and this lovely tale, are a gift to us all sweetheart. Thanks!
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