shaktee

It is almost 3:30pm on Monday afternoon. I finished working out and it feels great. I feel good.

Today I got up around 830am, ate, got caught up on some emails, went to Chapters to pick up a few books and then grocery.

Last night I was thinking a lot about life and about my relationships with people. I am not that close to too many people, and I think the alcohol helped me distance myself from them. Maybe I was scared of commitment, maybe I was scared of being vulnerable.. maybe I was afraid of opening up. Whatever the case is, I ended up alienating everyone out of my life. Shutting them out. This obviously can't be good, nor healthy.

Lately, when I have been writing down my thoughts and find that I write something about myself or something about life that I do not like... I follow it up with something related, but I write it how I want it to be. How I would like it. I found this to be pretty powerful.. for instead of focusing in on something negative, or lacking or bad... I turn it up on it's head and make it into something good and something to strive for. Yeah, I'll make mistakes, but looking at it from an optimistic viewpoint opens possibilities whereas pessimism closes them.

I was also thinking last night, that when I see things... when I see this monitor and these words.. and the people and events in life... I wonder if it's me actually taking the light of this universe into my eyes and into my self... or rather if my eyes are like a canvas for which my soul is projected upon.

Makes me wonder.

I have no desire to drink today... there are many other more productive and constructive things to do.

May life bless you all.

Dee_Sober4today

Shaktee!!!!!!!!
It's so great to hear you feel good! Me too!
I've alienated almost my entire family and most of my friends becausI thought they were unhealthy for ME...little did I realize that I was the unhealthy one that couldn't deal with ordinary feelings and situations.
After only 13 days sober, I can now look people directly in the eyes, say hello for the sake of saying hello and pick up the phone to reach out to other people.
I think your technique of combatting a negative with an immediate positive is very therapeutical. I know as an alcoholic and due to low self esteem, I've always concentrated on all my negatives. These days I'm really trying to be nicer to myself or at least not so hard on myself.
You sound like you're doing great.
Just make sure you have a plan to get through those inevitable days that you're not feeling so great and so confident!
I'm thrilled that you're doing so well and enjoying sobriety, shaktee...honestly and truly.
Denise

savoy

Are you an alcoholic ?

Rimmy

You are an inspiration shaktee. Thank you, and I wish you continued strength of mind and heart!

shaktee

I'm not sure if that question was for me, but I'll answer it. I don't know if I'm an alki ... but I can tell you how I feel. When I'm bored or lonely, I like to drink because it passes the time. When they day is going bad, I like to drown the sadness because it makes me happier and makes me forget. When I have a drink, it just makes me feel good right away. It makes me feel warm and comfortable and a smile automatically appears on my face. I love that feeling. The alcohol sheds all my problems and cares .. like wisps of a cloud, the problems never stay. So I drink some more and it makes me feel even better. It hits me fast and hard. I keep drinking to make that feeling more intense.. then it comes to a point where it doesn't matter if I drink some more it won't really have much of an effect... but I keep drinking anyways. Maybe it's psychological. Before I know it, the bottle is empty and I usually either black out or have gone to sleep. The next day I feel like crap... I don't have a hangover, I've never had a hangover, but I feel really tired because I've had a bad sleep.. I'm not rested and it feels like there is cotton in my mouth. Emotionally I feel like crap. I've basically missed an evening. I've really done nothing. I haven't 'lived' but rather the night disappeared along with the liquor. I can't eat that much because it makes me want to throw up. And just feeling crappy and depressed the next day... makes me want to drink again to forget and escape from those emotions.

Sometimes, I start my day with a drink. A few times I've had a drink and then gone to work. I've had to call in sick many days because I drank too much and was tooo tired to get up and goto work. I've gone to family functions drunk. I've driven buzzed to the liquor store to get more liquor. Numerous times, I've eaten nothing for days, but filled my belly with just liquor. A couple of times, I drank bottle after bottle for a few weeks. I've gotten mad at people for the stupidest things. I've lost most of all my friends because I'd rather drink at home alone than hang out with them. I'm not close to anyone in my family because I'd rather drink and blame them for everything wrong in life...actually I'd like to blame everyone for everything. Sometimes, out of habit, no matter how good the person is, or how good their intentions are, I find a fault. I used to be athletic, but now sometimes walking up a set of stairs makes me feel like my heart moved into my head.

Maybe I'm not an alcoholic.... but I know, that since I've stopped drinking, life has changed. I have desires. I want good things for myself, for those around me, for everyone. I still have a lot of problems... but one day, maybe I will have less problems and that makes me want that life even more.

Sometimes, I still want to drink.... like today. I would really really love a few glasses of wine. But I know, I can not, because once I taste it... I won't stop.

Do you ever wonder, what it would be like... if everyone in the world... drank like you? How would the world run? How would people treat each other? How would they treat their loved ones... how would hospitals and law enforcement run.. if they all drank as much and as often as you or I used to? Would you want that on them.... would you want that on yourself?

I didn't drink last night... and so I can also not drink today.

sugErspun

Well..it seems you certainly relate to the physical portion of alcoholism - not being able to control the amount you drink once you have a little (and everyone's 'little' is a different amount - most importantly, there is no way to really know what that point is, physicall speaking).

I relate to what you wrote. The other part of being alcoholic (from my experience) - is that no matter how badly I want to stop, or need to stop, or HAVE to stop - my experience tells me I will drink again no matter what. I had to try my hardest, many many times before I got full knowledge of what it really means to be alcoholic (that means a lot of failed attempts at quitting for good)

#1 - the body (wants more when it has some in it)
#2 - the mind (can't leave it alone).


Tks for the update.

shaktee

It is now Saturday night and I am sober. I feel really tired and down. I had a long day yesterday and didn't get a chance to eat much... was on the phone till late last night and again, today I'm really tired and didn't eat much.

I feel sad.. a bit lonely and wish my life was different... but it is what it is, and if I want it to be different, the effort has to come from me. Truth is, I don't really know what I want. The past week I've been really excited about starting a new career, moving out and trying to get on with life... but today, none of that really matters. I have no desired today. I hope it passes.

I did not drink today.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Dee_Sober4today

Shaktee...
I think you and I are sitting together on the same roller coaster.
I've done nothing of any substance all week. Even re-scheduled a much needed job interview.
Feeling like life is so miserable without adding a little break and a little alcohol.
Things are too clear and emotions are too raw.
They keep telling me stick around until the miracle happens...Well, I'm going to stick around (I hope).
I haven't been clean & sober for 18 days in over 20 years. I think three weeks was my record for alcohol, but I was taking diet pills or other pills.
I hope I start to see the sun shine through these dark clouds soon and I hope you do too.
I'm sharing this, not to depress you but to let you know I'm feeling what you're feeling. I'm right there with you. It's almost a relief to see someone not so dang happy!!
"Life on life's terms" they say...Does that mean feeling miserable?? I hope not.
Sending out strength and hope (any that I can muster)
Be well, my friend..stay strong.
Dee

shaktee

It's 1230pm on Sunday. I want to crawl back into bed... for some reason. :wtf2

Last night I wanted to cry a lot... thinking that it's Saturday night and most everyone is out with friends or family... enjoying life and I am at home, by myself, doing nothing of consequence. It's weird. But, it's only going to get better if I make an effort.. I think just seeing that naked reality of my life is what is scary right now. But, it's not going to get any better by itself... a good life isn't going to just drop in my lap because I deserve. I actually don't know if I deserve it, but it's certainly something I have to work for.


Today I'll do some work, prepare for an interview tomorrow and go for a walk - I need to get out of my head and back into this world, if that makes any sense. I haven't worked out the past 5 days and just did a quick light body workout to get some feeling back into this tired fleshy body.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings Dee, it seems like we really are in the same place. Here's to hoping that it'll get better... and soon.

shaktee

I think I'm going to make a goal. It's December 16th today... and I want to start 2008 with a clean slate. I've never made new years resolutions, nor even really celebrated it - thinking it's just another day and we all put arbitrary symbolisms on it.... but I think I'll switch it up. I'm going to go out on New Years Eve and enjoy myself. I want to start 2008 as a new me.

I have half a month to design the new me, and since I have no job at the moment, I have no excuses to spend the time working on things that I want for my future. Rather than making a new years resolution, I'm going to find a word which captures the new me, to describe what I want to be and to focus on for the new year. Kind of like a mantra.

I wanted to write more with respect to this... but I got interrupted with a phone call for some volunteer work we are doing for Jan end and I have to go... imma let this marinate in me and go from there..

Have a great day.

sugErspun

Does this mean you are planning to drink on New Years Eve?....your post wasn't clear to me as to what you mean by going out and enjoying yourself...

shaktee

It's Tuesday - just before 1pm. It's raining, gray and a bit dull outside. It's supposed to rain quite a bit tonight. I didn't drink last night.

I'd been thinking about why the blue feelings of late, and I think it's because there is nothing to hide behind anymore. There is nothing to use or take which will help forget or to put things or thoughts off. It's like... there it is. There's life and reality. One has to do something now. Take chances... perhaps even fail. Even in that failure comes growth - if one is used to seeing it that way. I don't think I am yet... I think I usually assume I'm going to fail and then feel bad about it, and then try to forget about it. But, I think it's time to change that approach. Actually... it has to change. It's okay to take risks... it's okay to fail.

It really is scary in a way. But that is life.

I think keeping things simple right now really helps. Focusing on myself (self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth), my health (staying fit, eating healthy), my family/friend relationships (going out, spending time with people, looking to do things that brings people together) and my carrear. Everything else is filler - house, girlfriend, things, guitar etc... - but those other things; me, family/friends, carrear are the basis for my life.

It looks like both companies I had been interviewing for are interested and will be making offers within the next day and it's up to me to decide which I want.

I'm getting what I want. Happiness isn't getting what I want... it's valuing what I have.

I need to continue doing what I need to do.

Suger: I have no plans to drink on New Years Eve - I meant that I had not gone out to enjoy myself in a long time... just to "be". To be with others. I'm planning on going out this year - it may or may not happen - but that is the plan. To do things a little differently that I have been the past many years.

I might goto Calgary tomorrow... but I'm not yet sure. We shall see what happens today.

I will not drink today.

MLALOK

Shaktee, please help me out...I'm desperately trying to come to terms with my man's drinking. I don't understand. No one knew he was drinking, like you, a 'secret drinker' the doctors said at least a bottle of vodka a day. He was a clever, lovely, most decent sensitive man and I loved him so much, and I thought, well I know he loved me. He did tell me at one point that he wasn't coping too well with things, and when I asked why, he said he was drinking too much. He had his usual grin, and I didn't pick up on what he was maybe trying to tell me. I said well I eat too much chocolate, and kind of made light of it. I wish I'd have asked him how much was he drinking, but I honestly thought he meant maybe a glass of wine over the limit or something. I did say to him...is there anything I can do to help, and he replied 'no, there's nothing you can do to help.'

I never saw him drunk or nasty, though I know he shouted a lot with his ex wife, but never saw him with more than 1 glass. He was always so lovely to me, and we got on so damn well. But I now realise he would encourage me to go out by lunchtime, and he would never want to meet straight after work, so I think they were 2 key times when he needed to top up, but that's just me trying to work things out. We weren't living together. I always held back from that, even though he had suggested it a few times, but I just knew something wasn't quite right.

I'm sorry to pour all this out, but I'm wrecked with guilt, pain, loneliness and a thousand 'what ifs' If only I'd realised.

Please tell me Shaktee, What is going through the head of a secret drinker? I read your words, and feel that was how he must have been thinking.

He was to spend a week with his grown up kids up last July (06) and they phoned me to say he was in hospital. By the time I got up there he was already in a coma, and never came out of it. He died of alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver.

Today, everyone else seems to have gotten over it, but I'm still in complete turmoil, and no on e seems to want to talk about him. His kids didn't want anyone to know about his 'problem' so I'm limited to what I can say.

If only he'd tried like you. Your threads have given me some insight into his world, if only he'd been as strong as you. Please please give me some more thoughts as to why he did this.

Tazman53

MLALOK I was a secret drinker also, most alcoholics I know hid how much they actually drank, when I was drinking my wife would on occasion ask me how much I drank that day, well of course I would tell her "Oh I just had a couple." when in reality I may have already drank a 12 pack of beer or more.

Why did I lie to her and lie about how much I was drinking? Because I am an alcoholic, being a liar is part of the disease, heck we lie to our selfs, telling a lie to other people about our drinking is easy.

Alcoholism is the only disease where one of the symptoms of the disease is a denial of the disease. A diabetic does not deny they are a diabetic, nor does someone with cancer.

My condolances on your boy friend, all alcoholics stop drinking eventually, the majority of us stop due to one of the three following reasons:

1. Insanity
2. Institutionalized (Jail, prison, or insane asylum)
3. Death

Some of us find our bottoms before we hit the big 3 and get and remain sober.

I highly reccommend that you go to Alanon, there you will find people who are dealing with alcoholics in thier lifes and learning ways of living with an alcoholic, leaving an alcoholic, and recovering from what an alcoholic has done to thier lifes.

In Alanon you will learn that there is nothing you could have done to help him recover, you have no fault in his drinking what so ever. You will learn that you have no blame for his alcoholism or his not recovering.

Please go to Alanon, you need to recover just as badly as he needed to recover.

MLALOK

Thanks Taz. I need to get insight into the A's way of thinking, don't know why, but I feel it will clear my troubled mind a bit. To have never been able to try and help him is awful. To have never even been able to tell him how much he hurt us but we still loved him is awful.

Shaktee please keep posting here. Your thoughts are put very clearly and are so helpful. Good luck.

Is it even harder than usual during the so called festive season? Extra pressure etc...?

Tazman53

MLALOK I can tell you that for a person who is not an alcoholic to understand how an alcoholic thinks or why is like a woman trying to tell a man what it feels like to give birth, the only thing I will ever know is that it hurts, how it hurts and where it hurts I will never understand.

savoy

Sounds like a plan,

as long as I had a plan AA didn't work.
When I ran out of plans...because they all failed,
then I figgered what the heck try AA.

Its important to keep looking for a way.

shaktee

MLALOK,

It saddens me to know that some of what I write... you can relate to. It would comfort me a bit knowing that you were the alcoholic rather than.. having had dealt with the alcoholic. Because, if you were the drinker.. I could offer you some support and share in the struggle. But since you were the re-action to the drinker's actions.. I know how much you must be hurting. How much you were hurt. How confused you must be trying to figure out what the heck happened... was it him? was it you? was it something that happened?.... could it have been changed?

Truth is, my friend, you did nothing wrong... you did you best with someone who was damaged and could not share that ache. Sometimes.. I think I carry around my own private ache, one that is of no consequence to anyone but myself. Behind these brown eyes, my soul is on fire... and drinking quenches that fire.

Taz is right - we are great liars and we constantly lie to ourselves. I think about myself, and I'd say that I am also very selfish. I think mainly about myself... for otherwise, why would I do what I used to do? I'd care more about myself and my needs than about others.

My girlfriend at the time was a great woman. Oh God, how wonderful she is. She would let me drink with a sadness in her eyes because she knew it was something I wanted. One could argue that that was bad... but what kind of woman sacrifices her own desires and needs to make someone else happy? She tried to get me to quit several times, but really, it was out of her control because she knew I would do what I wanted. Yet still, she stuck by me, hoping that things would work out. Hoping that she could make it better.

The problem wasn't her... the problem was me. And it hurts me soo much to know that when we broke up and I moved away (because I couldn't handle the depression and drinking) she thought it was because it was her and that she did something wrong. I remember one time, a few months ago, we were talking on the phone she said "If you really had loved me, you wouldn't have left me." Oh.. after we hung up, how I cried. If she only knew how much I truly love and care for her. I know I hurt her a lot. She was a strong, independent, smart, fun women before she met me.. before I started drinking. Life was great. But a series of events in my life led to where I was, and I couldn't open up to her. I started drinking. I left her, broken hearted, isolated and hurt. I don't doubt that she would take me back... but she deserves someone better than the man I am right now. I wish she could see that. In my fall, I took parts of her down with me. Oh how, that will continue to pain me so.

See the thing is... I used to look for a way out. A way out of dealing with things, facing things, of responsibility. The bottle was the way out. Knowing that I hurt her and couldn't give her what she needed, made me want to drink more. It's self destruction at it's best. We conditioned ourselves to be this way. We must break the conditioning for something better. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too. Optimism opens possibilities whereas pessimism closes them.

There are no words to make you understand. There are no words to comfort you. There is just a vacancy left that wants to be filled. No matter how you fill it... it will always be there.. and it will always want to be filled.

Although I used to goto AA and it wasn't right for me at the time... I think down my path, shortly here, there will be a time when it will be right for me. I also think Taz's suggestion that you go... would be great for you. It will not help change things of the past... but it may help with the sorrow that you carry in your tears.

I did not drink last night, and I will not drink today.

Good luck, God bless and please... keep in touch.
:ghug3

MLALOK

I just did you a long reply, and it's disappeared somewhere.

Taz - thanks, a strange comparison - although I do see where you're coming from - but giving birth is natural whereas pouring poison into your body isn't. I may never understand the A's mind, but I have to try as best I can.

I will never ever have even 1 chance of asking him why.

Shaktee - your words are so clear and really help me, giving an insight into how it is from your angle. Please keep posting. I'm scared to say well done in case it's tempting fate, but I guess each day sober for you is a great victory. I feel for you and also for your ex girlfriend. Have you considered sending her your posts from here, they may help her understand some of the pain you've gone through. You explain it very clearly. It sounds like you had a good relationship, why blow it for drink. Would my man have done that if I'd been aware? I'll never find out, but I expect so.
I guess keeping busy is good for you, it is for me. I'm dreading the whole festive thing, but what can you do? Got to go on. Just keep your posts coming, with your thoughts etc... please. You couldn't believe how much they help. Take care.

Miss Pink

Shaktee,

That reply to Mlalok has to be the most eloquent, honest heart-opening share I have ever heard...in my life.

I have been to thousands of AA and Al-anon meetings and I have never heard any alcholic ever say it the way you did....what a gift you gave every family member who has ever loved an alcoholic or addict!

You said what we always thought was true, but couldnt quite believe. To hear you say it.......knocks my socks off. If you give me permission, I would *LOVE* to re-post in on the friends/family forum.....You will give all of them hope and help to read your words....