Tazman53

As insane as this sounds, for an alcoholic, consuming alcohol is natural, it is our initial solution to all the problems in our lifes, if we are shy sober a few drinks and we are able to talk to any one, if we are scared a few drinks and the fear is gone, when we have a problem we have a few drinks and they go away, that is just the way we naturally think, it is the disease.

Well said Shaktee, I too found the solution to the pain I knew I was causing to those who loved me in the very same bottle that was causing them and me the pain. It made no sense then and less sense now, but for many years all of my solutions lay in drinking, no matter the emotion I was experiencing at the time, the logical way to deal with it was to drink, even when I did not want to drink, I would drink because I wanted to stop drinking. The shame and self hatred I had because I could not stop drinking I tried to make go away by drinking more!

The disease of alcoholism takes the most sane and logical of us when it comes to all other things in our lifes to a form of insanity where even when we know the pain and grief our drinking brings to our self and others some how our minds twist things in such a way that drinking seems to be the answer to our problems when in reality it is a major player in our problems.

MLALOK

" but what kind of woman sacrifices her own desires and needs to make someone else happy? "
...Shaktee...a woman who cares deeply about you. I loved my man and would have tried anything had I been given the chance. When you love someone you love the whole package, wooden leg glass eye the lot. I guess at some point logic takes over, being cruel to be kind, stopping enabling I think it's called.
You and Taz speak of the same things, but describe them quite differently, and yet both give such insight into this strange world.
Taz - my man was a highly intelligent (ex Cambridge) professional with a successful business and very well thought of both professionally and socially. To watch him 'work' a table or a room was quite something. And yet, as his daughter said, in the 3 years we were together, I probably never saw him sober. What a waste of a good man.

Hope you're doing ok Shaktee. Keep us posted. I have a different set of demons to you, but caused by the same thing. Life is a mystery at times.

Tazman53

So true, alcoholism is a family disease, mine is still recovering along with me.

MLALOK

Taz..Does your family, or have they in the past, attended Al Anon?

shaktee

Miss Pink - If these words have meaning to you, than they are more yours than mine.

MLALOK - That woman deserves better things in life than I can give her, as much as she may desires that they come from me. I do not know how to say this... but she is better off without me. Who knows what the future holds.

I do not know what to say. At the moment I have a few choices which will dictate the path forward. I have two really great job offers... neither of which I have to take. But there are a lot of factors to take into account.

Often, it does not matter what happens in life.... it matters more what you do about it.

Right now... I am sipping on some wine. I am sorry. So sorry. I don't know why but I can't help it.. for some reason no matter how well things get, it's almost as if I want to ruin them. And for some reason, knowing that.. makes me laugh.

Today, is day 0.

All my best.

sugErspun

What are you apologizing for? If you can't help it you may need something else to help you instead.

If you are serious about needing and wanting to quit.

It's right there if you want it.

shaktee

You are right.

Maybe it's a part of me which won't let people in. Maybe it's a part of me that can't do it alone.... and maybe, knowing that is a bit scary.

The choice is mine.

Thanks Suger.

RufusACanal

shaktee,

I have read each post in this thread and continue to marvel at the many hands extended to you; a community of caring for one man.

It's 4pm on Tuesday. I drank again last night... for no reason.

I can drink a 26 bottle of vodka myself in one night.

And I soon will have no job, little money and very few friends.

I have not given 100% to anything in life, not even myself.

I need to stop drinking and salvage what I can of my life. I need to do this. I want to do this.

I want to be a good man.

I've lost weight... am losing my hair, losing my eyesight and am losing myself respect.

I have choice in what I want to do - so I want to turn a new leaf.

Yes, yesterday was my last day at work... I decided I needed a change, the work was not interesting and I wanted a new job, so I had given my notice.

As I don't have a job right now, I have lots of leisure time.

Today, since the weather is sour, and I don't have much to do... I really want a drink.

I really, really want a drink today.

I find that I spend my time by myself.

While walking I will think about the things I want in life and things I want to do that day.

I really wanted to drink yesterday.

I'm bored out of my mind.

I need to get out of the house as well, as I didn't leave it yesterday.

I don't know if I'm an alki.

Sometimes, I start my day with a drink.

A few times I've had a drink and then gone to work.

Truth is, I don't really know what I want.

Last night I wanted to cry a lot... thinking that it's Saturday night and most everyone is out with friends or family... enjoying life and I am at home, by myself

I haven't worked out the past 5 days

Although I used to go to AA and it wasn't right for me at the time.

Right now, I am sipping on some wine. I am sorry. So sorry. I don't know why but I can't help it.. for some reason no matter how well things get, it's almost as if I want to ruin them.


Thought you might want to see your comments in a different light. When you are ready to stop drinking, I would be happy to help, but not until you are ready. Take care. R

shaktee

Thank you.

I love you guys. And you know, I'm sad that I can't actually give you a hug. But please know... you mean more to me than anything. It's sad in a way, because we've never seen each other, nor talked in real life. But really.. you've been honest and I appreciate that. And I've never been as honest to people in real life as I have been with this keyboard, this monitor... and with you.

I was thinking today, that I used to frequently say that today... is today, and tomorrow I will stop drinking. But, tomorrow never comes, until it is too late.

I will check into AA.

May life bless you all.

MLALOK

Yes Shaktee, this is an incredible site, such openness and heartpouring from us all. And we accept each other as we are, wooden legs glass eyes the lot.
We're scattered around the world, and yet together here, and wanting so much to help each other, learn, share our anxieties, pool our resources etc.

I wonder if my man tried to stop drinking at all. He said he was shy, and yet he never seemed it. Did I never really know him at all? And yet we shared so much together. Such a talented, decent loving man. How dare alcohol ruin someone so special. I feel so betrayed, and yet through all the pain of him dying, I'm so grateful and so much the richer for having known and loved him.

I'm going to go to AlAnon in the New Year.

Tazman53

MLALOK, yes they did for a while, but my wife is one of those people who has always been able without any support to let go and let God! She loves me with all her heart, but she has always kept her self and the kids ahead of everything else, she did not let my drinking destroy her life and was in the process of saving the kids from me when I finally quit drinking. My wife is a big fan of alanon because she says it does help lots of people learn how to not let an alcoholic run/ruin their lifes. SHe says it teachs them that they can still love the alcoholic without sacrifising thier own lifes, they learn to live thier lifes for them and not to dwell on what a disease is doing or has done to a loved one.

Shaktee, you can give us a hug.... a real hug! Go to that AA meeting, you will find people just like us there who are just as loving, supportive, and understanding as we are, I have found in AA that no matter where I go I can walk into an AA meeting and know every single person there even though I have never met them before in my life.

Oh yes you will love AA, you will find people that hide nothing in the rooms of AA, they tell it like it was and like it is for them today! I am not different here then I am in person today and I owe that to AA. If you would like to meet me or anyone else here like me then go to an AA meeting, we are there in spirit at least.

Good firm handshakes, hugs, understanding nods, an occasional appropiate wink, and most importantly, the Experience, Hope, & Strength of a group of millions of sober alcoholics whose primary purpose is to stay sober and to help other alcoholics get and stay sober.