ccirider

Hi Krissy:

I have to check this thread every day to see how you are doing, and I want you to know that you are in my thoughts. You have come a long way baby, as they say. You may be afraid of what he is thinking, but if you look back on it, you were afraid of a lot of things in the beginning. You were afraid to go to the meetings, you were afraid to say something at the meetings, etc. You are facing your fears, and the more you do it, the more comfortable you become doing it. Ask your Dad for his support and encouragement and don't worry about what he might think. You don't have any control over that, anyway. Take away the "en" from encourage and what do you have? You have displayed a lot of courage here, and I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we will never give up on you, even if you have a relapse, as long as you don't give up on yourself. So long for now Krissy. Please keep us updated, won't you?

Peace.

Miss Pink

your are very inspiring to me, Krissy.....keep posting here, I love to follow your recovery.

You rock!

Krissy2007

Thanks everyone! How are you Dee? I will pop over in your thread in a second.

Today was good. I went to a noon meeting and my young friend was there (from the first night). We had a nice chat and he told me to be sure to call if I ever needed to go get a cup of coffee or chat or anything. This meeting was good - it seemed different somehow, not sure what it was. Mainly older people. Probably won't be my favorite meeting (I already am picking favorites!) but will certainly be one I go to because it is a good time and my mom has Fridays off most of the time and can babysit.

I do have to say I am contemplating going back out to a meeting tonight. It is 7:15 and there is a beginners meeting at 7:30 - probably missed that. There is an 8:00 one not too far away - maybe I will venture out. I am not sure. Part of me just wants to cuddle up with my jammies and my husband and watch a movie. And actually watch the whole thing!

We went out to dinner tonight with my dad and stepmom and grandma and aunt and niece. When I ordered a soda my dad said, "I'm the only one drinking tonight?" I think that is when he realized the reason I asked him to babysit might be AA. I don't remember the last time we went out to eat and I didn't order a beer. Apparently neither did he.

After dinner, my dad and stepmom and niece came over (my son wanted to play with my niece for a little while) and I asked my parents, "So you want to know where I am going Monday?" My dad said, "Only if you want to tell me." I said, "Where do you THINK I am going?" And, he said, "AA?" I said yes. They said, "That's good - if you think you need it." I said I did. I asked him how much he thought I drank at night and he said "You always have a beer in your hand - maybe a 6 pack?" I shook my head and said no. He said, "Then you belong in AA." They said they would support me, discussed everyone in my mom's family who is an alcoholic ("You must have gotten it from her side..."), and that was it.

So, everyone who needs to know now knows. There will be more people (other friends, extended family, my in laws) who will know eventually, but my "circle of trust" (lol) knows. So, that is good.

I also got a TON accomplished today. As I ticked off everything I did, my husband was like, "Man, what got into you?" I just had much more energy and a babysitter for a few hours!

A good day.

Day 5!

Dee_Sober4today

Krissy..that is AWESOME!! (I'm getting these smilies down!) Go to as many meetings as you can girl but definitely spend some time with hubby.he sounds like a good man. You're are a lucky girl that you have so much support! Now you have people that you're accountable to..makes going back to drinking that much harder.
It's gonna be really hard for me to tell my parents since I've been addicted to something most of my life. They know I have a problem. My mom has a definite problem but she would never admit it. She doesn't drink every day, but when she does she gets loaded!! Plus she's got all the other symptoms of this disease. So, getting back to YOU..glad your dad took it so well!!
It sounds like you're doing everything right. Keep it up, girlfriend!

redbear

I have the most loving mother in someways. i felt very loved by her and i know she didn't know she was doing this but her drinking really hurt me. she was a different person after her 4 beer, needless to say she drank a 12+ per night...some nights were good, some were bad. now that i'm all grown up, i can say i wished she stopped way back then, i wish she would stop now...it has effected in alot of ways and am getting counselling for it, yes it can get that bad...i worry about your kids as i worried about mine in my firght with drugs. I wanted to get to the point where i did needed to be stoned so i could play with my daughters...it was not fair to them...i have quit several times and fallen off the wagon to...keep up the meetings, you will find great people and you are one of them. i am very proud of you for taking the steps, take care of yourself, your husband and your kids. don't axcept yourself to go back to before you drank, i don't think i works out that way, you are going to find a happier you, find your happiness and take care.

redbear

lostmdboy

Hey Krissy youo talk of going to meetings, but have you picked up a big book? If not I am sure it will answer even more quetions for you, and also give you a lot of guisence.

Krissy2007

Thank you! Good luck with telling your parents - they were the hardest for me to tell.

I do have an incredible support system. I am very lucky. I think that is what makes the alcoholism so hard to admit though. I mean, I had no tangible reason to drink - I have everything - good kids, a wonderful husband with a great job, parents who would do anything for me, lots of friends, an education, a good career when I am ready to go back (hopefully!). I can picture my friends/family sitting at home saying, "Why on earth would she be an alcoholic? She has no REAL problems."

Of course, intellectually, I know that the problem is inside of me, that it is bigger than my circumstances, but it doesn't make it any easier in practice.

Krissy2007

Hi John. I did get that book, and the 12 and 12. I have started reading the Big Book. I also picked up a couple of books from the Library - Beyond the Influence and the autobiography of Bill W. Thanks!

I went to the meeting last night. I met two more great women. They were super nice and we chatted a bit after (and I got their numbers). This will be a nice meeting to go to I think.

I have one today at 11. Looking forward to it! Then we are going to try and get the Christmas lights up, I am making a big dinner, and maybe we will get our tree up. I want to keep busy!

fabio-yo

Krissy, I think you and I are leading parallel lives. Thank you for being here. Thank GOD for everybody being here. I too drink in the evening. I get off work at 2:30 pm, usually stop off at the liquor store (they know me really well there), and grab whatever I can afford. Lately it's been 1500 ml of wine - but not the cheap stuff though - I do have standards I go home, let my dogs out for a pee, come back in and open up the poison. I almost can't do it fast enough. And then I drink until I pass out. I even had to rotate my liquor stores so it wouldn't look suspicious. I was missing work because of either still being drunk or having a massive hangover. I was having debilitating nightmares, uncontrollable crying, feelings of intense fear, and extreme loneliness. I hated myself and what I'd become. I used to be such a high achiever, though I've always been addicted to something. Food, sex, men, booze, cigarettes, loveless relationships, anything to take the focus off the other person living inside me. Last week I decided to quit smoking and drinking. I did great for about 5 days. Then I bought some wine, and a few cigarettes, engaged in some promiscious activity, and decided to pick my ass up again today and try again. Like you guys, I too dream about my next drink. I salivate just thinking about it. I used to do that with food. Go into a trance. It's a really f** up way to be. But good luck to you. I'm going through the same battle.

k

Krissy2007

So, the rest of the day was kind-of tough. I went to the morning meeting - it was ok.

My kids were fighting and not listening all day, my husband got snippy with me this morning, and at 2:00 all I could think about was beer. Then, my husband went to drop off the kids at my parents (they are spending the night) and to get take out for dinner. When he came back, he told me my dad saw my friend Jeanne (the one with the Christmas party) at the Y today, and they talked about me and decided I needed to go to the party to socialize (but not drink). They are going to talk about it with me after Church tomorrow (we are going out to breakfast). Well, that made me angry. They don't "get it."

So, I was feeling angry and annoyed, so I went to another meeting. And, the chair asked if I wanted to pick a topic, so I shared about that. I got a lot of great input, and met a bunch of great people, and I felt good that I shared, but I still feel unsettled right now. Luckily, it is just about bed time, and tomorrow is another day.

sugErspun

selfish? The only way you can ever expect to have lasting sobriety is going to be through helping others. If you think recovery is about 'self', it may be worthwhile to take a look at your value system. Whoever is telling you that recovery is a selfish act has it all wrong. Are they not being unselfish (i.e. helping you) by giving advice?

My skin crawls when I hear about the selfishness of it all. I have been selfish and concerned with self and self-seeking my entire life. To think that my life can radically change through the same values (seflishness, self-centeredness) is not really changing at all. There would be no hope.

fabio-yo

hey, that's not what I mean by selfishness. I only mean it in the way to get better is to focus on helping yourself, instead of putting yourself last, like we sometimes do. Sorry if I offended you.

sugErspun

Not offended at all... just wanted to state my opinion on selfishness. I hear people say recovery is a selfish process, which has not been my experience. I have witnessed many people who have gone back out to drinking because they didn't like what was be asked of them, or didn't 'feel good' etc etc- They often said "This is a selfish process" hence, they thought their thoughts about it, their way of doing it (all tied to the notion of self) would keep them sober somehow...

We help ourselves by helping others. Taking action is what it is all about.

Dee_Sober4today

Hi Krissy my friend,
I hope to hear from you soon.
Unfortunately people don't "get it" most times if they're not involved in the process.
Stick to your guns. It's YOUR Life you're trying to save. They'll come around and they'll have to learn by example through YOU. What's best for you is what You think is best and by following what your HP is telling you. If you don't feel comfortable right now about the Christmas party don't go. YOU know best. Bringing it up in the meeting was the right thing to do. I'm sure there were a number of people there who have gone through similar situations and could give you some insight.
I'm going to a 7:30 meeting and bringing my son. When I come home I hope you have checked in.

Denise

Zanthos

Hey Krissy, it's great to hear you're getting into meetings and the literature! Not every meeting is going to be amazing, and not every day is one you're going to be feeling great. It took me a long time to get more accustomed to life without alcohol, especially getting through the "not so great times" since I couldn't control how I felt by drinking.

The Steps make it possible for me to stay sober. Without them, my thoughts, feelings and behavior would not have changed. Alcohol was only symptom of the problem. The problem was my attitudes and expectations towards the world around me and the people in it. The Steps showed me how to live in a way that was healthy and open to further growth and change.

By the way, for at least five months after I started going to meetings, I cried in meetings a LOT. I had a lifetime of pain and discontent that I had hid away. Hid away from both myself and others. I took literally AA's teaching that honesty was essential to recovery. So I didn't pretend I was feeling OK when I wasn't. And I didn't hide the intensity of my feelings when I felt them. In AA, it was safe for me to get honest with myself and others about how I felt, and in the beginning that involved a lot of sadness, fear, and frustration, as well as the simple shock of living without alcohol.

Looking back, I'm so glad I wasn't embarrassed to cry. I'm not sure I'd still be in recovery if I started out by hiding how I felt and keeping it bottled away.

paulmh

Hey Krissy, great thread! Glad you're here!

Krissy2007

Update - yesterday I went to a meeting in the evening. I shared a little bit, which really does help. I took my son to church (he is making his first communion this year - we have been kind-of lax in our faith as a family, but this all seems to fit in very well with the AA stuff) with my stepmom and my niece. We sat with my friend (who is having the party) and her kids, then went out to breakfast. My friend told me that she felt I should come to the party for a little bit - it would be good for me. I was firm, but kind, and told her I knew what was good for me and going to the party was not it right now. I am not sure I could have sounded so sure if I hadn't shared about it at the meeting the night before. I did some work in the afternoon (I own an internet kid's toy store, but I am ready to get out of that and back into the career world, hopefully in the next year or so, but I am taking it slow - don't want too much change at once!), made dinner, did laundry, etc. Then I went to the meeting.

So, it was a good day - and I felt strange not drinking all weekend - but I felt proud too.

Today the kids are home (snow day!), so my long to do list will have to wait. I always make cookies on snow days. Do you think it is ok to bring cookies to the meeting tonight? I don't want to overstep boundaries if it is someone else's job...

My husband went away today - he will be back Wednesday night. My dad is supposed to sit tonight with the kids so I can go to a meeting. So, that is what is going on today.


ETA again - Last night at the meeting, this man shared. He talked about how he had gone to the meetings many years ago and he realized he hadn't hit bottom yet - he didn't drink nearly as much as the other people in the room. He then said how recently he started drinking a lot more, and he was up to 10 - 12 beers in a night - and he said it like it was a thousand. This was a rough looking older guy. I was sitting there with my preppy sweater looking like the PTA mom thinking, "I drank more than that guy." It was such a sobering thought. I have been sitting here thinking on and off like maybe, just maybe I am not an alcoholic, but then I hear something like that and it reminds me I really am. I am not an alcohol abuser - I really am powerless.
ETA - today is one week.

Dee_Sober4today

Congratulations Krissy!
It was sooo good to hear from you.
I always thought that if you think you may be an alcoholic...you probably are!!!
I don't know about the cookies. I'm just like you..lol. My first thought wouldn't be "Let me bring these cookies and share with my friends!" It would be "gee, would I be doing something wrong if I brought these cookies?" LOL...gotta get the old pros on SR's advice on that one!
Be careful these next few days with your husband gone. You seem very determined. Please stay that way!
I feel like you're my SR soul sister in all this. I hope one day we can both post our stories on the year or more sober forum!
I'm going to a meeting at 2PM and then I have to go buy an interview suit (yuck). I gained so much weight in the last 4 years I just hate the way I look and shopping is not fun. Could even be a trigger for me so I gotta stay strong.
Catholic, huh? I'm a recovering catholic..lol. 8 years of Catholic school. We are now just Christians.
First communion is such a special time for a child.
I'm glad you stood your ground with your friend. I think if they see you're really serious...they'll take you more serious.
Have a wonderful snow day!!

Denise

Steve58

Hi Krissy,

Glad to see you posting good news. It's a tough time of year to quit, thats for sure. I had to pass on an annual part next Sat, just not a good time for me to be around all that alcohol, so dont feel bad for knowing yourself and doing whats best for you.

Congrats to you, too Dee. Dont worry about the weight right now, one thing at a time. If you stick with it, you will find it much easier to lose weight without the extra 500-1500 calories a night.

Have a great day!
S

Tazman53

LOL More the merrier!!!! Keep in mind that there are no rules in AA.

Krissy I want to thank you for this whole thread, your journey into sobriety has choked me up more then once.

Krissy as you get more time sober and start to work and live the steps the miracle will happen, for some of us it comes slowly, for others quickly, but if we work at it, the miracle will come. The urge/need to drink will be lifted and as long as we maintain our spiritual condition it will remain lifted.

I was one of the ones that it came quickly for, the miracle happened for me after only 2 1/2 months, I was able to go to Thanksgiving dinner at the in-laws and at first no one was drinking out of respect for me, I was able to tell them that is was fine if they did drink and thanked the for thinking of me. Later in the day my brother-in-law was getting the shakes pretty bad (He is one of the few people I have ever known who drank more then me), I told him to get a drink, he said "Nah, I don't need one." 5 minutes later he had a beer in a colored water glass and after about 3-4 he quit shaking! Just seeing him enforced the fact that I did not need or want a drink.

The only thing I still get an urge/craving for on occassion is a cigarette! I quit smoking a year to the day after I quit drinking. The doctor told me not to try quitting both at the same time!

The above brought a tear to my eye, my wife had no idea how much I was drinking, but she did know it was to much, she was shocked when I told her the truth along with a lot of others. But I have a feeling you are going to find out that every single person you are worried about telling will be just as supportive as the ones I was scared to tell were.

Churchill said it best "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!" Once we over come the fear and become honest with our selfs and the world we begin the journey of overcoming our alcoholism.

I saw you mentioned something about the amount being drank as being a possible determining factor as to whether one was an alcoholic or not. Well you showed a great deal of growth by acknowledging that quanity drank does not equate to whether one is an alcoholic or not.

I have heard it said it is not how much we drank or how long we drank that determines that, but what happens to us when we drink and I have to agree with that 100%.

I actually have cut back on sharing how long or how much I drank for fear of leading someone who is an alcoholic into beleiving they may not be because they didn't drink as much or as often as some one else.

I wish I had known years before I quit what an alcoholic really was because I had all the hallmark symptoms of it when I was 15 or 16 years old.