bostonluv

I just wanted to share about an unpleasant experience I had at last night's AA meeting. It's a group I like that meets outside at night by a fire pit. In fact, I had been thinking I would just go to this group twice a week instead of the daily meetings at different places. So I brought my cookies to the meeting and ran into the same man that had given me books and literature my first time there. He railroaded me. Bombarded me with questions, embarassed me and wouldn't leave me alone. When I tried to shake him, he said, I know I'm pushy but that's what AA is all about. Huh? No one there intervined and so when he left for the bathroom, I escaped to my car. I don't see how I can ever go back and it was the only meeting I felt truly comfortable in. Well, until last night. I thought once I was sober the humiliation part of my life would be over! Ha...Anyway, no more AA meetings for me for awhile or possibly forever. I thought this post might be a reminder to some of you to help a newcomer out if they're backed into a corner by someone pushy.

snowgoose

bostonluv, thanks for sharing this. I think my posts have said repeatedly that there can be problems with individuals at AA meetings. You gotta figure we're all either alcoholics or recovering from other substance abuse (and of course usually alcoholic at AA) and they say in the rooms that we have "broken copers". It's just about guaranteed that there will be some with problems that will impact upon you. I wish I were closer; I'd offer to be your temporary sponsor. A decent sponsor would make all the difference in helping you with this situation. You are at a tender time in sobriety. And the temptation to use this as an excuse to drink will be there.

The behavior you describe is just plain inappropriate. This is especially true if you are female, which I can't remember but somehow was thinking you are. We've had personality problems in our rooms and it generally has taken some time for people in groups to identify them, but once we know who may be inappropriate, we've watched over newcomers to see this kind of thing does not happen.

I had several embarrassing encounters at meetings in early sobriety. Quite a few, actually. Some were a real barrier to continuing to go to meetings. But my desire to achieve sobriety was greater than my horror at the things that happened. It was a struggle, but it says, "If you want what we have, you'll go to any lengths to get it."

Snowgoose is rootin' for ya!

laurenlanai25

i completely understand! but for me i couldnt judge a whole group on one member, if i would do that i would never go to any meetings either! and for me not to go to aa means to drink again and i definitely dont want that either! i had to learn to set boundaries with people, which was sometimes difficult to do! i had to really learn the saying "take what u need and leave the rest" if i would have judged every meeting because of someone i didnt like i would have missed out on alot of great people and alot of wisdom! question for you? how many times at a bar was there someone you didnt like? or at work? did you still go back? jsut food for thought!

good luck

Barto

It is plainly stated in our book that AA is a program of attraction rather than promotion. Shame on this guy. I bet if you told some others what happened you’d get some help.

GrouchoTheCat

That person acted in an extremely innapropriate manner. He probably has some serious problems. Just think of him as someone who is sick.

Please don't let this incident dissuade you from meetings. It has been my experience that this sort of thing is rare and in the meetings that I attend, would not be tolerated.

Being new in sobriety can be a really hard road to travel, there will be potholes but as time goes on there will be fewer and fewer.

Ted

Astro

I've come across a few whacko's at my meetings, please don't let one person set the impression for the rest of the group. Just keep in mind that some of us are sicker than others. If you like that meeting, keep going and if he approaches you again tell him to back off.

Signal30

bostonluv...

I had a bad experience at a meeting once. When I speak, depending on the topic, I tend to use language that is not exactly G-rated, (I'm getting better at toning it down.). Well, a fellow member spoke during a meeting saying that I needed to watch my language, and pointed me out saying my name specificially in front of the entire group. Needless to say I was extremely pissed. I pulled that fellow aside and explained to him that I was sorry if the language offended him, and that if he had an issue with me, that he should talk to me in private about it, rather than just call me out in front of the entire group. It was disrespectful. Anyway, his response was, "Were in a church, and it's disrespectful to use language like that". Then he even topped it off with making the comment, "You know, I used to be like you."

Oh yeah. Well my comment was, "Well that's your opinion". "I just wish next time that you show a little respect towards others and have some manners." He just looked at me.

I stopped going to that meeting for a few weeks. I did still go to a meeting at the same day and time. Just not that one. Eventually I 4th stepped it and got over it, and returned to that meeting again. Now when I see that guy, he takes every attempt possible to avoid me.

I recommend that you don't stop going to all meetings just because of one person. Just don't go to that specific one for a while.

The disease of alcoholism LOVES situations like these. It gives the disease an opportunity to get you to relapse. And most relapses start with not going to meetings anymore. The resentments build up. and old habits come back.

A habit that can kill you.

Tom

SaTiT

Obviousely some of us are sicker than others.
and there's not well people in AA...oh but you know " I'm not like them".lol
I mean ... it dose say "no lecture to endure" but some of us are hard on hearing.lmao
Protect myself of course.

I do have to be careful never the less. I make all kinds of excusses to drink
and why AA is not for me at a drop of a dime. I mean it's not like I've
never gotten into a bar fight..mmm I never swear not to go to a bar, any
bar again ever and never, just becuase I got into miss-understanding.lol
But I'm an alki with an alcoholic mind.

Or perhapse it's just a test or life's little lesson that the universe sends me.
Am I really seriouse about this getting sober bussiness ?
Do i realy want it ?

I don't know, I think alot of of us if not everyone of us had a similar experience.
Nobody...is keeping me away from AA.

There's tools, that was passed on to me by oldtimers how to handle
certain events.lol I had to be taught how to be appropricate sometimes
of how to handle those AA nazi.lmao

" THANK YOU 4 CARING, SCREW U 4 SHARING"

Astro

Thanks for bringing that up, Tom. I was actually contemplating that this morning. Not going to meetings anymore. I needed to hear that reminder.

snowgoose

Very excellent, so well said. Had to quote it again for emphasis. Thanks, Tom.

GlassPrisoner

This is your life we're talking about. Just because someone is there that makes you uncomfortable, does that mean you don't get to recover ?!?!?

Would you stay out of a life raft simply because you didn't like someone else that was in it ?

There are sick people everywhere. As there are pushy people, know it alls, braggarts and BSers. AA is no exception.

I'd go back to the meeting, look for the crowd that's got the serinity going and some good sobriety and time. They're easy to spot. They'll be more than glad to take you under their wings. In other words, stick with the winners.,

bostonluv

I don't know any of you all but I value your thoughts and advice so much. I will seriously consider going back to that meeting on Thursday. And if this man were to approach me again I could just gently tell him to give me some space. I just wasn't mentally prepared for the confrontation yesterday and my natural response was, I don't need this sh#t, forget AA. Thank you for your insights.

tiburon88

I relate to your post. I would call him a AA "bully". They are at many meetings where I go and it seems like the only thing they have in life IS AA.

Tazman53

Lauren that is so very true, I think back on some of the real A-holes I dealt with in bars over the years, it never stopped me from going back there to get drunk! Just like in a bar you will find fools in the rooms of AA that are far sicker then the rest of us.

bostonluv the vast majority of the A-holes to be found in the rooms of AA are those who are not working a program or are still holding a lot of resentments. There is a sprinkling of old timers who can be a bit obnoxious, a rare few who are real jerks, but once again they have not been working thier program.

People who are spiteful, mean, obnoxious or jealous in AA are for the most part not even trying to work a program, they are simply dry drunks. People who are working a good program with a sponsor you will find are not resentful, obnoxious, or boastful.

Do not let a few bad apples in the bushel of recovery keep you away.

CarolD

Hi bostonluv....
I'm so pleased that you will return to a meeting you like.
Super...

I suggest you stay around the women
and if you can
share what happened with them.

Chances are they will tell the man to "shove it"

We certainly do around here when any newcomer is bothered.
That usually stops unwanted attention.

Anyway....you earned your AA chair
keep it warm. Blessings

mike_mass

...and most bullies are cowards. The guy will probably back down if you look him in the eye and tell him you'll call the police if he comes near you again.

Bananaman

I've fast-forwarded through this thread because I identify with the annoying person bostonluv mentioned, so if I'm repeating anything someone else said I apologise. I have an obsessive personality. (No, I'm completely normal :-))

Once I have an idea in my head that's it. On and on and on and more and more and more.

I don't mean to annoy, but I do. My girlfriend says I'm worst when I'm messing about with my guitar trying to write songs. I just go on and on till I've got the tune or fall asleep. One or the other, but in the meanwhile I drive everyone crazy, usually in a 'hey, pete, shut up already' sort of way, but sometimes in a "hey, really, enough" sort of way.

I don't mean to do it and I doubt bostonluv's friend meant it either. We're just trying to do our best but get it wrong sometimes.

Bananaman.

SaTiT

i don't think most of AA members intentionaly tries to hurt anyone on purpose.
It's just the personality thing. And sometimes we put too much expectations
on AA..mmm what do you know an alki with expectations.lol

We come into AA so beaten and after we get well...you know, we
wanna give back or tried to help and it just comes out all wrongs
sometimes. Plus working on someone else problems is always a plus
And there a garden full of alkies.

I know this much thou, as mush as some of AA members might get on
my nerves at times. i know truly deep down inside they really do care about me.
Sometimes i get told what I don't want to hear, sometimes i do.
The nice lady that passed on some good sets of tools to me, on a good day
she'll tell me off too.lol

At least they're saying something to me. The truth is, most if not everybody
outside of recovery don't say a damn thing to me and can careless what happens to
me. i mean i watched my life fall apart in front of my eyes. I think most people
saw i had a problem long before I did.

Bananaman

I know that one. You just sit there with a storm going on around you and it crumbles bit by bit. Amazing isn't it?

Bananaman.

*amelia*

I agree with most of your replies boston...go back to the meeting again, hang out with the women and tell that guy to shove it. NOONE should have the power to interfere with your recovery in a negative way...don't give him that power.
Amelia x