mike_mass

Hi,

I've been sober almost 17 years now...have worked the steps. Have not had much success as a sponsor but have raised three great kids in sobriety and have a good marriage. My issue now that the kids are starting to go off to college is that I feel that I have done my job and deserve to maybe drink once again.

Knowing my past and the health issues I had because of drinking (pancreatitis, ulcers) I know that drinking again would be insanity. But one part of me says that life will be boring when the kids are gone and I deserve a break now and then. Maybe I can moderate somehow.

Anyone else struggling/have struggled with this, even with long-term sobriety? I still go to meetings, up to 3 a week and do not have much stress in my life. It's just strange how the urges have gotten stronger over the last few years.

Any comments, opinions, advice are welcome.

Thanks

Peter

Remember the "businessman and the carpetslippers " story from the BB ?


"A man of thirty was doing a great deal of spree drinking. He was very nervous in the morning after these bouts and quieted himself with more liquor. He was ambitious to succeed in business, but saw that he would get nowhere if he drank at all. Once he started, he had no control whatever. He made up his mind that until he had been successful in business and had retired, he would not touch another drop. An exceptional man, he remained bone dry for twenty-five years and retired at the age of fifty-five, after a successful and happy business career. Then he fell victim to a belief which practically every alcoholic has - that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink as other men. Out came his carpet slippers and a bottle. In two months he was in a hospital, puzzled and humiliated. He tried to regulate his drinking for a while, making several trips to the hospital meantime. Then, gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not. Every means of solving his problem which money could buy was at his disposal. Every attempt failed. Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years."

parentrecovers

i'm not an alcoholic, but i sure understand that "empty nest" feeling...

it gets easier. and they do come back for breaks - a lot

blessings, k

Jfanagle

I have just about half of your sobriety, 8 years, and when out with a lady who I have dated for the past while I too think that I "deserve" a glass of the Merlot that she is able to enjoy.

Truth is both of us do in fact "deserve" a drink, but CAN WE AFFORD THE PRICE? I have my degree in economics and I remember the maxim that THINGS COST WHAT WE GIVE UP TO GET THEM. If we are ready to give up the good home life, the love of family, the respect of our fellows and more importantly the "self respect" then we are ready to pay the price of the drink that we "deserve."

I have to remember that not only do I "deserve" a drink, but sadly I also will "deserve" the results that the drink will bring.

You deserve the freedom that children well raised and a life lived responsibly brings. Go out and enjoy that freedom. Take a walk and breathe in the world around you.

Best wishes,
Jon

Barto

You say you have worked the steps. Does that mean you have stopped? I was taught that you have to give it away to keep it – and that you don’t have to be called “sponsor” to carry the message. In fact, I think it's better for the ego to do works without recognition. Steps 10-12 can be worked / taken forever and continually pay dividends, IMOE.

Cathy31

HI there

Congratulations on an awesome amount of sober time! I can relate to you in that I am in a space where I feel I 'deserve' to dabble in some non-alcoholic substances...and I'm realising it's just a manifestation of the insanity of addiction.

Two things I'd say to you :

1) Even though I had been considering with the idea of dabbling in some soft drugs, I knew alcohol was off limits. This is because I did Step 1 and I cannot deny that I am powerless over alcohol. I just cannot go near the stuff. I CANNOT drink in moderation - this mistaken belief drives us alcoholics to the gates of hell, instanity and death!!! So! My suggestion is : Start your Steps again - do steps 1 through 12 and see how you feel then...I think you need to re-acquaint yourself with the steps...just meetings is only half the programme.

2) I think as in my case ,that this is the evil of addiction trying to get you to relapse...from where I'm sitting it seems insane that you would play russian roulette like this - yet I have been doing precisely the same thing for past few days wondering if a bit of dope won't hurt me! So we're really the same you and I and it reminds me of a message I once heard from a guy with 20+ years sober...your disease is patient...it is willing to wait...and wait it will...and it's primary purpose is to destroy you. it will do this if you give it an opening.

Stay strong, I think the lack of sponsees has meant you've been able to keep yourself apart from the steps...that's where the power is. I hope you'll consider it - even get a temp spnosor if you don't have one...well done again on your awesome sober time!!! I know I'm going to be taking my own advice and really knuckle down on the steps...

I'm also going to take some other advice I heard in an NA meeting the other day - when it gets too much ,just go to sleep. Call it a day, go to sleep! That's what I am going to do!!

Night all,

Cathy31
x

mike_mass

Thanks to all for the input. The carpet slippers story came to mind as I wrote the original post. This disease is insidious.

Cathy31

Insiduous, Dangerous....Cunning, Patient...but we have a reprieve. Keep it in the day.
Good luck!
Cathy31
x

Rella927

Awesome story! I actually heard this story from my A Brother!

Mike-when you feel really bored when the kids are gone or feel like picking up that "drink" why not pick up the phone and call the travel agent and treat youself and your wife to a nice trip! That would be a great way to reward yourself for an awesome job well done from A-Z. Keep up that 17 years soberity going to 18, 19, 20

Great job Mike! (I pray my brother makes it to 2-as it is Gods will and his own not mine....he lost everything-house, wife, kids, went to jail...after 5 years sober and picked up that drink again)

Barto

That is one of the stories that sticks, huh? Sounds like you are right minded again. We all have bad moments. I guess that’s why we need each other (real time, too) and the steps.

lostnfound1961

I have 15 months today and I still think about it off and on. Today is on. I think about how I would love to be high and not have to think. I get sad because I know I can't do that and then I get mad because I don't understand why I want to feel that way at all. What is so dull about me that I need THAT to make me happy.

There are a thousand things you can do and enjoy rather than drinking. Think of alcohol as a bad relationship. It just keeps taking and you just keep giving and after a while there is nothing left. I'm thinking maybe a painting class might be more fun.
D :-)

mike_mass

That hits the nail on the head. Some days I just want to be 'comfortably numb'. I am reminded of the saying that the things AA gives you (happiness, good health, self-respect) are the very things that may lead to a drink. In other words, I can easily fool myself into thinking I am can have a normal relationship with booze again because the bottom has become a distant memory.

mike_mass

Barto,

That was post 777 for you. I'll take that as a good omen...

baggervance

You know alot better than me what to do to stay sober.I do know from my experience it is just as bad out here as it was.I dont know your story but mine is what big book describes true alcoholic.Imagine when you came in thats what it will be like or it was for me.good luck Mike in what ever you decide.

Yardbird

I was just at a meeting a couple of nights ago where a guy with 33 years sober time (!!) read the carpet slippers story. Then most of the shares were from other people with double-digit time who talked about the importance of staying aware that the disease is always, always waiting for us to come back. Many of them also talked about the importance of staying close with other "old timers," if possible other people who knew you when you first came in the rooms. It's surprising (and humbling) to me how many of my "distant memories" are still fresh in the minds of others!

caraway

17 years wow, thats pretty impressive. Reading your post immediately reminded me of that carpet slipper story also, even though its years since I've been to AA. You've received alot of good advice there, I just wanted to reiterate what lostnfound says, that having a hobby or some sort of interest that you could throw yourself into might help?

queenteree

Mike,
I'm not an alcoholic, but my husband is. That is EXACTLY the way my RAH felt about 3 - 4 years ago when all of our kids moved on with their lives, he was financially set, etc. He considered it "his time" and felt he could drink socially and "moderate". Well, 3 years later, he has liver disease, almost lost his job, drove drunk daily and almost died from a BAL of .4. He finally came to his senses and realized that it is IMPOSSIBLE for an alcoholic to moderate no matter how long they have been sober (he was sober over 14 years!!!). Oh, and as for your "good marriage", my RAH and I had a great marriage (really). He was the best husband and father you could ask for. Till he decided he could moderate and then full blown alcoholism with all the chaos, poor judgment and drama and everything else that goes with it kicked in. I had my plans in place to leave him. He is now almost 3 months sober and attending his AA meetings and working on recovery. And our marriage is starting to be great again. Hope this helps from a wife's point of view.

mike_mass

I have been doing this...half way through my masters now and am almost fluent in another language. I might look into an AWOL.

mike_mass

Thank you so much...I am sorry about your problems but this is what I needed to hear. It hit so close to home. I'm glad your husband made it back.

Barto

It has been so long since I’ve been drunk. However, I got really nuts while isolating from many of my good sober friends (and my sponsor) that I started failing to acknowledge my problems as they arose. I guess I stopped working the steps, despite that I thought I was still doing so. It is hard to do alone. Of course my problems piled up unbeknownst to me. Anyway, I wound up in urgent care fearing a heart attack or stroke. The doctor took my vitals, diagnosed me with having had panic attacks, and insisted I take benzos.

I still don’t know whether the attacks were caused by the isolation or something genetic. In any case, the doctor put me on the benzos, which do some numbing even when taken as prescribed. Not quite the same numbing as drinking a case of beer or a quart of gin or smoking a gram of cocaine, but a bit of numbing nonetheless. I almost changed my sobriety date over it, but my sponsor having been sober over 25 years said "no – they are prescribed. Work through it."

Dates aside, the experience was invaluable, a recent refresher, and perhaps a lesson, that numbing out is highly over-rated.

I have been back at meetings for a few years now, and it is really hard to rededicate, to get the program back into my daily life. My head keeps telling me that for the amount of time I have been sober, I should have so much more to share – I should be so much better off financially, etc. I suspect that this is my disease trying to keep me from you, as things are still way better than they were when I came in. Anyway, I am back now, and it appears as though I may finally be able to live without any prescribed meds. Time will tell. God bless, man.



there's no booze in this tea