justjo

I havent spoken to my AS for 2 , 3 weeks. She called me today asking me how long she had to go through all of this. I asked her how long she wanted too... She says she cant stop drinking because of the withdrawals she has to go through. But she has done this many many times (gone thru withdrawal in detox and rehabs) she asked me if she would be better off dead and over with. How bad shes screwed up and ruined her & everyones life. Over an hour on the phone, I could still hear the sips.... What does it really take!!
She is really bad and goes on 5-6 day benders, no eating, nothing. Only wine.
She says she doesnt know why shes doing this to herself. No reason just is. Wouldnt wish it on anyone, no one understands the pain.
I can only image the pain because I know the pain and sadness it causes me. I have been reading this forum for ahhh about 2 months and most say she has to want it so bad. The doctor said she will be dead with in 2 years at the rate she is destroying her body. How bad does she have to get.

lanie67

I am sorry for the pain that you are going through having to watch this process. Yes only she can get herself sober and she has to be willing to go through detox again and/or treatment and make AA a part of her daily life. It might be helpful for you to go to Al-anon or Coda to get support for your experience of watching a family member do this to themselves while you are standing on the outside observing, because as they say, you didn't cause her alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's possible it is even more painful for the person watching, because they might not be using substances to block out their pain like the drinker is. Does she remember the phone calls from you after you hang up with her, or is this 'drunk-dialing' where she is in a black out and won't remember speaking with you the next day. You might have to show some tough love and give her the number of AA to call; people in Al-anon can help you deal with this better than anyone else.

best

Each of us are different.
Took the fear of what if for me to change.
Took a heart attack (second one) for my FIL to change.
Detox is one thing... learning and working how to change the way we think and do things is what helps us stay sober. When she realizes that pain of continueing is greater then the effort and pain to stop is when she will find her answers.

What can we do?

Learn as much about alcoholism as we can. Share what we know (solutions) and pray.
It is up to them to accept the support and info we offer. The choice is their choice, we can't force change on others.
Solutions... Detox, Drs, and support programs such as AA.

Music

The answer to your question here is, "as bad as she has to get in order to decide to stop drinking." It's called "hitting bottom." If talking to her is bothering you, tell her to call when she's sober. From the sound of it, you shouldn't hear too much from her.

Tazman53

Justjo is any one giving her any type of help? I do mean any!

Roof over her head, clothes, food, money, bailing her out of jail, paying for lawyers???? Anything?

Refuse to talk to her if she has been drinking, do not call her.

I know this sounds harsh, but most of us alcoholics need to see that there is no way out of our situation, we need to see that NO ONE is going to help us in any way except to give us a ride to detox/rehab! From what you have siad she has been through detox and rehab before, you may want to force her to find her own detox.

She has to want to get sober, if she is not getting sober for her self then it will be a waste of time.

I am sure this is heart breaking, I tore my whole family apart when I was drinking, they were right at the point of moving out before I finally saw my own future if I did not stop drinking, I was going to die a slow, painful, lonely death from drinking, scared the hell out of me.

justjo

I am so scared for her. I feel she needs serious help, she will die!! Seriously, she has been in detox and rehab (gee i have lost count, must be 15times) she has to detox before she can go to rehab. She has had endless counsellors, outreach programs, AA meetings but she still goes straight back to it.
When she called today, she kept going on how much she misses our father. He passed on over 7 yrs ago. She wants him back. I went through all of this with her, you know hes gone, nothing we can do, move on bla bla... Everytime, its like she has another reason to be pissed. Im sick of it. She cries, she says shes pathetic, I tell her shes not, I really try to push her to positives, not negatives but it doesnt work. She clings to me for support, needs to talk, needs me to look after her teenage kids.
I dont give her money or anything. My mum up until a couple of months ago did everything for her which made me mad as hell, because I knew it was enabling her. Mum kept saying she was doing it for the kids not her. The kids moved out 2 weeks ago. Now she is on her own with her 3 dogs.
She said she cant... go in to the final rehab for 6 months where she cant get out of because of the dogs now. No one will take them for her. They are small dogs and I cant take them because my dog would eat them. I said she came before the dogs and she would have to consider other options. NO way she said.

So I dont know.. Yes you are right, sometimes I dont hear from her for 1 week or 2 weeks and I know she is binging. Each day I pray she is still alive. So i text her mobile number and she texts back. Stupid, but that way I am relieved.
Thankyou all. I needed some help. I am feeling stupidly helpless again. Its an emotional roller coaster.
Do you really think I should not talk to her!

justjo

Oh and yes, I will look into finding more about this and go to meetings. I know she has to want this so bad, she doesnt seem to get that herself though. She says because she has a disease it is incurable.

Tazman53

justjo she is right, she does have an incurable disease, but she can stop the progression of the disease by not drinking.

You really do need to go to alanon, you really need to learn that there is absolutely nothing you have done or any thing you can do, you have to accept that she is sick and only she has control over whether or not she is going to stop.

Justjo it is time to take care of your self, if you have her kids you may want to check into getting custody of them for both your sake and thiers. Your sister may sign them over to you, if not child protective services may give them to you and give your sister the otion of getting back into rehab or losing them.

justjo

Thanks Taz
Yes, I know enough that I realize she is very sick and has to want this for herself. Her kids are now 15 & 17 and still at school. I have 3 sons living at home too 17, 20, 23. It gets crazy sometimes but I love them all enough to be there. They help me out too.
She really depends on me being for the kids and accepts they cant live with her anymore. It was just too much for them and they have been through too much with her over the years. I take them to meetings and it helps a little. They are to young to fully understand, boy, I find it hard too. Alot of damage has been done, but I am big enough to know, its not her, its the drink.
I guess, i am being selfish here too because I want them to have a mum around and I love her dearly.
I feel I am slowly seeing her die, god forbid it. I guess as they say this must be happening for a reason. One day we may find the answer to that one.
In the meantime, I will try and get all the help we need for us too. Sometimes I feel like it is slowly eating away at me, uncontrollably, but I know it is in my control to stop this. maybe not 100 percent but enough to be sane.
Thanks

Tazman53

justjo nothing will stop you from loving your sister or worrying about her, but accepting that it is out of your hands will help some, just do not let her problems consume you or your life.

GrouchoTheCat

JustJo,

I feel for you.

I am an alcoholic and I went to detox about 7-8 times.

It took me a long time to finally get it.

I am reading "Beyond the influence" and it is the best book I have read so far about the disease of alcoholism.

I highly reccommend it. It does so very much to explain alcoholism from a medical and research standpoint. I really did not know why I drank either but this book explanes a great deal. Much of the book is here in a sticky.

I wish you and your sis the best,

Ted

laurie6781

Justgo. Go to Alanon. Let her go. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do for her.

When I was 29 years old, the doctors told my husband and my parents that I would be dead by 30 if I didn't stop drinking. I divorced my husband at 31. At 33 1/2 years old my parents shut me out. Told me if I called they would hang up, and they did, and if I came to the door it would be closed in my face, and it was.

It took me another 2 1/2 years to find sobriety, the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets. I was 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday. I sure showed those doctors didn't I? lol

When she calls you hang up, you are only talking to a bottle. Those calls are manipulation on her part.

As was said above, tell her you will only talk to her when she is sober, and I am sure by now you can tell when she is drinking.

Go to Alanon for you. Check out our Friends and Family forum

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

You will get great support and help there from others who have been where you are now, or are where you are now.

Welcome to SR

Love and hugs,

justjo

Thanks, I hear you all. I have been watching this for some years now and Yes I know when she is sober, half way there, there and more. II know the manipulation and I have to be strong enough to hang up. That is so hard for me when shes crying on the phone. But you are right, cos I always end up getting angry with her.

I took time off work today and took her daughter (my neice) shopping for a few things she needed. Her biggest concern was that she may not be able to give her mum her mothers day gift this Sunday. See it affects us, even when youre not wanting it too.
Love to you all and please keep well.

came2believe

From the sound of it, her problems are running your life.

I know that the people in Al-Anon can help you in being the best possible help to her. What you think of as "help" may not be truly helping and may, instead, be counterproductive. At Al-Anon they are very experienced with this and can help you determine what you may be able to do to truly help her, and, VERY IMPORTANTLY--the things you can do to be kind to and take care of yourself! Typically oneself is someone who is sorely neglected when a loved one is in the throes of addiction. But yourself... That's a person you CAN take care of, a LOT... and you sound like a terrific, compassionate, and giving person--I know you deserve lots of love and hugs right now!!! You are worth it!

And Carol's advice on visiting Friends & Family is very good also!

xo

die tryin

I sugest that you read chapter 7 in the A.A. Big Book WORD FOR WORD and do what the book says.
Sorry to hear its so bad for ya.But get her some help,,An intervention was the only thing that saved me.My family was instructed by a "counselor" to not comminicate with me and to let me hit bottom..My bottom was death,,I could have waited them out,thank God someone helped me..I would have drank until I died...Someone helped me,I owe that person my life..


This is only my opinion.

justjo

[QUOTE=die tryin;1326738]My bottom was death,,I could have waited them out,thank God someone helped me..I would have drank until I died...Someone helped me,I owe that person my life..



this is what I thought, maybe there was some kind of help I could get her. She has though been into detox and rehab more than 15 times and still drinks as soon as she gets home.
What can I possibly do to save her? what happened for you. I originally wrote that I feared for her death more than anything. If she dies, I will always ask myself what could have I done to save her? I dont think I could forgive myself.
Help please, and how did that person save you.
Justjo

parentrecovers

let go and let god, justjo. i find when i am able to let go of the fear, i find peace.

stay strong and take care of yourself, so when she is ready for help, you can be there to support her.

blessings, k

caileesnana

I have the same feelings you do with my daughter. This probably the hardest, worst thing a parent can go through. I have learned that there is nothing I can do but love her! I have tried everything and nothing worked, and I mean everything. I'm new at all this but want to share some of the words that get me through some long days and weeks. Since we love our kids:

"Love NEVER gives up hope, NEVER looses FAITH, is always HOPEFUL, and ENDURES through EVERY circumstance".

You're in my prayers,
susan

Music

You don't get it do you? There's nothing you can do to help her unless or until she wants help. In the meantime, you're screwing up your own life, trying to play God. You don't have the power to make her do what she's refusing to do, which is to submit, and admit she's powerless over the disease. You're as sick as she is because you're refusing to acknowledge your powerlessness over the same disease. She's on a mission jo. She's still trying to figure out how she can continue to drink. Until she figures out that she shouldn't drink, and until you figure out you don't have the right to stand in her way of hitting her bottom, you're both doomed to misery.

parentrecovers

gulp. i hear you, music. gulp............