Scared - The Fear Of Loosing My Love
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 4
Scared - The Fear Of Loosing My Love
New to this place - Only just registered so not really sure what to do, say or expect.
Signed up in a desperate attempt to find a support mechanism as I have none.
I live in the UK.
Firstly I'd like to say that I don't think that I have a problem that is anywhere as bad as some of the posts that I read on this site so please accept my apology if those of you out there who have things harder than I do think me a fraud. I myself feel that I am a fraud for looking somewhere like this for help but I dont know where else to turn. I have just been forced to accept that I have a problem and, although I have probably know that I have been alcohol dependant for many years now I have never had to accept it myself until yesterday.
I am a horrible person and I do not deserve support for what I have done, but I have nowhere left to turn. I was forced to accept my addiction yesterday. I am due to get married in July but thats on the rocks now due to my problem. I disgust myself with the things that I do in order to get a drink and yesterday my fiancee discovered that I had stolen £300 from our wedding fund to spend on alcohol behind her back.
I think she has suspected that I had a problem for a while now but everytime she tried to approach the subject I just laughed it off and denighed it. Turns out she was right. One of the reasons I could never admit it to her was fear that she'd hate me, and I was right. She is disgusted with me and I cannot blame her. I have stolen from her and ruined our up and coming wedding because I am SO selfish.
I have tried to explain to her how I feel but she cannot accept that I truely do DESPISE myself more than she could EVER hate me for what I have done. I am empty inside and - If I was anything like a strong person I would do the right thing and let her find somebody she deserves, but I cannot. I cannot live without the love of my life, she is everything to me and I love her with all my heart and soul but I think she cannot forgive me, and I cannot blame her for that.
I drink because I hate the person that I am. I know that probably sounds stupid, but do you know when you meet somebody new and for some reason that you cannot comprehend you take and instant disliking to them. Well, thats me, and thats how I feel about myself. I do not like myself, I am a boring, unfunny, unattractive and annoying person who nobody would like. I look in the mirror and unlike most people who would see a reflection of them selves I see nothing but a collection of cells and bones and a brain put toether badly. I stare deep into my own eyes and see nothing but pitch blackness. No life, no heart, no soul. Just a pool of icey cold black.
The problem, and one of my major fears, is that I have been drinking since before I met my fiancee and during the five years we have been together. Drinking brings me out of my shell, I become sociable and funny and interesting to be arounnd. If I stop drinking now will she still love me? Or will she start to see the boring unlikable person that I am underneath?
I am shy with no confidence and no self worth. I do not fear death as I do not see my death as a loss to anybody. I fear disapproval and disappointment from others far more than death. I know this is going to sound totally topsy-tervy but I would sooner die than let my fiancee down, but that is exactly what I have done.
I feel lost, I feel as thought I have hurt her so badly that she will never ever forgive me, and if she cant, then I have nothing to live for, no reason to be strong and no reason to become a better person. I am desperate and ashamed.
I cannot expect my fiancee to support me as I have hurt her so badly by stealing the money for drink and then lying to her about it, I cannot get support from my parents as it would bring them too much shame to have an alcoholic son. Again, thats the fear of disapproval that I cannot take. I have nobody else and nowhere else to turn to.
Apologies for the rant.
Scared To Death.
Signed up in a desperate attempt to find a support mechanism as I have none.
I live in the UK.
Firstly I'd like to say that I don't think that I have a problem that is anywhere as bad as some of the posts that I read on this site so please accept my apology if those of you out there who have things harder than I do think me a fraud. I myself feel that I am a fraud for looking somewhere like this for help but I dont know where else to turn. I have just been forced to accept that I have a problem and, although I have probably know that I have been alcohol dependant for many years now I have never had to accept it myself until yesterday.
I am a horrible person and I do not deserve support for what I have done, but I have nowhere left to turn. I was forced to accept my addiction yesterday. I am due to get married in July but thats on the rocks now due to my problem. I disgust myself with the things that I do in order to get a drink and yesterday my fiancee discovered that I had stolen £300 from our wedding fund to spend on alcohol behind her back.
I think she has suspected that I had a problem for a while now but everytime she tried to approach the subject I just laughed it off and denighed it. Turns out she was right. One of the reasons I could never admit it to her was fear that she'd hate me, and I was right. She is disgusted with me and I cannot blame her. I have stolen from her and ruined our up and coming wedding because I am SO selfish.
I have tried to explain to her how I feel but she cannot accept that I truely do DESPISE myself more than she could EVER hate me for what I have done. I am empty inside and - If I was anything like a strong person I would do the right thing and let her find somebody she deserves, but I cannot. I cannot live without the love of my life, she is everything to me and I love her with all my heart and soul but I think she cannot forgive me, and I cannot blame her for that.
I drink because I hate the person that I am. I know that probably sounds stupid, but do you know when you meet somebody new and for some reason that you cannot comprehend you take and instant disliking to them. Well, thats me, and thats how I feel about myself. I do not like myself, I am a boring, unfunny, unattractive and annoying person who nobody would like. I look in the mirror and unlike most people who would see a reflection of them selves I see nothing but a collection of cells and bones and a brain put toether badly. I stare deep into my own eyes and see nothing but pitch blackness. No life, no heart, no soul. Just a pool of icey cold black.
The problem, and one of my major fears, is that I have been drinking since before I met my fiancee and during the five years we have been together. Drinking brings me out of my shell, I become sociable and funny and interesting to be arounnd. If I stop drinking now will she still love me? Or will she start to see the boring unlikable person that I am underneath?
I am shy with no confidence and no self worth. I do not fear death as I do not see my death as a loss to anybody. I fear disapproval and disappointment from others far more than death. I know this is going to sound totally topsy-tervy but I would sooner die than let my fiancee down, but that is exactly what I have done.
I feel lost, I feel as thought I have hurt her so badly that she will never ever forgive me, and if she cant, then I have nothing to live for, no reason to be strong and no reason to become a better person. I am desperate and ashamed.
I cannot expect my fiancee to support me as I have hurt her so badly by stealing the money for drink and then lying to her about it, I cannot get support from my parents as it would bring them too much shame to have an alcoholic son. Again, thats the fear of disapproval that I cannot take. I have nobody else and nowhere else to turn to.
Apologies for the rant.
Scared To Death.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Welcome to to SR
You don't need to loose it all.
A bottom is when you're afraid of loosing something or someone very dear to you.
Some people stop when they get thier first dui or family members complaints
or theire first PI ticket. Some people are more hard headed than others that's all.
I hope you find help and support to help you with your problems.
recoginizing there is a problem is a mile stone..many don't relize it until
it's too late or until they've lost everything.
Just keep reaching out.
You don't need to loose it all.
A bottom is when you're afraid of loosing something or someone very dear to you.
Some people stop when they get thier first dui or family members complaints
or theire first PI ticket. Some people are more hard headed than others that's all.
I hope you find help and support to help you with your problems.
recoginizing there is a problem is a mile stone..many don't relize it until
it's too late or until they've lost everything.
Just keep reaching out.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Scared my friend first welcome to the board, second congrats on taking a step that will if you work at it bring you more happiness and joy then you thought possible.... SOBRIETY!!!!!
Look you have nothing to apologize for, there are folks here and in the rooms of AA that were quicker to realize they had a problem with alcohol.
Every ones bottom is different, but every bottom is a bottom! There is no requirement as to how low one has to go before they can go to AA or come to SR.
There is no shame in not having DUI's, jail time, accidents, broken homes, or losing every thingyou own when it comes to getting sober.
I only had one DUI and that was 20 years before I finally quit, I never lost a job, it may have been a contributing factor in the break up in my first marriage, but I do not feel it was a major one. I have never been in jail and only had one accident due to drinking and no one was hurt.
When I quit I was standing on the edge of a cliff, if I had kept on drinking everything above that had not happened to me yet would have all happened and maybe more, I was right there.... one more step and I was dead.
What ever ones reason to quit drinking and they can not stay quit and it is in thier opinion thier bottom is low enough for here or AA.
Why not try some AA meetings, you will be pleasantly surprised to see there are folks just like you there.
Look you have nothing to apologize for, there are folks here and in the rooms of AA that were quicker to realize they had a problem with alcohol.
Every ones bottom is different, but every bottom is a bottom! There is no requirement as to how low one has to go before they can go to AA or come to SR.
There is no shame in not having DUI's, jail time, accidents, broken homes, or losing every thingyou own when it comes to getting sober.
I only had one DUI and that was 20 years before I finally quit, I never lost a job, it may have been a contributing factor in the break up in my first marriage, but I do not feel it was a major one. I have never been in jail and only had one accident due to drinking and no one was hurt.
When I quit I was standing on the edge of a cliff, if I had kept on drinking everything above that had not happened to me yet would have all happened and maybe more, I was right there.... one more step and I was dead.
What ever ones reason to quit drinking and they can not stay quit and it is in thier opinion thier bottom is low enough for here or AA.
Why not try some AA meetings, you will be pleasantly surprised to see there are folks just like you there.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,447
Hi Scared,
You are not alone in the feelings that you have. Alcohol is often used as an aid to fit in when we feel like we don't really belong and don't really deserve to have a good life. But, of course, before long, the alcohol takes control and we lose the things we value.
I suggest that, if you want to stop drinking, you need to do it for yourself. I don't think it will work if you try to do it for your girlfriend. And, I think you will surprised to find that the sober you, is a wonderful person.
You are not alone in the feelings that you have. Alcohol is often used as an aid to fit in when we feel like we don't really belong and don't really deserve to have a good life. But, of course, before long, the alcohol takes control and we lose the things we value.
I suggest that, if you want to stop drinking, you need to do it for yourself. I don't think it will work if you try to do it for your girlfriend. And, I think you will surprised to find that the sober you, is a wonderful person.
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
Hi Scared,
Sounds like a really rough time.
I have found that when I do not drink, my life is better, much better.
I have stolen, lied, cheated and mostly the ones I love. Our loved ones suffer with us.
You are a worthwile person. Although you need to decide for yourself, alcoholism is a disease. I could not put down the drink on my own. I needed others who were sober to show me the way. You are not alone.
Welcome to our little corner of the internet.
An alcoholic nemed Ted
sober now for almost 6 months.
Sounds like a really rough time.
I have found that when I do not drink, my life is better, much better.
I have stolen, lied, cheated and mostly the ones I love. Our loved ones suffer with us.
You are a worthwile person. Although you need to decide for yourself, alcoholism is a disease. I could not put down the drink on my own. I needed others who were sober to show me the way. You are not alone.
Welcome to our little corner of the internet.
An alcoholic nemed Ted
sober now for almost 6 months.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 4
Thank You ALL for your messages of support.
I am one day sober now - that is NOTHING I know but having had a minimum of 4 beers practically every single night since I was 18/19 its a start.
I'd like to think that I have the strength and conviction to carry this through, but truth be known I am a weak man, a coward. The one person who could give me the strength I need is the one person that I have hurt the most. I pray that she can find a way to forgive me and has the courage to stand by me when I need her most.
I am one day sober now - that is NOTHING I know but having had a minimum of 4 beers practically every single night since I was 18/19 its a start.
I'd like to think that I have the strength and conviction to carry this through, but truth be known I am a weak man, a coward. The one person who could give me the strength I need is the one person that I have hurt the most. I pray that she can find a way to forgive me and has the courage to stand by me when I need her most.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Scared if you are an alcoholic like I am no amount of strength and conviction is going to keep you sober.
First of all I found after 10 years of trying to quit for my wife and kids that I had to quit for myself, I had to want to quit for me, I saw my death if I quit drinking, I knew I was going to die if I did not quit.
I quit for me and me alone, I knew I had to quit whether I lost my family or not.
I had no power over alcohol, none! Once I put alcohol into me, I have lost all power.
It was not until I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and I came to beleive that a Power greater then myself could restore me to sanity that I started to slowly gain the ability to stay sober.
For me stopping drinking was never a problem, staying stopped was the issue, it took me 10 years to figure out that I could not stay stopped alone, I needed help!
I found the solution to my alcoholism in AA! Rooms full of people just like me, they understood me, no one else ever had! These people are recovering/recovered alcoholics whose primary purpose is staying sober and helping other alcoholics to recover from alcoholism.
First of all I found after 10 years of trying to quit for my wife and kids that I had to quit for myself, I had to want to quit for me, I saw my death if I quit drinking, I knew I was going to die if I did not quit.
I quit for me and me alone, I knew I had to quit whether I lost my family or not.
I had no power over alcohol, none! Once I put alcohol into me, I have lost all power.
It was not until I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and I came to beleive that a Power greater then myself could restore me to sanity that I started to slowly gain the ability to stay sober.
For me stopping drinking was never a problem, staying stopped was the issue, it took me 10 years to figure out that I could not stay stopped alone, I needed help!
I found the solution to my alcoholism in AA! Rooms full of people just like me, they understood me, no one else ever had! These people are recovering/recovered alcoholics whose primary purpose is staying sober and helping other alcoholics to recover from alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Hi scared, don't feel like a fraud or like your problem isnt BIG enough. We dont all have to die in the gutter to be able to say 'oh yes, I had a problem with alcohol'.
Sounds to me like you took the HUGE step of admitting to yourself you have a problem. You are now one of us and not in denial anymore. We are all the same buddy, if it is causing you problems, well you are now dealing with it. Be glad you faced up to it now. And £300 from a wedding? She noticed lol?
Sounds to me like you took the HUGE step of admitting to yourself you have a problem. You are now one of us and not in denial anymore. We are all the same buddy, if it is causing you problems, well you are now dealing with it. Be glad you faced up to it now. And £300 from a wedding? She noticed lol?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi and Welcome to SR!
Let 's get some perspective..k?
You and your lady have been together for 5 years
that is a strong indication of love and committment.
You stole the money...you did not kill anyone.
You can strife to return the money by taking another job.
Let her be cash keeper alone this time.
You can scale down the wedding...it's the marriage
that is important...not the ceremony.
The more important issue is your drinking.
You would not have broken her trust by stealing if you were sober.
Sooo....I suggest you work towards sobriety.
For me....that means recovery with AA.
Get started now with a local AA meeting.
Go and listen and learn.
You will be able to be a better mate
and you will find self esteen and joy!
Blessings
Let 's get some perspective..k?
You and your lady have been together for 5 years
that is a strong indication of love and committment.
You stole the money...you did not kill anyone.
You can strife to return the money by taking another job.
Let her be cash keeper alone this time.
You can scale down the wedding...it's the marriage
that is important...not the ceremony.
The more important issue is your drinking.
You would not have broken her trust by stealing if you were sober.
Sooo....I suggest you work towards sobriety.
For me....that means recovery with AA.
Get started now with a local AA meeting.
Go and listen and learn.
You will be able to be a better mate
and you will find self esteen and joy!
Blessings
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Scared, I truly am sorry for your pain. I can identify with the low self esteem and the self loathing.
There is an old cliche that states that "We have to first love ourselves to be able to truly love another." I believe it is true.
Perhaps it would be best if you put your marriage on hold for a while until you can deal with your alcoholism and low self esteem issues.
I am sure your fiance cares about you very much and will understand that you need some time to get help for yourself. It is the best amends you can ever make to her.
There is an old cliche that states that "We have to first love ourselves to be able to truly love another." I believe it is true.
Perhaps it would be best if you put your marriage on hold for a while until you can deal with your alcoholism and low self esteem issues.
I am sure your fiance cares about you very much and will understand that you need some time to get help for yourself. It is the best amends you can ever make to her.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
Hi Scared & Welcome,
I am sure many of us can relate to your reasons for drinking and your feelings of low self-worth that you expressed above.
There is an old saying-The bottom is when you quit digging. I didn't lose a house, a family, or go to jail either. I could stop drinking--for a few days or weeks. However, I could not stay stopped on my own.
So, I found support in the rooms of AA. It was the hardest thing I have ever done as I previously NEVER asked for help and found it very shameful. Now i realize this is a strength of character not a weakness.
All the best
I am sure many of us can relate to your reasons for drinking and your feelings of low self-worth that you expressed above.
There is an old saying-The bottom is when you quit digging. I didn't lose a house, a family, or go to jail either. I could stop drinking--for a few days or weeks. However, I could not stay stopped on my own.
So, I found support in the rooms of AA. It was the hardest thing I have ever done as I previously NEVER asked for help and found it very shameful. Now i realize this is a strength of character not a weakness.
All the best
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Scared,
Sounds like you have a beautiful lady there. OK she is probably in shock right now and feels betrayed.
You are not a coward, you are brave because you are admitting all of this. She obviously loves you too, gee, shes been around a while and you cant tell me she hasnt suspected something all these years.
I say yeah, get some professional help if you are serious about getting your life the way you truly want it to be. You never know give her some time and she just may be along side of you to support you.
Be strong, look in the mirror and see the great, handsome person you really are. We can talk ourselves into anything we want to believe if we try hard enough. Try hard at seeing the soul really inside of you that wants to come out.
Best of luck
Justjo
Sounds like you have a beautiful lady there. OK she is probably in shock right now and feels betrayed.
You are not a coward, you are brave because you are admitting all of this. She obviously loves you too, gee, shes been around a while and you cant tell me she hasnt suspected something all these years.
I say yeah, get some professional help if you are serious about getting your life the way you truly want it to be. You never know give her some time and she just may be along side of you to support you.
Be strong, look in the mirror and see the great, handsome person you really are. We can talk ourselves into anything we want to believe if we try hard enough. Try hard at seeing the soul really inside of you that wants to come out.
Best of luck
Justjo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Some people are more hard headed than others that's all.
Yup, always though if I put my mind to something, I could do anything. Anything but stop drinking on my own.
If she doesn't like the "real" you (AKA, sober), well, I dunno what to tell you. What I CAN tell you is chances are if you continue to drink you're gonna lose her anyway.
If you really want to stop, do it for yourself.
One more thing, you said your story isn't as bad as others here. That's true for now. In AA, we have one very powerful word. Yet. As in "I don't have any DUIs (yet)" or "I've never lost a house/car/job (yet)". The disease is progressive, and if you are unlucky enough to have it, you will eventually end up where we did.
Good Luck and God Bless.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
nothing really new I can add to the excellent advice already presented, Scared...
will she like you sober ? Dunno, but it sounds like she sure as ___ doesn't like you drunk...I believe a 5 year relationship is probably strong enough to weather this...*if* you're prepared to work at it to make sure it doesn't happen again, that is, and can show that in some tangible form...
I know what you mean about hating yourself...been there...T shirt...but if we really truly hated *everything* about ourselves, we'd never have come here for help...and I've learned running away from the problem with a bottle doesn't solve it, it just makes it worse with the guilt and self loathing after a binge...
and..oh yeah...welcome ~!
D
will she like you sober ? Dunno, but it sounds like she sure as ___ doesn't like you drunk...I believe a 5 year relationship is probably strong enough to weather this...*if* you're prepared to work at it to make sure it doesn't happen again, that is, and can show that in some tangible form...
I know what you mean about hating yourself...been there...T shirt...but if we really truly hated *everything* about ourselves, we'd never have come here for help...and I've learned running away from the problem with a bottle doesn't solve it, it just makes it worse with the guilt and self loathing after a binge...
and..oh yeah...welcome ~!
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Florham Park, NJ
Posts: 174
Noone can take to place of your recovery. Your fiancee is NOT the power you need. Alchohol is the symptom. I just read a paragraph of death the way you described yourself. To put that kind of pressure on your fiancee to "heal" you is too much.
You have to do this and the start is get acquainted with God. Sounds to me like you validate yourself through how others see you. A recipee for disaster. You need to define yourself how your creator sees you and he doesn't make junk.
AA is a great place to start. I drank a bottle and half for over 24 years "almost" every night. I dont' have any scary stories to tell but I can tell you the spiritual and emotional hell was far worse than any DUI or legal experience.
BTW, I lost my bfriend to alchohol. I didnt want to live after that. But I'll tell, now 5months sober...I am greatful to God he is gone. I used him till there was nothing left...he tried to help me. People can help to a point but make lousey God's. They just don't have His power. It was inevitable.
i am greatful now that I have no excuse on my sobriety...noone can leave me, hurt me and I fail. In terms of missing him, that is passing. I am getting stronger and being a better person.
Maybe she will stay around but you need to get off the mindset to lean on her for your recovery. That is more selfish than drinking. It is not her job and you will wear her out.
BTW, in the course of my recovery I have found self esteem, value in others, better communication skills...confidence, patience..all the qualities I didn't think I possessed. You will too...your condition of hating yourself is a result of hiding from life for a very long time. You need to face life again..you need the help of others. It will get better. You will love yourself and you will draw your fiancee to you. Self confidence, assurance and respect is way more attractive than .."I hate myself, am ugly, blah blah blah). All that is a lie. You just need to believe the truth..how GOD sees you. The great thing about God is He gives you the power you need to live the truth.
Thats my 2cents...
You have to do this and the start is get acquainted with God. Sounds to me like you validate yourself through how others see you. A recipee for disaster. You need to define yourself how your creator sees you and he doesn't make junk.
AA is a great place to start. I drank a bottle and half for over 24 years "almost" every night. I dont' have any scary stories to tell but I can tell you the spiritual and emotional hell was far worse than any DUI or legal experience.
BTW, I lost my bfriend to alchohol. I didnt want to live after that. But I'll tell, now 5months sober...I am greatful to God he is gone. I used him till there was nothing left...he tried to help me. People can help to a point but make lousey God's. They just don't have His power. It was inevitable.
i am greatful now that I have no excuse on my sobriety...noone can leave me, hurt me and I fail. In terms of missing him, that is passing. I am getting stronger and being a better person.
Maybe she will stay around but you need to get off the mindset to lean on her for your recovery. That is more selfish than drinking. It is not her job and you will wear her out.
BTW, in the course of my recovery I have found self esteem, value in others, better communication skills...confidence, patience..all the qualities I didn't think I possessed. You will too...your condition of hating yourself is a result of hiding from life for a very long time. You need to face life again..you need the help of others. It will get better. You will love yourself and you will draw your fiancee to you. Self confidence, assurance and respect is way more attractive than .."I hate myself, am ugly, blah blah blah). All that is a lie. You just need to believe the truth..how GOD sees you. The great thing about God is He gives you the power you need to live the truth.
Thats my 2cents...
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