Jhawker23

Hi all, this is my first post and one most have you have seen so many times before. I'm 29 and my wife and I just had our first child, Nadia, 2 weeks ago. I drink around a 1/5th of vodka a night. The quantity just steadily rises as the effects keep diminishing. The next morning's effects never diminish however.

I have a very successful career. I'm able to achieve success at work functioning at approx. 40% of my potential because I feel bad during the day.

I actually want to drink more and more and try and sabotage myself to hit bottom so I can get better. I WANT it terribly, but apparently not enough to be sober yet. I'm trying 100% committed to recovery today.

I despise the fact that I maintain my life well enough to live like this. My mind says why not have the high from drinking if it only costs a few minutes of feeling bad in the morning? I know there's more to it.

My father is an alcoholic, his mother was an alcoholic. My grandfather was an alcoholic, two uncles died from alcoholism and another uncle stopped about 15 yrs ago.

Is it possible I am not an alcoholic if I can replace one addiction with another? I can substitute marijuana for alcohol, as long as I'm not sober. I moved out of the city for a job and had no access to marijuana and started drinking daily ever since. It has been 4 years of drinking.

I don't have any more life to waste on this.

Does any medication help to quit?

I used to be very fit, exercise daily, very active. Now I'm 70 lbs overweight. I have a hard time putting on my shoes. I'm 29, pathetic. I haven't taken the christmas lights off my house yet.

I take wellbutrin and lexapro for anxiety and depression. My wife thinks that the alcohol completely wipes out the effects of the meds. Can someone provide information on that?

I'm positive my drinking is becoming known to my family and in-laws.

We live in a small community and I cannot imagine how I could attend local meetings (if they exist here) and not have it come out. That would be very very damaging to my career.

I am so ready for a new life without addiction driving everything I do.

NYCGirl

Welcome, you have found a great place with a lot of support, you might want to check out this thread for starters. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

CarolD

Welcome to SR!

Here is my suggestion...
find info on the disease of alcoholism.

My favorite resource on alcoholism is
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"

Both can be ordered from Amazon.

We also have excerpts from "Under"
Please click
1. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Take care...keep posting...ask questions

CarolD

Well... You really need to discuss your med's with your doctor.
And it would be wise to tell him/her of your desire to quit.

There are med's to curb the cravings in early
sobriety and for de toxing too.

To be safe...a medically supervised de tox is
always a smart move.

Blessings to you and your family

hope3

Hi Jhawker, welcome to SR.

I used to drink with my antidepressants, (duh) every piece of medical advise tells you not to drinkd alcohol with this type and many other types of meds.

My Psychologist told me the alcohol is a dpressant, (I already knew that) and antidepressant is, well, self explainatory. So they were fighting each other, plus it is not very good for our organs.

Anyway, I would talk to your doctor on that information.

However, after not drinking for over 80 days (the first month my mind was mush) I think my antidepressants kicked in to help me with my new found recovery.

I would also like to agree with Carol and I quote her "My favorite resource on alcoholism is
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"

Both can be ordered from Amazon."

Best wishes, (((((((hope3))))))) P.S. ((((((()))))) stands for hugs.

thisisme

When I started this I read and read and read. It really is amazing the power of google eh?
I learned so much about this addiction and I explored and looked at many methods.
I hope you find yours. Welcome to your better life.

Tazman53

Do you know any one in you community that goes to AA? I doubt it unless they told you, keep in mind the name "Alcoholics Anonymous"

Now ask your self this question, which is going to be more damaging to your career in the future, people finding out you are a drunk or people finding out you are a recovering/recovered alcoholic?

Jayhawker why not pick up the phone and call your local AA, you do not have to go to a meeting right away, you can have a couple of AA folks meet you at a coffee shop and you all can talk about AA.

I can tell you right now that you are going to see folks from your small community in the rooms of AA that you never dreamed would be there.

I know lawyers, doctors, business owners, folks with little money and those with a ton of money, heck we even have a retired preacher. AA is not a room full of homeless drunks dressed in old over coats, they are people of every class, creed, color, sex, and sexual preference. We are some of the happiest people you will ever meet.

People who have walked through the bowels of hell tend to be very happy once they are out of hell. AA is not only about getting and staying sober, it is about becoming a better and happier person.

aasharon90

Alcoholism runs in my family as well. However not
everyone in the family becomes one.....

I am the one in my little family of 4 with the disease
of alcoholism.....however my 2 kids who r now 22 and 20
have shown no signs of being one....

For that I am grateful, but...if they had become one or
even become one down the road, they know who to
turn to.... ME and and A.A.

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

By the Grace of my HP and people like u here
in SR I havent had a drink of alcohol since
8-11-90.

For that and u I am truely grateful.

My family did an intervention on me back
in Aug 90 after I had a horrible accident in
Feb of that same yr....healing quite nicely
to only pick up a drink and try to end my
miserable life....

In that short amount of time the progression
of my disease grew rapidly.....EXTREMELY RAPID
that it still blows my mind.

Alcoholism is a disease and ...what do u do when u
are sick? You seek help from ur physician explaining
exactly what is wrong with u...being extremely honest
with them so they can help u....letting my physician
know i am an alcoholic and to know my recovery is that
important to me...he will not prescribe anything that is
narcotic to me or habit forming.....

For 16 yrs my disease has been asleep....if i drink a tad of
alcohol it will wake my disease up and low and behold i will
have unleashed a Horrible Monster.....

So i take my daily medicine of AA as my life depends on it.

Its a simple as that....

Thanks for letting me share.

GlassPrisoner

So is missing work, coming in late, coming in smelling like booze, and sneaking away to have a maintenance drink to stop the shakes. Also, you don't see it, but a practicing alcoholics work suffers in both quantity and quailty.

fraankie

................I have a very successful career. I'm able to achieve success at work functioning at approx. 40% of my potential because I feel bad during the day................
oh, really,
like i was was telling the 2nd line big boss
20 years ago
"i'm your best worker"
as he was telling me my work sucked

and
you are a success at work
functioning at 40% capacity
as the boss says at the meeting
"let's not give this new assignment to jhawker23,
he can't handle it"
"oh, yeah, he's been screwing up a lot lately
but i feel sorry for him
he's got a problem" the other boss says

or
the co-workers at the water fountain
bob the dispatcher says
"boy, i do 3 times the work as jhawker23"
veronica, the blond bimbo says
"yeah, me , too",
mike, the temp says
"how does he get away with it",
joe, the sales rep says
"i wish the boss would can his as.",
sally the typist says
"oh, they know he has a problem
and feel bad for him"

I actually want to drink more and more and try and sabotage myself to hit bottom so I can get better
like, are you a relative of gen george custer
who, told his men at little big horn
'let's get us all massacared
so we can win the war with the indians"
to think of it
is little big horn in kansas?

"............My mind says why not have the high from drinking if it only costs a few minutes of feeling bad in the morning?.........."
a good idea is to re-read your post
a few minutes of feeling bad in the morning is not the only price you are paying for your drinking
as in
".............Now I'm 70 lbs overweight. I have a hard time putting on my shoes. I'm 29, pathetic. I haven't taken the christmas lights off my house yet. .................."
knock, knock
"not tonight, honey, i have a 4 year headache coming on, let's make a date for the year 2013" your wife explains

and
yeah, you are really fooling your family
by not calling, remembering your parents bithdays, anniversaries, visiting
and
getting zonked over their house on holidays
"because the liquor is free here"
"we haven't seen the new baby, nadia in 6 months" dad says
"well, who wants to go there, jhawker23 is drunk all the time", mom says

look, you are probably a great son, a wonderful father, a terrific husband, a loving nephew, etc
but
alcohol impairs your judgement
and
obviously
you are not making the right decisions
as in
"quit, quit, quit,
go to AA"

what gets my gall
a daughter 2 weeks old
are you changing diapers?
are you doing night feedings?
are you dressing her "prettu in pink" and shpowing her off
at the park this satirday with your wife or to the neighbors?
are you holding her in your arms, and
with a smile and lots of love
whispering in her ear
"you can be president of the united states someday"
not a dream anymore
as in Hilllary clinton is running for it

or are you going to pop the vodka tonight
as your wife calls her mom and says
"i'm gonna dump him
he don't do nothing here
not even for the baby"
as you take a swig and think
">>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>i am so ready for a new life without addiction driving everything I do.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<'


BEST
FRAANKIE

ps
go to AA
i go in my neighborhood
what can people say
"he's helping himself"

SBC98

Please, please stop drinking. You are so young and you will ruin your life if you continue. That is exactly what someone on this website told me in June 2004 and that statement made me decide to quit. I was 27 when I quit and it changed my life. You have to stop. You say you have a successful career, a wife, and a house. Well if you don't stop you will loose all of that, I promise. You are too young to screw everything up now. You have time to rebuilt your life now and get well. Please don't end up like my father. He is a 62 year old drunk who has destroyed his life and will probably die alone. If you keep it up that is how you will end up.

Jhawker23

This is certainly your opinion. I appreciate the time that you have put into this reply.

I understand everything positive you may have meant to say and I want to believe that the rediculous stereotype you have written is something you need for yourself.

I do hope that there are people out there who need this approach; you would be the best person for them.

The fact is that my family means more to me than the alcohol and that is why I am here exposing my feelings and defeating this addiction.

Posting my experience for those who are dealing with the same hardship is both rewarding for me and hopefully strengthening for others at the same crossroad.

I have admitted I have a problem and have given you slight insight into my life, however, your opinion is by no means an accurate description of my life.

I take offense to your imagination of my life; I take solice in that you are trying to help me.

Thank you,
Brad

P.S. Now sober for 5 days, seen my doctor, now have a psychiatrist and will begin medication and counseling...

This is the end of addiction for me.

P.P.S.

For anyone new reading this thread, please disregard the ignorant post I have referenced. There will possibly be someone who may have their heart in the right place but use you as an example of their accomplishments (or past failures). This is not necessarily constructive nor positive. This is only an opinion among hundred of thousands...

CarolD

Thank you for understanding that each SR member
is trying to help with their own perceptions
and experiences.

It's great to see you are moving forward Brad
Congratulations on your sober time!

Blessings to you and your family

Mongo

Hi Brad, congratulations on your 5 days.

I see in your last post that you've seen your doctor, and are looking into counselling.

Those are good choices. I believe that for me, my addiction was the result of my choices, and only my choices and behaviour can help me to succeed in recovery.

I found a lot of inspiration on recovery message boards like SR. I also used the REBT tools found on Smartrecovery. I take antabuse and see my doctor regularly to help me achieve an extended period of abstinence.

It's working well for me as ths period of sobriety is the longest I've ever attained in recent years. More importantly, it's a higher quality sobriety as I feel that I've managed to change my thinking which results in more positive behavioural choices. I only wish I had done this earlier in life.

It's a struggle, but it is so worth it.

In your first post you mentioned marijuana as a possible sub for booze. I've never had issues with pot but I have read many members stories here who are struggling with an addiction to many things, including marijuana. Not a good idea, at least for me.

I think it's our behaviour that must change by making the right choices. The substance of abuse may result in different costs of using, but until we make the right choices for ourselves we cannot recover.

Good luck and keep well

Ron

Tazman53

jhawker you mentioned possibly using grass as a substitute for the booze and you also said you lived in a small community and were thereby worried about AA.

As I mentioned your image in the community will be far higher being sober and going to AA then being known as a drunk, imagine getting busted for buying or possessing grass, living in a small town you know as I do that every one and their brother is going to hear about Jhawker getting busted!!

Little small town papers love stories about prominant people in the community getting busted for a DUI, Drunk in Public, or dope. You are by your own admittance worried about your image. Correct me if I am wrong but you are down to just 4 choices:

1. Stop drinking all by yourself. (No impact on image)
2. Going to AA (Impact to your image more then likely your own self image)
3. Switching to smoking dope. (Major impact if you get busted!)
4. Continuing to drink (If you are an alcohlic this will impact your image)

In regards to #2, in the city I live in, Fredericksburg Virginia, we have people from every walk of life in AA, you worry about your image, do you worry more then a politician? We have several elected officials that have been attending AA meetings for years and continue to be re-elected. We have doctors, lawyers, & policemen in AA.

If you really think about it, can you name one single person in your area that is in AA?

If you can, have you ever heard any one say any thing bad about them because they go to AA meetings?

You may find things a lot easier to do something now then wait until:

I drank for 40 years before I swallowed my pride and realized that my image to my whole family and neighborhood was I was a drunk, I like you was a functioning alcoholic, I never lost a job, and only had one DUI and that was over 20 years ago. My job had no idea, but it has been mentioned several times how much better my work has been in the last 4 or 5 months (Gee I wonder if not drinking had anything to do with that?)

You say you are successful working at 40% of your ability, who knows maybe you could be really successfull if you were working at 100% of your ability, you would probably get a promotion or partnership if you got straight, some how I don't see a pot head moving any further ahead in a company then a drunk.... but who knows.

Jhawker23

I am now 4 weeks sober and feel great. The most difficult time was the first week. I definitely still deal with the cravings, but it's certainly manageable.

A question I have... After 4 weeks I am wondering if I should still be having any withdrawal side effects... I have been SO short-tempered. It takes about 5 minutes out of bed for something to set me into an anger-filled day. I have never experienced anything like this. A bad day once in a while is understandable, but not everyday. It is difficult to describe but a majority of the time I feel like I could just snap on someone. I'm exhausted by the end of the work day because I have spent so much energy keeping down the anger.

Jhawker23

It is really a different world being a sober alcoholic. I would go to AA with no hesitation now. I don't go because I have had no real trouble maintaining to this point. I actually love each day I go without drinking that makes the next day even easier. What is strange is how I feel about people who drink. My mindset is so different now. I think about friends who don't drink and how I looked down on them before. I didn't want to be around them in social settings. Now I see it. I think about friends who still drink and I now I wonder "how can they drink?" It is hard to explain, but I'm sure that some of you out there know what I am talking about.

Rowan

Hi Brad,

Congratulations on your sober time that's wonderful. I could identify with your description of the anger, and still can some days. It's not at all uncommon to have strong emotions surface when we finally put down the booze. How long these feelings will last vary from person to person. Are you still seeing a psychiatrist? What are you doing to maintain your sobriety? You mentioned that you would go to AA with no hesitation now, but don't because you have had no real trouble maintaining to this point. I strongly urge you to go to a meeting, before it becomes more troublesome. And please visit here as often as you can - it's a wonderful source of support.
Your baby daughter must be getting big - and hopefully she is sleeping through the night by now!
Hope to see more of you around here - and again, well done on the 4 weeks.

Rowan

Anna

Hi Brad,

Congratulations! It sounds like you're doing great!

Like Rowan, I also remember the anger. I had no clue how to deal with normal emotions. I had been denying my feelings for years and all of a sudden I had to deal with everything that I had been keeping down. There was anger and guilt and sadness. But there was also freedom and for the first time in my life, there was joy.

You will learn how to deal with the negative emotions as time goes by. Of course your psychiatrist can help and I used music and hiking to help me get through those times.

Tess37

in regards to AA... I was sober for the most part of the past 3 years... my last relapse was about 9 months ago and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the heck I was still so unhappy. I was sober.. why shouldn't I be happy?? I figured out after a close call with yet another relapse that I wasn't in AA and I had better get started if I wanted to stay sober AND be happy. That night I reached out to an AA member online and just said..."help" and she did. To me, and this is only my opinion, there is a huge difference between just being sober and being in recovery. I thank god for AA every day, and I feel happier than I have in a very long time.