A message for Stone
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
A message for Stone
I was reading Stone's journal today, and I started to write this as a post, but it got a bit big, so I thought I would stick it out here for anyone else who's interested.
It took many years for me Stone. Many years of trying to quit. I'll quickly share a little, if you don't mind.
About ten years ago I had a couple of emergency admissions to hospital which sort of acted as a wake-up call. By which I mean I began to think that I really had to, must and should do something about this. I had tried a lot of different things to help me quit in the past - including going to AA, first when I was about 26, then again when I was 33 - that time, straight after hospital. I went to one meeting each time and decided it wasn't for me. Just to fill in one additional gap, I also quit drinking and drugging when I was 22, for almost two years - so even at 22 I knew I had a pretty severe problem. Those were two of the most miserable, fear-ridden years of my life!
Anyway, about ten years ago I was on the verge of getting married to a wonderful woman. I thought I needed to sort out my alcoholism - even by that point I had been calling mself an alcoholic for many years, but really just to get the embarassment out of the way first - it was like I warned people, in my Glasgow accent, "I'm an alcoholic", and then let rip. But I began to think that I really needed to do something. It was around about then I was referred to the clinic you're going to. At that time they were big on Moderation Management. I also began to attend a very well recommended psychotherapist. I saw him for two years, and he had a beneficial effect on me. I had also begun taking ecstasy fairly regularly, maybe a couple of years before that and during that time too.
But I carried on drinking. And every single time I started to drink, I could not stop until I had drunk myself to a standstill. Depending on what I was drinking - I kept changing drinks to "make it better" - that binge might last a few weeks - wine and spirits - or a few months - beer. As a result of the psychotherapy I had gone from being a continuous drinker to having these mammoth binges followed by periods - up to three months - of dryness. Everyone, my wife inlcuded, thought this was a definite improvement on the previous me who just drank all the time. During this time I became a father and started a business. During the periods I was sober the business grew. During the periods I was drinking the business stagnated. I had twenty staff within eighteen months. They all knew I was alkie, and they carried me when necessary.
Let me be plain - I don't tell you that I started a business to impress. Like a lot of alkies I had become unemployable. When someone like me gets to the point where it's not possible to hide their alcoholism any more, no-one will take a risk. So necessity was the mother of invention. Needless to say the business went from nought to sixty and back again in the space of five years. By which time I was a father of two young children and a chronic alcoholic. I had been morning drinking for many years - as I say, the only improvement in my life had been the fact that I might drink for three months, then stop for two. Everyone I knew thought that this was as good as it was going to get. Me included. And yet stil I continued to pretend - I now know - that I was trying to quit. I wasn't. I was always making decisions based upon - how can I carry on drinking? I hid vast quantities of my drinking, even though everyone knoew I drank to excess. I hid booze in loads of different places. I sneaked extra drinks all the time. I drank in public toilets and parks. I drank walking my children in their pushchair, and I regularly took them out "for a walk" as an excuse to get booze. I remember vividly standing in the rain on a Sunday morning at 8am with the kids crying as I drank a bottle of screwtap wine in a ****** playground in Toxteth, where I had taken them for a "walk" because I knew an offie that would sell to me early.
And still I convinced myself that I was trying to fix my problem. Basically, I would do anything - anything at all - that would allow me to carry on drinking. Which is what I did up until the 26th June 2003.
I had never learned how to drive. I was never sober enough, long enough. I promised myself I would learn since I had moved out of the city to the sticks - woolyback land! I learned how to drive, promising myself I would never drive drunk. Here's how badly I failed at that promise. I passed my test drunk. Fine I'll never drive drunk with the kids in the car I thought. within days of passing my test I was driving drunk with the kids in the car. WTF? Strangely that was my catalyst. That was when I reached what is referred to in the fellowship as the "jumping off point". Lots and lots of other things in my life had been far more dramatic than driving with a half bottle of vodka in me, and the kids in the car. Although, of course, it could have been the single most "dramatic" moment in my life.
So I phoned AA. And they told me where there was a meeting that night, and I drove there, drunk, but only me in the car. And I don't remember anything about that meeting except this. I cried all the way through it. And someone told a story about coughing to cover the sound of a bottle being opened in a cubicle of a public toilet, and I thought, I'm not alone. And someone else told me to keep coming back. And finally I heard - and for the first time listened to - someone say that the first drink is the one that does the damage. I'd love to say that I didn't have a drink from that day to this, but I left that meeting and bought some beers so that I could stop rattling long enough to drive home. But the next night I went to another meeting, drunk, and the next night, drunk again. Then the night after that, I went without drinking. And I kept going.
What changed was this. I stopped telling the world what I was, and wasn't prepared to do to get sober. I stopped putting qualifications on what my sobreity should look like. I stopped working on the principle that everything to do with me was within my power to fix. Because it isn't, and not only is it not, it's actually the childish part of me that believes it is, a part I should have built upon and developed a long time ago. But I didn't "decide" to do these things when I went to AA. I was in a simple state of desperation and hopelessness. I now know I was very lucky. An American woman I met at a meeting took me to one side after I had shared at a meeting and she said "how lovely to hear you share, and how lucky you are to have had such a Gift of Desperation". So because i was helpless and desperate, I simply kept going to meetings, and did what I was told, by people who had achieved what I hadn't, and what I couldn't - a happy, peaceful life without drink. I stopped - I didn't realise this at the time, btu looking back I do - I stopped having expectations about what should happen and when it should happen. I stopped getting disappointed when the world didn't make me happy, or praise me, or soothe me or whatever. I just went, and - again, this wasn't conscious - I let the change happen, because I had reached the point where anything was better than what had gone before.
I'm here to tell you that there is a peace which you haven't previously experienced waiting for you. It's a liberation from the critical internal voice that tells us we're worthless and evil and small. It's a release from the panic and fear and anger of active alcoholism. It's so many things I can't describe but I'm grateful to have today. My journey is in a different stage of recovery, and I'm really grateful not only for my friends in AA, but for the people at SR who have taught me so much not only about how to be a good AAer, but how to pick up tools from all manner of different sources. Life is good. I feel, inside, no longer a terrified, angry, vicious, screwed up kid.
People will always nag you to go to AA. You know why? Because all of us alcoholics without exception look back and wish we had gone, and got the message, ten or twenty years ago. And we project that wishfulness on to others. We urge them to go to AA, because we hate to see them suffer. And perhaps we can shorten someone's drinking career - who knows? I know for myself that I could not have had one drink less than I did. That's how many I needed to have, and that's how many I had. So I got there when I'd had enough. Not when anyone else had had enough of me!
AA is a collection of wisdom and experience of some wonderful people who suffered terribly with alcoholism. It is - whether people outside the fellowship like it or not - a hard-won set of insights and techniques not only for keeping drunks sober, but for retraining them to live productive, happy lives. It's not perfect, but it is incomparably, infinitely better than the life of an active alcoholic, and I'm damned sure I'm not going to spend my time finding its faults, when its assets are so appealing. And I am unresevedly grateful for the fellowship and the programme of recovery.
Thanks Stone, for everything you are here.
It took many years for me Stone. Many years of trying to quit. I'll quickly share a little, if you don't mind.
About ten years ago I had a couple of emergency admissions to hospital which sort of acted as a wake-up call. By which I mean I began to think that I really had to, must and should do something about this. I had tried a lot of different things to help me quit in the past - including going to AA, first when I was about 26, then again when I was 33 - that time, straight after hospital. I went to one meeting each time and decided it wasn't for me. Just to fill in one additional gap, I also quit drinking and drugging when I was 22, for almost two years - so even at 22 I knew I had a pretty severe problem. Those were two of the most miserable, fear-ridden years of my life!
Anyway, about ten years ago I was on the verge of getting married to a wonderful woman. I thought I needed to sort out my alcoholism - even by that point I had been calling mself an alcoholic for many years, but really just to get the embarassment out of the way first - it was like I warned people, in my Glasgow accent, "I'm an alcoholic", and then let rip. But I began to think that I really needed to do something. It was around about then I was referred to the clinic you're going to. At that time they were big on Moderation Management. I also began to attend a very well recommended psychotherapist. I saw him for two years, and he had a beneficial effect on me. I had also begun taking ecstasy fairly regularly, maybe a couple of years before that and during that time too.
But I carried on drinking. And every single time I started to drink, I could not stop until I had drunk myself to a standstill. Depending on what I was drinking - I kept changing drinks to "make it better" - that binge might last a few weeks - wine and spirits - or a few months - beer. As a result of the psychotherapy I had gone from being a continuous drinker to having these mammoth binges followed by periods - up to three months - of dryness. Everyone, my wife inlcuded, thought this was a definite improvement on the previous me who just drank all the time. During this time I became a father and started a business. During the periods I was sober the business grew. During the periods I was drinking the business stagnated. I had twenty staff within eighteen months. They all knew I was alkie, and they carried me when necessary.
Let me be plain - I don't tell you that I started a business to impress. Like a lot of alkies I had become unemployable. When someone like me gets to the point where it's not possible to hide their alcoholism any more, no-one will take a risk. So necessity was the mother of invention. Needless to say the business went from nought to sixty and back again in the space of five years. By which time I was a father of two young children and a chronic alcoholic. I had been morning drinking for many years - as I say, the only improvement in my life had been the fact that I might drink for three months, then stop for two. Everyone I knew thought that this was as good as it was going to get. Me included. And yet stil I continued to pretend - I now know - that I was trying to quit. I wasn't. I was always making decisions based upon - how can I carry on drinking? I hid vast quantities of my drinking, even though everyone knoew I drank to excess. I hid booze in loads of different places. I sneaked extra drinks all the time. I drank in public toilets and parks. I drank walking my children in their pushchair, and I regularly took them out "for a walk" as an excuse to get booze. I remember vividly standing in the rain on a Sunday morning at 8am with the kids crying as I drank a bottle of screwtap wine in a ****** playground in Toxteth, where I had taken them for a "walk" because I knew an offie that would sell to me early.
And still I convinced myself that I was trying to fix my problem. Basically, I would do anything - anything at all - that would allow me to carry on drinking. Which is what I did up until the 26th June 2003.
I had never learned how to drive. I was never sober enough, long enough. I promised myself I would learn since I had moved out of the city to the sticks - woolyback land! I learned how to drive, promising myself I would never drive drunk. Here's how badly I failed at that promise. I passed my test drunk. Fine I'll never drive drunk with the kids in the car I thought. within days of passing my test I was driving drunk with the kids in the car. WTF? Strangely that was my catalyst. That was when I reached what is referred to in the fellowship as the "jumping off point". Lots and lots of other things in my life had been far more dramatic than driving with a half bottle of vodka in me, and the kids in the car. Although, of course, it could have been the single most "dramatic" moment in my life.
So I phoned AA. And they told me where there was a meeting that night, and I drove there, drunk, but only me in the car. And I don't remember anything about that meeting except this. I cried all the way through it. And someone told a story about coughing to cover the sound of a bottle being opened in a cubicle of a public toilet, and I thought, I'm not alone. And someone else told me to keep coming back. And finally I heard - and for the first time listened to - someone say that the first drink is the one that does the damage. I'd love to say that I didn't have a drink from that day to this, but I left that meeting and bought some beers so that I could stop rattling long enough to drive home. But the next night I went to another meeting, drunk, and the next night, drunk again. Then the night after that, I went without drinking. And I kept going.
What changed was this. I stopped telling the world what I was, and wasn't prepared to do to get sober. I stopped putting qualifications on what my sobreity should look like. I stopped working on the principle that everything to do with me was within my power to fix. Because it isn't, and not only is it not, it's actually the childish part of me that believes it is, a part I should have built upon and developed a long time ago. But I didn't "decide" to do these things when I went to AA. I was in a simple state of desperation and hopelessness. I now know I was very lucky. An American woman I met at a meeting took me to one side after I had shared at a meeting and she said "how lovely to hear you share, and how lucky you are to have had such a Gift of Desperation". So because i was helpless and desperate, I simply kept going to meetings, and did what I was told, by people who had achieved what I hadn't, and what I couldn't - a happy, peaceful life without drink. I stopped - I didn't realise this at the time, btu looking back I do - I stopped having expectations about what should happen and when it should happen. I stopped getting disappointed when the world didn't make me happy, or praise me, or soothe me or whatever. I just went, and - again, this wasn't conscious - I let the change happen, because I had reached the point where anything was better than what had gone before.
I'm here to tell you that there is a peace which you haven't previously experienced waiting for you. It's a liberation from the critical internal voice that tells us we're worthless and evil and small. It's a release from the panic and fear and anger of active alcoholism. It's so many things I can't describe but I'm grateful to have today. My journey is in a different stage of recovery, and I'm really grateful not only for my friends in AA, but for the people at SR who have taught me so much not only about how to be a good AAer, but how to pick up tools from all manner of different sources. Life is good. I feel, inside, no longer a terrified, angry, vicious, screwed up kid.
People will always nag you to go to AA. You know why? Because all of us alcoholics without exception look back and wish we had gone, and got the message, ten or twenty years ago. And we project that wishfulness on to others. We urge them to go to AA, because we hate to see them suffer. And perhaps we can shorten someone's drinking career - who knows? I know for myself that I could not have had one drink less than I did. That's how many I needed to have, and that's how many I had. So I got there when I'd had enough. Not when anyone else had had enough of me!
AA is a collection of wisdom and experience of some wonderful people who suffered terribly with alcoholism. It is - whether people outside the fellowship like it or not - a hard-won set of insights and techniques not only for keeping drunks sober, but for retraining them to live productive, happy lives. It's not perfect, but it is incomparably, infinitely better than the life of an active alcoholic, and I'm damned sure I'm not going to spend my time finding its faults, when its assets are so appealing. And I am unresevedly grateful for the fellowship and the programme of recovery.
Thanks Stone, for everything you are here.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Wow!!! Paul that is one of the better shares I have seen here about AA, one of the things that AA does for an alcoholic like me is it has taught me how to be humble, it has taught me to have pride, but not the harmful drunken type I used to have that hurt me and others around me through out my life.
AA's noteriety is helping alcoholics like me and helping me stay sober, what people outside of AA do not understand is how that is really done. It is done by first supporting an old drunk like me long enough for me to get sober with love and guidance, but that is not what keeps this drunk sober.
What people do not understand is getting a drunk sober using AA or any other program is a very simple task really.
The place where AA stands head and shoulders above the rest is that if an alcoholic like me wants to stay sober they have a life long program that gives me what I need to be sober.
What the 12 steps of AA and the fellowship have given me is freedom from guilt, shame, ego, self pity, self hatred and that damn feeling of being useless!
The 12 steps of AA and the fellowship have given me the ability to be happy joyous and free if I am willing to work the steps.
AA gave this alcoholic the path way to allow me to make a very simple decision on a daily basis and that decision is:
A. Do I want to return to the misery I lived in for years by drinking today?
or
B. Do I want to continue to be happy joyous and free today by continuing to work and live the steps today?
I make the above decision every day! AA has taught me through love, the fellowship and the 12 steps how to be a better person who is happy joyous and free.
This morning I made the decision that today I did not want to go back to my miserable days of drinking so I will not drink today. Today I have decided that I love being happy joyous and free, so I will not drink today.
AA's noteriety is helping alcoholics like me and helping me stay sober, what people outside of AA do not understand is how that is really done. It is done by first supporting an old drunk like me long enough for me to get sober with love and guidance, but that is not what keeps this drunk sober.
What people do not understand is getting a drunk sober using AA or any other program is a very simple task really.
The place where AA stands head and shoulders above the rest is that if an alcoholic like me wants to stay sober they have a life long program that gives me what I need to be sober.
What the 12 steps of AA and the fellowship have given me is freedom from guilt, shame, ego, self pity, self hatred and that damn feeling of being useless!
The 12 steps of AA and the fellowship have given me the ability to be happy joyous and free if I am willing to work the steps.
AA gave this alcoholic the path way to allow me to make a very simple decision on a daily basis and that decision is:
A. Do I want to return to the misery I lived in for years by drinking today?
or
B. Do I want to continue to be happy joyous and free today by continuing to work and live the steps today?
I make the above decision every day! AA has taught me through love, the fellowship and the 12 steps how to be a better person who is happy joyous and free.
This morning I made the decision that today I did not want to go back to my miserable days of drinking so I will not drink today. Today I have decided that I love being happy joyous and free, so I will not drink today.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Stone hope is never lost, I have a great deal of hope for you. Why?
Because you are a man who will try something because he thinks he can do it and is honest enough not only with himself, but with others to come out and say "Well my plan didn't work, I was wrong." You learn from what did not work and take the next logical step for your self and try that to the best of your ability, and if you fall down you let others know, once again being honest with yourself and others.
Stone you are a huge asset to this board, the reason you are a huge asset to this board is because you are one of those rare alcoholics who is honest enough at this stage of your recovery to share with others when you fall.
Stone please do not beat your self up to badly, I spent 10 years beating the hell out of myself inside. It is the disease that is kicking your bum!
So far we have seen you progress a lot, every time you have found that what you were trying to do did not work or only worked for a while, you have picked your self up, knocked the dirt off of your knickers and either added another tool to your arsenal or dropped the one that failed you and picked up another tool.
Stone you have come so far, you are almost there, keep on with what you have been doing and look around for other tools you may have given only a light hearted attempt at using and pick that tool up again and really put forth a good honest effort at using it.
If I were you I would look for a tool that has worked for other alcoholics who have been in your shoes and were at thier wits end with the drink issue until they were finally willing to give in and do something that the booze and their pride had fought so hard not to pick up.
For years and years my enemy the beast (alcohol) convinced me that the very tool that would defeat it was totally unacceptable and would never work to defeat him. Of course the beast could convince me of that, that beast controled me, the beast was the one that made me pick up that drink, why in the world would the beast let me pick up the very tool that could defeat it. The beast had me fooled into thinking that any one who used that tool was weak, that if I picked up that tool I was admitting I really needed the help of many others.
Stone pick up another tool, do not drop the ones that have helped you stay sober, but look deep into your self and see if there is anything in you that maybe you need to drop to give you a better chance at beating the beast.
Because you are a man who will try something because he thinks he can do it and is honest enough not only with himself, but with others to come out and say "Well my plan didn't work, I was wrong." You learn from what did not work and take the next logical step for your self and try that to the best of your ability, and if you fall down you let others know, once again being honest with yourself and others.
Stone you are a huge asset to this board, the reason you are a huge asset to this board is because you are one of those rare alcoholics who is honest enough at this stage of your recovery to share with others when you fall.
Stone please do not beat your self up to badly, I spent 10 years beating the hell out of myself inside. It is the disease that is kicking your bum!
So far we have seen you progress a lot, every time you have found that what you were trying to do did not work or only worked for a while, you have picked your self up, knocked the dirt off of your knickers and either added another tool to your arsenal or dropped the one that failed you and picked up another tool.
Stone you have come so far, you are almost there, keep on with what you have been doing and look around for other tools you may have given only a light hearted attempt at using and pick that tool up again and really put forth a good honest effort at using it.
If I were you I would look for a tool that has worked for other alcoholics who have been in your shoes and were at thier wits end with the drink issue until they were finally willing to give in and do something that the booze and their pride had fought so hard not to pick up.
For years and years my enemy the beast (alcohol) convinced me that the very tool that would defeat it was totally unacceptable and would never work to defeat him. Of course the beast could convince me of that, that beast controled me, the beast was the one that made me pick up that drink, why in the world would the beast let me pick up the very tool that could defeat it. The beast had me fooled into thinking that any one who used that tool was weak, that if I picked up that tool I was admitting I really needed the help of many others.
Stone pick up another tool, do not drop the ones that have helped you stay sober, but look deep into your self and see if there is anything in you that maybe you need to drop to give you a better chance at beating the beast.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Originally Posted by stone 
Thanks for sharing that Paul, and Taz. I have been trying to think of a reply worthy of your post but I can't, I feel like I have lost hope atm. I just want you to know I appreciate it.
STONE,
This may sound a bit harsh but I'm glad you feel as though all hope is gone. It is at that point that most alcoholics have a decision to make.
"The remorse, horror, and HOPELESSNESS of the next morning are unforgettable. The courage to do battle was not there."
"Alcohol was my master."
"Like myself, he had admitted complete defeat."
"Thus I was convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want him enough."
"While I was layiing in the hospital, the thought came to me that there were thousands of HOPELESS alcoholics who might be glad to have what was so freely given to me."
"Doubtless you are curious to discover how and why, in the face of expert opinion to the contrary, we have recovered from a HOPELESS condition of mind and body."
"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
"There is a solution. Almost none of us like the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the HOPELESSNESS and FUTILITY of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet."
"If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were. we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spirtitual help."
"This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish."
"BUT THE ACTUAL OR POTENTIAL ALCOHOLIC, WITH HARDLY AN EXCEPTION, WILL BE ABSOLUTELY UNABLE TO STOP DRINKING ON THE BASIS OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE."
"THOUGH NOT A RELIGIOUS PERSON, I HAVE PROFOUND RESPECT FOR THE SPIRITUAL APPROACH IN SUCH CASES AS YOURS. FOR MOST CASES, THERE IS VIRTUALLY NO OTHER SOLUTION."
Stone, IMHO you have reached a point of hopelessness. You are thoroughly convinced that you are doomed. Should your case be in front of a judge and jury, the prosecution would have an easy time convicting you of being an alcoholic of the HOPELESS variety.
I have only a few questions for you Stone. I ask these with all due respect, and I do have a great deal of respect for you....
WHY IS IT THAT YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF SO UNIQUE, SO UNLIKE ANYONE WHO HAS EVER RECOVERED FROM THIS HORRIBLE DISEASE, THAT YOU ARE CONVINCED THAT THERE IS NO SOLUTION FOR YOU?
"DO YOU STAND AWAY FROM THE REST OF ALL OTHER SUFFERING ALCOHOLICS, SO DIFFERENT FROM US, THAT YOU ARE AN ISLAND UNTO YOURSELF?
"DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF PERHAPS A UNIQUE SUB-SPECIES OF MAN, THAT THE LAWS OF NATURE DO NOT APPLY TO YOU?"
If your answer to these questions is YES, then please, unvail yourself to the world so that we might see one who is entirely separate from all those who have come before and will come in the future.
My friend, I know I have placed at risk our friendship, my friendship with others on SR. But my desire for you transcends the importance of those friendships.
Do with this what you will. Answer the questions above. If the answer is NO, then join us. We will be overwhelmed with happiness if you do.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Thank you Paul, what a BEAUTIFUL and HONEST post!!!!!
Stone I hope Paul's words reach you.
I can only add that without AA I would have been dead almost 26 years ago, instead I am alive, have had an incredible life sober, and still kickin, lol.
Taz, it is a pleasure to watch you grow and change. Keep it up, I love it. Your recovery makes me smile.
Now Stone, how about you give this old broad a smile too? You don't want to miss the miracle and neither do I.
Love and hugs to all,
Stone I hope Paul's words reach you.
I can only add that without AA I would have been dead almost 26 years ago, instead I am alive, have had an incredible life sober, and still kickin, lol.
Taz, it is a pleasure to watch you grow and change. Keep it up, I love it. Your recovery makes me smile.
Now Stone, how about you give this old broad a smile too? You don't want to miss the miracle and neither do I.
Love and hugs to all,
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
What a powerful post Paul. Thank you for blessing us with it. You touched on something I've been giving a lot of thought too...the gift of desperation. Someone tried to congratulate me for making the "choice" to sober up. I was not comfortable accepting the credit. It wasn't a "choice" it was a desperate beg for mercy to a power greater than myself. It was defeat. It was not a choice or any act of will. It was surrender. It was a moment unlike any other when I had "chosen" to try and quit drinking. My darkest, weakest, painful and desperate moment became the gift I now know as my real chance at sobriety...my ego was shattered and I was open to receive.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
I just wanted to say I have read and am thinking deeply about all your posts. This is the first time I have made a real effort to quit for good, even if I do it day by day. I am not quitting for a month and promising myself I can get as loaded as I want afterwards like I have done in the past.
Ed, I don't see how what you said could jeopardise our friendship? To answer your questions, yes I am so special and so goddamn more clever than everyone else it is scary! That is a joke lol!
As for AA, I never ruled it out. I guess I should go huh? I am being flippant again.
Ed, I don't see how what you said could jeopardise our friendship? To answer your questions, yes I am so special and so goddamn more clever than everyone else it is scary! That is a joke lol!
As for AA, I never ruled it out. I guess I should go huh? I am being flippant again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Originally Posted by stone
I just wanted to say I have read and am thinking deeply about all your posts. This is the first time I have made a real effort to quit for good, even if I do it day by day. I am not quitting for a month and promising myself I can get as loaded as I want afterwards like I have done in the past.
Ed, I don't see how what you said could jeopardise our friendship? To answer your questions, yes I am so special and so goddamn more clever than everyone else it is scary! That is a joke lol!
As for AA, I never ruled it out. I guess I should go huh? I am being flippant again.
Ed, I don't see how what you said could jeopardise our friendship? To answer your questions, yes I am so special and so goddamn more clever than everyone else it is scary! That is a joke lol!
As for AA, I never ruled it out. I guess I should go huh? I am being flippant again.
Stone,
It just may save your life.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
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I guess I should go huh?
Stone I had prayed to hear you say that, Golfman has a lot more experience then I have in sensing the proper moment to really lay it out there, I swear to you that no one will pin you down and make you recite Psalms or the Quoran! LOL
It is that time it appears, beleive it or not Stone, by giving up you have actually won the WAR!!!!!! I know right now that makes about as much sense as in order to keep something you have to give it away! Give it time my friend, just try it in a manner that has worked for the majority of recovered alcoholics, you will be amazed before you are half way through it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
Thanks everyone.
I used to believe wholeheartedly that AA was the only way to get sober. I no longer believe that, because I've met lots of people who quit and commenced their recovery in other ways. I believe though that I am an alcoholic "of our type" (as it says in the BB), and that AA is the best way for me to get sober. The experience I've had over the last few years is of the profound benefits of acceptance, keeping life in the moment, learning not to take others inventory - and so many other "spiritual" practices that AA teaches which contribute to a healthier, happier life for me. But I'm not trying to tell Stone, or anyone, that they should go to AA. All I'm saying is that it is possible for us to turn our lives around, and by that I mean our internal lives. It is possible to go from self-loathing and chaos, to some degree of peace and of optimism - and joy. How one does that is our own concern. But for an alcoholic of my type, AA is a great way.
There is always hope.
I used to believe wholeheartedly that AA was the only way to get sober. I no longer believe that, because I've met lots of people who quit and commenced their recovery in other ways. I believe though that I am an alcoholic "of our type" (as it says in the BB), and that AA is the best way for me to get sober. The experience I've had over the last few years is of the profound benefits of acceptance, keeping life in the moment, learning not to take others inventory - and so many other "spiritual" practices that AA teaches which contribute to a healthier, happier life for me. But I'm not trying to tell Stone, or anyone, that they should go to AA. All I'm saying is that it is possible for us to turn our lives around, and by that I mean our internal lives. It is possible to go from self-loathing and chaos, to some degree of peace and of optimism - and joy. How one does that is our own concern. But for an alcoholic of my type, AA is a great way.
There is always hope.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Sorry Taz, cross-posting.
Paul I agree there are other ways besides AA to recover from alcoholism, but I totally concur when you said:
I am an alcoholic "of our type" (as it says in the BB), and that AA is the best way for me to get sober.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Stone - you are a loved brother to me and to us all here. I know what you are going through is huge and painful. Sometimes, there are more dangerous, powerful, cunning and evil things for us to face than drinking. I honestly believe you are facing such a situation. You need to find a way to get through this situation and if you drink, you will not be able to do that. You may need to white knuckle it like I did for a while. Paul and others here have told you how to do that. Then you will be able to go out and get the help you need.
Lots of love and hugs,
Steph
Lots of love and hugs,
Steph
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Deinze, Belgium
Posts: 246
Paul,
Thank you for sharing my friend. It was very helpfull and straight from the hart. Posts like this are really helpfull to other alkies who are checking out this place as well.
Philip
ps: Stone my friend,...NEVER give up! We love you dude!
Thank you for sharing my friend. It was very helpfull and straight from the hart. Posts like this are really helpfull to other alkies who are checking out this place as well.
Philip
ps: Stone my friend,...NEVER give up! We love you dude!
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