BP44

When I finally stumbled back into AA after being away for a long time, the first meeting, someone said, "welcome home". I knew at that time that I was home. I was scared, out of hope and out of solutions. it was then that I became willing to jump in with both feet and get involved. Before I knew it, I had a sponsor and was doing step work. Today I have a diverse group of AA's in my life. None of them will co sign my BS. Most are more tactful than others, and certainly more tactful than I am. They along with my sponsor have never lied to me. So, when I am told something or given a suggestion, I know it is the truth however difficult it may be to hear or do. This is how they got sober and they are passing it along to me. My sponsor will not hesitate to let me know when he is unhappy with my line of thinking. He will usually end such a time with, "Let me know how that works out for you". This ques me to the fact that I'm heading down the wrong path. On the other hand, if I'm heading in the right direction I may say something like, " So if I do such and such, I'll get such and such result?" And he'll say, " It wouldn't surprise me". These are the quick little nuances between a sponsor and sponsee that let me know instantaneously where I am at. So far, it's working. I'm new sober, so I don't share alot in meetings.

snowgoose

Yeah, I wonder how many of us felt we were weird drunks. Ultimately, I think you'll find weird is normal. And please get yourself another Big Book.

Best wishes from the Snowgoose. :ghug2

Carol87

Oh LegalLady ... That's MY story !! I was paralyzed with fear about sharing at meetings ... I didn't have anything to say, I would be laughed at, I would sound stupid, etc. etc. I avoided discussion meetings as much as possible and never shared. I DID go to many speaker meetings which was a perfect place to hide until I was ready to talk. There came a time when I craved discussion meetings ... I still don't share at every meeting I attend but I no longer panic if called on. I also chair meetings ... which is a wonderful growing experience.

BTW - there is no 'rule' that says you MUST share ... it is OK to just want to listen ...

Music

Hi LegalLady,
Most folks here will tell you that I don't mince words much so I'll just say this. When you've drunk enough to scare you to the point to where you're afraid to drink any more, maybe you'll be desparae enough to not care so much about where you go and who sees you. You haven't reached that point yet so keep on the way you're going, and you'll get there eventually.

LegalLady

I get what you are saying Music, and to tell you the truth I hope I do get that desparate that I don't care who is there. But between you and me, I just sit at home and drink. Single no kids and not getting in anyone's way. Just the safety net of my four walls, the corner of my couch, the TV, two cats, depression, and plenty of beer and the store walking distance. And A GREAT BIG PITY PARTY IN MY HEAD. And gosh I know I have that. With lots of bitterness and crap. But I have that safety net of being a drunk at home. I see my counselor tonight. Wish me luck

Music

I had a friend who drank that same way. He'd work for a while, buy enough booze to hibernate for a while, and just drink until he ran out, or had to go get more. Trouble is, one day he ran out and couldn't walk to the store, so he drank the rubbing alcohol that was in cabinet. When his daughter found him he was damn near dead. He wouldn't even get up to go to the bathroom. He just sat in his sh*t and kept a bucket to pee in. Great way to live isn't it?

When I came to AA, I was told by a good friend that one day it would get so good, I wouldn't be able to stand it. I make you that same promise. All you have to do is give up, care more about yourself than what others think, and follow some simple directions. But, the choice is yours. Most alcoholics I know are great people, and deserve better than what they're dealing out to themselves. Fear is robbing you of a new and better life.

LegalLady

Were you ever afraid?

scaredykat

Hi LegalLady, I'm always afraid. that's why i call myself Scaredykat. I was scared to death going back to AA because i was in the rooms before in the 90's and had almost 2 years of sobriety. Now I'm back and I have 37 days of sobriety.

I went back because i was sick and tired of living the way I was. I just sat at home and drank too. I didn't even have to get my rum and cigarettes. My husband got everything for me. Drinking got to me real bad emotionally and with depression. I'd go to bed crying just about every night. Sometimes i didn't even care if i got up the next day.

Now even though I'm 37 day sober things are already better for me. I feel like I'm living again in this world. I still have fear but I'm learning to tell people about it and pray to my HP. I hope you decide to try AA again because its not as bad as your head is telling you.

Barb

bugsworth

Hey LegalLady! When one does something when they are afraid it makes them courageous! All it will take is the first time, then the fear is gone and you now know you have not only the desire to change but the courage to do it! Go for it!

RufusACanal

LegalLady,

Welcome and thank you for just telling the truth to the best of your knowledge. Go to a meeting, any meeting and if asked to speak, just say Pass to your hearts content. Perfection you will not find in our rooms, but you will hear the messages of a new life based on the experience, strength and hope of others who have found a solution to the insanity that has stolen all hope, all joy and all of the tomorrows. Your first post on this thread was right to the point; I'm scared but I will go and listen. So now, go and listen and do it as much as you think you can stand. The amount is up to you, in fact everything now is up to you, because usually at this point there is no one else to blame. I am rooting for you LegalLady, just do it!

Ron

MadTuba

tell the fear to F*** off....go an get yourself a higher power in AA...and start living.

Millions of sober folks are just waiting to love you

Music

Of course! Thing is, I was more afraid of continuing on the way I was going. The Big Book talks about reaching a point where I couldn't imagine being with, or without alcohol. So, I took a chance. I was dealing with MY life. To hell with what others thought. FEAR?? Hell yes, but when I look at the discussion of the fourth step in the Big Book, I realize that FEAR is at the root of most of what's wrong in my life. I had to find a way to deal with the fear. So, I got a sponsor and we walked through it together.

There's a lot of help in AA. My sobriety today depends on working with others, regardless of the fear and what lies ahead. God will take care of that stuff if I let Him. Left to my own devices, I'd still be drinking, miserable, locked up or dead. Easy choice for me.

snowgoose

So how did it go with your counselor? You're right about the great big Pity Party in your head. That can get to be a familiar state, dangerous because of that. Was for me. I was suffering from undiagnosed depression when I gave up the booze and got so used to feeling sorry for myself. Eventually I decided that was not a good place to be ("Your mind is a bad neighborhood, don't go in alone") and talked myself into wanting to feel good, not bad. It did take antidepressant medication - not easy to find one that worked without impossible side effects - but I seem to have come out the other end.

Your story could be me, beer cats nearby store and all and no guy or children that I thought I wanted. First I had to stop drinking. Cuz I was proceeding down the slippery slope of alcoholism and at some point I would no longer have the house and cats and couch. It did take a feeling of desperation to get me to AA.