LadyOwl

I wish I could have come in here this week to check in with you all. It's been a total sh**show. There's no real Reader's Digest version, but I'll try.

My sister went to pick up my mom from the physical therapy rehab, a week after she was officially discharged because my sister didn't/couldn't arrange her life; she was closing on a house, which I know and understand is huge, but people all over say the words family emergency and make things happen (people do what they want to do). Sucks because respite care when the insurance cuts you off is way more expensive.

Anyway, she takes my mom home with the intention of having the care manager and new caregiver come the next day and get going with those new arrangements. Care manager thought one night at home without a caregiver but with my sister would be fine. We all should have known that the reason why my mom wasn't asking about alcohol or begging to stop at the liquor store was because she knew she had stashes hidden in the house. We thought a friend had gotten everything out, but you know how it is.

We have no medical proof that she actually drank, but the next day (right when the care manager and caregiver were there, and right when they learned that the plumbing issues my mom had apparently ignored in the house were at critical mass), my mom started throwing up. Had to go to the ER. Because she wasn't showing signs of being visibly drunk, they wouldn't do a tox screen, even though she had been in that same hospital about a month before because they found her drunk on the floor almost dead and had to detox her in the ICU. I'm sure it's common in hospitals because nobody wants to get sued, but <expletive>, are you kidding me?

My sister, instead of extending her stay of four days to make sure my mom could go get to an assisted living facility before she left, went home. The hospital discharged her, but the next facility wouldn't take her right away because the hospital didn't do a TB test and gave us no notice that they were discharging her. "We told the patient," said a nurse to the care manager. The patient? Did you think maybe you might want to call the family?

She then had to stay at some crappy respite place while we hauled major booty and arranged for her to go to assisted living. Meanwhile, my sister is treating me like garbage (because I called her out on leaving my mom high and dry) and being basically incompetent in terms of making arrangements. Manipulating and making sure she lets other people in the family know she's still #1 daughter. And I'm shelling out all this money while I wait for the power of attorney documents to come because some numbskull didn't follow instructions and send them overnight certified, and all the other numbskulls in the process never thought to make a copy before putting the only originals in the mail or f-ing scan it for the record (?????). I know people are human and everyone makes mistakes, but the amount of stress that little bundle of errors has caused is beyond belief.

Anyway, I'm going way long again. There's so much more to the story, but those are the basics (ha). Thanks for listening. My anxiety and insomnia are through the roof again. I'm running on no sleep but can't seem to sleep, even after caving and taking OTC meds (which I hate). I'll get out of this yucky place soon (I know I will; I always do). Meanwhile, I'm relying on some new Internet friends. Thanks, everyone!

Kialua

Sorry this is all happening. Take care of yourself first. I know that sounds impossible, but it is something we learn as we go. Sounds like your sister is a bit emotionally detached and doesn't really care what happens. That can be a good place and in the event you end up with the same response in the future, it will be hard to watch what a parent goes through. But it may be what the parent needs. Sounds hard I know.

seasaw

This sounds allll too familiar, friend! Also I had to chuckle at the idea of leaving your mom high and 'dry' anywhere! I'm just catching up with this thread, I'm out of the country visiting some of my own OOF.

I relate to way too much of what you have written. I don't have siblings so my narcissistic mother treated me like a golden child or a scapegoat and I never knew which it was going to be and of COURSE I didn't know any of that verbiage until recently, so at the time it was always just like, 'which mom am I going to get today, the loving one (and it was a weird love) or the psycho mean one?

Your mom and sister seem just fine making you bear the brunt of their denial/addiction, or at least unable to do anything else... How much involvement/financial responsibility do you wish to have in her ongoing care? Do you see it as a foregone conclusion that you have to ante up 50%?

I was in 'family emergency' mode with my mom a lot for a long time. Hospitals, ERs, blah blah blah. My mom refused treatment over and over, covertly at first (pretending to go along with things, but continuing to gett drunk or sneak/mix pills), and finally she outright "refused treatment" and sent ambulances away. Can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped.

LadyOwl

Uh, you pretty much described that past 15 years (at least) of my life. My wife always says that she used to cringe when I got on the phone with my mom and would basically hold her breath. Are they going to have an argument? Is LadyOwl going to get off the phone crying? Is her mom going to hang up on her? And on and on.

I honestly never thought about the way my mom treated me or saw it how I can see it now. I thought I just had to take it (it being the verbal abuse and the unknown of which mom to get one day to the next). Because she was my mom. Because that was my role. I was originally the golden child ("You never give me an ounce of hassle"; meanwhile, my sister and mom would have crazy fights, like, dragging my sister out of the house by her hair [one time, but still). Now I'm the scapegoat, which is fine, because I'm loving NC.

Quick update (I could stay on these forums with you all for-ev-er): I got the POA! At least I can start finding her accounts so I can attach payment to them instead of me! Drowning in paperwork and feeling overwhelmed but at least got over that hurdle. And a friend convinced me that I should use all tools available to me and ask my doctor for something for the anxiety. Just about all of my recent posts were fueled by insomnia. Last week was bad. Don't want to go back there. I have a fear of dependence, especially now, but dealing with the emotional and logistical whirlwind of the mess my mom has created requires special help. My dear friend said, "Using medication in the short term is not the same as unchecked alcoholism." She gave me some great perspective.

LadyOwl

Oh, hey, so remember this thread when I spilled all about the insanity that started in March? I thought about starting a new one but figured I'd just add on here.

So I finally got the money problem solved. Accessed her investment account and paid myself back and everyone else who contributed. I heard she took the news well, or well enough in that she didn't freak the f out. I knew something was up, though, because my mom and her money ... well, I didn't think she'd just let it go.

Yesterday I let a call from her broker go to voice mail because I had limited time on my lunch hour (and used my new measuring stick of "will this be self-care?"). Hooray for the universe or whoever was watching out for me because she was on the line with the broker and left a b.s. message about how I should send her a check for the money I took out because she was going home next week and we didn't need to pay for another month of assisted living (and to call her, of course, because it's not like I haven't talked to her since April). Even just hearing her voice on the message sent my stomach in a spin.

She also went even further and tried to get the bank to recall the wire transfer, which would have messed up my world so bad. I'm very grateful that Chase actually did something right and called me to confirm her recall. I took great pleasure in saying "absolutely not" multiple times.

My sister, cousin, and I have been discussing at length how we were either going to get her to stay at assisted living or go home with a full-time caregiver (even though her house is still a wreck and needs help). I mean, so many conversations and emails and texts. So much energy. Then I found out that she revoked my power of attorney on her investment account so I have no access to her money. And just a few weeks ago she signed a paper saying the facility can't talk to me or my sister about her medical condition.

I think someone mentioned in a thread a mom who turned an ambulance away, which has stuck with me. My mom isn't quite doing that, but in essence she is continuing what's she's always done--refused help and cut out those who try because she wants to do what she wants to do. In a lot of ways, she has solved my problems. My sister and I can't find care for her or keep her safe in assisted living without money or knowledge of her health condition. Our hands are tied. My sister is visiting for about a week and said she'd help my mom with the house but won't drive her home; she's also quite mad at the stunt my mom pulled with the money. My mom refuses to tell her the name of the care company she called for part-time care.

Her short-term memory problems alone mean that she'll be incapable of managing her medication. Never mind that I'm sure she'll be at the liquor store on her ride home. I think she's going to be back in the hospital or dead in a matter of days. It is so sad, and I'm dealing with a lot of grief, but I've finally gotten a good picture of how little I can control in this situation. It's sad that her almost dying in March wasn't enough of a wakeup call. Even though she's been abusive, I still wouldn't wish this kind of an end on anyone.

I've been reading more threads lately and feeling supported by you all, so thanks.

ajarlson

Thanks for the update. Makes me wonder what would have happened if I had stayed involved in my AM's life and tried to do all those things. My half brother apparently wants to pick that up so more power to him. Everyone that tries to help her eventually realizes that she doesn't want help, she wants someone to take care of her so she can be stoned out of her mind all the time. Why she doesn't just hire someone to do that (she has the money) is beyond me. Take care of yourself, NC with the XAH and the AM have been the two best things I ever did for myself.

LadyOwl

So strange ... she decided to stay in assisted living for another month (and not have my sister take her home). And will now do physical therapy. She refused before (of course she did). She even paid for it! Even though she's been grousing the whole time about how she's paying $7K a month to sit around and watch TV (well, go do one of the bajillion activities offered, then).

My sister is trying to get the house in order (giant task; she needs a professional organizer). Apparently a chunk of the ceiling crumbled and fell into the downstairs because of an old leak in the bathroom. It is so weird that she didn't go home and so much better that she's not there now. Maybe she'll just stay.

It's hard not to get sucked in, but self-care remains my utmost priority!

ajarlson

What good news. What a relief it would be to know my mom was in an assisted care living facility and not have to worry. Even if she was drinking (are there any that allow that?) at least we would know there are people being paid to look after her.

Kialua

Look up the term "wet house". It is a facility that recognizes that the patient is too far in the end stages of alcoholism to stop drinking and allows them to drink and come and go as needed. It is controversial and I don't know what this forum thinks about them. But I understand the question. At least they would be cared for instead of left to who knows what.

CodeJob

Back in the 90's I worked in a nursing home that did allow alcohol. It was locked up in the nurse's station along with the meds! But every time a new CNA came on board, the sly ones would have them buy for them and get sh-- faced! CNA turn over is constant... I was SO shocked to see these little old Southern Ladies drunk off their wheel chairs and walkers!!!

So the controlling of the substance is a real issue as always.

tromboneliness

When my Dad was in his last months, with round-the-clock home care from an agency, I bought a pint of Jack Daniel's and put it in the fridge, with instructions that if he wanted a snort, to give him one -- what was it going to hurt, at that point?

After he died, I realized they hadn't given him any! So I poured it into the river where we'd scattered his ashes -- at least maybe he got a little that way....

T