Navigating a New Swamp

Old 04-03-2015, 08:57 PM
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Navigating a New Swamp

Hi everyone. I’d like to introduce myself with this first post and lean on you all for some support, if that’s OK. There is a long line of addiction in my family, but it really broke open in March, and I’m navigating some swampy waters.

First let me back up. Two years ago, my mom and I had an argument on the phone that ended with her hanging up on me. We’ve had similar arguments during which I try and suggest crunchy-granola ways she might help some of her health problems (like colitis) with acupuncture, dietary changes, etc. She never wants to hear any of it, ever. I’m the baby in the family, and I think she especially can’t cope with the fact that I’m an adult now, with thoughts and feelings and opinions that don’t match hers. She cuts people out all the time, but I never thought she’d do it to me. I didn’t think it was any kind of epic fight, but she blocked my emails, refused to respond to letters, and even went so far as to email me to tell me she wouldn’t open a letter I sent because she was going through a tough time and "didn’t need more adversity" in her life.” Not talking to her weighed heavily on me—lots of feelings of abandonment, rejection, confusion, anger, especially because I had a bit of a similar situation with my dad before he died. He was an addict and alcoholic, the extent of which I didn’t really know about until after he died (when I was in college, many years ago).

I did talk to my mom once last year when she was in the hospital, but not the second time. My sister and I have had arguments about the issue, the last one in January being so bad that I really didn’t want to talk to her either. She’s the golden daughter who goes home to visit regularly but goes off the radar and keeps people out of her life (she thinks being involved with your family means visiting, and I counter that there are other ways to be supportive and show up). I give her space to be who she is, but she was very hurtful during our last argument so I have been keeping her at arm’s length.

On March 7, my family found out that my mom had been in the ICU since March 2 because her neighbor found her on her bedroom floor (after noticing the mail was piling up). My mom probably fell and had a mild heart attack; it’s possible that she was on the floor for at least a day, probably two. She had enough alcohol in her system that they had to detox her in the ICU, and after being in the hospital almost two weeks she had to go to a facility for physical therapy. They also found evidence of an older stroke.

When my sister told me what happened, I made the mistake of mentioning that I had a freelance deadline on March 13 and might need to wait before going to visit my mom, and that because she hadn’t talked to me in two years the situation was difficult. She screamed at me and said that I had to “be a daughter” and go. The punch line to that fight is that I went to visit my mom for a week as soon as I could, and yet my sister is going for just four days when my mom is released next week.

I told myself that I was going to visit my mom to support her, to help her get better (not hash out why she cut me out), but because of her general angry nature (alcoholism plus probably narcissist personality disorder stuff, persecution complex, middle-child syndrome, etc.) and some alcohol-related dementia, she was verbally abusive most of the time I was there. We had some good talks about family memories, her grandparents, stuff like that, but she also called me multiple times and screamed at me because I wouldn’t give her money, because I was controlling her life by keeping her at the facility (which, by the way, wasn’t rehab for alcohol, just rehab for physical therapy), etc. After the last phone conversation, which was terrible, I decided that I’m done with her toxic sh** and am essentially going no contact. She left me one or two more messages after that but I think has figured out that I’m not calling her back.

I went to one ACoA meeting this week (not sure if it’s for me), and I feel like I’m having sort of a backward chronology in terms of growing up with family alcoholism but only facing it now, long after I’ve been out of the house. I knew my mom drank but had no idea it was this bad and have gone through so many cycles of “I should have done something to stop it” (intellectually I know I couldn’t, but that gut feeling won’t go away), “I’m so angry at her,” “she can rot for all I care,” etc.

The verbal abuse, especially when I stopped everything in my life and went to see her (after she cut me out for two years) and have been busting my ass with logistics in terms of her care going forward (care manager, caregiver, lawyer, financial advisor, etc., etc.), has pushed me over the edge. My sister is taking her home on April 11 and I swear that date can’t come fast enough. I had to put my credit card down for a lot of stuff for her healthcare, and every day brings a new flurry of texts and emails and phone calls about her situation. She has created such a mess, literal and emotional.

Except for my cousin, who is like a sister to me, the rest of my family is in various states of denial about the severity of the situation and my mom’s alcoholism and behavior. Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to aliens. I had to tell my one aunt that, no, my mom couldn’t have just one glass of wine at some point in the future. That if she did she would f**k up her brain exponentially more.

I’ve got quite a lot of the traits from the laundry list. I never knew that’s what they were before. I think the thing I’m struggling most with right now is how to set boundaries and stop caring about what the family of origin thinks of me. I’m sure the heaps of guilt are coming when they figure out I’m not talking to my mom, but I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself. I am so emotionally exhausted.

This post is gigantic, so thanks for listening. I’ve been reading threads around here and feeling supported, even just by lurking. Thank you!
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Old 04-04-2015, 03:38 AM
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Hi, Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you need to be here. It sounds as if your mom has done a real number on herself. That's sad. But, she is a grown-up. She has made her choices. You need to let her destroy herself if that is what she chose.

No one but those of us who have lived it will understand. Your FOO probably won't be supportive but you have to take care of you first. Also don't ever again put out a single penny to help your mom. You have no legal responsibility to do so and if you do it voluntarily you could wind up being on the hook in the future.

Its quiet here since it is a holiday weekend so please be patient. It may be a few days before you get more responses.
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Old 04-04-2015, 06:35 AM
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Sorry to hear about all that... Take care of yourself -- if nothing else, at least there are a lot of good Al-Anon groups in the Chicago area! (I used to live in the northern suburbs.)

Good luck!

T
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Old 04-04-2015, 07:21 AM
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Thank you, happybeingme and tromboneliness. It was hard to pour all that out to strangers but also felt quite good. I think I'll try an Al-Anon group next.

I swear my mom has a spidey sense. She just called and left me a message (some b.s. about telling my aunt to bring her short-sleeved shirts because it's warmer now). I'd say that her brain is jacked because of the alcohol, but she's always been like that: terrible, angry spew in one call followed by a request for something or general conversation, as if nothing happened.

My sister said yesterday something like, "She must be doing better. I haven't gotten any crazy calls. LOL." I'm like, yeah, let's all laugh about her crazy calls. Verbal abuse is hysterical. My sister has been on the receiving end of very few, while my cousin, aunt, and I have taken so much. It's unreal. And my mom also cut out my cousin and aunt (my aunt for a very long time). We were the ones who wound up rushing to her side during this ordeal. My sister and my other aunt haven't done much. Although now my sister has to do a lot in terms of the discharge, which sent her into a panic. She's just like my mom (blame, anger as a first response). Everything is someone else's fault.

Anyway! I hope I have more time to explore more of the forums soon. Thank you all!
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Old 04-04-2015, 07:48 AM
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A few years ago my Dad ended up in the same kind of position-hospital, detoxing, in a rehab facility. He has Parkinson's so that is another part of the sh*t show.

Today he is sober and scared to death to take another drink. He didn't tell the doctors how much alcohol he had been drinking so he was hallucinating, and can't remember almost an entire month.

Either she will get it or she won't. I suggest AlAnon and talk to the people at the rehab facility. They have seen all kinds of stuff-I bet you they have ideas for support, for her and for you.

I love my drama free life and anyone who threatens my serenity-I bring out my bag of tricks. Today I love myself and I treat myself and others with respect. If people cannot treat me with respect then I build a safe place for myself in the relationship, whatever that means. If I don't take care of me-I'm not good to anyone else.

I love Co Dependant No More by Melonie Beattie (sp?) I have found copies at Good Will for a couple of bucks. I usually just buy them when I see them and give them out as needed.
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Old 04-04-2015, 02:31 PM
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Dealing with family can be very rough. It takes me a lot of energy and time to move closer and closer to being in a space where I am completely solid with "you don't owe anyone anything". I'm not required to play-along and pretend the abuse never happened. They are not required to acknowledge the abuse either. So, I try to figure out what's best for me. I need to remind myself that I am worthy of proper treatment and not even supposed "family" gets a free pass. There's another person in the room that matters too -- and that's me. They're not the only one whose feelings matter. It's especially hard for me to just let family experience the consequences of their behavior. How many people in their life would tolerate the kinds of things they said to me, and come try to work-it-out. Very few I bet. Most people walk away without a second thought. And there I go, walking into the flame again. Maybe they'll be nice this time.

They are not the only people that need love, kindness, and respect. I need it too.

It is ABSOLUTELY ok to take care of myself. Reminder, reminder, reminder. I'm not a bad person when I walk away from abuse. Not at all. I deserve to be treated with respect. period. No excuses, no "i'll let that slide". Respect.

That's for me.

For you, I would suggest to think about who you are - what you like, what you don't. Try to be the authentic person you are. You don't need anyone's permission on decisions that you make. Just you. What works for you.
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Old 04-04-2015, 06:34 PM
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some people just don't and never will "get it".
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Old 04-05-2015, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by thotful View Post
It is ABSOLUTELY ok to take care of myself. Reminder, reminder, reminder. I'm not a bad person when I walk away from abuse. Not at all. I deserve to be treated with respect. period. No excuses, no "i'll let that slide". Respect.
Yes, yes, yes.

What I keep coming back to is the idea that I would never (ever) let a friend treat me the way my mom has. Never. If someone yelled at me, cut me out, and then came back to yell some more while I was there to help, with a complete disregard for my feelings or the consequences of that kind of treatment, I would say, yeah, no thanks, so long. And I had the same feelings with my sister when she laid into me.

Just because I shared the first portion of my life with these people doesn't mean they have an automatic pass to stomp all over me. And they don't have to be a part of my life now. I feel like this idea goes completely counter to what a lot of people say about "family matters the most" and "blood is thicker than water." Somehow you're supposed to just take what's dished out, because it's coming from the original family. Better to surround myself with chosen family. It's just really hard to do. Hard to drown out the noise of conditioning and triangulating and rationalizing and minimizing.
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Old 04-05-2015, 08:41 PM
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Yes some people will never get it and some of those people can be our own siblings. And they can be hardest on us and wound us the deepest. One would think it would be "us" against the alcoholic, being a team to master the chaos, but it's not. We all relate how we can to the alcoholic and the alcoholic manipulates and keeps us apart for their own reasons, at least in my family of origin. As you read through this forum you will see you are not alone and most of us have experienced these same situations.

Emotional detachment is what helped me get through those experiences, tempered with undeserved forgiveness, but not excusing behavior.
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Old 04-06-2015, 09:33 AM
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Welcome to the Forum LadyOwl!!
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Old 04-06-2015, 11:30 AM
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Glad you're here, and glad you're questioning why we put up with behavior from some people (moms) that we would NEVER tolerate from anyone else. I went NC in August and, while she's still trying to get at me (about to post something new!) it's the most peaceful I have been in - well maybe ever.
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Old 04-08-2015, 03:29 PM
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Thank you, everyone! It's been a wild week so far. Sorry I haven't been around. Every day I have little pockets of peace that are then smashed to bits by the latest flare-up of drama and logistics. What a mess.

I thought my sister would flip out about how I'm not talking to my mom now, but she didn't (shocked!). My mom had been calling me at least once a day, leaving me voice mails (no way I'm picking up!) and freaking out about her house keys and arrangements for when she's going home. She got all agitated when the care manager and lawyer went with paperwork for her to sign (power of attorney with healthcare proxy) and wouldn't do it. So they have to go back again later, after she has a chance to look over and comment on everything. I pretty much called it (that she wouldn't sign). It's like the woman goes out of her way to be difficult, but I know she is just LOVING the fact that all of this drama and b.s. is swirling around her. The center of attention, yet again.

Her memory is shot, so the care manager had to remind her how they've been talking about her discharge every day. My sister is going on Friday and will take her home on Saturday. The live-in caregiver is starting Sunday. I know my mom equates going home with drinking, so my sister knows they're going to clash. I don't think my sister quite realizes the extent of it (I should put my phone on do not disturb now!). I imagine it will get ugly. My mom listens to my sister, though, and doesn't verbally abuse her (not to the extent that she does with me). But my sister hasn't ever gotten in between my mom and the bottle, so it's a new frontier for everyone.

I really can't believe how much money my mom's care is going to be for the duration. And all of this because of her alcoholism. Never mind the cost of wrecked relationships. Can't assign a monetary cost to those.

Maybe I'll check out an Al-Anon meeting this weekend. And spend more time on the forums.
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Old 04-08-2015, 03:34 PM
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Funny, thought my half brother would get on my case for going NC with my AM but he just asked and I told him and never heard another word about it. Thankful for small favors. Stay on the forum LadyOwl! Always good to have more people around that can empathize with each other.
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Old 04-08-2015, 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted by ajarlson View Post
Funny, thought my half brother would get on my case for going NC with my AM but he just asked and I told him and never heard another word about it. Thankful for small favors. Stay on the forum LadyOwl! Always good to have more people around that can empathize with each other.
Right? I was totally expecting another fight with my sister, with commentary about how I "need to be a daughter" or whatever. She said she thought things were better between us and asked if I had any good times with my mom when I was visiting. I was like, yeah, maybe a few conversations, in between the yelling and screaming at me.

I'm perfectly fine with having my sister be the golden child. When we were growing up, she and my mom fought so much, and I was the good one. Because my mom always needs an enemy, the tables turned. I'll take drama-free NC, thank you very much.
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Old 04-08-2015, 03:44 PM
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Yup. No drama is my goal.
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Old 04-08-2015, 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by ajarlson View Post
Yup. No drama is my goal.
I need that on a shirt, please. Or a cross-stitch sampler for my office.
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Old 04-08-2015, 09:25 PM
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No Drama Is My Goal! I love that on a t-shirt too so I made one
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Old 04-09-2015, 06:01 AM
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Originally Posted by LadyOwl View Post
Her memory is shot...
But there's probably still that reserve of clarity available to call up, when the doc asks how much she drinks -- to put on the earnest face and solemnly swear that she hasn't had a drink in years -- sobriety is the only reason she's still alive, it's the most important thing, above all else!

My Dad could do that -- not that he'd claim to be 100% sober, but he'd tell the cardiologist that he just had an occasional drink now and then, like everyone else, certainly not to excess, because that's unhealthy, and he's much too smart to take bad care of himself like that, as is obvious to everyone who knows him, and that's how he's always been... etc., etc.

And then he'd sneak out of bed at midnight and make himself a(nother) Manhattan, spilling a lot of it on the floor wobbling back to his bedroom....

T
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Old 04-11-2015, 08:51 PM
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Just wanted to come in here and say that my sister is thinking out loud with all kinds of b.s. about how maybe my mom's getting drunk and falling down and being on the floor for days was one drunk incident. Like, yeah, maybe her problem isn't so bad. Sure.

The denial. It's staggering.
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Old 04-15-2015, 08:08 AM
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Denial. Yes. Reminds me of when my siblings that had moved out would bring gifts of expensive liquor to my alcoholic dad. When I tried to get them to stop doing that they would say, "he isn't that bad anymore" just because they weren't getting beat anymore, but I still was. Didn't register with them. People can only see as far as their own nose and what affects them. ugh.
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