fullroomlonely

A little back story, my dad recently passed away. While my moms always drank a lot and inappropriately, now after his passing she just drinks and sleeps- and she's a miserable drunk might I add. My brother and I live away from home and are successful in our lives/careers however we have a younger sister still living at home unfortunately. We've considered gaining custody but it is not feasible at this time. I visit most weekends to defuse drunk mom and distract my sister. However now I'm to the point where I just want my mom out of the picture, so we can all move on. I don't feel like a bad person, but I know these aren't normal thoughts a daughter has. Has anyone wished their alcoholic parent would die? Mom doesn't care if she lives or dies, she has zero memory, can't keep any food down if she eats at all, coughs all time, among other things. Any insight into her state?

biminiblue

Well, she isn't giving you a lot of reason to want her around, is she?

Why can't you rescue your sister? That would be my top priority.

fullroomlonely

We both work ALOT and travel extensively for work. We live about 24 hours driving distance from each other and I live a few hours (enough to visit frequently on weekends) from Mom. We have no spouses or significant others to help us, should one of us seek custody. Neither are ideal situations for a high school student. She has one more year and we're counting down the days till graduation/she turns 18 or Mom dies. It's frustrating to be so helpless.

lissy52

I've wished my mum dead for years and years, going back and two from feeling guilty for thinking it and then really not caring at all! She doesn't care about anyone but herself and clearly isn't bothered if she dies and has threatened suicide on many occasions.

I know exactly where you're coming from and if your mum dies the whole ordeal is over...for everyone involved including your mum. You are not the first person to think these thoughts and I'm pretty certain you won't be the last. We are human and can only take so much.

EveningRose

I looked forward to the day my grandmother would die, hoping there would finally be peace. I do not feel at all guilty. If people make themselves miserable and make other people miserable, of course people will hope they disappear. My only mistake was not realizing that my mother was determined to carry on the fight even after she died, and how bad the poison was in our own family. I won't miss my mother, either, when she dies, because she's given me no reason to. I don't feel guilty for that, either. She has chosen to live this way, and she herself always lectured me that if I didn't make myself pleasant to be around, people wouldn't want to be around me. I guess she proved her point. ;-)

Kialua

It can seem daunting to take care of a minor but it can be done. I frequently and for many years took care of a nephew who was in need. I had to change careers and I had to change my home location. But it was the right thing to do for me. I have never regretted it.

Hawkeye13

I was relieved when my mom died.
I didn't feel guilty at all. She made my life frequently unbearable for many years.

I had dreams of killing her, and felt terrible when I would wake up from them.

Though I knew underneath the addiction
she was a person just like me who was hurting deeply, she hurt others who had done nothing
to deserve it.

She had stopped living long before she died.

Don't feel bad
but do everything possible to get your sister out of that hell ASAP

airwick

FullRoomOnly: Sometimes things just seem to get so mixed-up, hell breaks loose, can't try any longer, it just doesn't seem worth the bother. You want that part of your life out of the picture, gone, finished, yes dead

Do not feel guilty, they have done enough harm in our lives, we have to be strong and move on. Take what we love with us and go.

jaynie04

What a horrible situation. I can't imagine being old enough to understand what is going on, and having to endure it daily, but not having options. I agree with the others here, I would gently encourage you to help your sister.

Could you explore alternative living situations in her hometown? Another family?

Could you contact school/teachers and see if they could suggest resources?

Does your sister see a therapist? If you belong to a church is there a pastor you could confer with?

I know your sister is not your child, but she is a child. I feel really strongly about any child being left in such circumstances. I can't imagine having to go to high school and then go home at night to deal with a living corpse, I am sorry but that is what your mother sounds like. It must be traumatizing for all of you, but if you have those thoughts from afar can you imagine what it feels like to be stuck there?

Most of us are adult children. I think one of the most overwhelming feelings I still have from childhood is that of being trapped. It was awful, and I couldn't leave. It is like being in a house that is on fire, and you are watching the rest of the world go about their business from an upstairs windows.

You all have been damaged by this, and your sister will likely have a lot to work out for a long time. If you could find her someplace in the same town so she could finish her education but at least maintain some constant it sounds like that would be best.

I am so sorry for all of you in this awful situation.

DesertEyes

Okay people, a few reminder on how to actually help people on this forum.

- Do _not_ tell people what they _should_ do. Alcoholic / dysfunctional parents have been doing that our entire lives. Kindly refrain from stepping into their role.

- Share only your personal experience. If you have taken in an under age sibling your experience is welcome. If you have _not_ then kindly do not tell other people what you think they should do.

- If you ignore these rules and tell someone what you think they should do, stop and walk away. Do not add insult to injury by _repeating_ the command again and again. That is called _harrasement_.

- If you feel the urge to ignore the rules then walk away from the computer. Go get some air, go around the block. Come back tomorrow when you are in a better frame of mind.

The full guidelines are here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery.

NWGRITS

I've been wishing my mother dead for years. She'd be better off that way, honestly. She's gotten herself to the brink a couple of times and then somehow rallied back to life. I still feel like it won't be long before she's finally at peace, though. In my mind, she died two years ago when I went No Contact. I wish the best for you and for your sister. Hopefully something will work out for all of you soon.

tromboneliness

Yes, absolutely. My Mom died in 2008, and after that, my Dad (who lingered for a bit less than two years) was just a PITA, raging control freak, and generally impossible. Not only did I want the whole ordeal to be over, but I can't deny daydreaming about what might happen if, say, a strong radio signal were to be aimed in his general direction, possibly playing havoc with his pacemaker, which might make it go haywire, and... well, that's as far as I need to go with that, but you get the idea. Those are the sorts of thoughts I had, at the time. Since he died in 2010, I've still been struggling with some leftover anger, but it's gotten a lot better. This stuff isn't easy!

T

gingasaurus

When I was younger I often got so mad at my mother that I would just wish and pray and hope that something horrific would happen to her. When I was 16 we had a huge fight and I never spoke to her again. I would often tell people that she was dead to me or might as well be dead for all I care.

Three years ago she died. Since then everyone that knew her has completely forgotten all the terrible things she did and she's become a saint. I still feel guilty for wishing she was dead, for not talking to her, for being so angry that I can't confront her now or ever have any kind of closure. I get so mad when people on Facebook talk about how much they love and miss her when she made my life such hell.

I can't quite come to terms with the disparate accounts of my memories and experiences with everyone else's. Some days I'm so depressed that she's gone, but it's not her I miss, it's the hope that one day she'd be better and I'd have a normal relationship with my mother that I really mourn. When I cry it's not for her it's for what could have been and what I never had the chance to have.

DoubleDragons

One of my close friend's father died recently and she is devastated. I honestly feel like it would be so much relief if my parents would pass and that thought fills me with horror at myself. It is not so much that I want harm or death to them or anyone per se, it just feels like the only way I could remove my feeling of debt, obligation, guilt, walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc. that comes with being the child of these people. Luckily, my sibling feels the same way so we have each other to commiserate.

Mike, thanks for reminding everyone that is isn't so easy to save our siblings from our parents. We have had a hard time saving ourselves. I have spent my whole life mothering my younger sister and she thanks me for that all of the time because she knows I don't feel like I have any mother figure in my life. Still, it makes me so sad and sick when she says this because I realize how completely inadequate and ill-equipped I was to be anyone's mother in my teens and early twenties. My mother loves to tell the story of how my sister weeped and weeped after my wedding and my honeymoon send-off. (I married quite young. (age 23) Luckily, my guardian angel had my back on this one because my husband is my best friend and my true love and we are still together after 20 years of marriage, but honestly, an enormous part of me got married early to "escape" my parents. There is an on-going theme here, right?? ) Anyway, my mother wanted to paint this Norman Rockwell picture of my sister crying because we were such a close knit family and I had broken away to get married, but the reality is that she was crying her eyes out because she knew she had to face home-life with the crazy narcissistic parents without me. Again, I had an enormous amount of guilt when I heard about her tears, but we were both in survival mode. I hadn't had any therapy and in fact, a lot of me was still brain-washed to believe that my parents were all wonderful, just so amazing, and my sister and I just didn't measure up. My husband's parents were both alcoholics and all five kids just dispersed. They have lived all of the country, some all over the world with no desire to get back together - not because they hate each other, they just hate the memories. Fullroom, you and your siblings are all equal victims of lousy parenting. Just keep showering your sister with as much love as you can. Hugs!!!

tromboneliness

That's why I avoid most of my extended family -- they have this idea that my parents were smart, fun people who were a barrel of laughs and were exciting to be around. And it must be admitted that they could be all of that -- but that was not the everyday way it was. Being their kid was tough. A few people get that, but most don't.

In the last year and a half of my Dad's life, it was basically him and my cousins against me. I was the only one who wouldn't put up with his demands -- everyone else was wrapped around his little finger.

(Parenthetically, Beethoven was like that -- a raging control freak to end all raging control freaks. His attempts to control his sister and her son got really, really ugly, to the point where the nephew attempted suicide. I've never read an account of Beethoven from the point of view of alcoholism and family dysfunction, but that stuff is written all over it. Maynard Solomon's biography is a good source, actually -- he doesn't talk about alcoholism, but he was a psychologist, so has a lot of insight into the control/relationship aspects....)

T

Synfull Vyxun

I wished my mother would die for many years now, then I can live my own life with no hassles, I thought she may have finally made my wishes come true when she fell down the stairs a few times and the last fall before I left, she actually fractured her skull, I was hoping that was it, don't get me wrong I love her, but I hate the person she has become and I feel my life would be better without my parents to answer to. I don't go out, I don't drink, I stay home and study and still I get in trouble, most 28 years old girls round here are still out partying and having a life on the weekends. All my family get to do and drink what they want when they want, but then they try to run my life, even from 12 thousand miles away, I still have no escape. I cut contact with A mother, but still hear from the father which is only when A mother has been in contact with him to whinge that I am having a happy life, as people tell her I seem so happy on facebook, they all assume this and I hate it.

Just know you are not alone, and you are not a bad daughter, but I would advise helping your sister get out of there.

kudzujean

This one's a keeper:

chicory

You are not alone.

My siblings and I used to sit around and think up things that could happen to her, and laugh. We made fun of her, and thought up awful things.( she had no idea we did this) But I know in my heart that we only did that out of our great pain and frustration...it was our only power in that situation.It was the only way we could fight back. And it did help a little. at least we did not have to seethe in hatred , it helped to vent. Maybe it would help your sister too.

Its the most frustrating feeling in the world , to me, to watch someone pour that poison down their throat, knowing its affect is death to them and misery to the rest of us. If an innocent child cannot reach the parents heart, I don't know what can.

I don't feel guilty now, about our evil venting sessions.. I feel sad that we were hurting so badly, and had to rely on those expressions to just survive the sadness, loneliness and pain. She is dead and we know she was very sick. I am sad that her life was so wasted. I am glad I am here though, and it was worth it, just to live the life I appreciate now.

I wonder if your sister has friends, or if she escapes and is able to socialize with others. Talking with her, letting her vent, would probably be very helpful to her as well. I too married young and left two teen sisters and a young brother behind. We talked a lot, and they came to my house often. That is when we did our lovely venting sessions...

My littlest brother was from her second marriage. My wonderful step dad , who divorced her due to her beginning to drink heavily, finally went ahead to get custody of him. We were very happy. It still did not stop my mom from drinking. she only stopped when she lost a kidney, and the doctors told her that she had to stop, or she would die. I often think that was the most selfish reason she had .... she had four children whose lives were miserable, yet it is what it is.

I only wish we had had someone to help us , some counseling, so that our adult lives would not have been filled with such dysfunction.

Perhaps you can encourage her to get into some counsel. It will help her a lot, if she has not already been doing that.

sorry for the novel. I feel your pain strongly.

big hugs.

tromboneliness

Boy am I glad my father never figured out how to use the mobile phone! You can block those people, though, who keep relaying information to your M....

T

NWGRITS

I won't attend my AM's funeral whenever she passes. I'm a fairly sane person, but I know myself well enough to be certain that the gobs of ******** about how wonderful she was would drive me to a nervous breakdown right there in front of family and her former coworkers (some very high-ranking military officers and civilian employees). A good number of our former neighbors and friends have recently learned of her alcoholism and most are genuinely shocked that my perfect mother is a drunk. She is one of those who could fool the world with her charm because she's an NPD. No, I don't feel any guilt at all about not paying my respects. She never respected me, so there's nothing here to give.