PLEASE help me........
:-(
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Toowoomba, Queensland
Posts: 160
PLEASE help me........
So now the message to cut all contact with my A mother....... again......
(all opinions and views greatly accepted and wanted as I don't want this to blow up in my face, I just want peace and happiness and to be left alone to rule my life how I want to, answering to no one but my own conscience. )
Mother,
I am so happy to hear that you are doing well now and congratulations on the job, I hope this continues and your life is a happy one.
I am sorry but I cannot stay in contact with you here on facebook, I will send you cards now and then to your home address.
Just talking to you in the last couple of days has brought back so many bad memories and sent me off looking (ripping my heart out again) at all the evidence of the disease you have. Alcoholism.
I wish it wasn't true and sometimes I wish I didn't try and get proof for my own sanity. It disgusts me how you treated your only child.
You are in denial so much that I cannot stand to talk or even think about you. I know I cannot change or fix you, I hope you can do this for yourself, in your own time.
I hope you understand that I do love you and wish you all the best but you have hurt me so much and I am not yet ready to forgive and forget.
I am getting help with this but I know it is going to take time. Please be patient. I know I am not the perfect child, but I try my best, and I am nowhere near the worst like you seem to think, or make me feel anyway.
Your views on me are very bad and one day I hope you do get to know the real me, but until then I have got to go and live my own life, not answering to you and dad all the time. It is my life. I am going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, but only I can do it.
I love you so much and wish you all the best for the future, whatever path you may take. I hope it is a happy one for you.
(all opinions and views greatly accepted and wanted as I don't want this to blow up in my face, I just want peace and happiness and to be left alone to rule my life how I want to, answering to no one but my own conscience. )
Mother,
I am so happy to hear that you are doing well now and congratulations on the job, I hope this continues and your life is a happy one.
I am sorry but I cannot stay in contact with you here on facebook, I will send you cards now and then to your home address.
Just talking to you in the last couple of days has brought back so many bad memories and sent me off looking (ripping my heart out again) at all the evidence of the disease you have. Alcoholism.
I wish it wasn't true and sometimes I wish I didn't try and get proof for my own sanity. It disgusts me how you treated your only child.
You are in denial so much that I cannot stand to talk or even think about you. I know I cannot change or fix you, I hope you can do this for yourself, in your own time.
I hope you understand that I do love you and wish you all the best but you have hurt me so much and I am not yet ready to forgive and forget.
I am getting help with this but I know it is going to take time. Please be patient. I know I am not the perfect child, but I try my best, and I am nowhere near the worst like you seem to think, or make me feel anyway.
Your views on me are very bad and one day I hope you do get to know the real me, but until then I have got to go and live my own life, not answering to you and dad all the time. It is my life. I am going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, but only I can do it.
I love you so much and wish you all the best for the future, whatever path you may take. I hope it is a happy one for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi renegayd 
When I cut contact, I just cut contact.
The longer you make your goodbye message I think the more opportunity you give people to respond and carry on a conversation you don't want to have.
If you feel the need for an explanation, maybe try to distill all that into one or two sentences?
D
When I cut contact, I just cut contact.
The longer you make your goodbye message I think the more opportunity you give people to respond and carry on a conversation you don't want to have.
If you feel the need for an explanation, maybe try to distill all that into one or two sentences?
D
:-(
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Toowoomba, Queensland
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Raider 
Why do you want to do this?
I want to cut my mother off again, as all the anxieties are back, the stress and worries and old memories are back, I want to start a new life without answering to my mother every time I do something wrong, want to try something new, or make a new friend etc.
I feel I have to at least tell her as if I just delete her off facebook again, my father will ring me and give me grief and tell me to talk to her and keep in contact.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
((renegayd)) I know this must be a very difficult time for you. I admire you for seeking support to help you get through this.
When I had to cut contact, I had a million things I wanted to say. In the end...I said nothing. I wasn't ready and I was too angry. Time has a way of healing our wounds. I hope you can find some peace and happiness as you work through your feelings. You deserve it.
When I had to cut contact, I had a million things I wanted to say. In the end...I said nothing. I wasn't ready and I was too angry. Time has a way of healing our wounds. I hope you can find some peace and happiness as you work through your feelings. You deserve it.
:-(
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Toowoomba, Queensland
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Opivotal
((renegayd)) I know this must be a very difficult time for you. I admire you for seeking support to help you get through this.
When I had to cut contact, I had a million things I wanted to say. In the end...I said nothing. I wasn't ready and I was too angry. Time has a way of healing our wounds. I hope you can find some peace and happiness as you work through your feelings. You deserve it.
When I had to cut contact, I had a million things I wanted to say. In the end...I said nothing. I wasn't ready and I was too angry. Time has a way of healing our wounds. I hope you can find some peace and happiness as you work through your feelings. You deserve it.
I just feel I cannot just delete her off facebook as then she will start on my father again who will be ringing me 2moro morning and telling me off.
:-(
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Toowoomba, Queensland
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Raider
Must be pretty awful to make you decide to cut your mom out of your life for good. I'm sorry that happened. Blessings.
I love my mother and wish I didn't have to do this, but for both our sakes I must, I tried to help her but only she can help herself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm coming in late here
why do you feel that your mother ringing your father would be your responsibility tho Renegayd?
Could you speak to your father as well and tell him not to pass this on to you?
D
I just feel I cannot just delete her off facebook as then she will start on my father again who will be ringing me 2moro morning and telling me off.
Could you speak to your father as well and tell him not to pass this on to you?
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
There would be no big gestures, speeches or letters from me if I was doing that. And I am to some degree.
If I am asked why I have not been in contact I simply say 'You are an adult and it is your choice to drink. I am an adult and it is my choice not to have contact with you when you drink'
Thats it, no more, no less.
No further discussions are needed.
The other thing I woulds say, and I am guessing you are a young adult in terms of age, is that Facebook is for you and your friends to network on and communicate with.
You should use it to have fun, to laugh about the things people in your age group laugh at or have interests in. It is a lighthearted communication tool and should only be used in this way.
If my daughter was old enough, and I will when she is old enough, I would tell her not to be friends with me on it. I'm her mum. She does not need me knowing what she is up to (unless she is danger) and who with.
She won't want her crusty old mum knowing who she has a crush on or that she is the best looking girl in year 12 as voted by year 13 boys!
Thats for her to experience as apart of growing up, not for me to be seeing.
I wish you well. xx
PS I am not saying this happens with boys and your facebook at all. I'm just using that scenario to illustrate how I think it should be for a 13/14 year old girl. I understand you are older and much, much more mature
If I am asked why I have not been in contact I simply say 'You are an adult and it is your choice to drink. I am an adult and it is my choice not to have contact with you when you drink'
Thats it, no more, no less.
No further discussions are needed.
The other thing I woulds say, and I am guessing you are a young adult in terms of age, is that Facebook is for you and your friends to network on and communicate with.
You should use it to have fun, to laugh about the things people in your age group laugh at or have interests in. It is a lighthearted communication tool and should only be used in this way.
If my daughter was old enough, and I will when she is old enough, I would tell her not to be friends with me on it. I'm her mum. She does not need me knowing what she is up to (unless she is danger) and who with.
She won't want her crusty old mum knowing who she has a crush on or that she is the best looking girl in year 12 as voted by year 13 boys!
Thats for her to experience as apart of growing up, not for me to be seeing.
I wish you well. xx
PS I am not saying this happens with boys and your facebook at all. I'm just using that scenario to illustrate how I think it should be for a 13/14 year old girl. I understand you are older and much, much more mature
:-(
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Toowoomba, Queensland
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Dee74
I'm coming in late here
why do you feel that your mother ringing your father would be your responsibility tho Renegayd?
Could you speak to your father as well and tell him not to pass this on to you?
D
why do you feel that your mother ringing your father would be your responsibility tho Renegayd?
Could you speak to your father as well and tell him not to pass this on to you?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I think as an adult you're entitled to make your own choices, particularly if the choices others want you to make are not in your best interests.
It's not easy going no contact, but I found it a lot easier than kinda sorta almost going no contact, y'know?
D
It's not easy going no contact, but I found it a lot easier than kinda sorta almost going no contact, y'know?
D
:-(
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Toowoomba, Queensland
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Dee74
I think as an adult you're entitled to make your own choices, particularly if the choices others want you to make are not in your best interests.
It's not easy going no contact, but I found it a lot easier than kinda sorta almost going no contact, y'know?
D
It's not easy going no contact, but I found it a lot easier than kinda sorta almost going no contact, y'know?
D
At least this is how I feel
I do not want to never talk to my mother again, one day I hope we can get over all this and talk again. but not yet
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
If I were you I would have a heart to heart with your dad and tell him that he is not to get involved even if your mum tries to involve him. Tell him simply that right now you need to distance yourself from your mum and you need him to respect that. If he cant then you cant talk to him. It may be harsh but sometimes parents just cant respect boundaries. They dont think boundaries should apply to them because they believe they always have their childrens best interest at heart
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by renegayd
I have already left her once, I told no one, booked a plane, met up with my dad at the hotel near the airport, said goodbye to him and flew 12 thousand miles away to Australia, and had no contact, but now mother lost the pub, so she has to live in a house with the guy she had an affair with, she still drinks and parties and I want nothing to do with her until she gets help. I have told her this but then she has been texting my father who then gives me grief and tells me to contact her.
I just feel I cannot just delete her off facebook as then she will start on my father again who will be ringing me 2moro morning and telling me off.
I just feel I cannot just delete her off facebook as then she will start on my father again who will be ringing me 2moro morning and telling me off.
If he violates that directive (which he will), he's no contact, too.
Otherwise, you're just giving them a 12,000-mile-long leash to jerk you around with. I'm hearing self-rationalizations for why this "can't" be done -- but the end result is that they've still got the leash, and they still use it.
T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I grew up with alcoholic mother, father who was physically present but mentally absent, divorce, etc. I moved away to go to college (which I paid for with student loans and money from waitressing), when I was 18 and never moved back.
When I graduated I moved to a big city and started a new life. That was 29 years ago. I doubt my father ever knew half of my addresses, my mother was interested only if there was something in it for her. I found work that I loved in 2 different fields over the years, developed a wide circle of girlfriends, had roommates, dated a lot, married at 31, had a child at 40. Things are good, and they are better now because I am sober.
Ren, the point is, I disengaged from the toxicity. I moved on. My parents didn't need to give me permission to live my own life. I needed them when I was a child, and it would have been lovely to grow up in a secure home, but that wasn't the hand I was dealt. Because I created my own life I make the choice as to how much or how little they are involved in it.
I know it is difficult to separate, attachment is a big deal in our development. But to keep going back to a well that is dry hurts only you. You know they have let you down, big time. I am by no means dismissing your hurts, they are valid and real. What I am suggesting is that by looking backwards you are depriving yourself of moving forward.
As children of alcoholics we get very good at being vigilant, trying to anticipate how we can mitigate hurts and disappointments. We orbit around the unhealthy one in the family and when we remove that from our lives it is difficult for us to find our bearings.
I am not sure if you have read CoDependent No More, but I would recommend it. I also have learned an enormous amount by reading the Family and Friends forum here, as an ACOA I imagine you would too.
I believe Facebook should be a reflection of our lives, the lives we are out living. I don't think we should place value on ourselves because of it. If it is not adding to your life, amend it or get rid of it.
It is ok to cut the cord and move on. You might feel a bit lost at first without your mother sucking up all the air in the room. Anticipate this. Family doesn't get special privileges to hurt us, and we don't need more evidence to prove to ourselves how horrid they are to allow ourselves to move on.
It is ok to say "this is rubbish, I am done with this, for now". Perhaps revisit the relationships that you want later, but it should be done when you want and from a position of strength. I know it is hard, separation was hard for me too. My mother told me how terrible I was, but my successes were "ours". It feels very uncomfortable to know it is ok to live your own life, focus on people you like, your work, your hobbies. You have everything you need tucked inside you to move away from the fire and stop getting burned.
There will be time to look backwards later from a safer place to untangle the finer threads, but for now, take the big leaps, detach, plunge into the life that is yours, remind yourself that you left that chaos behind!
When I graduated I moved to a big city and started a new life. That was 29 years ago. I doubt my father ever knew half of my addresses, my mother was interested only if there was something in it for her. I found work that I loved in 2 different fields over the years, developed a wide circle of girlfriends, had roommates, dated a lot, married at 31, had a child at 40. Things are good, and they are better now because I am sober.
Ren, the point is, I disengaged from the toxicity. I moved on. My parents didn't need to give me permission to live my own life. I needed them when I was a child, and it would have been lovely to grow up in a secure home, but that wasn't the hand I was dealt. Because I created my own life I make the choice as to how much or how little they are involved in it.
I know it is difficult to separate, attachment is a big deal in our development. But to keep going back to a well that is dry hurts only you. You know they have let you down, big time. I am by no means dismissing your hurts, they are valid and real. What I am suggesting is that by looking backwards you are depriving yourself of moving forward.
As children of alcoholics we get very good at being vigilant, trying to anticipate how we can mitigate hurts and disappointments. We orbit around the unhealthy one in the family and when we remove that from our lives it is difficult for us to find our bearings.
I am not sure if you have read CoDependent No More, but I would recommend it. I also have learned an enormous amount by reading the Family and Friends forum here, as an ACOA I imagine you would too.
I believe Facebook should be a reflection of our lives, the lives we are out living. I don't think we should place value on ourselves because of it. If it is not adding to your life, amend it or get rid of it.
It is ok to cut the cord and move on. You might feel a bit lost at first without your mother sucking up all the air in the room. Anticipate this. Family doesn't get special privileges to hurt us, and we don't need more evidence to prove to ourselves how horrid they are to allow ourselves to move on.
It is ok to say "this is rubbish, I am done with this, for now". Perhaps revisit the relationships that you want later, but it should be done when you want and from a position of strength. I know it is hard, separation was hard for me too. My mother told me how terrible I was, but my successes were "ours". It feels very uncomfortable to know it is ok to live your own life, focus on people you like, your work, your hobbies. You have everything you need tucked inside you to move away from the fire and stop getting burned.
There will be time to look backwards later from a safer place to untangle the finer threads, but for now, take the big leaps, detach, plunge into the life that is yours, remind yourself that you left that chaos behind!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
re Facebook, one of my nieces uses a false name on facebook and has told her friends not to allow her relatives to know. So far she has to change her fake name twice. But she is vigilant and she is working hard to separate.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Sarajevo
Posts: 76
Parent abandonment
Originally Posted by renegayd
So now the message to cut all contact with my A mother....... again......
(all opinions and views greatly accepted and wanted as I don't want this to blow up in my face, I just want peace and happiness and to be left alone to rule my life how I want to, answering to no one but my own conscience. )
Mother,
I am so happy to hear that you are doing well now and congratulations on the job, I hope this continues and your life is a happy one.
I am sorry but I cannot stay in contact with you here on facebook, I will send you cards now and then to your home address.
Just talking to you in the last couple of days has brought back so many bad memories and sent me off looking (ripping my heart out again) at all the evidence of the disease you have. Alcoholism.
I wish it wasn't true and sometimes I wish I didn't try and get proof for my own sanity. It disgusts me how you treated your only child.
You are in denial so much that I cannot stand to talk or even think about you. I know I cannot change or fix you, I hope you can do this for yourself, in your own time.
I hope you understand that I do love you and wish you all the best but you have hurt me so much and I am not yet ready to forgive and forget.
I am getting help with this but I know it is going to take time. Please be patient. I know I am not the perfect child, but I try my best, and I am nowhere near the worst like you seem to think, or make me feel anyway.
Your views on me are very bad and one day I hope you do get to know the real me, but until then I have got to go and live my own life, not answering to you and dad all the time. It is my life. I am going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, but only I can do it.
I love you so much and wish you all the best for the future, whatever path you may take. I hope it is a happy one for you.
(all opinions and views greatly accepted and wanted as I don't want this to blow up in my face, I just want peace and happiness and to be left alone to rule my life how I want to, answering to no one but my own conscience. )
Mother,
I am so happy to hear that you are doing well now and congratulations on the job, I hope this continues and your life is a happy one.
I am sorry but I cannot stay in contact with you here on facebook, I will send you cards now and then to your home address.
Just talking to you in the last couple of days has brought back so many bad memories and sent me off looking (ripping my heart out again) at all the evidence of the disease you have. Alcoholism.
I wish it wasn't true and sometimes I wish I didn't try and get proof for my own sanity. It disgusts me how you treated your only child.
You are in denial so much that I cannot stand to talk or even think about you. I know I cannot change or fix you, I hope you can do this for yourself, in your own time.
I hope you understand that I do love you and wish you all the best but you have hurt me so much and I am not yet ready to forgive and forget.
I am getting help with this but I know it is going to take time. Please be patient. I know I am not the perfect child, but I try my best, and I am nowhere near the worst like you seem to think, or make me feel anyway.
Your views on me are very bad and one day I hope you do get to know the real me, but until then I have got to go and live my own life, not answering to you and dad all the time. It is my life. I am going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, but only I can do it.
I love you so much and wish you all the best for the future, whatever path you may take. I hope it is a happy one for you.
i beleive you have made an honest consideration. I have actually done that, but face to face, with my father 8 years ago. Relationship has become so bad, that I was keeping my sanity if I wasn't there.
And I kept my word - I did not contact my family for about 8 years. Experts cal this parent abandonment and after this experience I can offer some advice, should you want it, since my case has ended happily well for everyone.
I shal pray for you real quick here if you don't mind : Heavenly Father, God of Israel, may your will be done in this child of yours' life. You have taken his/her pain and you suffered more. Please remember the plea of this heart and make your best will known ASAP.
In Jesus name,
amen
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i want to thank the op for the honesty in the post
i read it and thought of my own kids and there hurt that i and there mum have caused them
i am lucky as i have all my kids back in my life and there mum doesnt as she is still in the drink and hasnt even started yet to think she has or is doing anything wrong
my kids hurt bad watching me and there mum fight daily in drunken sprees or times i was taking them all out only to get down to a pub and not bother taking them
the list of things wrong i have done wrong is long i am so so lucky my kids still love me
after reading your message i want to hug my kids so much
they know i am sorry for it all and they have there faith back in me
i try to get them to even talk to there mum but there angry and hurt and there mum is stubon and its not her fault and the kids should all be around her as she can not see
i have aa to help me, my kids have nothing to help them with there pain even though they have lost a brother recently they still have no help other than me being there but there happy now in as much as daily living goes but once again i thank you for your post for showing me the pain that can be caused to kids
i hope one day things can work out for you and your parents
hugs to you and take care
i read it and thought of my own kids and there hurt that i and there mum have caused them
i am lucky as i have all my kids back in my life and there mum doesnt as she is still in the drink and hasnt even started yet to think she has or is doing anything wrong
my kids hurt bad watching me and there mum fight daily in drunken sprees or times i was taking them all out only to get down to a pub and not bother taking them
the list of things wrong i have done wrong is long i am so so lucky my kids still love me
after reading your message i want to hug my kids so much
they know i am sorry for it all and they have there faith back in me
i try to get them to even talk to there mum but there angry and hurt and there mum is stubon and its not her fault and the kids should all be around her as she can not see
i have aa to help me, my kids have nothing to help them with there pain even though they have lost a brother recently they still have no help other than me being there but there happy now in as much as daily living goes but once again i thank you for your post for showing me the pain that can be caused to kids
i hope one day things can work out for you and your parents
hugs to you and take care
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