dbh

Hugs to you Bill.

I so get what your are talking about. I was the scapegoat in my family and I spent YEARS if not decades trying to figure out how to win my mother's affection.

I'm sort of in a better place now. I'm trying to accept my mother for who she is and we have found a comfortable way to interact with each other. She lives in another state so our "relationship" consists of frequent phone calls.

Years ago, my mother and I went through a difficult period. She accused me of some horrible things. I sort of felt like she was turning all the anger that she still feels towards my dad onto me. Anyway, at that time I decided that there were parts of our relationship that I still valued and I was able to speak up for myself and set some boundaries. So far it's working.

My father passed away two years ago. So there is no hope left there.

I still find myself at times getting incredibly sad because I know that I'm never going to have the parents that I wanted.

Your Recovery Friend,

db

Thumper

Oprah is one of my favorite people. Here is a quote by her.

Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed. - Oprah Winfrey

I'm not thinking about forgiving your parents but about forgiving yourself. The adult you may understand that the way your parents treated you in the past (and today) is about them, not you, but does the little boy of your past know that? Does that little boy feel like he should have/could have done something to change how he was treated? Can you forgive that little boy, help him/you feel the self-forgiveness and acceptance that the past can not be changed. Ever. And it is not your fault. You are completely innocent, and separate from, the misdeeds of your parents.

Sending warm thoughts your way.

Kialua

Thumper I know you are asking Bill, but I hear this so often and it amazes me.

I've never felt anything my parents did to me was my fault. As far back as 2 years old I remember thinking 'these people are crazy and I'm never going to be like them'. I grew up with that being my mantra and never looked back. I don't know why, maybe because I had older siblings being mistreated and they told me. I don't know. I was certainly told by my parents that I was no good constantly but I never believed them, they were crazy in my opinion why would I believe anything they said. All they ever did was lie and mistreat us. Nothing they said was the truth so their evaluation of me was not important to me. I almost felt like if they ever said I was good then I would have to be worried because they were constantly wrong! LOL I felt so superior to them even as a little child.

Am I alone in this thought pattern?

Chris1000101

I don’t think you’re alone but I do feel it has a part with age and sibling order. I was the oldest of two in my biological parent’s first marriage. I thought the chaos was normal. When my bio-dad got remarried, sis and I had to spend time with them; the beatings got worse and the burnings started. At some point I do remember saying I was going to tell the neighbors, they said go ahead they’ll beat you too. That only happened once but I know now, I was on the right track to knowing something wasn’t right.

LuvMySis

I thought the chaos was normal, too, and I didn't realize that chaos was the cause of my feelings until very recently. I am angry at my parents, myself for not realizing it sooner, and the system for not educating us about this as children.

tromboneliness

You can say that again! The whole personal dynamic that Al-Anon teaches -- basically, that you can't control or change people -- seems like such a basic fact of life that you'd think people would have figured it out by now, and it would be taught to kids as part of their basic how-to manual for living. Not so, however -- 95% of people still go through their lives the clueless way I used to, thinking that all would be well if only everyone else would do it my way!

It would be great if "the system" had some way of imparting this wisdom to kids, instead of having them learn it the hard way -- as we did -- or not at all -- as most people do. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening....

T

Kialua

Thanks. While I thought my folks were crazy I never thought once about telling anyone.I too thought it was normal and that no one would care. No matter what a child is taught tho, they rarely tell. I asked my doctor recently if anyone tells them that they are being abused when they ask and she said no. I'm sure someone might but the mindset of the abused doesn't work that way...

SadHeart

I had a father who drank scotch steadily for 20 years, then killed himself driving drunk. He wasn't bellligerent or violent or mean. But he was sullen, grumpy, irritable, and would glare at me.

You see he HAD to get married because he didn't wear a condom and that's what people did back then. He liked my brother though. But he transferred all the anger and disappointment and frustration he had about his life onto me and just didn't like me and made it clear. I knew when I was three he didn't like me. Heck no, he never said he loved me. I don't think he said 5 kind things to me my entire life. He just wanted me to shut up and go away and would just glare. When he died I didn't care, I thought maybe my life would get better without him.

I don't know if my mother was/is codependent, but she absolutely lives in denial and has severe trouble dealing with unpleasant feelings like anger and pain and inconvenient truths like my father was a drunk. When he killed himself in a drunk driving accident she said, "At least it was quick and he was wearing his seatbelt." Huh?

She will hug my kids warmly. But never hugs me. I will hug her but she's awkward. She stiffens, she wants none of my hugs. She's never said she's loved me but recently when I confronted her with my unhappiness with her she said said we have never been as close as she wanted and that I 'was loved'. Huh? I am loved? By whom? God? My kids? I know she meant by her, you can tell by the context (it was in a letter). But she couldn't even bring herself to write it in a letter when she senses I'm about to cut her out of my life (she doesn't want that--but she will NOT deal with the issues, and that's where I'm going).

I've always been the second class citizen in the family, and I don't know why really except I was conceived before they married and forced them to get married. Not that I had any say in it.

But I also wonder why my mother can hug my kids so enthusiastically and be so stiff and cold and awkward with me.

BTW--the reason she CAN hug them is because ***I*** was NOT like her; I raised them with hugs.

Kialua

Good for you SadHeart that you became the parent you wanted and raised your kids with hugs and love. That's all we can do. And it is a lot. Who knows if you will ever repair your situation with your Mom. Has she ever gone to alanon or would she? Welcome.

Willybluedog

So many sad stories,

Kialua I wish I had you good sense, I knew my mom was nuts from early on, but I never thought my dad was crazy because he was the one that everyone came to for advice, to settle family disputes, when my cousins were afraid to talk to their parents they came to my dad, he gave them more time than he ever did me. How could he be crazy if everyone came to him?

I wanted Ward Cleaver as a dad, but he was Ward Cleaver to everyone else and Robert Duval as The Great Santini with me!

I am going to have to mull this over more, thank you all for sharing so much of yourselves with me, it means more than you will ever know.

Bill