Willybluedog

Can the important people in your life tell you that they love you?

My parents cannot tell me they love me, they have not been able to for almost as long as I can remember.

I look them in the eyes and tell them I love them, they look back at me like I have 3 heads.

They can tell my children that they love them, but they cannot say it to me.

My wife says to me, you know they love you, they just cannot say it.

How can your own parents not tell you that they love you?

I have never ever been in trouble with the law, never had a substance abuse problem, I have always had a job, been a responsible person, their only embarassment is that I have had to have therapy.

Why do they deny me this?

Could it be their own shame at the beatings, the verbal abuse, my mothers continued alcoholism, my fathers serial adultery, I just don't know.

I think that of all the things they have done to me this is the ultimate cruelty!

They are 78 and 79, they will not be around forever.

I know I cannot make them say it, and if they don't wat to I don't want them to fake it, I have wonderful people who love me, I am just curious if it is common.

Thanks,

Bill

dollydo

Because they are selfish, self-centered people who may view you as their competition, someone who has accomplished more than they have, someone who has established balance in their life.

They tell your children that they love them because they know that those three little words that they continue to withhold from you, hurt you...it's all about the game and not admitting their failure as parents. It is a sick game that serves no purpose...yet..continues.

I could be way off the mark, however, that is my feeling, being raised as you were...my childhood somewhat mirrors yours...as does my adult relationship with "Mommy Dearest."

The bottom line to me is...that is it is all part of their sick game.

You are loved by your wife and your children...IMHO....that is all you need, that alone should validate you as a special person....and..I agree with them you are indeed special and deserving of love and respect.

Kialua

My opinion is don't waste another minute wanting love from someone that has none. God loves you, your wife loves you and WE love you.

cb12

As much as I want to agree with Kialua, i can't help but think that that's easier said than done. Not hearing "I love you" from either of my parents would be very damaging to me. I think that there is only so much that God, friends and other family members can do to "make up" for this, sometimes, they just can't as much as they may want to.

I don't have any words of ES&H for you, Willybluedog, but you have been in my thoughts today.

Willybluedog

Thank you all, and dolly I think you are probably right.

My wife thinks that they are so damaged that they cannot make it back from the cliff they went over many years ago.

I just don't know, I relish the love that I have from my other family and my friends, I guess more than wanting to hear it, I want to know why they cannot or will not say it.

I really just want them to come out and say "we don't love you" then we could just be done!

Thanks again for the input and support, you all are a huge help to me and your friendship has been more important than you will ever know.

Big hugs,

Bill

Zoenob

Could they be telling you indirectly when they tell your children they love them in front of you? Could that be their way of saying it by showing you they love your children? Just a thought.

Zoenob

Sorry, I didn't answer if it is common. My brother is the same way. We are a typical "waspy" southern family that doesn't show affection. My brother and I love each other but he cannot show me any love or affection. However, as soon as he gets drunk he is a blubbering moron that calls my Mother and I to tell us how much he loves us and how he wants to be there for me and wants to be a great big brother, blah, blah, blah. Of course the next day it's back to acting like a cold wall. My Mother and I never answer the phone if it is my brother calling after 9PM on Friday and Saturday nights because we know he is drunk. The phone will ring and which ever one of us sees the caller ID first always yells and laughs "don't answer the phone is Mark!" I'm actually laughing as I write this because it is funny if you could hear us.

michael2

Hi Bill,
Sorry to hear your frustrations, I have similar parents and I have come to the conclusion that it is difficult to say "I love you" to someone when you do not love your self. Your parents sound to me that they were well into the self abuse and destruction and were trying to keep the lid on ANY feelings at all... I know that does not help you now, but offers some kind of explanation.
Take care, Michael

JustAYak

I don't have any advice but I just want to say, yeah I think it's pretty common. My mom won't say it to me, but I don't talk to her if I can avoid it. My dad died without saying it more than a few times throughout my whole life and even then, I don't think he really meant it... It is very damaging and definitely something I struggle with too.

dollydo

My dad was a cold person, never hugged me, never said "I Love You" he would end his
phone conversations with me... saying "Much Love" whatever that mean't. My mother, no, never, love is a word that is not in her vocabulary....her actions also speak for themselves.

aasharon90

It's hard not to be our own parents. What
we learn as children from our parents is
what we teach our own kids. However, we
have the choice to not repeat the same
bad behaviors our parents had to pass on
to our own little ones. This is where we
learn to break the chain of old behavior.

My mom was cruel to me due to her own
demons with alcohol and prescription meds
and thus made a beautiful elegant woman
into a Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde personality towards
me, one of 4 kids. Just me. WHY?

My dad reassured me that she did love me,
but she had a hell of a way of showing me.

Sickness. Sick. Sick. Blame the disease and
not the person. Sheesh, i got so many mixed
signals as a child, i didnt know what to believe.

As an adult i had 2 beautiful, talented, lovely,
caring, considerate kids that as a mom raised.
I was 30 yrs. old when i entered rehab and my
babies were 6 and 4. So young. However, with
a chance to continue to raise them sober free
till they left home was a gift and blessing.

I needed parents to love me and because I
didnt get what i needed from them, i ventured
outiside my family searching for love in all the
wrong people, places and things.

Im 21 yrs sober and have no contact with
my family because they are not a healthy unit
for me to expose my recovery to. It has taken
me this long of a journey in recovery to get
me where Im happy joyous and free and my
recovery means too much to me to place it
in jeopardy.

My family unit have been placed in my HP's
hands for caring because I cant carry them any
longer. Sad to say. But necessary to a healthy
recovery for me.

I LOVE YOU..!!!!

Thumper

My mother told me she loved me all the time.

I have never heard my dad say "I love you", or the word "love" in any way, to me or anyone else. He doesn't say anything about how he feels one way or another. Not "I'm proud." or "I'm mad." No feeling word has ever passed his lips as far as I know. I've never had or seen a hug from him either. He is an ACOA. So was my mom and she was opposite with us kids so who knows.

I do think my dad loves me he just doesn't say it. I guess I'm not all that upset about it - maybe because there was never abuse and he did his best I guess. I don't even know what that means because he was only home a few times a year and didn't pay all that much attention to us even then. I just always felt like he loved me and that I could count on him. Weird now that I think of it. I took him to my kids' science fair and sent my brother a text laughing about it because I'm sure it is the first school event he's ever been too and he's 79yo. He didn't say one word to my kids about it either. He went because I was willing to take him and he's in a nursing home now so any reason to get out and about it is a good one I think my brother has a different perception.

I have no idea what my brother says to his kids/family but him and I do not hug or say "I love you." or anything like that to each other. Now that I think about it I tell my kids I love them all the time and hardly ever say it to anyone else and when I do I feel weird and say it only because it is the right thing to do - ugh.

ETA: I don't post much in this forum. Mostly I lurk. My dad, I think, drank abusively when he was younger but he is not an alcoholic. My mom drank every day but she died of other things (cancer) before it progressed to a terrible stage but I do think she was an alcoholic Many many years before I would consider that (not until I was admitting my xah's alcohlism). She was not abusive to use kids though, she loved us very much and did the best she could. She had so much sadness and tragedy and lots of ACOA stuff.

jolinda

My mom raised 4 kids by her self, my father had someone else pregant the same time my mom was pregent with me.They got divorced, didnt see him again until i was 21,Havent seen him since, just found out he died, left all his money to the other child. Nothing to my brother or myself, never payed child support, never a birthday car, nothing. im getting off track, sorry. my mother is 84 years old, and i do just about everything for her. She was even living with my family until my husband started using meth. SHE NEVER SAYS SHE LOVES ME, never gives hugs back. it has aways bothered me. I really need this, i know how you feel .Well just give your kids a hug, and thank god you have them. Tell them all the time you love them, and give them hugs all the time and you can change this habit. SORRY for venting

Willybluedog

Jolinda,

I am glad you are venting, it's good for all of us to get that stuff out, and thank you so much for sharing.

I tell my kids I love them all the time, and I am always hugging on them, kissing them on the top of the head, they think that I am goofy and squirm out when they can.

I don't ever want my kids to wonder whether I love them or not, I want them to know that showing affection is normal, that it is ok for a dad and son to hug (and heaven forbid even in public).

Thank again,

Bill

Willybluedog

Thumper,

Thanks for sharing.

I am glad you are here, I wish you would post more, you are always full of common sense and good advice.

I guess some men just never show any emotion (except anger), my dad has gotten better as he has gotten older, he will give me a big hug, but the I love you thing is just to much for him.

Thanks again,


Bill

frances2011

Touching thread on an important experience (or non-experience) for us ACOAs.

Williebluedog, I am so glad you are here and thank you for your shares.

I grew up without hugs or I Love Yous. I love them today and give as many as I can. I hugged my niece yesterday and told her I love her, she is wonderful, I am so proud of her, and she is a great kid.

Willybluedog

Sharon,

Thanks so much for sharing your story, mine was much like yours, my father beat and kicked me on a regular basis, then would ground my sister for something much worse than whatever I did.

21 years so that is so amazing

Thank you for the love, I love you to!

Willybluedog

Zoe,

Thank you, I had not thought of it that way, maybe because my kids are you my parents are more comfortable saying I love you to them.

What is strange though is that their actions don't really follow their words. My parents only have 3 grandchildren, my Niece is 19 and busy with college, even though my parents were there for every milestone, every soccer game, school event etc. she treats them with indifference.

My kids 11 & 13, get virtually no attention from my parents, I have to make an appointment to take the kids to see them, oh they fawn on them for a few minutes and tell them they love them but actions matching words, no so much.

I wish my parents would be better to them, while they are still young because before long they are going to be busy with other things and won't have time for grandparents.


As for drunk dialing, one of my uncles is that way with my dad, we used to laugh about it to.

Thanks for sharing!

Willybluedog

Michael,

I think you may have it right, both my wife and my therapist have come to that same conclusion.

There are rumors of child abuse and incest in our family (by grandfathers and much older brothers) I believe there is a tremendous amount fo denial mixed with the alcoholism.


Thank you for sharing.

Willybluedog

Dolly I am so sorry, that must have been terribly hard, please know that you always have a hug waiting from me!

Thank you for sharing.

Bill