Feelings Check In
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Feeling low today... tired and just down. I am thinking too far ahead and thinking about life in general which never does me any favors. I haven't been able to sleep very well lately so I'm sure that's got something to do with it. The crappy weather outside is not helping either!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
Feeling stressed and anxious, and maybe a little...excited?
I have a lot going on in my head right now, and a lot of stress.
Part of the stress and anxiety has to do with the difficulties I'm encountering in trying to renew my prescription for anxiety medication with the primary care providers I've been encountering.
As a former addict, I have had to explore a lot of different medications that aren't benzodiazapines, and I am often subjected to scrutiny when asking for the medication that works for me, which is Klonopin.
It's been a while since I've had to deal with this sort of suspicion from doctors (I don't abuse the medication, and I've been on it for quite a few years, so it really feels like a slap in the face when I'm met with such intense scrutiny, as though I'm taking the medication for anything other than anxiety).
It's not a choice for me to take this medication, it's something that I absolutely have to have in order to live a reasonably functional life at this time.
So yeah...stress, anxiety, fearfulness, and a little bit of defensiveness and anger with all of that.
Also, a lot of anxiety and stress because our living situation is getting tighter and tighter as my son grows, is starting to take his first steps; we are constantly having to rearrange our living room so that he can't access things and places that aren't safe for him, as he is figuring out how to climb over barricades that we've set up, like ottomans, etc., and his reach is getting longer.
We've been waiting to hear back about a home that we put an offer down on, and I'm feeling a bit stressed because if this offer doesn't go through and the bank wants to counter offer with something absurd, we have to start looking all over again. I have faith that we will find the right place, but it's getting pretty stressful in our home. My son needs more space to crawl, climb, and explore his environment safely.
A little excited though, as I am finally thinking about finding a primary care doctor who won't harass me about my prescription, but will help me to find a healthier lifestyle and eating habits that could possibly help with my anxiety, and combine that with my psychotherapy...and maybe eventually get to the point where I don't need the medication anymore.
I'm scared by these prospects as well. I want to have another child, and get treatment for my Hepatitis C, and both of those things will require getting off the anxiety medication.
I'm ready to start taking good care of myself physically, but I'm scared.
So, that's where I'm at today.
I have a lot going on in my head right now, and a lot of stress.
Part of the stress and anxiety has to do with the difficulties I'm encountering in trying to renew my prescription for anxiety medication with the primary care providers I've been encountering.
As a former addict, I have had to explore a lot of different medications that aren't benzodiazapines, and I am often subjected to scrutiny when asking for the medication that works for me, which is Klonopin.
It's been a while since I've had to deal with this sort of suspicion from doctors (I don't abuse the medication, and I've been on it for quite a few years, so it really feels like a slap in the face when I'm met with such intense scrutiny, as though I'm taking the medication for anything other than anxiety).
It's not a choice for me to take this medication, it's something that I absolutely have to have in order to live a reasonably functional life at this time.
So yeah...stress, anxiety, fearfulness, and a little bit of defensiveness and anger with all of that.
Also, a lot of anxiety and stress because our living situation is getting tighter and tighter as my son grows, is starting to take his first steps; we are constantly having to rearrange our living room so that he can't access things and places that aren't safe for him, as he is figuring out how to climb over barricades that we've set up, like ottomans, etc., and his reach is getting longer.
We've been waiting to hear back about a home that we put an offer down on, and I'm feeling a bit stressed because if this offer doesn't go through and the bank wants to counter offer with something absurd, we have to start looking all over again. I have faith that we will find the right place, but it's getting pretty stressful in our home. My son needs more space to crawl, climb, and explore his environment safely.
A little excited though, as I am finally thinking about finding a primary care doctor who won't harass me about my prescription, but will help me to find a healthier lifestyle and eating habits that could possibly help with my anxiety, and combine that with my psychotherapy...and maybe eventually get to the point where I don't need the medication anymore.
I'm scared by these prospects as well. I want to have another child, and get treatment for my Hepatitis C, and both of those things will require getting off the anxiety medication.
I'm ready to start taking good care of myself physically, but I'm scared.
So, that's where I'm at today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
Still feeling anxious, nervous.
I am taking my son to yet another new pediatrician this morning. We are having a really hard time finding primary care doctors for both my son and I after moving back to the city, and it's stressing me out.
I'm at a point in my life where I am unwilling to accept being treated by a doctor who is anything less than a really good fit for me, as I have a multitude of issues that I want to preemptively address.
I say the same for my son. He may not have any noticeable health issues, but I want, need, and expect a pediatrician who will take the time to get to know our family, our parenting skills, and him as an individual.
So...here I am, doing something that stresses me out tremendously. Going to a lot of doctor appointments, trying to find a PCP for myself and my son, trying to find a way to get off the anxiety medication I've been taking, and simultaneously terrified to do so.
And the apartment. There's always that. It's starting to feel like that part in Alice In Wonderland--when she takes a bite of the mushroom while inside the White Rabbit's house, and grows so much that her arms and legs are sticking out of the windows...
I am taking my son to yet another new pediatrician this morning. We are having a really hard time finding primary care doctors for both my son and I after moving back to the city, and it's stressing me out.
I'm at a point in my life where I am unwilling to accept being treated by a doctor who is anything less than a really good fit for me, as I have a multitude of issues that I want to preemptively address.
I say the same for my son. He may not have any noticeable health issues, but I want, need, and expect a pediatrician who will take the time to get to know our family, our parenting skills, and him as an individual.
So...here I am, doing something that stresses me out tremendously. Going to a lot of doctor appointments, trying to find a PCP for myself and my son, trying to find a way to get off the anxiety medication I've been taking, and simultaneously terrified to do so.
And the apartment. There's always that. It's starting to feel like that part in Alice In Wonderland--when she takes a bite of the mushroom while inside the White Rabbit's house, and grows so much that her arms and legs are sticking out of the windows...
In my Own Little World
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Champaign, IL
Posts: 368
I got away from you all and I apologize about that. I had a lot of stuff going on irl and I just couldn't find the time. I was pulled in too many directions.
Then came a very severe blow at the end of February that my friend, mentor, sponsor, grand father like figure passed away on me.
Today I am feeling a little less lost without him and surer in my footsteps, finally. But I am still grieving his death, today. I look back through his words and advice sparingly at the moment because it triggers immense sadness in me and hurt. I cannot do this yet.
I am trying to take an active part in alcoholism boards like he wanted me to as I took a hiatus when he passed away to deal with my grief. He had such a presence on them and even going to them and looking on them, I feel him everywhere (isn't that weird being that it's a virtual board?).
I am also optimistic today about my job search that he was pushing me towards. I am gaining confidence in myself and my abilities and want to better my life as he wanted also. I now know that I can have the attitude going into jobs of "What will you do for me to get me to work for you?" instead of "I need a job, I'll take anything you throw at me, even table scraps."
I am confident that change in attitude will come across positively in an interview so long as it doesn't come across as cocky.
I am sorry I strayed from you all. =(. I hope everyone is doing well.
Then came a very severe blow at the end of February that my friend, mentor, sponsor, grand father like figure passed away on me.
Today I am feeling a little less lost without him and surer in my footsteps, finally. But I am still grieving his death, today. I look back through his words and advice sparingly at the moment because it triggers immense sadness in me and hurt. I cannot do this yet.
I am trying to take an active part in alcoholism boards like he wanted me to as I took a hiatus when he passed away to deal with my grief. He had such a presence on them and even going to them and looking on them, I feel him everywhere (isn't that weird being that it's a virtual board?).
I am also optimistic today about my job search that he was pushing me towards. I am gaining confidence in myself and my abilities and want to better my life as he wanted also. I now know that I can have the attitude going into jobs of "What will you do for me to get me to work for you?" instead of "I need a job, I'll take anything you throw at me, even table scraps."
I am confident that change in attitude will come across positively in an interview so long as it doesn't come across as cocky.
I am sorry I strayed from you all. =(. I hope everyone is doing well.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Jay, fear, shame and being scared are your emotional enemies, be proud, you have accomplished so much. Life is like a maze, we are all trying to find our way out of it...when we do...it's over...strange huh?
Me today. mellow, at peace (for the moment). Heading to the gym,attempting to keep all my fat firm...
Me today. mellow, at peace (for the moment). Heading to the gym,attempting to keep all my fat firm...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
ugh dentist today. Not my favorite experience. I finally figured out why. I tense up and make the "white noise" in my head like I did when my Dad beat me daily. Something I have to suffer through. It has helped after I told my dentist that. He is actually a really nice guy who went to school with my best friends brother.
Had a great day yesterday for dh bd with dd and inlaws.
Had a great day yesterday for dh bd with dd and inlaws.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
Feeling much more rested and relaxed today.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and we worked on some of the abandonment issues memories, which is a core part of my anxiety and panic attacks.
I've also stopped drinking coffee and cut out sugar completely from my diet, except for yogurt or trailmix, etc. Going on the second day of just black or green tea and no sugar, and I already feel better.
Also, trying to go with nicotine lozenges or e-cigarette instead of smoking, which is how I stopped smoking last time.
Hoping the no coffee, no sugar thing will last, and that I will continue to cut back on the smoking so that I can quit.
I've also been making sure that I eat throughout the day, so I'm also feeling better because I'm actually eating, instead of just smoking and drinking coffee.
Strangely, I feel like I have more energy without the coffee. Slight headache yesterday, but the tea has made the withdrawals easier.
A little angry with my husband, as there is a lot of tension between us lately. His job takes everything out of him, and although I should feel sympathetic, I feel resentful.
But otherwise, feeling much better today.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and we worked on some of the abandonment issues memories, which is a core part of my anxiety and panic attacks.
I've also stopped drinking coffee and cut out sugar completely from my diet, except for yogurt or trailmix, etc. Going on the second day of just black or green tea and no sugar, and I already feel better.
Also, trying to go with nicotine lozenges or e-cigarette instead of smoking, which is how I stopped smoking last time.
Hoping the no coffee, no sugar thing will last, and that I will continue to cut back on the smoking so that I can quit.
I've also been making sure that I eat throughout the day, so I'm also feeling better because I'm actually eating, instead of just smoking and drinking coffee.
Strangely, I feel like I have more energy without the coffee. Slight headache yesterday, but the tea has made the withdrawals easier.
A little angry with my husband, as there is a lot of tension between us lately. His job takes everything out of him, and although I should feel sympathetic, I feel resentful.
But otherwise, feeling much better today.
In my Own Little World
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Champaign, IL
Posts: 368
Feeling a little self sabotaging today. Tried to go to a new AA meeting and picked a meeting that was on Thursday instead of today. My phone sucks so I couldn't find another and I'm not about to call information and get the hotline number for AA.
So tonight was a bust. Feeling downtrodding as a result.
Tomorrow will be a better day: that makes me a bit hopeful.
So tonight was a bust. Feeling downtrodding as a result.
Tomorrow will be a better day: that makes me a bit hopeful.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Kinda down, had to take my old dog to ER, came out of the shower and he was bleeding profusely from the mouth. I think it's a fang, he is almost 18 and his teeth, all 8 that remain, are in bad shape. Kept him, running tests to see if he can withstand going under.
Gave me a bill for $600 and sent me home.
Gave me a bill for $600 and sent me home.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 80
Stressed- I need to finish an enormous portfolio = to begin my student teaching = to finish my BA. Got a little bit done today, but still can't fathom how I will have time for this with my 7 month-old and 18 month-old sons.
Grateful- I have two wonderful babies who both nap at the same time.
Guilty- I need to find more fun things to do with my 18 month-old.
Bored/Lonely- My husband is working very long hours for his annual plant shutdown and I'm not sure when the kids or I will see him again. I wish I knew more people where we live.
Grateful again- Because he is out of the military, has an awesome job in this chilly New England state, and will never go to Afghanistan again and miss pregnancies and births.
Thanks for this thread! I enjoy the insight and perspective I get from others.
Grateful- I have two wonderful babies who both nap at the same time.
Guilty- I need to find more fun things to do with my 18 month-old.
Bored/Lonely- My husband is working very long hours for his annual plant shutdown and I'm not sure when the kids or I will see him again. I wish I knew more people where we live.
Grateful again- Because he is out of the military, has an awesome job in this chilly New England state, and will never go to Afghanistan again and miss pregnancies and births.
Thanks for this thread! I enjoy the insight and perspective I get from others.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hi all, I have been staying away except for very few posts and some PM's.
I cannot get past issues I had with mods about the way I write on here, the ass chewing I received was a huge trigger for me and I went into a tailspin.
I am struggling with the issue of self-censorship, my therapist tells me just to be me and if I get banned then so be it.
She says better to get banned for being yourself than to stay on and play "pretend" and kiss peoples ass in a PC environment.
So I am still working through this, every time I sit down to type now I freeze up, I read and re-read my posts, the joy I once had in coming here is pretty much gone.
There are so many people here who I care about, who I consider friends, I want so much to be here for all of you and to share my thoughts, but when I start to write my brain whirls like an engine stuck in neutral with the gas pedal pushed to the floor, lots of noise and smoke , but no forward motion.
Anyway, just know that I don't want to be "away", I just don't know how to be "here" anymore.
Please know that you all can private message me anytime, or you can share thoughts on my blog (but of course that is being monitored now also) so maybe PM is best.
Thanks for reading,
Bill
I cannot get past issues I had with mods about the way I write on here, the ass chewing I received was a huge trigger for me and I went into a tailspin.
I am struggling with the issue of self-censorship, my therapist tells me just to be me and if I get banned then so be it.
She says better to get banned for being yourself than to stay on and play "pretend" and kiss peoples ass in a PC environment.
So I am still working through this, every time I sit down to type now I freeze up, I read and re-read my posts, the joy I once had in coming here is pretty much gone.
There are so many people here who I care about, who I consider friends, I want so much to be here for all of you and to share my thoughts, but when I start to write my brain whirls like an engine stuck in neutral with the gas pedal pushed to the floor, lots of noise and smoke , but no forward motion.
Anyway, just know that I don't want to be "away", I just don't know how to be "here" anymore.
Please know that you all can private message me anytime, or you can share thoughts on my blog (but of course that is being monitored now also) so maybe PM is best.
Thanks for reading,
Bill
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