DesertEyes

Wonderful thread !!! thanx everybody.

I could write pages about what my holidays were like as a child, but I would just be repeating what everybody else already said. When I first got into recovery I hated the holidays, for all the reasons mentioned in this thread. Then I learned that what I was hating was _other_ people's holidays, that in recovery I can choose what I want to do with _my_ holidays.

For some years I went the humbug route, and it helped me feel better. Then I started making my own version of the holidays.

The last few years I have had a small dinner. No gifts, no music, just food and conversation. I invite all the people I know who have no family to share the holidays with. Not this year, I've been too sick, but maybe I'll do it again next year.

I put up a very small tree, with just a few decorations. I made the start at the top myself, out of aluminum foil. Every year I buy a butterfly ornament, because it is the symbol of growth in recovery. The act of changing from a caterpillar into a butterfly is much like what I went thru from the insanity of my childhood into the freedom of recovery.

What I was planning to do was buy a different butterfly every year. What actually happened is that newbies would come to visit, and they were in so much pain that I just give them the butterflies as something to help them start their own "new" life. So I am always running out of butterflies and never did get to make the collection I had planned. I think it has worked out better this way.

Mike

chicory

(((Mike))) Love the tree!
i watched a butterfly program on nova- it made me cry. I know why they compare recovery to the life of a catapillar/butterfly. it was beautiful. moving to see that the monarch catipiller changes 4 times before it comes out as a butterfly. when it popped out, with antenna, and wings, it just was amazing, and it could FLY!
hope that you are feeling better, and surviving the cold. Christmas is good to me, for being able to see some who are not always around. to bake my favorite cookies, and enjoy snow. i love christmas trees, and have a live one. nature is comforting to me.

people have needs year round, and i donate to the food bank regularly. guess i just like to see kids get some toys /gifts at the time when so many others around them are. to me it isnt about gifts anyway. but little kids dont understand that.

good thread- may we all survive the holidays, in whatever way we wish to.

i missed the eclipse of the moon this morning-argh

Hopeworks

I had blocked that out of my own memories... when I read that in your post I saw my own dad's "happy evil glint in his eyes and crooked grin" as he tortured us kids with his verbal and occasional off the wall bizarre physical abuse.

Thanks for sharing ... there is something healing when we know others understand because we also experienced it.

Willybluedog

Mike, I love your little tree.

I am amazed by your capacity to give and help others in the midst of your own health issues, you are an inspiration to me!

I was out somehwere the other day, I believe it was one of the big home stores (lowes, Home depot, Menards) and they had the Charlie Brown X-mas tree, I got misty looking at it, those shows were the bright spots of my holidays, I always used to say it was not christmas until I saw Santa riding the Norelco razor (Burl Ives voice).

Thanks,

Bill

dbh

Mike, I too love your Christmas tree. Thank you for sharing that picture.

There was one Christmas I spent alone (prior to husband and children) where I decorated my tiny apartment with lights and huge a small wreath on the door.

The lights made the apartment look so festive and cozy. It also made me happy that I hung them just for me.

I think I spent Christmas day watching movies from morning until night.

Sometimes I can't wait until December 26th and for my part of the world to return to normal again. All these holidays that are traditionally spent with family. It's so hard to blend into the background on these days. I would often feel like I stood out simply because I wasn't celebrating with my family.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

micealc

I was ment to work on Christmas day......But TG I had some holidays left....So im off Fri,Sat,Sun,Mon,and Tues..........Yaeeeeeeee

This ..............Waiting for something to destroy my Joy,Happiness,Peace,is always with me.I often wonder do I bring it on myself..Encourage it.If I am always waiting for something to Happen It is bound to Happen......Logic.
How do I break this habit..........I have tried.......and it works sometimes.I try to hand my Fears over to a Power Greater than myself.....goes sometimes,but creaps back.
I try to make little of the things I fear.....Sometimes it works other times it Does not.Im travelling in the Mourning......The weather is not Great,Frosty Roads.......What the Heck,Ive Driven on Icy roads before.....Im a Careful Driver.
Ive kindy got over my Fear of heights,Authority Figures,Bullies.
The most thing I fear are other Peoples Moods.......Im practicing Humour,if I can Think of it,no matter how I feel.
Mike get well soon......Thank God Im not they only AC in the world.
Merry Christmas Guys

Merry to me now means ,Joy,Happiness,Peace.
One time in another Alcoholic life it ment.....DRINK

bluebelle

I completely understand. My worst memories are from Christmas Eve and Day. My mom has mental illness and drug addiction. The holidays are a time when she goes competely nuts. Everything is about her. She hates to see the family having fun, and has to destroy it. One Christmas, I blockaded myself in the bedroom. Another one, we called the cops and had her removed. My dad is an alcoholic and also mentally ill. My last encounter with him he certainly had that evil glint in his eye. So, I know what you mean.

I have a hard time at Christmas. All the decorations, etc., remind me of bad feelings. I don't decorate at all. My mom attacked my grandmother a few years ago in an issue over decorating the Christmas tree. I won't see my mom or dad in person at all--including Christmas.

I am starting to enjoy the holidays a little more over the past couple of years. I go hang out with friends. We are establishing our own new Christmas traditions. We are a mixed group of people--singles, couples, kids, adults--but, they are like family to me (in a good way). I have started sending out Christmas cards. I even mail a Christmas package to my mom (something I didn't do for several years).

I enjoy doing Christmas things for the troubled kids that I work for. I avoid the holiday shopping places. I do very little of watching of Christmas movies or listening to music. I just do things my own way. I think it is good to start your own traditions, and do what is best for you. You don't have to participate. You could even go away for the holidays--like camping or something. Or, volunteer at one of the Christmas meals for the homeless. You can spend the day taking a long walk (I like that, too.) Whatever you need for you is great!!

GingerM

On one hand, the fact that there are so many people in need of butterflies is disheartening. On the other hand, what a beautiful idea. People like you, Mike, remind me that the world isn't as horrid as it often seems. Speaking as someone who has received metaphorical butterflies from you, I can tell you that they're quite appreciated.

Willybluedog

Years ago my father in law ran a Christmas tree lot for a local Catholic church, they shut down the lot two days before Christmas and send the remaining trees to a landfill.

I got the idea that we could donate these trees, we found a community center in the worst part of St. Louis and called them up, asked them if they had people who would like to have a tree for Christmas, "they said bring all you have, we will start making phone calls".

I rounded up a couple of buddies and we managed to get 57 trees on my old pickup truck (picture Sanford and Son), we took them downtown and unloaded them into the dining area, when they opened those doors people came pouring in, this was going to be the first Christmas tree many of these people ever had.

The tears, laughing, hugs, and handshakes I received that day were one of the best presents I have ever received, I really knew what it was to be Santa Claus that day.

DesertEyes

ooooh Willy I _love_ that. What a perfect way to make your _own_ holiday. Thanx for sharing that.

Mike

Kialua

Well we undertook a remodeling job that started before Thanksgiving and is extending to Christmas. Not a good idea under the best of circumstances and even worse at this time of year. I haven't decorated or sent out cards it's kind of hard to do those holiday things when the house is torn apart. I think this year will be a pass for me. It feels very strange, the first year since my Mom died last year on Christmas day. I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope.

Maybe we will get the remodel done in a few days. I hope so.

I had an unexpected emotional upheaval the other day. I was teaching my grands a hymn song. They found my Mom's hymnal and wanted to learn one. So fine, they learned it and I was humming on my way home that night when I was overcome with sobbing. All my childhood I was in church choir, had a great voice, loved singing and dutifully sung at all the holiday services. All the proud parents would sit in the congregation to wave and blow kisses to their kids. Of course my alcoholic father would always promise to be there, but when I would look for him there would sit my Mom all alone. Then I would see all the other Dads waving and blowing kisses and the kids just beaming proudly. That would make me choke up and stifle back my tears and lip sync the words. Every year.

I always think I am over it and sing along with the choirs but when they do a song I did it just hits. I always end up lip syncing again. If anyone sees me they think oh how nice she is overcome with the emotions of the song. Not.

So maddening. I want to just get over it. I never cared if he loved me and didn't want him to. I guess I wanted a real Dad someone that wasn't him. What I didn't have. Now I'm dreading to even go to church on Christmas eve but all the while I really want and need to go. Ugh.

Sorry this thread took such an upbeat turn and I'm bringing it down again. I will get over it, it really is a seasonal disorder. Maybe I should use the earplugs that they hand out for the old people that don't like the loud band that plays at church. Then I won't hear the song, ha ha.

Willybluedog

Kialua, so sorry about that, and so sorry someone else in your life did not step up. I always try to be there for my duaghters and sons friends, especially the ones who have lost a parent, have a parent in prison, or dad is just gone. I always make sure to cheer for them when they are up to bat or make a basket, and that they know they can come to our home anytime if they need support.

Hope everything works out, and please, keep singing!

Bill

Willybluedog

Something funny today in the Riverfront Times, the St. Louis alternative newspaper.

They are have a flesh-tivus party, thats right festivus, only clothing optional!

Check out the article just google Riverfront Times.

Happy Festivus,

Bill

Kialua

Ugh, well I've been officially told by my in laws that I am not invited to the ladies get together with out of town visiting relatives because they will be "drinking and all that, and you wouldn't like it." Nice to decide for me what I can or cannot handle. Thanks. I am very well capable of joining in festivities and not annoying anyone. For pete's sake I have been doing that for decades. Sometimes I don't go, sometimes I go and leave early, sometimes I go and stay all night. But I'm always polite and happy to be there. I guess my non-drinking being just bothers them. I always sensed this from them but now I have been actually told. Just another fall out from my families alcoholic legacy. I can't drink and it bothers people. Odd. These people aren't even alcoholics but there's no accounting for manners with some people.

Willybluedog

Kialua, I went through the same thing in college, I had been binge drinking on weekends and I just needed to know that I could stop, I did not ask anyone else to stop or cut back, people were just really uncomfortable with me around, I never got a straight answer from anyone why they were uncomfortable, they just were.

I quit again later after my wife and I just made to much of a habit out of blowing a hundred dollar bill every Friday night when we were out with friends, everybody just hated it, why'd you quit, are you an alcoholic, I would say no, I just want to give it a rest, people just started distancing themselves, I am sure it was part of the reason my wife started cheating, she wanted to be out with the "fun crowd".

Hope you go out and do something fun for yourself while the party is going on, I don't think you will be missing much.

Bill

Kialua

Thanks. I drank so much as a teen that I had blackouts and alcohol poisening. My husband, then boyfriend , made me stop drinking. I did and I never dared try again. He didn't like drinking and never drank again either. I'm not fragile about it but others get annoyed like you said bill. I even had my pastors wife switch drinks with me once to prove that I could drink. Thanks a lot right. Well it helped so much to share here. I appreciate it. We stayed in tonight and rented a movie while they partied on.

tromboneliness

How did he do it, if you don't mind my asking?

T

Kialua

Oh he had been asking for a long time. The last time I drank I downed a fifth of vodka in three large drinks. Got so sick I was in bed for 3 days. I was 18 and its 21 to drink here. He told me no more and we quit the friends and parties. Had no connections and I saw that I was ending up just like my dad and didn't want that. So I made the choice to stop.
I think its so important as an aca to be aware now and not give it a try. I might be hyper vigalent but I feel I have no choice. I know what awaits for me.

GingerM

I've had this repeatedly with both relatives and "friends". I honestly think that my not drinking in front of them makes them uncomfortable because somewhere is a voice in their heads telling them that their drinking is Not Good; having someone "throwing it in their face" as it were by not drinking in front of them makes that voice a little louder in their heads.

I'm gladdened to hear that you understand the problem lies with them and not you. If they can't handle their own conscience - well, it's gonna be an uncomfortable life for them. Meanwhile, you go on leading your life in a manner that is as healthy as you can. You'll be the happier person for it.

tromboneliness

Ah, okay -- that's what I meant. My qualifier was an old hand at that fifth-of-vodka routine, but although I got an intervention together (with the help of an intervention counselor who was worth every penny of the several thou we paid him), it was her decision to get sober and healthy! Good work.

T