Willybluedog

Kialua, you know these threads take off on tangents all the time, I think this is an important topic, maybe we should start a thread on child abuse and neglect.

Take care,

Bill

dollydo

I do understand although I try and tell myself that the Holidays are what I choose them to be.

My mother the Guiness Book of World Record Holder Alcoholic....heading into her 66 year of
tossing them down, is here yet again in Florida for the winter...Whoopee!

So, since she is 86 and hammered anytime after noon, I drive her around...while I am driving her to the food store I share that I have decorated my yard in snowmen this year.
She replies in her condensending nasty way...Why, you have no children at home and have
no one coming to visit you over the holidays...why bother...you are just wasting your time.

Ok, no children... friends and "Other" family who are coming to my home over the Holiday Season, yes.

She is a royal PIA, even if I was just decorating for me, why do I have to listen to her cr@p all my life....answer...because I can't choose family, I am stuck with her.

I wish I had a magic to erase all your bad memories of the holiday season, yet I do not. All I can suggest is that you move forward and make each day a special one for you, my holiday is what I make of it, and I will continue to make it special for me and those I want to share the holiday with.

chicory

DollyDo,
Perhaps for christmas give your mom a gift card for taxi service. I surely hate to see you hurt by her thoughtless words.
How neat that you decorated with snowmen. I am not so good at decorating. I bet there are lots of children excited with your display!
I hope you can shake it off, her negativity, and give the good you have to share to those who need and will appreciate it.
I like your snowmen- you must have been collecting them for a long time! Dont let your mom ruin the fun your little child inside is having. maybe pretend she speaks a language you don't know!
hugs

Willybluedog

dollydo, that's the way my mom is, she is bad enough sober, but after about 2 pm she will attack any statement someone makes just to start an argument, she likes running things and people down, I guess it makes her feel better.

I love driving around and seeing peoples decorations, that is a really big deal for our children, we live out in the country, so we make a 90 minute trip into St. Louis to see the lights on the houses and businesses.

Please don't let the ashes in her mouth dissuade you from doing something you love, especially when it brings joy to others.

Bill

dollydo

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it.

I live in a great neighborhood and have a nice little front yard. The kids in the neighborhood
all come by to see what I am up to for the holiday season. Last year it was penquins and
snowflakes, I hung hundreds of snowflakes in the trees, the kids had a ball running through the snowflakes, as many were as low as 6" from the ground, they were hung with
fishing line so they seemed to float thru the air.

No, she will not ruin my Holiday Spirit, this Sunday I am having my Holiday open house for my friends and neighbors...she is not invited, there is no way that she will be allowed to ruin my fun!

Taxi Service....love that idea!

chicory

Dollydo,
that is really sweet, to hang snowflakes. took me a few minutes to remember that you probably dont get snow in normal circumstances! that must have taken forever to hang so many snowflakes!

dbh

Yesterday I was reading a yoga magazine and they had an article about how to make the holiday season special.

They said to think about what brings joy to your life. What brings joy to my life, hmmmm?

I too have bad memories of past holidays. I've also spent many holidays trying to do what I though I should be doing. As an ACA I'm always trying to figure out what "normal" families do.

I love the thought of doing things that bring ME joy. Although, it's not always such an easy task. I personally have spent most of my life trying to mimic what I thought others wanted me to do.

Slowly, I am creating my own traditions and happy memories.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

Kialua

"What brings joy." That's a big statement. I never thought about what brings me joy. I just do do do for others all the time. Maybe doing for others brings me joy. But I need to find out what brings me joy. I think I have lived too long just repeating my survival tactics. But I don't need them anymore, I haven't needed them for a long time. I need to branch out to find my joy. I have no idea what it could be. I'm afraid to find my own joy and feel lost even thinking about it. I've been an extension for others' joy for so long.

This is a real growth statement. Thank you.

Willybluedog

dbh, what a great idea, I to have never really thought about what brings me joy, thanks so much for sharing that with us. Kialua, I hope you can take that leap, you deserve to be happy, we all do, no matter what the negative person(s) tell us.

We all deserve to be happy!

micealc

Thanks dbh for the Birthday Wishes7..........I too agree I dont allow myself to Feel Joy,because it has been Hidden Away for years.I need to call on it to Come out and Show me its Face.....I believe it to be a good Feeling,but I have not felt it for Ages.I dont look Forward to anything in the Celebration line,Dinner out,Fun things,It will all come to a sorry end if I allow Myself to Feel Happy or Joyful............Christmas is Coming..........Short on Money for Presents,I keep spoiling Moments With Worrying Thoughts.Today Was my Birthday,I love my Family for the way they Care and Im sure love me......But sadly they are only Words.............My feelings are so Wound up inside me Still.Thats It.........HP help me to Thaw out my Feelings.Thanks All For Reading.

Kialua

7 Happy BD micealc

JessSid

This has been a great thread! I am thankful to all of you for sharing your feelings with me! I saw many great ideas!

PurpleWilder

My mom's birthday is Christmas, and being the drama queen and continually self-absorbed after my sister and I were a certain age she made sure we never really enjoyed another holiday.

I am still sorting out what I want to say here but I do hope this thread keeps developing. I pretty sure I need it.

Festivus is looking better and better all the time, except for the wrestling part.....

GingerM

That's what solstice is for - celebrate the return of longer hours of daylight and leave the rest out. My family can't understand and don't want any part of it, making it that much easier.

chicory

You know, this thread is bringing out all sorts of things for me.
About lost joy-I have a hard time feeling joy. I wonder if it is because I don't trust it? As a kid, the other shoe dropped everytime. so, i may feel deep down that joy does not last, or that somehow it is unlucky. and i guess even in normal lives, joy isnt constant, but maybe normal people can feel it without that deep anxiety that underlines everything for me. anxiety and joy-maybe anxiety leaves no room for joy.

as for solstice- I personally find more joy in nature than anything, for you can pretty much know that nature is true, not that it is always kind to us.
I feel such happiness when the days begin to get longer! I wait for it, telling others when it begins. maybe i should be celebrating the solstice?

i love giving to my grandkids, and little token gifts to my grown children, but there is always that sadness behind that I can't quite jump over. it has become so commercial.
i like giving to Shared Harvest. they provide food. also donating gifts for kids. even small things are special to children who dont have much. could make their day.

I am a Christian, but I feel like the holiday is so polluted by society. it could be so much more enjoyable if it were much more simple-no pressures, and less anxiety. how can it be good when some charge gifts and spend the next year struggling to pay that off? i am working on not doing that this year!

yep, not long till the days begin to lengthen- i need some sun!

Kialua

Yes, "waiting for the other shoe to drop", that is one of my survival tactics. Be on it, don't be surprised, but that does rob joy doesn't it. Reminds me of a friend's friend that remarried after a bad marriage. The new husband was a gem and loved her kids but they said to her one day, "when does his real voice out?" It never did but they waited, prepared. I still wait for the other shoe to drop but it hasn't for decades. Hard to break. I have been giving a lot of thought to what brings me joy and so far it is only shopping which is so shallow but that's it for now. I will keep honing in on it I hope.

We have a radio dj here that says December 22 is the first day of spring as far as he is concerned and has group membership for like minded to which I belong! haha. It's almost here! Sometimes I put a lawn chair by the south facing patio door and bask in the sun on coldest days.

JustAYak

I don't trust it either ((Chicory)). Too may bad things have happened for me to trust my own feelings, sometimes I have a hard time even distinguishing what I am actually feeling. It's hard to live in the present moment when I always fear the future is going to become exactly like the past...

When I think about what brings joy to me, the only thing I can truly think of is playing with my animals and learning about animals...I can get so enthralled with it that I forget about everything else for a while. I love that escape.

GingerM

That's exactly what I celebrate it for. No more driving to work in the dark and coming home in the dark!

I agree completely. The messages left to society by Christ are good messages that seem to have largely gotten entirely lost in the shuffle somewhere - and nowhere moreso than Christmas. All the ads say "If you don't buy me a diamond, you don't love me!" or "If you don't buy me a car, you don't love me!"

My husband and I started a tradition: I buy gifts for me, he buys gifts for him. On Christmas Eve, I give the gift/s I bought for myself to him and he gives his to me. If he likes my gift, he gets to keep it. If I like his gift, I get to keep it. If we don't, then we laugh and say "I have no use for this at all, would you like it?" and give it back. No hard feelings, no rampant consumerism (neither of us are very materialistic - last year I got myself a pair of pajama pants...), no over-hyped expectations. Just the two of us being silly together (one of the corollaries is that if the item given is clothing, the other person must try it on. I must say, he looked dashing in my pajama pants!). It really made the season so much less stressful and so much more enjoyable.

cymbal

Hey,
I would like to hibernate like a bear!
Then they would pass right on by.......
I feel like I'm not so alone now.
Thanks for sharing everyone!

Talltrees

Yes JessSid, I can relate. My mom's mental illness always spikes around Christmas time too. Your situation reminds me so much of my own. My parents are both A's and every year my whole family could feel the tension as Christmas approached... more fighting between my parents (screaming at each other, then sometimes it was physical). My mom's first hospitalization for depression happened right before Christmas in 1999. And now my dad (stepdad, but he's my dad) and I will still talk on the phone and he will mention that she's always in bed again with her books and refusing to take her medication. I hate remembering it, but I know exactly what he is talking about. He tries to sound lighthearted, but I can sense how trapped he feels. In spite of all this, Christmas Day was always exciting and happy for me in my childhood, even if there was drama. We did get presents and go to Grandma's and all of that, so maybe my situation is a little different from yours. I still get an icky feeling about the holidays when my mom calls, because she seems even less "there" than she used to be. She'll start to mumble when she is telling a lie or doesn't care what I'm talking about, or she spends the entire time talking about how great my brother is doing (he is a heroin addict, beats his girlfriend, and is doing WORSE than ever) because he found a room to rent. My parents now have two seven year-olds (twins), so there's plenty of reception for all the hurt that goes around in December. Nothing has changed in the house I grew up in, but it has been very healing for me to spend time away from them. It has really helped me to avoid her phone calls during the holidays. I let her leave messages and I don't care if she wonders why I haven't talked to her in forever.