Very Difficult Time With Christmas
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Very Difficult Time With Christmas
Good morning all. I would like to see if anybody relates to this. All of my adult life I've struggled to enjoy Christmas. This year is no different. The whole holiday season distresses me. By nature I'm the type of person that needs calmness and quiet. This season is anything but.
I think this all stems from my upbringing where it was basically similar to a war zone. Two alcoholic parents and a mentally ill mother on top of the drinking. Of course the holidays brought out the worst in both of them. I remember as a kid in grade school starting to dread Christmas around Thanksgiving. I just knew it would mean fear for me. The fights on Christmas Eve shook me to my core and I remember lying in bed shaking. Physical abuse of my mom was the norm, phone ripped out and one year even the china closet pushed over with the deafening sound of china crashing into a million pieces.
I try so very hard to not feel sad around Christmas but it never works for me. Just the thought of shopping and putting up a tree exhause me mentally.
Does anyone else feel like this??
I think this all stems from my upbringing where it was basically similar to a war zone. Two alcoholic parents and a mentally ill mother on top of the drinking. Of course the holidays brought out the worst in both of them. I remember as a kid in grade school starting to dread Christmas around Thanksgiving. I just knew it would mean fear for me. The fights on Christmas Eve shook me to my core and I remember lying in bed shaking. Physical abuse of my mom was the norm, phone ripped out and one year even the china closet pushed over with the deafening sound of china crashing into a million pieces.
I try so very hard to not feel sad around Christmas but it never works for me. Just the thought of shopping and putting up a tree exhause me mentally.
Does anyone else feel like this??
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Jess, I know where you are coming from, for years I just hated all the drama, the commercialization, everything.
Then one year we adopted a family for christmas, I went to the school where the kids attended, sat with their teachers found out what they wanted and needed, one of the kids only wanted a present for his mother, nothing for himself.
I had a blast shopping for this family, taking those presents to them meant so much to me.
From then on I focused on those who had so much less than me, I volunteered in a school in the worst neighborhood in St. Louis, those kids just wanted time, attention, and hugs.
Skip the stuff at home, focus your energy on someone else, you will be amazed at how you feel, it many ways it saved Christmas for me and made it special again.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Then one year we adopted a family for christmas, I went to the school where the kids attended, sat with their teachers found out what they wanted and needed, one of the kids only wanted a present for his mother, nothing for himself.
I had a blast shopping for this family, taking those presents to them meant so much to me.
From then on I focused on those who had so much less than me, I volunteered in a school in the worst neighborhood in St. Louis, those kids just wanted time, attention, and hugs.
Skip the stuff at home, focus your energy on someone else, you will be amazed at how you feel, it many ways it saved Christmas for me and made it special again.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
JessSid, Welcome to SR! Hugs to you. I'm sorry for the violence and abuse you experienced. No kid should have to go through that. I relate. Holidays were an emotional minefield for me as a kid--I never knew what was going to set off the powderkeg.
Bill, thank you for your share.
Things are certainly getting better for me. One day at a time. It's a process!
Again, JessSid, welcome.
Bill, thank you for your share.
Things are certainly getting better for me. One day at a time.
It's a process! Again, JessSid, welcome.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Oddly for me Christmas was ok, my AF held it together and we had relatives over. Had a lot of presents until sixth grade, after that it was fend for yourself with presents and clothes and any and everything. But it my life was the same as yours, terrified of the drinking and fighting every other day of the year.
One thing I did with my own family (not foo) was the Samaritan Purse shoebox Christmas. We filled several and lots of fun doing that.
One thing I did with my own family (not foo) was the Samaritan Purse shoebox Christmas. We filled several and lots of fun doing that.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Does anyone else feel like this??
I call it my "holiday funk". Even though all the reasons to behave that way no longer exist, I still experience it.
I guess what I'm saying is yes, yes indeed, there are others who can completely and totally relate to what you're saying, and feel that way too. I always breathe a huge sigh of relief on Jan 2, when I can go back to living my normal life.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I know what you are going through Ginger, but you have to refocus, block out the hype, stay away from the mall, if you have to shop the use the internet, shop local, or better yet, make gifts, homemade jelly or cookies are way better than store-bought presents.
Pick a child or family from a giving tree, volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen, go see the childrens version of the Nutcracker, watch Handels Messiah at a local church, drive around at night and just enjoy the lights, maybe visit a live manger scene.
Many of us have bad memories of christmas, it's like anything else, do you let the bad memories win or do you write over them with new "good memories". I have found doing something for those who are less fortunate washes away my bad memories and negative energy, please give it a try just once, if it does not work then go back to books and hiding out, but I believe you will be amazed at the change.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Pick a child or family from a giving tree, volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen, go see the childrens version of the Nutcracker, watch Handels Messiah at a local church, drive around at night and just enjoy the lights, maybe visit a live manger scene.
Many of us have bad memories of christmas, it's like anything else, do you let the bad memories win or do you write over them with new "good memories". I have found doing something for those who are less fortunate washes away my bad memories and negative energy, please give it a try just once, if it does not work then go back to books and hiding out, but I believe you will be amazed at the change.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
I hate the holidays, too -- even though my wife and I have a retail shop, so it's a good time in terms of sales.
There wasn't that much trauma associated with them in my family of origin, but the whole thing is a drag, as far as I'm concerned. Now that my parents are gone and I've basically checked out of my extended family, we just keep things to a minimum -- and what little shopping I do, I do in the local shopping district (small shops on the main street in our neighborhood in the city)....
T
There wasn't that much trauma associated with them in my family of origin, but the whole thing is a drag, as far as I'm concerned. Now that my parents are gone and I've basically checked out of my extended family, we just keep things to a minimum -- and what little shopping I do, I do in the local shopping district (small shops on the main street in our neighborhood in the city)....
T
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I know what you are going through Ginger, but you have to refocus
This year though? This is the first Christmas that my dad will be in jail. Next year he will likely be in prison. I'm dreading this Christmas, but for entirely different reasons. There will be no yelling or screaming, but it will still be difficult.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Ba-Humbug is what id say.
At least I can come here and read threads
like this and not feel alone in my own thoughts
and feeling of the dreaded holidays.
My favorite time of the yr is Fall. Mainly
the months of October thru November.
I thinks its because here in Baton Rouge,
we are inching away from the southern
heat and going into cooler weather.
Anyway.....
It's reassuring to know that there are
others not very far from me here on SR
that dread the holidays because of similar
reasons that stem down from our childhood.
Today, it's just my husband and I together
and we keep life as simple as possible. We
spend most of our time sitting in our open
carport over looking our backyard
watching our birds with a favorite cigar.
We have a tall white fence surrounding our
backyard for privacy which makes me feel
secure and safe.
Anyway.....
Your not alone in having the holidays blues,
because i have them too. What is helping
get thru this time of the yrs. i have a birthday
coming up on the 15th in which i have an
appointment for a pretty tattoo ill be getting
on my leg. I cant wait.
Then we are planning for our next yrs motorcycle
bike trip to a new destination. Just my husband
and I out on the road leaving behind the ba-humbugs.
I know that many people leave town for the
holidays to get away from old family traditions.
Hmmmm, that would be something Id consider
doing myself next yr.
At least I can come here and read threads
like this and not feel alone in my own thoughts
and feeling of the dreaded holidays.
My favorite time of the yr is Fall. Mainly
the months of October thru November.
I thinks its because here in Baton Rouge,
we are inching away from the southern
heat and going into cooler weather.
Anyway.....
It's reassuring to know that there are
others not very far from me here on SR
that dread the holidays because of similar
reasons that stem down from our childhood.
Today, it's just my husband and I together
and we keep life as simple as possible. We
spend most of our time sitting in our open
carport over looking our backyard
watching our birds with a favorite cigar.
We have a tall white fence surrounding our
backyard for privacy which makes me feel
secure and safe.
Anyway.....
Your not alone in having the holidays blues,
because i have them too. What is helping
get thru this time of the yrs. i have a birthday
coming up on the 15th in which i have an
appointment for a pretty tattoo ill be getting
on my leg. I cant wait.
Then we are planning for our next yrs motorcycle
bike trip to a new destination. Just my husband
and I out on the road leaving behind the ba-humbugs.
I know that many people leave town for the
holidays to get away from old family traditions.
Hmmmm, that would be something Id consider
doing myself next yr.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 47
Recovery is so new to me (2 months) that this is the first Christmas that I understand why I just want it to be over...When I was younger I used to love Christmas and holidays because it was one of the few times my family acted "normal."
Now as an adult, and especially this year because I'm fully aware of our dysfunction, I dread the holidays because now I know that we were just acting, playing the role of loving, healthy family for day. As soon as I'm in one of those situations, like Thanksgiving, I start to feel like I'm watching a movie of my life, rather than living it. It reminds me of the childhood I could have had and my family all playing the roles, pretending that everything is okay.
I'm 23 with no husband/bf/kids of my own to celebrate or start new traditions with, so maybe I will try out what Bill said. Always wanted to but never knew where to start in my area.
Now as an adult, and especially this year because I'm fully aware of our dysfunction, I dread the holidays because now I know that we were just acting, playing the role of loving, healthy family for day. As soon as I'm in one of those situations, like Thanksgiving, I start to feel like I'm watching a movie of my life, rather than living it. It reminds me of the childhood I could have had and my family all playing the roles, pretending that everything is okay.
I'm 23 with no husband/bf/kids of my own to celebrate or start new traditions with, so maybe I will try out what Bill said. Always wanted to but never knew where to start in my area.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Dear sibling, try the Red Cross, Salvation Army, United Way, your local school district office, a church in your neighborhood, Boys and Girls Club of America, lots of people and places need your help.
I know many of you are hurting, my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, so are many of my aunts and uncles, our family could not even play nice on holidays, we are the type of family you hear about on the news where someone gets shot or stabbed at a wedding or funeral, so I know where you are coming from.
What I am asking you to do is change your trajectory, make new traditions, they don't have to have anything to do with Chritsmas Trees, relatives, egg nogg with Jim Beam, or fruitcake, decorate the house for Mardis Gras, or with a fake palm tree and island music, but don't let old memories hold you hostage.
Stepping down off my soapbox, again
I know many of you are hurting, my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, so are many of my aunts and uncles, our family could not even play nice on holidays, we are the type of family you hear about on the news where someone gets shot or stabbed at a wedding or funeral, so I know where you are coming from.
What I am asking you to do is change your trajectory, make new traditions, they don't have to have anything to do with Chritsmas Trees, relatives, egg nogg with Jim Beam, or fruitcake, decorate the house for Mardis Gras, or with a fake palm tree and island music, but don't let old memories hold you hostage.
Stepping down off my soapbox, again
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Reading through this thread made me realize that had I completely blocked out why my family of origin doesn't get together for Christmas anymore.
The last one we had must have been around '80. We were at my oldest sibling's house, the favored one who never got beat. From downstairs we heard a lot of yelling and kids screaming. My alcoholic father had actually gotten mad at a 5 year old grandson for some bogus reason, took his hand made him make a fist and then squeezed it till it cracked and hurt and made him scream in pain. My brothers then both lit into him, don't know how much violence was exchanged, while all the kids were crying and scared. This is what my Dad used to do to my brothers when he came home in the middle of the night drunk, he would go into their bedroom and squeeze their hands like that till they woke up screaming. Then he would laugh and laugh. Then he would yell and smack them for screaming. Yeah, great fun.
So my brother said no way this happening to his kid, we are never seeing you again and left in a rage. My sister started calling my brother a big baby, and that it didn't hurt the kid, and that his kid was a whinny baby anyhow and needed to get spanked, blah blah blah. My Dad sat there spewing about what a rotten kid the grand was. Then after he left she kept going on about how my brother (both of them) was always a troublemaker and didn't know how to stay out of my Dad's way. My younger sister started agreeing because she was favored also and doesn't "remember" anything ever happening.
By then I was lulled into agreement for a bit but left feeling just icky. When my brothers told me what really happened I was appalled. They said my Dad had that happy evil glint in his eyes that he had when beating us and said they would never let that happen to their kids. They were done with him. I just shuddered remembering that glint well. I tried telling my sisters our viewpoint but they were stalwart. The divide happened. It seems incredible to me that my sisters can be so willingly blind. If I ever try to discuss anything pertaining to the family of origin she will shut me down with "get over it'. Not a clue as to how cruel she is.
We never had a gathering again for a long time. We had one holiday at my brothers without booze that my sisters didn't like. Never had a holiday together again.
The last 11 years since my Dad died, I actually took my Mom with to the in laws for the holidays and they both loved that. My Mom died last year on Christmas day night.
Since then I pretty much hid away in my family with our daughter catering to her and entertaining her with things I never got. Focused on that. Still do but now she is grown so it isn't as all encompassing as it used to be.
Wow I kind of buried this for a long time. It's just not the kind of thing I can tell to just anyone. I tell people that my family is so big that we would have to rent out the VFW to fit, which is true but not the real reason. Even my in laws don't know about it. They've always wondered why I never went to my side of the family, bear in mind we lived in the same neighborhood and knew each others family. But I do feel safe here, thanks. Hard to finally start dealing with this.
So no, we are not alone in our dread of holidays, we have kindred spirits here on the forum. I pray that we can all redeem the holidays for our own happiness, one way or another like Bill and others have suggested.
The last one we had must have been around '80. We were at my oldest sibling's house, the favored one who never got beat. From downstairs we heard a lot of yelling and kids screaming. My alcoholic father had actually gotten mad at a 5 year old grandson for some bogus reason, took his hand made him make a fist and then squeezed it till it cracked and hurt and made him scream in pain. My brothers then both lit into him, don't know how much violence was exchanged, while all the kids were crying and scared. This is what my Dad used to do to my brothers when he came home in the middle of the night drunk, he would go into their bedroom and squeeze their hands like that till they woke up screaming. Then he would laugh and laugh. Then he would yell and smack them for screaming. Yeah, great fun.
So my brother said no way this happening to his kid, we are never seeing you again and left in a rage. My sister started calling my brother a big baby, and that it didn't hurt the kid, and that his kid was a whinny baby anyhow and needed to get spanked, blah blah blah. My Dad sat there spewing about what a rotten kid the grand was. Then after he left she kept going on about how my brother (both of them) was always a troublemaker and didn't know how to stay out of my Dad's way. My younger sister started agreeing because she was favored also and doesn't "remember" anything ever happening.
By then I was lulled into agreement for a bit but left feeling just icky. When my brothers told me what really happened I was appalled. They said my Dad had that happy evil glint in his eyes that he had when beating us and said they would never let that happen to their kids. They were done with him. I just shuddered remembering that glint well. I tried telling my sisters our viewpoint but they were stalwart. The divide happened. It seems incredible to me that my sisters can be so willingly blind. If I ever try to discuss anything pertaining to the family of origin she will shut me down with "get over it'. Not a clue as to how cruel she is.
We never had a gathering again for a long time. We had one holiday at my brothers without booze that my sisters didn't like. Never had a holiday together again.
The last 11 years since my Dad died, I actually took my Mom with to the in laws for the holidays and they both loved that. My Mom died last year on Christmas day night.
Since then I pretty much hid away in my family with our daughter catering to her and entertaining her with things I never got. Focused on that. Still do but now she is grown so it isn't as all encompassing as it used to be.
Wow I kind of buried this for a long time. It's just not the kind of thing I can tell to just anyone. I tell people that my family is so big that we would have to rent out the VFW to fit, which is true but not the real reason. Even my in laws don't know about it. They've always wondered why I never went to my side of the family, bear in mind we lived in the same neighborhood and knew each others family. But I do feel safe here, thanks. Hard to finally start dealing with this.
So no, we are not alone in our dread of holidays, we have kindred spirits here on the forum. I pray that we can all redeem the holidays for our own happiness, one way or another like Bill and others have suggested.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Story Reminded me of the Beatings my Father Gave me,,,,,,,Horrible.
No Excuse/////////Terrified I was going to Die............His Frustrations/Anger/Rage.....Never Mine....I was a Kid
Shame on Him.....and those that Angered Him.......to be so Violent
No Excuse/////////Terrified I was going to Die............His Frustrations/Anger/Rage.....Never Mine....I was a Kid
Shame on Him.....and those that Angered Him.......to be so Violent
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I know micealc, my dad used a belt on us regularly, he also kicked me in the a$$ so much that I have a damaged tailbone, I am reminded of it whenever I sit on a hard chair, once my mother broke a board over my head.
When I was sixteen and six feet tall I told him, "the beatings stop now, if they don't stop I will beat you with a bat in your sleep" that was the end of the beatings!
When I was sixteen and six feet tall I told him, "the beatings stop now, if they don't stop I will beat you with a bat in your sleep" that was the end of the beatings!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
My heart hurts for the pain that some of you suffered as little children. I wish so much that children were protected from such inhuman actions.
I just send a big hug, wishing to wrap my arms around each of the little children you were, and protect you, and comfort you. You did not deserve this, it should never have happened, and it is hard not to wish vengeance on those guilty of hurting those little children that you were.
I just send a big hug, wishing to wrap my arms around each of the little children you were, and protect you, and comfort you. You did not deserve this, it should never have happened, and it is hard not to wish vengeance on those guilty of hurting those little children that you were.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
My heart hurts for the pain that some of you suffered as little children. I wish so much that children were protected from such inhuman actions.
I just send a big hug, wishing to wrap my arms around each of the little children you were, and protect you, and comfort you. You did not deserve this, it should never have happened, and it is hard not to wish vengeance on those guilty of hurting those little children that you were.
I just send a big hug, wishing to wrap my arms around each of the little children you were, and protect you, and comfort you. You did not deserve this, it should never have happened, and it is hard not to wish vengeance on those guilty of hurting those little children that you were.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yes my brothers did the same thing when they were strong enough. For me it only got worse as he brought home drunk friends to show them how beautiful I was. Ugh. My brothers thought he had stopped beating me but they all lefy when I was 13. Thanks for understanding, sorry if I hijacked this thread...
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Chicory, thanks for the kind words, my wife says I have a superhero complex when it comes to kids because I want to save them all.
I could make a crusade out of delivering venegeance to child abusers and molesters, too bad it must be left to a highly ineffective justice system.
I could make a crusade out of delivering venegeance to child abusers and molesters, too bad it must be left to a highly ineffective justice system.
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