NewBeginnings1598

Thanks GiveLove. You are right. I do need to step back. I am letting my emotions get the best of me. I do tend to be impulsive. I have had a conversation with my dad and told he that he had to want this. He could not do this just because I told him he should. He does still want to do this but told me that he is very scared. He just wants her to get help and he does not know how to do that. I told him that I did not either and that if he did not feel comfortable with leaving or with doing the intervention then we would not do it. I told him I would support him either way, I just would not put myself around my AM anymore. He is still scared but he does know that we cannot sit here for another 15 years watching her do this to herself. I will take the rest of the night and relax and I will go to work tomorrow and try not to fret over this tomorrow and try to get some actual work done.

Thank you everybody for all your advice. I really do need it because as I am sure you all know this is so hard and I don't really know how this will all work out.

GingerM

Of course it is tearing you apart. In a sense, your mother is currently on life support but not going to live, and you are in the anger stage of grieving. And to make matters worse, she di this to herself. Now you're the one being asked to "pull the plug". Anyone in that situation (in reality, and I know a few people who had to make that decision) is going to be in excruciating emotional pain.

Give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. Give yourself permission to grieve. Just do your best to not get pulled or manipulated back into maintaining the status quo.

I'm also throwing my support behind Dothi's comment that unless you've lived with an alcoholic, it's not possible to understand the degree of crazy that goes with it. I'm sure the people offering you "advice" have good intentions, but they simply can't understand the problem well enough. We folks here, on this forum? We understand the crazy. I wish I didn't, but since I have to, I hope to make some use of it by helping others.

NewBeginnings1598

Thanks Ginger M. I have done a lot better today. I know tomorrow will be hard but I know that it is something I have to do if I want to stop going through this all time. My heart is breaking and other than the stress of thinking how it will go tomorrow, I am feeling better about the decision. All I can do is pray and give it to God. He knows what is best for me and my family.

GiveLove

Big hugs, ((( amiwrong )))

I know exactly how hard this is.

NewBeginnings1598

So today is the day. I am a complete mess. I feel an anxiety attack approaching. I am practing deep breathing. I don't know how I will make it though today and I certainly don't know how I will make it through tonight, but I know I will. I know I will be devastated if she refuses help tonight and know that it may very well be the last time I ever talk to her. I keep asking myself if I will be able to handle it if she dies because we left, but deep down I know that without help she will die with or without me. I hate that I have to do this becasue it's not fair. I was a child when this started and I know it is not my fault but every part of me keeps asking myself if I could have done more years ago. I have to stop feeling this way. I am planning on starting al anon this weekend with my dad and brother. I feel that we went through this together and we should go get help together. Everything I know in life will change today. Can anyone give me any advice as to how to make this tolerable?

GiveLove

amiwrong,

I know this is very hard. You wish you didn't have to do this. And so what I'm about to say might sound really simplistic but...try to listen with an open mind.

Please try not to awfulize. You can't know what's going to happen, tonight or in the future. Any possible combination of outcomes might happen:

--she may decide that it's no longer worth it to drink
--she may promise that she'll enter recovery, and then decide later not to (yuck)
--you may have to establish no-contact with her, and then find out five years from now that she has found her way
--you may find that no-contact gives you a peace and serenity that is (sadly) worth letting her make her own choices. This was the case with me.

Saying things like "I'll never see her again" may or may not be so, and they certainly don't help you to keep your composure. Although it is VERY hard not to think the worst, please, please, please try not to torture yourself with these kinds of absolutes and these kinds of worst-case-scenario obsessions. They aren't constructive, and don't help you to get through the task at hand.

When you feel those thoughts entering your mind, trying to whip you up into crazy-making drama, please try to clear your head of them and focus on this minute, this task, this email, this person talking to you instead. They do not help, and they are cruel. Would you shout in a ten-year-old's face, "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE YOUR MOM AGAIN!!!" ? Then don't shout it into your own. Be gentle with yourself.

You are a good woman tasked with a difficult choice, and you need all your strength and calm.

These are the times when the old adage "One day at a time" become "One hour at a time" and even "One minute at a time."

You are doing what's best for you, and best for all involved.
Repeat that statement endlessly if you have to. Al-Anon folks are also particularly fond of the serenity prayer. There have been days when I had to repeat it a thousand times, it seems:

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.

You will get through this. Stay open, stay gentle with yourself, and keep breathing deeply.

NewBeginnings1598

SHE WENT TO REHAB!!! She agreed at first just to make us stop talking, but I did not care, we packed that bag as fast as we could. When we got to the place and it was time to say good bye, she broke down. I take that as a good sign because it's the first time she has shown us true emotion in a long time. I pray this works for her and I pray that God gives her the courage and wisdom to help her. I know she has to be scared right now and I am so proud of her for taking the first step.

tromboneliness

I coulda told you to pack the bag first -- it's easier that way!

After my qualifier went to what we now refer to as "the spa," at first she said, "OK -- I'll go, but only for two weeks!" That turned into 28 days, which turned into almost 5 months -- that's how long it took before "the brainwashing took effect," but it just goes to show that the whole thing can work.

At this point, it's really important -- at the risk of giving advice -- for you to keep working on your stuff. Go to Al-Anon, read the books, blah-blah. Really work on it -- because if the goal, up to this point, was only to get Mom to go to rehab, that's establishing another expectation. And, as we know, expectations are premeditated resentments. So it's essential to continue figuring out how to focus on yourself, let go of efforts to control outcomes, and so on. Certainly, you can take a deep breath, because the interventioned worked (in the sense that the person who needed to go to rehab went to rehab). But that doesn't mean everything's all fixed now; it just means you're on to the next stage of... whatever's going to happen... a lot of which is out of your hands!

T

reverse

Yes, I too believe what you need to do is focus on your own recovery and healing path. Expectations will/may set you up for further disappointment in the future.

I am glad that she is making the effort to go to rehab. That is something I have dreamed for years of seeing in my own family. However, I have not been that fortunate, therefore life goes on without her.
Blessings and healings to you and your family. Continue to stick to your boundaries...even tho she is getting help, let her do the work that she needs b/c if you still come around like all is good...it may be tempting for her to think its all good and she doesn't need to do any "hard work" on herself. I, personally would still recommend you take a break from ur relationship w/ her...give her space and u space. Sounds like u all need a break and could benefit from some personal reflection--getting in touch w/ yourself.

Keep in touch

GiveLove

I'm so glad, amiwrong. It's a good next step. No matter what choices she makes from here on out, you know that you have done all you could do.

And I second...or is it third?.....the suggestion to really dig deep into your own "stuff" through AlAnon, counseling, or whatever is helpful to you. As I'm sure you know, this isn't the end of things, and there may be many challenges yet ahead. It would be great if you could be prepared for them with a calm mind, with your options well thought-through.

For now, congratulations on surviving all of your hard work, your stress, your tears, your anger, and your awful day leading up to yesterday's events.

Please do something nice for yourself this weekend. Catch up on your sleep, and treat yourself tenderly. You've done something good, no matter what comes next.

:ghug3

NewBeginnings1598

Thanks everyone and don't worry GiveLove, I will be going to bed early tonight and sleeping late in the morning. I will also still go to the Al Anon meeting this weekend. I do understand that I still need to start the healing process on myself. I hope to have my dad and brother join me there as well. I know this is not the end by any means, and I know I should not get my hopes up too high. I have to admit that I am pretty exicted though. This is the frist time we have convinced her that she did need help. I do think we got something through to her by the end because of the emotion she displayed. I could be wrong and it could be another manipulation but for now all is calm and it feels so nice. We will find out Monday morning if she chooses to do the actual program the "spa" offers. She has to go through the detox before signing herself into that, but all I can do is pray that she makes the right decision. As for me, I am looking forward to a stress-free weekend with my husband and my first meeting at Al Anon Sunday and dinner with my dad and brother Sunday night. It's been a long time since I have had dinner with my family without all the tension.

GiveLove

:ghug3

NewBeginnings1598

Well, I got a phone call at 5 this morning. It was my AM saying she was all better now and they were discharging her. I spoke with the counselor and she said that my mom was making the choice to not enter the program with the other ladies because she was fixed. I spoke back to my mom and told her that I loved her and that is why I was not coming to get her. She promised to go to AA meetings and to go to the local rehab center and I told her no. The local rehab center is only a detox program. There is no long term care there plus I know she is lying and would not go to begin with. She was very angry with me and hung up in my face. Oh well. It's hard to say no but I know it's the right thing to do. The place she is at cannot give me information on her but I did call back and ask if she had entered the program since we were not coming to get her and they told me yes she is ok. I hope that means she entered the program. I am not sure since legally they cannot tell me anything other than she is ok. I guess we will see. If she chooses to set out on foot, I wish her luck because it's an hour drive to where she is and it's raining very hard today. I will go up there tonight to bring her cigarettes and I hope she is there to get them.

tromboneliness

This is where it's really important to stick to your guns. Whatever the boundaries you've set, the alkie wants to ignore them and hope you'll let her go back to the same old thing.

When my qualifier was at the "spa," at various points she talked about checking out and going home. I told her, "I can't force you to stay, and you have a plane ticket home, so if you intend to use it, I can't stop you. However, if you decide to check out of that place against staff advice, I am asking you to give me 48 hours' notice, so I'll have time to get my stuff OUT OF THE HOUSE before you come home. If you come home before you've finished treatment, I won't be here to watch you die."

That's basically how I had to state it. In other words, "I'm not telling you what to do -- all I'm sayin' is, if you do this, I'm doing that."

Alcoholics always want to walk right past our boundaries and hope we won't do anything (because in the past, we always let them do that). If we keep letting them ignore our boundaries, nothing changes.

T

NewBeginnings1598

Thanks Tromboneliness, I will stick to my guns. I have called everyone who knew about this situation and they are not going to pick her up either. I have already made arrangements for my dad to go somewhere tonight should she find her way home. I did make sure that was my dad's decision first. You are correct that we have told her many times before we would do this or that and she just walked right past what we said. My dad knows he has to put his foot down and that we have to keep the boundaries up. I just wish I knew if she entered the program because then I would know whether or not to have my dad pack. She does not have one red penny to her name right now so if she does come home, then it will be very miserable for her. But that is her choice to make and I hope she understands that. If she is there when I take the cigarettes to her tongiht should I see her to remind her of this? I would like to just drop the cigarettes and card off at the front desk and not see her at all right now.

GingerM

I would drop the cigarettes off and not see her.

The likelihood of there being a really ugly confrontation, which would not change anything and do nothing but create even more bad feelings, is very high in this situation.

That is what *I* would do.

I recommend you listen to what your gut instinct tells you and that you make sure that, first and foremost, you take care of yourself and protect yourself.

suki44883

I agree with those who say just drop off the cigarettes and don't see her. However, I would call first just to make sure she's still there before driving an hour.

NewBeginnings1598

Thanks, I can't call to see if she is there because they will not release information to me. I live 20 minutes away from the rehab center. It is an hour from where my AM lives. I wish I did know if she was there or not. She could have called someone to pick her up that I did not think about. I am hoping that they will not let me leave something for her if she is not there???

NewBeginnings1598

I have been away for a few days because I have just been depressed about this whole situation. We thought she was wandering the streets Monday night and we were all very upset. She did go back to the rehab center Monday night which is a good thing. She called my dad yesterday afternoon and told him to have me come get her. My dad was caught off guard (and probably scared to say no) and said ok. He called me and I told him that I was not going to get her. He said I know. I made a mistake. I then called the rehab center so they could tell her that I was not coming and she had extra cigarettes and a calling card there for her. The counselor told me that we needed to keep refusing to get her and they would do their best to help her. Well she called again today and told me that she was ready to come home and that the counselor told her there was no reason for her to be there. I calmly told her that I talked to her counselor when she called me Monday morning and that is not what they told her so she could go ahead and stop telling me that. She said I do not have a problem. I only drank two a night. I told her that was not true and we both knew it. She said I am homeless right now. I said no, you have a bed to sleep in and you will continue to have a bed to sleep in if you let them help you with your problem. She then told me my problem is that my family does not listen to me when I talk and I said the problem is you are not listening to us. She said bye and hung up.

I called my dad and he told me that she had called him too and that she wanted to know why I did not pick her up. My dad said it was because he told me not to. My mom was like I am homeless and they told me to go home and there was nothing wrong with me. My dad told her the same thing that I did that she needed help and since she would not help herself, we were trying to get her help and that she had a bed to sleep in. She started telling him that she did not have a problem and my dad said I am not listening to that anymore and hung up.

I am proud of him. This is hard to tell my mom no, but I just keep hoping and praying that she will get the hint soon and accept the help. I feel better now because she has to realize that she is there until we decide she comes home. Nobody is picking her up. Judging by her voice, she is starting to see that but as we all know it is probably manipulation once again.

Any ideas as to how long she will continue to call to come home? Will she crack and admist the problem?

I know that nobody knows the answer to that but if anyone has experience with this, your story would help me.

Thanks

dothi

Wow! Just wanted to say you and your dad did a GREAT job enforcing your boundaries. You deflected a barrage of escalating excuses and hooks of guilt, absolutely maintaining your cool.