thyme

Hi, i'm looking for some guidance here. my father is 81 and stone deaf and also an alcoholic, he has always drank, but he has definately got worse as he has got older, he used to hold a respectable job when he was younger, but took early retirement, and has gradually reclined. He remarried my mother25 years ago, they have always had an on and off relationship, and my mother , i think always been unhappy, but always blaming my dad. I really don't know who is to blame, but always feel i am piggy in the middle. The problem is now my father is totally housebound, he cannot walk easily even to go to the bathroom, but he still needs his whisky, and my mother always gets his drink when she goes to the supermarket, she is age 80 but very fit, and very resentful of my father, as she thinks he is holding her back from enjoying life. he has never wanted to go anywhere, and my mother wants to do everything, like travel abroad etc. He is now demanding more and more alcohol, and i am getting involved, as my father says i should help my mother do the weekly shop, as she is not feeling well. I have tried to tell mother she should say no i'm not buying it for you, but she can't do that because he is very domineering, and she just gives in for the sake of peace. What should i do? just leave them to get on with it or what?. I do drive my mother to get her shopping but she is not dependant on me

Goldberry

That's difficult. It's hard to see our loved ones go downhill and get older especially if they are alcoholics. That just makes it so much worse. I have told my dad not to buy my mom's wine but when they go shopping they buy it in large quantities at Costco or wherever they happen to go. We are creatures of habit and when you have done something for so long it is soooo very hard to just not do it. I think my dad just can't change his behavior of enabling either unless he gets some outside help and understands what he is up against. I have also told him that he should get help and go to an Al Anon meeting in his area. I even went on line and found the ones nearest to him. But that too is very hard to do at their age they are so set in their ways. It's like pulling the deepest roots out of the ground. I believe he is in denial. So I have resorted to not even talk about it anymore and keep my distance (easier to do since I live approx 150 mi away), even with phone calls, which is harder to do. It has helped give me more peace and I feel I am not trying to fix what I can't. I'm trying not to lose my temper and have been going to meetings myself to help change my behavior and responses so I show love but don't provoke, beg, yell or enable either. Hope you can use some of this info for yourself. Al Anon might be a great solution because you need to work on your own healing. You will get some wonderful ideas and support. You will learn so much about this disease and how it affects the whole family. How to respond to certain situations, deal with the alcoholic and codependent...and much more. I hope there is one in your area but if not keep coming here. This site has helped me tremendously. I come here maybe three times a week. I don't always post, sometimes I just read but I always learn something.
God Bless

Rancorous

Your father is 81. As an 81 year old he is most definitely set in his ways. He won't change for ANYONE. Besides, why would he change now? Hes old, hes one foot in the grave. Hes also an adult who can make his own decisions. Its up to your mom to decide what she wants to do, not up to you to make those decisions for her. I'd refuse to get involved if I were you.