personally
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
I can think back to having feelings of codependency before I ever realized that my father had a drinking problem (probably around age 8-9). My mother was very partial to my sister in every way (i.e. financially, emotionally, etc.).
When I first attended Alanon as a young adult and found out that fear of rejection was one of the prominent traits, I remember thinking that those feelings didn't come from my father (the addict) but from my mother (the codie).
So anvil has once again hit the nail on the head. I can promise you that if you attend an alanon meeting they will welcome you with open arms even if you can't determine where your codependecy originated.
If you've never attended, all you have to do is listen. You can participate in the discussion when you are good and ready. I didn't open my mouth until my fourth meeting. I just sat and cried through the first three.
Alanon is free to anyone. They are self-supporting and usually ask for a $1.00 contribution from members at the end of the meeting (if you have it). However, you are not even expected to do that until you become a member.
You have reached out for help by posting on this site and I hope you continue. Co-dependency is a very painful existence without any coping skills.
When I first attended Alanon as a young adult and found out that fear of rejection was one of the prominent traits, I remember thinking that those feelings didn't come from my father (the addict) but from my mother (the codie).
So anvil has once again hit the nail on the head. I can promise you that if you attend an alanon meeting they will welcome you with open arms even if you can't determine where your codependecy originated.
If you've never attended, all you have to do is listen. You can participate in the discussion when you are good and ready. I didn't open my mouth until my fourth meeting. I just sat and cried through the first three.
Alanon is free to anyone. They are self-supporting and usually ask for a $1.00 contribution from members at the end of the meeting (if you have it). However, you are not even expected to do that until you become a member.
You have reached out for help by posting on this site and I hope you continue. Co-dependency is a very painful existence without any coping skills.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Vermont
Posts: 67
I'm not really sure where to start. I'm still living at home. I love my parents. But i've never felt comfortable enough to talk to them about anything. Kept my depression a secret for a long time. I've talk to my mom a little bit. But thats still hard because I'm the only one she comes to when she has problems and needs to talk. And my dad depends on me too much. He expects me to help him with his work. I don't get paid at all. I feel pretty much helpless cause I have no form of income, and no money to be able to do anything for myself. I don't like being so dependent on them. But it seems like they're too dependant on me. I've felt like the parent on many occasions lately. I've been feeling more and more fed up with my situation lately.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
03fifteen, that sounds so very like the family I grew up in. And also others' experiences here mirror my own too. I was the "parent" in my family my whole life -- since I knew how to do it. My dad is the alcoholic, but I've spent a lot of time dealing with that. Now I realize that so many of my problems, like leelee's, come from my codie mom, who is way too dependent on me -- emotionally, financially etc.
It's true that sometimes alcoholic behavior patterns can be carried down through generations. And sometimes people are dysfunctional for other reasons. Whatever the case in your family, your feelings are real and valid and I'm glad you are starting to explore them.
You'll find help here. I also encourage you to try an al-anon meeting or two to see if any of it helps you. Please stick around. We're all in this together. Hugs and love to you.
It's true that sometimes alcoholic behavior patterns can be carried down through generations. And sometimes people are dysfunctional for other reasons. Whatever the case in your family, your feelings are real and valid and I'm glad you are starting to explore them.
You'll find help here. I also encourage you to try an al-anon meeting or two to see if any of it helps you. Please stick around. We're all in this together. Hugs and love to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Vermont
Posts: 67
Thank you Leelee and takincareofme. Your words are encouraging. I may try the Al-anon meetings but i'm not sure if I feel comfortable to yet. I have no way of transporting myself. I feel guilty when i dont work with him. And i also feel guilty when I need him to bring me somewhere off of the normal loop. My twin sister (not identical) also feels she has to help him work. She has her own job she works everyday. But she may feel obligated to because he brings her to and from work. I dont know why she still does. She has her own car, its insured, and registered. But she also dosent have her license yet. so she cant drive it. Its just sitting in the driveway. My sister dosent help sometimes eaither because when i can't (because of health) or just dont want to help (because i'm sick of it) she makes me feel more guilty. She's not very empathetic. She also dosent ever get sick and dosent feel the least bit hindered by her "time of the month".
Wow. This is all more than i thought i'd write. I guess it helps when i'm not talking to people that know my family.
Wow. This is all more than i thought i'd write. I guess it helps when i'm not talking to people that know my family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Welcome, 03fifteen!
The anonymity really helps. It's private from your family here, and will never be thrown back in your face by them.
I was also the parent in my family from a very early age. My AF (alcoholic father) also had a lot of control by being the only driver (we lived a good drive from town). So unless we were going somewhere convenient that he approved of, we were stuck. It only changed once I had reasons to be out of the house (work and school). Slowly I piggybacked finding help onto these legitimate reasons to be away from home. AF has no idea I sought therapy for the years I was in university. It's definitely possible to get help once you get yourself out there.
What do you see yourself doing in a few years? Have you thought about it much?
The anonymity really helps. It's private from your family here, and will never be thrown back in your face by them.
I was also the parent in my family from a very early age. My AF (alcoholic father) also had a lot of control by being the only driver (we lived a good drive from town). So unless we were going somewhere convenient that he approved of, we were stuck. It only changed once I had reasons to be out of the house (work and school). Slowly I piggybacked finding help onto these legitimate reasons to be away from home. AF has no idea I sought therapy for the years I was in university. It's definitely possible to get help once you get yourself out there.
What do you see yourself doing in a few years? Have you thought about it much?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Hi there 03fifteen
I am very new around here and I have found it unbelievably helpful, everyone is very, very supportive.
I am very, very passionate on this subject. In my book, it is just plain wrong for a parent to expect their child to look after them. Most probably because I was that child who had to take care of my AF, my codie mother and my little brother. I can remember being 9 and cooking breakfast for my brother, getting him dressed and organised and taking him to school. My father was drunk, my mother was in bed because she couldn't cope. I did it because I could.
I can also relate to that feeling of "having" to help your parent. I still feel that way and I'm 44 (lol). It is only a feeling though. I recently decided to eliminate words such as have to, should, must, it is your duty to from my life.
Well done to you for starting this journey and welcome again.
I am very new around here and I have found it unbelievably helpful, everyone is very, very supportive.
I am very, very passionate on this subject. In my book, it is just plain wrong for a parent to expect their child to look after them. Most probably because I was that child who had to take care of my AF, my codie mother and my little brother. I can remember being 9 and cooking breakfast for my brother, getting him dressed and organised and taking him to school. My father was drunk, my mother was in bed because she couldn't cope. I did it because I could.
I can also relate to that feeling of "having" to help your parent. I still feel that way and I'm 44 (lol). It is only a feeling though. I recently decided to eliminate words such as have to, should, must, it is your duty to from my life.
Well done to you for starting this journey and welcome again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Vermont
Posts: 67
Thanks for the welcome and support. In the future I hope to be moved out (with a friend or my sister). With a job of my own. My own car. I'll probably stay in the state cause I have so much family here. But I have a friend in the southern part of the state so I'm not so close. Which i think would be good for me. I've contemplated college. My friend wants me to go to college. Something to get me out of here. And she thinks it would be good for me. I'm not totally convinced I want to. Its also hard cause i've brought the subject up with my parents. And of course they don't like the idea. (my parents havent pressured us to move out yet.)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
I'm really glad you found this place since you are unable to get to meetings or counseling. It is so wonderful to have a place to go 24 hours a day. There's always support and you can bet you are going to find people who have experienced at least some form of what you're going through.
Sometimes the worst part of living in a situation like ours is feeling like you're the only one going through it. To have other people tell you they have been there and understand was always very comforting to me.
So please keep coming here and posting and letting us all know how you are. Even if you can't come every day, at least check in from time to time. There is so much wisdom here in addition to understanding. It can really help you through some dark and lonely times.
No matter where your feelings of codependency came from, they are real and they are YOUR feelings. The fact that you have reached out tells me you are smart enough to be aware that something's not right and are probably wise beyond your years.
Keep your eye on your future, because you will find a way to either get away (as you mentioned...college, etc.) from the burden you are under now, or deal with it in a manner that won't make you unhealthy emotionally. It is a lifetime journey. I am 52 and my alcoholic father has been deceased for 13 years but I still deal with my codependent mother. I'm not telling you that to discourage you (like it never gets better), but to encourage you to continue to get help and information. You are young, and if you start now, you will have a "jump start" on your adult life that will make things easier for you. I didn't get my first help (Al-anon) until I was in my mid-twenties. I was already married with children before I realized how abnormal my childhood was.
You hang in there and remember that you are not the only one...and there are people here that you can confide in without being judged.
(((Hugs)))
Sometimes the worst part of living in a situation like ours is feeling like you're the only one going through it. To have other people tell you they have been there and understand was always very comforting to me.
So please keep coming here and posting and letting us all know how you are. Even if you can't come every day, at least check in from time to time. There is so much wisdom here in addition to understanding. It can really help you through some dark and lonely times.
No matter where your feelings of codependency came from, they are real and they are YOUR feelings. The fact that you have reached out tells me you are smart enough to be aware that something's not right and are probably wise beyond your years.
Keep your eye on your future, because you will find a way to either get away (as you mentioned...college, etc.) from the burden you are under now, or deal with it in a manner that won't make you unhealthy emotionally. It is a lifetime journey. I am 52 and my alcoholic father has been deceased for 13 years but I still deal with my codependent mother. I'm not telling you that to discourage you (like it never gets better), but to encourage you to continue to get help and information. You are young, and if you start now, you will have a "jump start" on your adult life that will make things easier for you. I didn't get my first help (Al-anon) until I was in my mid-twenties. I was already married with children before I realized how abnormal my childhood was.
You hang in there and remember that you are not the only one...and there are people here that you can confide in without being judged.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Vermont
Posts: 67
i just posted something in another thread, you might have some help http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2349623
Thank you everyone. All of your words help very much. I want to start working on this. But i'm still not sure where to start. I hope my book comes in soon, a friend got me a book and is sending it to me so i'll have to go check the mail today. I'm glad I haven't gotten into anything like drugs or alcohol. Because i'm definitely sure things wouldn't have turned out so well. My mom's side of the family has alcohol emotional problems. And my dad's side of the family, i'm not aware of any addiction problems, but i know there is definite codependent problems and relationship problems. I think my religion has really helped me in the sense that knowing what God likes and doesn't like has really helped me not get into some bad situations. So things could definitely be worse.
Thanks again everyone.
Thank you everyone. All of your words help very much. I want to start working on this. But i'm still not sure where to start. I hope my book comes in soon, a friend got me a book and is sending it to me so i'll have to go check the mail today. I'm glad I haven't gotten into anything like drugs or alcohol. Because i'm definitely sure things wouldn't have turned out so well. My mom's side of the family has alcohol emotional problems. And my dad's side of the family, i'm not aware of any addiction problems, but i know there is definite codependent problems and relationship problems. I think my religion has really helped me in the sense that knowing what God likes and doesn't like has really helped me not get into some bad situations. So things could definitely be worse.
Thanks again everyone.
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