takincareome

This sounds so very silly, but I'm just downright gleeful about it and figured you lovely folks would understand.

For those of you who have been keeping up, my codie mom and I are doing some dancing around each other after I refused to give her money. Been her caretaker and "parent" my whole life. So these days, as my user name says ... I'm takincareome. After 36 years.


Anyway, I'm ticked at her right now for something she said online. It's a long story and it's stupid but it pissed me off. She e-mailed me today and said she would call me tonight. She hasn't but that's not the important thing.

I was feeling all conflicted because I don't want to talk to her, because I'm still angry. And lo and behold, I realized .... I don't have to answer the phone. I don't have to talk to her if I don't feel like it.

It sounds silly to say that that's never really occurred to me. My job from childhood was to be there for her 24/7, no matter what else I had going on. I remember dropping everything when I was in college, studying for a test, to listen to her cry and carry on about her problems. So NOT answering the phone ... why, that was just unthinkable.

It just makes me smile. I hope the phone rings so I can NOT answer. How funny is that???

Iwanttoheal

Isn't it a wonderful feeling when the penny drops " I don't have to answer the phone because I don't WANT to"

I was skipping around the house last week when I did exactly the same thing to my own mother singing gleefully " I'm a naughty girl, I'm disobeying my mother and I LOVE it" I'm 44 for heaven's sake.

It was a tiny step that I treasure deeply. It was one of my first steps in knowingly un-entangling myself from our unhealthy enmeshed relationship. A first step on a long road.

I so get where you are takeincareofme.

PS A little tip for when you are not feeling so strong - your mobile can be switched off and your landline can be disconnected at the wall junction (tee hee)

dothi

Hey TCOM, this new feeling of freedom is going to take you much further. Not only do you NOT have to answer the phone, you don't have to buy only the things they would approve of, or talk to the people they think are best for you.

The only thing that will hold you back now is your confidence in you. If you feel that confidence waver and that need to cave in to familiarity stir, remind yourself: you have already been living your life all these years. All the things you need to learn and be aware of to live a full life separate from your mom's rules you already know. Just keep moving forward

tromboneliness

Talk about naughty -- last year, when my Mom was in the hospital and I was locked in a battle of wills (which I now refer to as my "Al-Anon Relapse") with my Dad over her care, my Dad became incredibly incensed when, after a string of invective on his part, I just hung up on him, then didn't answer when he called back. Man, did that ring his gong -- in 45 years, he had never experienced that from me, and he threw a gigantic hissy fit when I refused to accept more than the usual amount of calumny and abuse.

I call that "letting go of the rope, when he tries to pull me in."

T

takincareome

Thanks guys!!

She didn't call last night. She did this morning, and I answered. But I did it because I wanted to, so there wasn't an issue there. I just didn't feel like talking to her last night.

Yes, it's a glorious feeling. Thanks for ALL your thoughts guys!!!