bragi

Y'know, I was thinking about this, and I think part of the fear is that you (I) think that, when you find some task or thing that makes you happy, you have to hold on to it as tight as you can -- you can't let it go or finish it, because who knows what's beyond that scary hill? Probably sadness, fear, and worry.

The task or project or TV show (or whatever!) becomes a brief respite, and represents something you (I) so desperately want: peace and happiness.

I think part of this fear comes from the "deafening silence" of living in the households we grew up in.

What do you all think?

HealthyLimits

I think that when you make a choice to hold onto anything just one second longer you've stopped enjoying it and allowed it to make you sad or unhappy. How many times have you taken a bite of something amazing and it was soooo good that with the first bite you were already sad it was going to be gone.

I would read up on buddhist teachings and philosophy as it would address the issues you're talking about.

Every night for as long as I can remember I stand outside and watch the sunset. I love sunsets! I never hold onto them, I let them go as they do and I have stopped allowing myself to wish I could have more. A day will come that I've seen my last sunset and while I will always want one more I understand that would be the case if my last came today, next month or in 500 years.

Try to find something that helps with the noise in your head so you don'thave to keep covering it. Meditation is an excellent tool.

PS 5 Years ago I would have thought I was a moron for the above advice and looked down on myself for having such non-traditional American views.

bragi

HealthyLimits,

It's funny that you mention sunsets, because I feel like I've had this exact issue while on vacations and out enjoying nature: It's almost like I want to capture it in a bottle and hold it forever. Or on the flip side, I want events/places to be better than they are, and get sad about it.

Anyway, your point here is wonderful, and it was sort of an epiphany to read it. Thank you so, so much. I'm going to have to keep thinking on it.

Y'know, in the past I've read a good amount on Buddhism, and I always felt like I wasn't quite doing it right, because I just became more stressed out. What you're saying here makes it make so much more sense. Thanks a ton -- again :-)

GiveLove

You know, bragi, there's a cousin to Buddhism you might enjoy, called Shambhala. I work in that often, and I get a lot of comfort out of it.

There's still a meditation part to it, and a little bit of the "let go of suffering" aspect to it, but it's much more focused on inner courage, stepping away from our cocoons of habitual patterns (thinking and acting) and learning to lead fearlessly with your heart.........all things I couldn't even dream of doing when I first started my recovery. It's dovetailed nicely with all of the other ACOA work I do. I'm definitely more aware and more courageous than I used to be.

Here's a better description than my lame one:
About Shambhala - Vision, Lineage, Meditation, Community

I like your description of hanging on to things because of the unknowns that might come afterwards. That fits me too.

DesertEyes

Wonderful thread, gang

For me it's just the same old "brain washing" I got as a kid. Living in a "toxic family" there was absolutely no predictability to my world. I had no way to determine what things I could to in order to have good outcomes, or prevent bad. _anything_ I did would randomly produce wonderful happiness or terrible pain.

When I became an adult I had no other way to measure reality. I had no experience of a life that wasn't completely random. So when good things happened to me, of course I assumed they would never last.

What I have learned is that reality is _not_ random. My parents were, but life is not. Today _I_ have the control as to how I _interpret_ life. It is _my_ choice to label something as "bad" or "good"..... or _both_. It's kindof like that "ying" and "yang". Everything in life is what _I_ make of it, and I can make it _both_.

I lost my marriage a few years ago, that was definetly bad. That loss drove me to al-anon and the discovery of a whole new "me". That was definetly good. I was diagnosed with a terminal disease, that was bad. I found a whole new community of friends thru the Heart Association, that has been wonderfuly good. My business in L.A. went broke with the economy, and I found a whole new career in Las Vegas.

Sunsets? I love them, as I have learned from another member here on SR, if it weren't for the sunset I would never get to see the stars. If the stars never faded with the sunrise, I would never get to hear the birds in the morning. I no longer believe in sunsets or sunrises, beginnings or endings. I believe in making _today_ the best day I have ever had.

http://evanayers.com/Images/Acha/Wallpaper.jpg

Mike

londonvanpelt

I have found that the reason I don't finish projects is because during childhood I would start something new and my mother and grandmother would pull the rug out from under me, so I couldn't finish. I was programmed for this. They still do it, so I can't let them know about things I am doing. Registered my own business and when my mother found out she asked me if I was crazy. I don't know why they do this. My friend's husband did the same thing to her until she found out he was sabotaging her efforts because he was afraid to lose her. Sounds like someone in your past did this to you. Do you remember anything that happened like this? It happens a lot more than I realized.