Running out of things?
 

Does anyone have issues where they don't want to finish projects or tasks because they don't want to "run out" of things? I have this issue and I find it puzzling, though I do have some inklings what it means.

Does anyone have any insights on this issue?

I have a similar situation. I make lists of things that I need to do (daily, weekly, monthly, yearly). While this serves as setting goals for myself, i think it also has to do with the workaholic in us ACoA's...if we stop working or keeping ourselves busy then what? For me, it would mean I would have too much time to think. Its an avoidance tactic for me, and also, as a child it was never good to be just sitting around relaxing or playing "doing nothing"...because that meant you were "useless" or "lazy", and would be put straight to work, doing the job over and over again until it was done PERFECTLY.

I've experienced something similar, but it tends to be a "what if I do it wrong" sort of thing. My mom is the universal champion at this - she's so terrified that she'll be judged harshly that she simply never completes anything (which drives my dad batty, causing him to be harsh on her, causing her fear of harsh reprisals to escalate, causing her to do even less etc.).

Interestingly, my cure for this was when I started working in a laboratory which had to follow EPA guidelines for accuracy and precision. For most analytical methods, the EPA allows ± 10% accuracy. In other words, the number I produce needs to be shown to be within 90% to 110% of the true value. After many years of this, I realized that if it was good enough for the EPA, it was good enough for me.

So now when I take on tasks, I shoot for 90% good. If it has a few flaws in it, but it's mostly done right, that's good enough. No one can be perfect, so I shoot for "mostly close to perfect" now. It was amazing how much stress in my life disappeared when a task like vacuuming only had to be 90% done. If I leave a cobweb or hunk of dog hair or whatever behind, that's okay, I'll get it next time.

Yeah, it's something like that. Also it's mingled in there with not wanting to be dominated/told what to do, and feeling like I won't be able to do it -- or do it perfectly (up to some phantom standard).

I think you've really nailed it on the head with "nothing as meaningful or enjoyable will come up again," though. That gets to the heart of what I'm talking about. I'm not sure where that comes from, but I'd like to deal with it. At work, I think it comes along with a fear of "well if I finish this and I don't know what's next, will I be gotten rid of?"

Any thoughts?

crystalprincess,

The workaholic aspect is important to note. I think that, even though I have been extremely opposed to authority and overtime, etc., I have some of the "savoring workaholism" -- if you're familiar with that. It basically says that you enjoy having all these projects, and don't want to finish them or give them up.

GingerM,

I like your "90% rule" a lot :-) Thanks!!

Bragi,

have you ever had the Myers-briggs personality indicator done on you? There is a whole personality type (of which I am a member, for better or for worse) that has trouble with completing things, with perfection issues, being forced into doing something, etc.

Myers-briggs types are these four-letter combinations of Introvert/Extravert, iNtuition/Sensory, Feeling/Thinking, Perceiving/Judging. So, ISFP, ENTJ, INTP, types like that are how they categorize your natural way of doing things. (that's a super-duper abbreviated version of what it's all about, sorry)

They even give little phrases to the different types to help you remember them, and they're very telling. My phrase?: I Never Find Perfection (INFP)

I can't count the number of unfinished projects I've left in my wake :)

Not sure if it's an ACOA thing or just me......but either way, it's not a trait I like in myself so I'm working on it. I just finished a stone patio this summer after working on it for a year (sigh)

Hugs,
GL

I have always had trouble finishing things, but it is more out of a fear of judgement of others. I hesitate all the time, daydream, get distracted, do ANYTHING else besides the thing I need to work on. If I need to grade, I will clean. If I need to clean, I will check email, if I need to check email I will rearrange recyclables. And on and on.
I have a theory that a lot of ACOA behaviors are somehow underlain by a need to distract oneself from the 'elephant in the room' that is the alcoholism/addiction of a family member, or just the screaming and threats that happened/will happen/are happening. One gets good at not dealing with the biggest problem in one's life.
Bragi, I haven't figured this out myself. Your insight that a fear of running out of things to do may well be, as noted by GingerM, a need for perfectionism. Believe me, it is a really common trait in alcoholic homes. Something is driving you, or leading you, away from finishing things. The best answer may not be to find the ultimate cause, but to use a cognitive behavior type solution. By this I mean that you do not try to find the cause, you 'talk back' to the emotions (fear) that push/pull you away.
I am not sure this is helpful, but this is a shared problem.
Off to finish something I started over an hour ago.

Hey, congrats on the patio! :-)

Actually, yeah, I have taken Meyers-Briggs tests several times. My strongest indication is INFP -- although sometimes I identify with ENFP as well (they seem to have this 'uncompleted project' problem as well).

That's a funny way to remember INFP. It's nice to think that I'm not alone :-) Thank you so much for your reply!

grewupinabarn,

This is all wonderful information -- thank you very much. It's all very insightful.

Do you have resources (books, articles) for CBT ways of dealing with this issue? Typically I try my hardest to understand myself and why I do things, but that just ends up making me feel like I'm super-flawed, which is no fun. The goal is to find solutions anyway, so I'd like to try out something that can do that! So if you can share anything, thanks!!

Bragi, I went to a therapist in Boston back in the late 90's for CBT to treat social anxiety. I had also done CBT during school in Canada for depression and anxiety. Both therapists used workbooks and journaling whereby I focused my awareness on catching subtle thoughts and emotional reactions as they arose, not repressing them, writing out exactly what those reactions were directed towards and saying about people and the world and me, and then contradicting them.
It is done through a trained therapist. I have never seen a self-help book on it, but that does not mean that none exist - there are many textbooks that review the process. I can say definitely that it is essential to have someone else as a guide in the process.
Some useful descriptions can be found at:
Nami.org
nacbt.org
In truth, a quick search of amazon showed several CBT self-help books. None are the one that I used, but anything that requires you, through forms and persistent detailed questions, to write out what is passing through your head will work.
Having said that, I can say that it I have not been very good at keeping up with the therapy. Part of the goal is to keep working through the steps and workbook after one stops seeing the therapist. Only recently, with the pressures of school, have I returned to writing stuff out. Coming to this forum has definitely helped as I think I say more here than in a live ACOA meeting.
I really hope this helps you, Bragi, and keep posting. I definitely thing that the process of becoming aware of one's little persistent thoughts and feelings, and actively speaking back to them, is a way forward. Meditation also goes a long way toward that awareness.
Take good care of yourself.

One of the characteristics of Adult Children is that they have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

See the "sticky" post at the top of the forum

bragi, Thankyou for the post, got me thinking. I have a hard time doing one thing at a time. I watch tv and sew, or fold laundry. I make long to do lists that I never finish. I am very hard on myself.

Just the way I have always been. I read the stickys above as someone suggested. OMG ... it's me.

I have started to read codependent no more again, read it along time ago, don't remember much about the book, do remember it was hard to read, as I have bad dreams when reading it.
Its time to do some work. Thanks.

I think as people we need to source pain and issues. If my finger is bleeding I can normally see a wound, if I'm hurting, scatter brained, emotional or mad I can't always see the wound so easy. I think nurture versus nature is always a tough call for people that have childhood issues.

Like I'm an ENTP on the MBTI test, what you mentioned is just who I am, starting and never finishing, it has nothing to do with my up bringing. I would suggest many of you try taking the "MBTI test" you can google that quote and take the 4th link down I think it is at simply minds, it will give you some clue as to who you are and maybe help sort out some of the issues that are part of your past from just who you are as a person.

I'll loan you a kid or two and a house that has to sell in the spring.

I totally understand. I don't have any answers, but I understand.

HealthyLimits,

Wondering where some of my traits come from has, as you said so well, been a "tough call" for me. I mean, do I have some strong INFP traits because of my upbringing? Is it possible that traits attributed to personality type are there because of the subject's upbringing, and are not intrinsic? I mean, are personality type tests controlled for things like this?

So, it's hard to just trust the results of my MBTI. It kind of drove me crazy for a little while.

I don't think a test like the MBTI is a fool proof way to sort out every why for the way one behaves. P types tend to be much less scheduled, organized and neat than J types. I think if somebody with a strong P on top of being a more submissive personality type like an ISFP for example grew up in a house run like a boot camp they may test more ISFJ however their upbringing would only change the side of them that would be more messy and I think that P preference would still dominate the other areas of their life such as not wanting to plan ahead so I think they would still test ISFP though maybe not as strong.

I could also see it making an E (extrovert) more reserved due to self esteem issues however they would still prefer to be around people than reading a book so I think they would still be an E versus the I as their preferred method would be external.

The theory behind the test was that we all become more balanced as we age anyway so life will change you all by itself over time and maybe if you have personal issues once those are removed you will start to slowly go in the direction of nature.

I don't know, I have invested a lot of time into the MBTI test and I don't fully trust it by any stretch but it's been a wonderful tool and may help some sort out their lives a little better.

I wonder if anyone has ever done a detailed study of personality types (like the MBTI) and adult children. I wonder if there are any patterns. Yeah, I know. I'm a geek :D

GiveLove,

I think that's a great idea; I'd love to read an article or book about that.