best

I would say you have thought things out very well.
Great job.

utopia

thanks for the love. really feeling it and ur prayers. the convention was fantastic. met some ppl going through and who had gone through the same thing. dont believe in conicidence..very overwhelming weekend. calm resolution within is one day at a time but i feel beckoning inside that i just need to focus on walking into that police station and laying the charge...it doesnt matter to me now about suing him, not even if he is found guilty. i need to testify for my own healing...i told my mother my plans and she didnt exactly approve or disapprove. she said its in the past and why cant i just move on like she has? for me its in my life every day, still feel the effects of it and i feel like this is a part of the healing. a member took my hand at the end of the convention and simply said "you can do it" another members words "you're important" were ringing in my head....i dont feel angry just hurt, a bit sad but somewhat resolved that i need to proceed with this....still one day at a time. thanks again...xx

GingerM

I'm still standing right behind you Utopia. I'm really glad you got to hear from people who had been in your situation and talk to them about it. I do see how making the report to the police could be very helpful in moving forward - to bring it out into the open in such a public manner means it isn't your secret to carry anymore, because it isn't a secret.

I hope you will keep us informed as to how things progress from here.

utopia

thankyou ginger, u expressed how ifeel well. i burst into tears when i read ur thread. ur support means a LOT......i went to the police today and made the first report. soon a detective will interview me and make the full statement, the every ittie bittie details of it all and investigate the case. then they will see what the case is like and confirm before seeking my father. its very veryone day at a time. sure things will develop. practicing Let go let God and its helpingvery much.

utopia

whats that saying "were as sick as our secrets"

GiveLove

Hugs, strength, and peace to you, utopia. I hope this brings you the healing you are seeking.

I know that I was only "as sick as my secrets", that's for sure. I learned a lot from reading Byron Katie, and worked hard to identify and come to grips with "What Is".

When I no longer had secrets, the day I realized that I could freely and easily answer any question about my life without fear and without shame, I felt like most amazing being ever brought to life. The honesty washed me clean, like standing in a wild waterfall. Yes, I was sexually assaulted. Yes, I was neglected and abused. But the courage of honesty (which came to me soooooo sloowwwwly) has brought me to a place of peace with all of this and I am still standing, laughing, exploring, and still a good and loving and worthy human being.

It was more joyful and more powerful than any drug could ever be, and the best evidence I know of the existence of a loving force that guides us.

Wishing this freedom for you with all my heart -- there is no greater joy on earth.

utopia

thanks everyone so much. its means not killing myself when i read these words. serisouly powerful help to read your words. im floating about waiting on a detective to contact me. will let u know how things pan out. def triggering a lot of issues, authority issues, fear, contempt. annoyance. not handling powerlessness very well so a lot of steps 1 2 and 3 going on!!!.

utopia

ok its on...after calling the police repeatedly i found out they had already visited my house...true acoa fashion i was hiding in my room when some "strange man" was knocking on my door at 9 pm one night. maybe that was them? dunno but now the detective is going to call me in the next few days and i feel angry, alone and scared. im praying to my HP and called an alanon friend but i really feel i must walk alone. i just hope i dont lose it at work. i got super agro today. and i dont want to throw away all the good ive gotten in recovery over this but i feel like im in a current of change now and must surrender. help!

GingerM

If it helps, you are not alone. We are all here supporting you and sending you wishes for the best possible outcome. You have our strength to add to your own.

When I got into situations like what you're describing, where I felt scared and alone, often I would think back to a particularly awful memory in my family. Then I would remind myself that I survived that - and this will be nothing in comparison to 'that' (whatever 'that' was). It made me realize how strong I was and helped me to do what I was afraid of doing.

You've lived through far worse than a police interview. Don't think about what happens after the interview, focus on the here and now and this next step. You can't change what happens in the future, but you do have control over what happens right now.

DesertEyes

Hey utopia

You're not alone in the spiritual sense, Utopia. You've got your HP, and you've got all the people of SoberRecovery thinking of you and praying for you every day. That's an awful lot of "spiritual support" you got going for you. Whenver you get to feeling alone and scared, just think of us, and imagine that we are standing right next to you. We're just invisible, is all

I thinks it's incredibly awesome that you have the courage to go thru with this, in spite of the fear and anger and everything else you're feeling. In my opinion, that's _real_ courage, to go thru with what's right even though you're scared.

Utopia, I never had the courage to take my parents to the law. It's too late now, they're all dead. You're a whole lot braver than I ever was, and I really admire you for that.

Mike

utopia

Courage is Fear that has said it's prayers. i feel so different today. I went home and after my prayers and calls to alanon, to here and to stepchat.com i felt the grief come up and my God, i wailed and thrashed about the bed, i felt a bizarre closeness to God, His presence, love, concern and lifting, saving grace. the pain from such a deep place of hurt releasing it through this loud and powerful wailing and thrashing about on my bed. full on intense stuff. I have to say the trust and loe for my HP is growing so much. I REALLY FEEL AND APPRECIATE all you r kind words. I FEEL YOUR LOVE> THANKYOU! I feel like forgetting how i "should" be and am feeling it's gonna be ok and its in gods hands. releasing a lot of expectations how I SHOULD ACt. rather than always judging everyone around me. I trust in Him. steps 123 recovery is such a community of acceptance and support im gonna be ok and even feel a sense of love for whatever may happen. this feels very bizarre but im in a flow. like im being carried and taken forward in this process. I feel like this is fortyfying my faith in myself and in God big time. all i can say right now is im gonna go with this and trust.

rawdeal

Can i just say utopia i am filled with admiration for your strength and determination to put all of this to rest.

You seem to have, despite youre incredibly unfortunate circumstances, turned out to be exactly what you want to be - a real man, and a real family member. Id almost go as far as to call you a hero - keep us posted. xxx

utopia

Hope for Today page 287, random reading picked today for me in meeting. God is real and here. I can stand in my own strength. I'm telling my mum and sister in two days when I see them next and making the formal statements next week. I will def need to share here after that as my fears and thoughts have ben reeling on what may come from here. feel guilt, feel im betraying them but i know i need to do it so i dont kill myself or someone else. hard for me to humbly ask that i need your prayers so much right now. love to you. thanks.

GingerM

I'm not the praying type Utopia, but you have all the emotional support I can give you. You're very strong to have survived this far, you can make it through this as well.

Gin

DesertEyes

Hey there Utopia, we are all here for you. You are in my prayers every day, and I say your name when we all pray in a circle at my meets, so you have the prayers of hundreds of people in recovery all going up for you.

You come and share here all you want, that's what we are her for.

Mike

utopia

Thankyou so much for your loving support. I have really felt it. i havent heard from the legal guys yet but told my mum and sis. It didn't go as bad as I had feared. my sister got very defensive and angry at first but I think my reaction was different because I had no expectations of how they SHOULD have reacted. she actually ran back and embraced me and said if thats what i need to then fine. it all came down when my mum who was very quiet basically admitting seein the act but wouldnt call it "rape" too much for her maybe?? any way, it was when she said "well, everyone deserves the right to feel safe" all the tension ive been sharing the past several months, years torrented into wailing and tears on her shoulder. thank god she let me. I'm so surprised. the reaction 8 years ago was cold rejection or ambivalence (walking away immediately) from this. i cant help but think that my recovery has better helped me......this whole moment healed hurt feelings of rejection and abandonment that cut really deep and i have been crying a lot since then...but also a deeper sense of calm has taken place. i see my mum and sister with an enormous sense of appreciation and gratitude now. realising , really seeing the effects of alcoholism on all of us. while my sister cant acknowledge what happened, her returning to embrace me with tears in her eyes and then leaving again. oh my god. i cant describe how much that has fundamentally move me in my core of cores. when i left to go back to my place i turned and my mum was watching me from the back door and left the porch light on for me the whole way to the road.....she NEVER does that and the tears and eughhh!!! sort of emotional overflow for finally recognising that maybe they do love me after all. now that they see this part of me, see all of me, and still love me. in shock, in awe of how much closer i feel to people and to god and to love.

DesertEyes

Wow utopia, I am so moved and awed by what you wrote. I have no words to say how happy I am for you, and how grateful to God that your courage and your recovery has brought so much healing to you and your sister and your Mom.

You rock

Mike

GingerM

That was profoundly powerful just reading about it, Utopia. Wow. Just. Wow.

utopia

bless. still weepy today. giving my fam some space to absorb this change as i still blimmin wait. misplaced anger? yep, my rage against my dad is now coming up, in preparation it seems? i nearly released it when one of my work supervisors "had a go" at me. it was a petty office statement and yes probably i said something "offside" but when im dealing with things like this little office politics make me so angry and irate to the point of rage how important is it people? when did love and truth no longer matter? i feel like i need a new job or maybe now is not the best time :S. such a mixture of feeling blessed and thwarted right now. peace.

utopia

spent some time with my mum again and sohealing. its like a huge depressioni ve had allmy life is wiped. gone. its like my anger andresentment. my irritatible feelings are absolved. absorbed by love. phenomenalfeeling. just really realising we donthave forever and i appreciate what we dotogether. we just played scrabble and she madetea.i could have wept somuch because i saw now this remarkable woman who maybe wasnt living as i would but shewas living,and she was and is loving me, just because. powerful to finally get that because now i can show all ofme. parents please know that this disease does and will affect your children, the divorce, thetension. its there.....please know that they also feel the love and the recognition. nevertoo late....