utopia

Things are progressing now. I spoke to the Detective again and hes now going to start interviewing my family and yep, my dad, hes hoping to get it done before xmas 2008. then if he denies it (which i expect) then its the courts. . . wasnt till he lef tmy house, the feelings of what abouts to happen hit me and i had to spend the next few hours crying, singing gospel music to connect to the HP and sleeping...its hard to focus at work right now and not get into a fetal position and cry, i often feel i cant rely on anyone or anything but my HP. reading the lovign words here gives me a huge relief and strength. thanks.

Kallista

I've worked as a victim advocate. Please go to your town's rape crisis center and talk to someone. They can refer you to counseling and attorneys and go with you to talk to the police. They understand the process and can help you through it.

If you are in the US, you may be past the statute of limitations for bringing charges or a lawsuit. You are 24. In my state, the statute of limitations is 20 years after the victim turns 18 for some sex crimes against a minor and 1 year for other sex crimes against a minor. The statute of limitations for a civil lawsuit is 2 years after the minor's 18th birthday.

It will be different in every jurisdiction. You need to talk to a counselor, so that you are ready to present your case to the police and an attorney in a coherent, calm way. The less "crazy" you seem, the more willing they will be to listen to you.

Good luck.

utopia

thanks kallista. i currently see a psychologist and am glad to say in my country they have removed the statue some time ago. thanks for your help.

MelinaArt

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You didn't deserve any of it, and even the pain and misery you experience now is not your fault.

I was molested by my Alcoholic mother. She was a prostitute and forced me to watch disgusting sexual acts. If she was still alive and refusing to recover, I would press charges against her, no doubt.

I think it's good for you to follow what ever you feel in your heart is necessary for your recovery. Your father is a sick person, and should be in jail where he can get some help, and you can get some peace of mind.

I know you probably already know this, but putting your dad in jail and suing him for damages is not going to change what happened to you. It's a horrible reality to live with, one that we CAN heal from, but it's a part of our histories, and nothing changes that.

Be strong and know you're not alone. These horrible things happened to me, too. I'm so sorry that you went through what you did.

Take GOOD care of yourself and follow your heart.

In support,
Melina

utopia

he going to be arrested on the upcoming weekend . they interview my mum today but i think i must wait till works over before i call her...yesterday, i spoke to her and asked her for some details for the statement. i couldnt tell her much except that i love her very very much because i just really felt her actively listening to me when i spoke and shared some details i needed for the statement quite frankly....it breaks my heart because when i was a teen i was a grump to her esp after abusive access weekends with my dad. i see now that she loved us sooo soo much because she didnt know all that went on and i was blinded by the abuse that i was too hurt to even see that. the repressed memories keep getting clearer and more horrific but i have a strong unwavering faith in God and my HP that this is my time to speak the truth, to be heard and to make father responsible for his actions, i no longer feel i am betraying my family because where THE BETRAYAL began with him. he caused this whole process with his betrayal and so i am shedding the guilt at my mother and sister being through this as the ultimate betrayal did not begin with me but the recovery bloody damn will! peace

GiveLove

Peace and strength to you, utopia. You've been on one wild journey. Selfish me, I'm so glad it took you close to us.

fluer

Utopia,
I have just found this site and registered today. I am so glad I did. You are so brave. I am overwhelmed by your strength,courage, and heart. I feel so much less alone after reading what you have shared. Thank you so much for being you, and for continuing to walk in what you know is best for your healing!

utopia

progress....i got the call today that they arrested him and he is spending the weekend in the police jail cell...so many feelings flying through me,,,,just after meeting a beautiful partner a few months ago and coming into a new job this week that feels like a true God job this call arrived....almost expected and also not??.............what will happen? How will my family react? will they fulfill my fears and desert me, continue to dance away from the truth of this injustice.....if i had vengeance i would laugh but justice leaves me a calm and quiet storm inside......nothing left for my father, no love, no remorse, no hate, just a black emptiness to be left behind and to turn to the loving arms of God, of fellowship in the program, in the new people in my life that recovery work has made possible to find and foster loving relationships with. Thanks be to God for that grace............I pray for my father now, this is teaching him to be accountable for his actions, I pray for strength to do my part and if God can use this that He do so because I just cannot without Him, and I could NEVER do this without your support on this web forum, itt makes me cry and shudder with sobs because I know you care, because I dont know if my family really do. I have doubts. and that hurts.....THis will hurt me but this will pass.....God said He would never forsake me, nor leave me alone but I guess I didnt believe when I was a child so I struggle but thena gain, God gave us free will that was abused by my father and God /HP . I have dreams sometimes that God witnessed it all and has fostered in me thus a chance to get vengenace His way and then to help me move on.........I am sad today and a little unsure what I feel......................................I ultimately feel faith that things will will pass but that damn, what a sad state of affairs, just need to walk through this fire, cut my losses and drop this **** once and for all, because I can, because I'm still here, because unlike so many others, I didnt kill myself, I turned to God, to life and refused to let the crime destroy me, I cling to my right to live a full life of love, and to let there be a witness, that LIFE WILL GO ON and GOD WILL RECOVER MY LOVE OF LIFE FOR ME BECAUSE God is Good my friends and together, together, we can make it through anything life brings us. Peace be with us.

utopia

This is what I need right now, if you you tube "I surrender all faith hill" theres an oprah show recording which fills this need i had rightnow.


All to Jesus I surrender;
all to him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust him,
in his presence daily live.

All to Jesus I surrender;
humbly at his feet I bow,
worldly pleasures all forsaken;
take me, Jesus, take me now.

Hallelujah! I surrender all, I surrender all,
all to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
make me, Savior, wholly thine;
fill me with thy love and power;
truly know that thou art mine.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to thee;
fill me with thy love and power;
let thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender;
now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to his name!

DesertEyes

wow Utopia, you have a _lot_ going on right now !!

you just keep on posting here whatever feelings you have and we will listen. Just like you have listend to us.

You're strength, and faith thru this hardship is inspiring, utopia. I can see that once you are clear of that man you will be a wonderful example for other to follow.

Know that you are in my prayers every day, and that I look forward to your posts.

Mike

utopia

what the?

GiveLove

Equally mystified *shrug* But that post was from a year ago.
Oh well.

How are you doing these days, utopia? Was thinking about you this past week and wondered how all this was going.

utopia

Thanks everyone for all your support. Its been an exhausting and difficult time but also a very groundbreaking one for me and my recovery.

After lots of stuffing around and lodging a complaint to the relative authorities in my area I met with the prosecutor for my case. Ive been reading a lot about the legal system in Australia and very interesting as I had been so ignorant to it all.
this particular book "surviving the legal system" was a handbook written for dealing with sexual abuse proceedings in courtt and has helped me so much understand whats going on and why its taking so long, and what to expect...

i had an in detail interview where i had to go into graphic detail with the prosecution (represents the State) my detective and a social worker, after that ordeal which hit me a few days later, they want to now interview my sister, go through my medical history and then decide if theres a case, if there will be a trial or not.........even if there is im looking at late 2010.....!!!!

pretty gutted but these are the days of our freakin lives i guess, nothing i can do about it.

i was feeling very anew with details being lived out again, such a surreal exp. one where i felt a day of no fear, i was in a bus and didnt feel agitated, or nervy i was just sitting there, in a bus....reliving it in some ways is like being raped all over again and on a much deeper level being remembered andnt just the trauma but also the way it was handled and how manipulative it was....i also am disapointed in the legal system and remembering when my parents fought fo custody that a childrens lawyer and a child psychologist laughed in my face and told me "it couldnt possibly be that bad" when all i said was that Dad scared me, no wonder I shut down and that child abuse is so rampant.

but after it all, Im never letting go of the truth of what happened and feel good that I am doing everything in my power to do this, i also feel it is a quest for true justice that I would never have willed to do for myself but i know that once this hell is over my strength will be of use to all that is in need of such strength and that thru my surrender, my choice, my higher power and life I will be released from this pain and betrayal and cleared of guilt and shame over this injustice which has made me aware of the greater injustices of social awareness of child rape/abuse and the legal system.

i am so grateful for the friends around me and my beloved partner who are holding me through the crying and to all that god may be, and to all the poeple here, thanks

takincareome

Keep your chin up. I know you're in my thoughts and I suspect you're in the thoughts of many of us on here.

daydream

Hi utopia, I just found this thread. I admire your courage! I"m in the US and we have a statute of limitations on child abuse. I sure wish I had been emotionally able to do what you're doing before time ran out. But I am going through the process of confrontation now and the relief is tremendous! Good luck and hugs :-)

utopia

Angry. Sooo angry, dejected. Bleak world.

Justice and revenge.

Vengeance and justice.

Boundaries and self-respect, values and judgements.

Overwhelmed, judged and labelled, no longer can hold onto blame. I feel explosive when someone tells me to let go let god (ie, not take him to court because that is vengeance). Yes, lets just forget when people rape us, kill people, lets just “let go and let God” when people abuse other peoples rights, because they are family members so its all our fault isn’t it, its all the fault of the one who says “this is not ok”

NO NO NO. Im not sorry to say to those people you need to get your head checked because you are telling me to accept that what happened was acceptable and take no action about it , . **** no. Yes i want his blood to boil as my heart aches every day for release of blame and hate, i call out to the god of my understanding every day and yet I feel condemened by others for not thinking the way they do, and for not praying the way they do, oh im a fool am i??!! Thankyou O holy messiahs!!!!

For me, taking it to the law is letting go of what happened to me by doing ALL THAT I CAN CHANGE in the world. I don’t feel its fair, i don’t agree with it but i accept that it is what society deems is justice today......then i am also surrendering to life in that I feel I COULD transform the grief of this experience to be a tool for others who will continue to suffer this as i perceive that atrocities will always be in the world but our dealings with them COULD POSSIBLY be taken back into our own hands if we foster the strength in people who survive crime to overcome their victim status and become empowered.... because we COULD be restored to sanity despite our suffering, despite the crimes committed against the law that affect us personally, despite the personal sense of devaluation we feel is inflicted upon us,,, WE COULD BE RESTORED TO SANITY, WE JUST COME, WE JUST COME TO....WE COME TO BELEIVE THAT A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES COULD COULD COULD RESTORE US TO SANITY....LET THERE BE HOPE IN THE DARKEST AND MOST TRAGIC NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE WITH STEP 2.....thanks.

utopia

I work in a corporate office where people pester me to share my personal life and sem flustered and annoyed when I dont share deeply, they almost fired me for not "fitting in with the culture" and still talk about me behind my back as being private and stand offish. Well after another colleague emailed about a dead relative and thanked everyone for the $2 each funeral flowers (half of them care for sick relatives) I felt like writing this email but didnt as I have this crazy idea I want to be professional and leavemy private life, private.

Sorry for your loss, as we seem to be sharing the life stories of our tradgedies at work, Id like to thankyou all for pointing out Im not the happiest spark in the place. I have no excuse and apologise I don’t always ask how your day is going and respond with a bright and bubbly response first thing in the morning and periodically throughout the day when you ask how I'm doing or what I'm doing on the weekend or if it was fun!

My sister abandoned Xmas as I guess the memories of Dad raping her were all too much to see me. For the past 20 years she hasn’t trusted me because I couldn’t stop him as a child, unless he raped me or my mother instead.

It was a relief to have a weekend off work because I got to think about how she isn’t talking to me but my mother is at least. I guess my sister is reminded of seeing the other men rape her that were dads friends when she sees me. Waiting to hear from the police after taking dad to court has been trying but I still want my sister to remember that at least the other men are dead but I only saw them being murdered by my father so I can accept that.

So I am sad, yes, but also happy that at least my mother and my sisters partner can hold my sister and give her the comfort she needs while she cries a lot over what’s happening because she won’t see me.

Sorry if I’m not a bright ball of sunshine but here, I’m sharing my life and being a part of your work culture, go company. Yeah.. Thanks again for asking how I am and telling me I need to brighten up and come out of my shell. Silly, I was being such a sad sack huh? how am I? Well, how do you want me to be and Il say that so you're kinda more comfy around me and my attitude which doesnt fit into the "culture" zeig heil. God bless.

reverse

Hi Utopia,

I am new to this forum and have read bits and pieces of this thread since I joined. For starters, I have to say that my heart goes out to you for the suffering that you, your sister, and mother have been through. It truly is a travesty and you are more than entitled to your feelings--no matter how dark and painful.
I have no pretty words to share with you and to encourage you with. The only thing I can say is to be kind to yourself and remember that you are human--and its ok to be human and be angry. The hardships that I experienced and the pain that my family of origin has caused me---I will never forget....and its even harder to forget when they are still the same way 25 years later....still attempting to violate and disrespect me as a person simply b/c of who I am and what I will no longer tolerate.

But enough about me for now. The following pieces struck a chord with me also:

Yes...the classic "Let go and LET GOD" propaganda. No disrespect to those of whom this ideology is a success--but within the context of this situation--the statement is remarkably misplaced and unapplicable, i.e. gravely taken out of context. Sometimes people have good intentions of helping--but don't realize they are in no position to comment on ur situation...and/or they are only interested in promoting their own propaganda. Either way---in your case....countries have laws for a reason. Laws are placed to protect us from those who make the deliberate choice to violate another human being in one way shape or form. Laws are there so that a person does not continue to get away with their misdeeds and keep repeating the offense. Just to offer you a little bit of my perspective here: If I were ever CLOSE to being in the position that you have been forced into---I would never hesistate for a million years to take this person to court and let the courts deal with them. You never know if this person is still offending today. And in no way shape or form should you feel "Guilty" for asserting your rights and the fact that you were violated. Anyone who tells u this doesn't know what the hell they are talking about. Not only that---but a lot of people can preach this little house on the Jesus prairie stuff--when they've never once experienced an ounce of ur pain....and Jesus WOULD understand that! Sorry--but people are flippin idiots--drives me crazy when they use the whole---let go and let god crap in situations like this---as you said...should we let go and let god deal with people like Charles Manson too and just let him continue to offend? Nope. God gave us common sense, a moral sense, and an intelligence to prevent it from happening again. Religion should never "call us" to be a doormat. And if so---this is just a form of secondary wounding (the term quoted from a book I read a couple years ago called "Trust after Trauma"). I really wish people would INSTEAD judge the offender--NOT the OFFENDED aka...victim. Drives me crazy. I don't think they realize how damaging this can be to someone. It is a surefire way to p*ss someone off. I just want to say to them "are you done talking out of your arse?" LOL...for real...dang! I wish they wouldn't forget passages such as the following (this was pivotal in my recovery):

"The bruised reed he shall not break, and smoking flax he shall not quench, he shall bring forth judgement unto truth."- Isaiah 42:3

My unsolicited advice to you would be:
1. you have no reason to feel condemned and refrain from those who insist you should feel that way.
2. there is nothing wrong with having the thoughts you have b/c you are the one who was abused---those people WERE NOT.
3. who cares if you are not praying the way someone else thinks u should---in ur own time--in ur own space--in ur own need--between u and god. They are not to judge u for your level of prayer perfection--that is no ones job in my opinion.
4. Nope...ur not a fool. You are someone trying to heal and allow someone to live w/ the consequences of their behavior. I applaud u for having the couarge to face the situation head on. This must be very painful--but I also have an inclination to think that you would regret later on not taking this person to court---what they did was criminal. I get so sick of the people who continue to have pity and sympathy for the abuser and not the people who were abused. Drives me mad. SOOO Many people are too scared to do what you have done!

Therefore---hats off to you for taking a stand against those who think they are above the law and will get away w/ their henious acts.

And as far as ur workplace goes....i try to look at it this way for myself: I just do the best I can and keep it short. Honestly...there are a lot of folks I work w/ that I could care a less about sharing personal stories w/. Some I try to make small talk...but I'm tired of being judged by people. I open up to the people who I trust and feel comfortable w/....but work is work. I tend to think it is unwise to share things about me b/c that leaves me open for vulnerability and can cause me to lose focus if someone else brings it up. I don't want to think of my problems at work. And quite frankly, if folks were going thru the crap I'm going thru as of late---I highly doubt many of them would be as chipper.

Anyways...chow for now. Sorry for rambling.

utopia

thanks for that last post (and all posts). really helped me today reverse...i went to a male suriviors of sexual abuse workshop which was very healing....i have finally finalised the statement with the police and they are just finalising my mothers statement....they told me that because my doesnt remember it all happening in this country (was born overseas) but she does remember it happening in my birth country, the state wouldnt prosecute that......i told them i dont care and i know what i remember so theyre finalising their decision if there will BE a trial!!!

apparently there is a new law in my state that sexual offences must go to trial in 6 months after the decision has been made by the State to have a trial...if so there will be a jury and judge etc....so if there is it shouldnt be longer than 6-9 months im hoping if people do their jobs right because as i am often reminded noone is my lawyer...im just a witness for the State.

DesertEyes

Thinking and praying for you, Utopia. I think you have amazing courage and wonderful recovery to be going thru all this. I'm really glad you found a workshop that is helpful. I know the ones I went to were wonderfully helpful to me.

Keep us posted, k?

Mike