Jails, institutions and death--I made a big mistake
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
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Jails, institutions and death--I made a big mistake
I haven't posted in this forum for a long time, tho do have an active and current thread in the methadone forum. I debated where to post this but thought this forum seemed appropriate. You can check my other thread for other parts of this. (If you want.)
I've written about my issues with my old doc cutting me off with no notice and in an e-mail. I've said mistakes were made on both sides. I haven't had the heart or courage to talk about MY mistake but I'm going to now. We're only as sick as our secrets, right? Both Opiophobe's courage in writing what he wrote plus the ordeal I've endured today have inspired/impelled me to write my truth.
I'm afraid to for fear of people's responses and replies but I think I'm hitting my bottom(s) and so here I am.
To start at the beginning: this summer my panic, anxiety and depression all got dramatically worse. I was actively planning my suicide to the point where I told a friend my burial wishes and so on. I had still been on the same dose of methadone and very low dose of lorazepam for the past year. I also had a few small rx's for oxy to help with heavy labor (like 30 hours of weedeating tall grass where I live) which was with my old doctor's approval. She knows my story and prescribed my methadone.
I used the oxy both good and bad. It did save me days of bedridden pain and I got tons of work done. I also realized I still love it way too much and did misuse it, too. Like any good addict, I chose to ignore that part.
But the thing I did to get myself in trouble is this--I really wanted to end my pain, permanently, and having no dealer or access to one (guess I'm a pretty inept opiate addict, can't even find heroin) I faked a couple of prescriptions for oxy to take with my methadone to try and leave for good. Obviously I failed in my attempts because I'm still here.
And of course, I got caught. I should add that this made me remember doing the same thing at 18, then I called in fake benzo rx's to try to OD. This was over thirty years ago but some part of me remembered and tried again.
Anyway, because of a documented mistake the pharmacy made on a different rx, they and my doctor found out. I confesses everything. And of course my doctor had every right to dump me. But SHE chose not to. SHE chose to forgive me on the spot, to not prosecute, to continue to help me and be my doctor. She had known I was suicidal before this and I thought she cared a great deal for me based on what she repeatedly said. I believed her, well except I didn't see how she could forgive me. I was deeply sorry. I truly was NOT trying to harm anyone, just leave.
My doctor had some preconditions and that is where things started falling apart. She also went back on everything she said and furthered my mental chaos by cutting off the anxiety meds and getting more abusive in her behavior. Which worsened my PTSD and panic and depression. I acted from those places of fear and terror and she threw me out like garbage.
I also told my counselor who has stood by me and continues to try and help me. And I told new doctor who said she'd work with me but old doctor convinced her not to. Old doctor has talked about this, me, my chart WITHOUT my consent to other doctors. I know I did wrong but she is doing a lot of wrongs, too.
Sorry this is so long I'll try to speed up. So today I went to my arraignment for" tampering with drug records". Needless to say I was and am terrified. This is VERY unfamiliar territory to me. I nearly fainted when I got the letter, and I mean literally and I don't faint! It took a couple of months to receive the letter and in that time my counselor kept saying probably nothing would happen since so much time had elapsed. But we're a poor county with little funding and I was afraid, and right, that it was just taking time.
So today I applied for a court appointed lawyer and from there have to try to get this diverted to mental health or if not that then to drug court.
So I'm writing this tome to ask for advice, support, help, forgiveness. And to say to others like me who thought the whole" jails, institutions and death" thing doesn't apply to them. Even though this came through my mental health problems it's still tied up in my addiction too. And I'm realizing my addiction has been creeping back or never fully left or something. So while I ask for help, I hope this will help others, too.
Humbly, ashamedly, Lyoness
I've written about my issues with my old doc cutting me off with no notice and in an e-mail. I've said mistakes were made on both sides. I haven't had the heart or courage to talk about MY mistake but I'm going to now. We're only as sick as our secrets, right? Both Opiophobe's courage in writing what he wrote plus the ordeal I've endured today have inspired/impelled me to write my truth.
I'm afraid to for fear of people's responses and replies but I think I'm hitting my bottom(s) and so here I am.
To start at the beginning: this summer my panic, anxiety and depression all got dramatically worse. I was actively planning my suicide to the point where I told a friend my burial wishes and so on. I had still been on the same dose of methadone and very low dose of lorazepam for the past year. I also had a few small rx's for oxy to help with heavy labor (like 30 hours of weedeating tall grass where I live) which was with my old doctor's approval. She knows my story and prescribed my methadone.
I used the oxy both good and bad. It did save me days of bedridden pain and I got tons of work done. I also realized I still love it way too much and did misuse it, too. Like any good addict, I chose to ignore that part.
But the thing I did to get myself in trouble is this--I really wanted to end my pain, permanently, and having no dealer or access to one (guess I'm a pretty inept opiate addict, can't even find heroin) I faked a couple of prescriptions for oxy to take with my methadone to try and leave for good. Obviously I failed in my attempts because I'm still here.
And of course, I got caught. I should add that this made me remember doing the same thing at 18, then I called in fake benzo rx's to try to OD. This was over thirty years ago but some part of me remembered and tried again.
Anyway, because of a documented mistake the pharmacy made on a different rx, they and my doctor found out. I confesses everything. And of course my doctor had every right to dump me. But SHE chose not to. SHE chose to forgive me on the spot, to not prosecute, to continue to help me and be my doctor. She had known I was suicidal before this and I thought she cared a great deal for me based on what she repeatedly said. I believed her, well except I didn't see how she could forgive me. I was deeply sorry. I truly was NOT trying to harm anyone, just leave.
My doctor had some preconditions and that is where things started falling apart. She also went back on everything she said and furthered my mental chaos by cutting off the anxiety meds and getting more abusive in her behavior. Which worsened my PTSD and panic and depression. I acted from those places of fear and terror and she threw me out like garbage.
I also told my counselor who has stood by me and continues to try and help me. And I told new doctor who said she'd work with me but old doctor convinced her not to. Old doctor has talked about this, me, my chart WITHOUT my consent to other doctors. I know I did wrong but she is doing a lot of wrongs, too.
Sorry this is so long I'll try to speed up. So today I went to my arraignment for" tampering with drug records". Needless to say I was and am terrified. This is VERY unfamiliar territory to me. I nearly fainted when I got the letter, and I mean literally and I don't faint! It took a couple of months to receive the letter and in that time my counselor kept saying probably nothing would happen since so much time had elapsed. But we're a poor county with little funding and I was afraid, and right, that it was just taking time.
So today I applied for a court appointed lawyer and from there have to try to get this diverted to mental health or if not that then to drug court.
So I'm writing this tome to ask for advice, support, help, forgiveness. And to say to others like me who thought the whole" jails, institutions and death" thing doesn't apply to them. Even though this came through my mental health problems it's still tied up in my addiction too. And I'm realizing my addiction has been creeping back or never fully left or something. So while I ask for help, I hope this will help others, too.
Humbly, ashamedly, Lyoness
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Lyoness 
I'm glad you got that weight off your shoulders. We've all acted far below what we're capable of in active addiction.
I don't know anything about the court or the health system there in the US, but I wish you the best for a good outcome.
Hopefully others will have more local knowledge
D
I'm glad you got that weight off your shoulders. We've all acted far below what we're capable of in active addiction.
I don't know anything about the court or the health system there in the US, but I wish you the best for a good outcome.
Hopefully others will have more local knowledge
D
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Thank you, Dee. I am hoping for mercy, too. I can't say for sure I was in active addiction because my goal and plan were to OD and check out for good. On the other hand I can't not say it is active addiction either. Its truly that term" dual diagnosis"at play here.
It really does a number on you to be a" criminal"--it's messing with my mind something fierce. I guess because my intention was never to harm anyone but instead to stop the ongoing pain and harm of my life. And in that I do see the slide back into active addiction happening very easily.
It really does a number on you to be a" criminal"--it's messing with my mind something fierce. I guess because my intention was never to harm anyone but instead to stop the ongoing pain and harm of my life. And in that I do see the slide back into active addiction happening very easily.
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
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Thank you soberwolf! I feel so afraid and so ashamed. I didn't expect to have "consequences" because I didn't expect to be here. That's a hard thing to write and admit. My mental health issues are so huge and have been steadily worsening to this point. Now I have to face what I've done and I'm terrified. Another trauma to add to the list.
And my ex-doc is sabotaging me, going out of her way to punish me. Some would say she has the right but she always presented herself as WAY above it all spiritually so it's shocking to see and experience how base her behavior has become. My first mistake was choosing her for a doc. I had reservations and doubts and should have listened to myself more carefully.
I was just feeling tangled in fear as I walked home and then looked and saw a huge rainbow arched over the hills and trees, I am deciding to take it as a positive sign that things will work out, at least I hope so.
And my ex-doc is sabotaging me, going out of her way to punish me. Some would say she has the right but she always presented herself as WAY above it all spiritually so it's shocking to see and experience how base her behavior has become. My first mistake was choosing her for a doc. I had reservations and doubts and should have listened to myself more carefully.
I was just feeling tangled in fear as I walked home and then looked and saw a huge rainbow arched over the hills and trees, I am deciding to take it as a positive sign that things will work out, at least I hope so.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Lyoness, I'm so glad you decided to talk about what's going on. You're among friends here - no need to feel ashamed with us. 
Alcohol turned me into someone I didn't even recognize. I did out-of-character things when I was at my worst - even criminal things. That behavior bears no resemblance to the person I actually am. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Thankfully you are still here with us and can turn this thing around. We know you will.
Alcohol turned me into someone I didn't even recognize. I did out-of-character things when I was at my worst - even criminal things. That behavior bears no resemblance to the person I actually am. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Thankfully you are still here with us and can turn this thing around. We know you will.
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Hevyn 
Lyoness, I'm so glad you decided to talk about what's going on. You're among friends here - no need to feel ashamed with us.
"
"
It took me a long time to post this because I was so afraid and so ashamed. I really messed up royally and am just so scared. It's so overwhelming and plain terrifying to think about what might happen to me. I've been fortunate enough to escape this kind if thing in my addiction and mental illness so I have no experience, no knowledge, nothing but fear and a mind that lives in the worst case scenario on a good day. And needless to say these haven't been good days...
I just keep thinking how this didn't have to happen. This whole chain of events that could have prevented it. I only got caught because the pharmacy made a mistake on another rx which drew their and my doctor's attention to what I had done. If not for that...obviously I realize if not for having done it in the first place...but when you're that kind of depressed this is your "best thinking" as they say. Add in addiction and, well, here I am.
I would really like to hear about anyone's experiences with things like this. I don't know what happens next or what I should do. I'm hoping that because I have no history that I can do something to clear this without jail. With my past of torture/ritual abuse I could not survive it. I know they have drug court here, maybe I could do that. Or is there a mental health court? But if you don't get "cured" do they keep punishing you? I've been depressed my whole life starting in childhood and had other mental illnesses for over 30 years. Legal punishment won't cure me if years of therapy and medication haven't. You can see why I'm terrified.
In any case, I really appreciate the words of support so much.
Last edited by Lyoness; 10-17-2015 at 10:18 PM. Reason: spelling
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hello Lyoness! Here you are! In a pickle!
I've been in your shoes! Yes I got caught writing in the blank refill section for refills! This was back in 1985 when things weren't done by computer!
If you aren't sitting in jail right now? Which you aren't! Then you'll probably get probation! You'll go before a judge to plead your case. Or the Attorney will do it for you! You'll have court charges and then start paying to see a Probation Officer each month! You'll be required to do drug testing at the PO visits too! The PO will probably also visit your home! If you can't afford to pay the full charges? You'll be set up on a payment plan!
There is WAY more to my story, but what I've told you is pretty much the jest of what's going to happen! Jails are too full right now to put ppl in jail that aren't criminals! Jails also don't want ppl with mental issues in them either!
Like Hevyn said: "We aren't ourselves when our DOC is running thru our veins!" I damn sure have done some criminal things besides the part I talked about above! I've seen the insides of jail a few times! When I read stories like yours? It's a reminder why I need to stay away from the opiates!
Just be honest with the Attorney! Don't paint a pretty picture for him/her! Tell the truth how it all came about! The Attorney is the one that's going to be pulling on the Judge's ear to get you out of this mess! You might even get some free mental health out of this situation!
I'm truly happy you didn't succeed with the plans you set out to do! Suicide is never the answer to problems! You've got ppl here that care about you and don't want to hear you took yourself out!
You did the right thing posting your fears here!
TOD
In a pickle! I've been in your shoes! Yes I got caught writing in the blank refill section for refills! This was back in 1985 when things weren't done by computer!
If you aren't sitting in jail right now? Which you aren't! Then you'll probably get probation! You'll go before a judge to plead your case. Or the Attorney will do it for you! You'll have court charges and then start paying to see a Probation Officer each month! You'll be required to do drug testing at the PO visits too! The PO will probably also visit your home! If you can't afford to pay the full charges? You'll be set up on a payment plan!
There is WAY more to my story, but what I've told you is pretty much the jest of what's going to happen! Jails are too full right now to put ppl in jail that aren't criminals! Jails also don't want ppl with mental issues in them either!
Like Hevyn said: "We aren't ourselves when our DOC is running thru our veins!" I damn sure have done some criminal things besides the part I talked about above! I've seen the insides of jail a few times! When I read stories like yours? It's a reminder why I need to stay away from the opiates!
Just be honest with the Attorney! Don't paint a pretty picture for him/her! Tell the truth how it all came about! The Attorney is the one that's going to be pulling on the Judge's ear to get you out of this mess! You might even get some free mental health out of this situation!
I'm truly happy you didn't succeed with the plans you set out to do! Suicide is never the answer to problems! You've got ppl here that care about you and don't want to hear you took yourself out!
You did the right thing posting your fears here!
TOD
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 357
Oh Lyoness. I am so glad to hear that you are still with us. It could have been very different. I so feel your pain. But suicide is no solution.
I don't know what the answer is, but it seems it is not doctors. I sometimes think they play God and then when they cannot handle it they turn into something different.
I too am still on the rollercoaster with you. I will find my peace and so will you. We just need to get off the merry go round for now.
I know it is not that simple, but you do have a lot of people in your corner and although these may not be in the medical profession that may not be a bad thing.
I don't have the answers, but I know one thing for sure. You are a strong, intelligent and beautiful person who does not deserve this suffering you are going through.
Here is a massive hug from one dear friend to another
I don't know what the answer is, but it seems it is not doctors. I sometimes think they play God and then when they cannot handle it they turn into something different.
I too am still on the rollercoaster with you. I will find my peace and so will you. We just need to get off the merry go round for now.
I know it is not that simple, but you do have a lot of people in your corner and although these may not be in the medical profession that may not be a bad thing.
I don't have the answers, but I know one thing for sure. You are a strong, intelligent and beautiful person who does not deserve this suffering you are going through.
Here is a massive hug from one dear friend to another
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Lyoness, thank you for your post. I don't know you from this site although we came here at about the same time.
All of us here have or have had problems -- not exactly like yours, but bad. I can get crazy to the point of being suicidal, and I'm a drunk, and I've been an addict. Jails, institutions, and death are things I've dodged, not unlikely destinations for me.
So you have all my sympathy, and I don't judge. I don't know what you're up against in the court system, but I expect it will just be a very long process that won't end up in any jail time -- I agree w/Startingover that jail time doesn't sound likely.
Do you have a doctor now? It seems to me that the most important thing you can do is get a good doctor who'll be aware of your drug issues and who can treat your mental health problems effectively.
I'm glad you're here & posting! Let us know how you're doing !
All of us here have or have had problems -- not exactly like yours, but bad. I can get crazy to the point of being suicidal, and I'm a drunk, and I've been an addict. Jails, institutions, and death are things I've dodged, not unlikely destinations for me.
So you have all my sympathy, and I don't judge. I don't know what you're up against in the court system, but I expect it will just be a very long process that won't end up in any jail time -- I agree w/Startingover that jail time doesn't sound likely.
Do you have a doctor now? It seems to me that the most important thing you can do is get a good doctor who'll be aware of your drug issues and who can treat your mental health problems effectively.
I'm glad you're here & posting! Let us know how you're doing !
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Thank you all for replying! TOD, startingover, courage2, it means so much. I have been having a rough day, trying not to drown in my fears. Having someone else have control or say over my body or life is one of my greatest terrors after the childhood I endured. And here I am again! How did this happen, why, why did I f*** myself over this way?
I'm so scared and that's why your replies mean so very much to me. I hide when I'm scared, depressed, mentally messed up. And I feel all alone and believe I am all alone too. I just never can believe I have the worth or value to mean anything to anyone. One of the deepest bits of programming in my brain that is hardest to dislodge.
I guess one thing I'm realizing in my life right now is that things are changing a lot and I have to figure out if I can change along with them. Because I'm pretty sure if I don't I will die, one way or another.
I want to respond to each of you but these tiny keys on this tiny screen are hard to see through my tears. So I'll just end for now by saying thank you all so much. You've reached out and touched my ragged soul (hence the tears) and it means so much...
I'm so scared and that's why your replies mean so very much to me. I hide when I'm scared, depressed, mentally messed up. And I feel all alone and believe I am all alone too. I just never can believe I have the worth or value to mean anything to anyone. One of the deepest bits of programming in my brain that is hardest to dislodge.
I guess one thing I'm realizing in my life right now is that things are changing a lot and I have to figure out if I can change along with them. Because I'm pretty sure if I don't I will die, one way or another.
I want to respond to each of you but these tiny keys on this tiny screen are hard to see through my tears. So I'll just end for now by saying thank you all so much. You've reached out and touched my ragged soul (hence the tears) and it means so much...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Lyoness
And to say to others like me who thought the whole" jails, institutions and death" thing doesn't apply to them.
I have done them all except for the death thing.
Seen enough others die drunk to believe that also.
MM
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Tiredofdrugs
Hello Lyoness! Here you are! In a pickle!
I've been in your shoes! Yes I got caught writing in the blank refill section for refills! This was back in 1985 when things weren't done by computer!
If you aren't sitting in jail right now? Which you aren't! Then you'll probably get probation! You'll go before a judge to plead your case. Or the Attorney will do it for you! You'll have court charges and then start paying to see a Probation Officer each month! You'll be required to do drug testing at the PO visits too! The PO will probably also visit your home! If you can't afford to pay the full charges? You'll be set up on a payment plan!
There is WAY more to my story, but what I've told you is pretty much the jest of what's going to happen! Jails are too full right now to put ppl in jail that aren't criminals! Jails also don't want ppl with mental issues in them either!
Like Hevyn said: "We aren't ourselves when our DO)C is running thru our veins!" I damn sure have done some criminal things besides the part I talked about above! I've seen the insides of jail a few times! When I read stories like yours? It's a reminder why I need to stay away from the opiates!
Just be honest with the Attorney! Don't paint a pretty picture for him/her! Tell the truth how it all came about! The Attorney is the one that's going to be pulling on the Judge's ear to get you out of this mess! You might even get some free mental health out of this situation!
I'm truly happy you didn't succeed with the plans you set out to do! Suicide is never the answer to problems! You've got ppl here that care about you and don't want to hear you took yourself out!
You did the right thing posting your fears here!
TOD
In a pickle! I've been in your shoes! Yes I got caught writing in the blank refill section for refills! This was back in 1985 when things weren't done by computer!
If you aren't sitting in jail right now? Which you aren't! Then you'll probably get probation! You'll go before a judge to plead your case. Or the Attorney will do it for you! You'll have court charges and then start paying to see a Probation Officer each month! You'll be required to do drug testing at the PO visits too! The PO will probably also visit your home! If you can't afford to pay the full charges? You'll be set up on a payment plan!
There is WAY more to my story, but what I've told you is pretty much the jest of what's going to happen! Jails are too full right now to put ppl in jail that aren't criminals! Jails also don't want ppl with mental issues in them either!
Like Hevyn said: "We aren't ourselves when our DO)C is running thru our veins!" I damn sure have done some criminal things besides the part I talked about above! I've seen the insides of jail a few times! When I read stories like yours? It's a reminder why I need to stay away from the opiates!
Just be honest with the Attorney! Don't paint a pretty picture for him/her! Tell the truth how it all came about! The Attorney is the one that's going to be pulling on the Judge's ear to get you out of this mess! You might even get some free mental health out of this situation!
I'm truly happy you didn't succeed with the plans you set out to do! Suicide is never the answer to problems! You've got ppl here that care about you and don't want to hear you took yourself out!
You did the right thing posting your fears here!
TOD
I appreciate your advice and am planning to tell the lawyer everything. I hope because this is my only offense that they will be merciful. I am punishing myself more than enough right now.
If you don't mind saying, was your charge dismissed? Can that even happen? I'm hoping to not lose permanent rights because of one mistake.
I'm trying really hard to face up to this and deal with it. I'm also trying to not slip back into the same place I got to this summer. It can hit out of the blue and this is a huge trigger for my depression and anxiety. But I am trying, I am reaching out. And having responses like yours truly helps.
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Startingover444
Oh Lyoness. I am so glad to hear that you are still with us. It could have been very different. I so feel your pain. But suicide is no solution.
I don't know what the answer is, but it seems it is not doctors. I sometimes think they play God and then when they cannot handle it they turn into something different.
I too am still on the rollercoaster with you. I will find my peace and so will you. We just need to get off the merry go round for now.
I know it is not that simple, but you do have a lot of people in your corner and although these may not be in the medical profession that may not be a bad thing.
I don't have the answers, but I know one thing for sure. You are a strong, intelligent and beautiful person who does not deserve this suffering you are going through.
Here is a massive hug from one dear friend to another
I don't know what the answer is, but it seems it is not doctors. I sometimes think they play God and then when they cannot handle it they turn into something different.
I too am still on the rollercoaster with you. I will find my peace and so will you. We just need to get off the merry go round for now.
I know it is not that simple, but you do have a lot of people in your corner and although these may not be in the medical profession that may not be a bad thing.
I don't have the answers, but I know one thing for sure. You are a strong, intelligent and beautiful person who does not deserve this suffering you are going through.
Here is a massive hug from one dear friend to another
I think you are right about how it can be with doctors. Maybe even when they don't think they're doing it--and we don't see it either--they get caught up in being or feeling all powerful. I really liked my doctor in so many ways but there were things that were red flags or at least caught my attention that I should have paid more attention to. But after a point it felt too late to do anything but keep seeing her. I didn't want to be in the mess I'm in now. But I never thought she'd do the things she's been doing. More than anything I'm heartbroken that someone I trusted with my very life could behave the ways she is.
The thing is, I do still need a doctor for many things.
But this whole mess is making me question everything, including staying on methadone. I've been afraid to go off of it for a lot of reasons but I'm looking at those a lot harder now. I guess my biggest fears have been losing that "security blanket" and fear of getting massively depressed off the opiates. But obviously I'm being severely depressed even on them so it's time to rethink this. I also don't want to relapse but there again, I'm not doing so well.
I have to figure out how to get out of this hole I've been sliding into for a long time.
Thank you so much for such kind words, they really help. You have a big heart and I send a big hug right back to you.
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by courage2
Lyoness, thank you for your post. I don't know you from this site although we came here at about the same time.
All of us here have or have had problems -- not exactly like yours, but bad. I can get crazy to the point of being suicidal, and I'm a drunk, and I've been an addict. Jails, institutions, and death are things I've dodged, not unlikely destinations for me.
So you have all my sympathy, and I don't judge. I don't know what you're up against in the court system, but I expect it will just be a very long process that won't end up in any jail time -- I agree w/Startingover that jail time doesn't sound likely.
Do you have a doctor now? It seems to me that the most important thing you can do is get a good doctor who'll be aware of your drug issues and who can treat your mental health problems effectively.
I'm glad you're here & posting! Let us know how you're doing !
All of us here have or have had problems -- not exactly like yours, but bad. I can get crazy to the point of being suicidal, and I'm a drunk, and I've been an addict. Jails, institutions, and death are things I've dodged, not unlikely destinations for me.
So you have all my sympathy, and I don't judge. I don't know what you're up against in the court system, but I expect it will just be a very long process that won't end up in any jail time -- I agree w/Startingover that jail time doesn't sound likely.
Do you have a doctor now? It seems to me that the most important thing you can do is get a good doctor who'll be aware of your drug issues and who can treat your mental health problems effectively.
I'm glad you're here & posting! Let us know how you're doing !
I am looking for a doctor with my counsel's help. I did see a psychiatrist that my ex doc referred me to (it took months to get in) and she was okay I guess. I'm honestly afraid to trust anyone after two docs have dumped me. She prescribed an antidepressant which I have wanted to avoid but am rethinking. The one she gave me makes me feel like my head is a detached balloon tho so I need something different. I worry as much about getting hooked on them as any other drug too.
I am finding the support I'm getting here to be the best medicine. I guess I had to go away to realize that. I really appreciate and need the kindness and support you all are giving me. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 357
I don't think that antidepressants are the worst thing you can have. Yes you may need to try a few before you get the right one. But they do seem to help me. Also when the docs are prescribing things like ADs or medicines to treat physical illnesses they can be useful.
I think the worst thing we can do is put all our trust in one person or one med to sort out all our problems. Like putting all eggs in one basket We need to create a whole load of security blankets so if one doesn't work we have others to fall back on?
I do hope you are feeling brighter today and even if you are not, that you realise you are so not alone in all of this
I think the worst thing we can do is put all our trust in one person or one med to sort out all our problems. Like putting all eggs in one basket We need to create a whole load of security blankets so if one doesn't work we have others to fall back on?
I do hope you are feeling brighter today and even if you are not, that you realise you are so not alone in all of this
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Lyoness! Most legal systems are only concerned about one thing! Money! Since this is your first offense with the Legal system? You'll more than likely get what I referenced above in my first post! You can ask your Attorney what will likely happen in your case also!
The pharmacy is the one that called the police and made a report on my case. After turning myself in, doing the report, being booked, spending several hours in jail then being released on my own recognisance? I went the next day for a 30 day stay in a rehab facility! My Attorney let the Judge know I was in treatment and for how long.
When I got out of treatment my Attorney set a court date for me. I went before the Judge and was sentenced to probation. I started seeing my PO once a month. Now this is where it gets tricky in my situation!
The PO I was seeing was a nice guy! He found out I had a Rottweiler! A woman from the neighborhood knew I had him and wanted to use him as a Stud Dog! The female Rottweiler got pregnant. My PO wanted to buy a puppy from her! I was going to get the pick of the litter to keep for Stud service fees! My PO wanted a female puppy. For whatever reason? The Rotty only had one puppy and it was a female! She was mine! So I sold the puppy to my PO and he waived the rest of my fees to see him for payment of the puppy!
Not long after this transaction! My ARNG Unit was activated for Desert Storm. I went back before the Judge and he released me from my sentence to go fight for the USA! I'm sure I still have a record out there. I've never checked to see! Although nothing showed up years later when I left the WI Guard and got back in the AR Guard again.
While in WI I screwed up again. I found an older couple that had tons of pain meds in their house. I was taking them and leaving. They got wise to it and turned me in. A police officer came to the house and I owned up to it. Again I was assigned a PO. Only this one was a B'ch of a female. I got out of seeing her due to my father's health was failing and I needed to move back home to AR. I was released from my sentence again! But I wasn't so lucky this go round. I was Honorably Discharged from the ARNG. Thankfully the code used for my discharge allowed me to get back in with the AR ARNG! I managed to get 23 years in total before I was medically discharged.
I honestly have to say: "My Guardian Angel(s) have worked hard for me!"
Now you and many others know my sordid detailed life!
This is why I don't think you'll spend time in jail! You'll be out of pocket on money! But HEY? It beats the heck out of spending time in jail. Plus you've learned a valuable lesson! Try not to worry yourself sick over all this! You're still above ground! You've had many respond to you here on SR too! You aren't the only one that's F'ed up either! A little hint for doctor's you see? Set your phone to record y'all's sessions! I used to do it! Record your visit with the Attorney also. That way you can sit down at home and listen to what was said when you aren't so nervous! I put my phone in an outter pocket of my purse facing whoever I was recording!
You'll be okay! Just keep thinking it! Remember there's ppl in WAY worse situations than your's!
TOD
The pharmacy is the one that called the police and made a report on my case. After turning myself in, doing the report, being booked, spending several hours in jail then being released on my own recognisance? I went the next day for a 30 day stay in a rehab facility! My Attorney let the Judge know I was in treatment and for how long.
When I got out of treatment my Attorney set a court date for me. I went before the Judge and was sentenced to probation. I started seeing my PO once a month. Now this is where it gets tricky in my situation!
The PO I was seeing was a nice guy! He found out I had a Rottweiler! A woman from the neighborhood knew I had him and wanted to use him as a Stud Dog! The female Rottweiler got pregnant. My PO wanted to buy a puppy from her! I was going to get the pick of the litter to keep for Stud service fees! My PO wanted a female puppy. For whatever reason? The Rotty only had one puppy and it was a female! She was mine! So I sold the puppy to my PO and he waived the rest of my fees to see him for payment of the puppy!
Not long after this transaction! My ARNG Unit was activated for Desert Storm. I went back before the Judge and he released me from my sentence to go fight for the USA! I'm sure I still have a record out there. I've never checked to see! Although nothing showed up years later when I left the WI Guard and got back in the AR Guard again.
While in WI I screwed up again. I found an older couple that had tons of pain meds in their house. I was taking them and leaving. They got wise to it and turned me in. A police officer came to the house and I owned up to it. Again I was assigned a PO. Only this one was a B'ch of a female. I got out of seeing her due to my father's health was failing and I needed to move back home to AR. I was released from my sentence again! But I wasn't so lucky this go round. I was Honorably Discharged from the ARNG. Thankfully the code used for my discharge allowed me to get back in with the AR ARNG! I managed to get 23 years in total before I was medically discharged.
I honestly have to say: "My Guardian Angel(s) have worked hard for me!"
Now you and many others know my sordid detailed life!
This is why I don't think you'll spend time in jail! You'll be out of pocket on money! But HEY? It beats the heck out of spending time in jail. Plus you've learned a valuable lesson! Try not to worry yourself sick over all this! You're still above ground! You've had many respond to you here on SR too! You aren't the only one that's F'ed up either! A little hint for doctor's you see? Set your phone to record y'all's sessions! I used to do it! Record your visit with the Attorney also. That way you can sit down at home and listen to what was said when you aren't so nervous! I put my phone in an outter pocket of my purse facing whoever I was recording!
You'll be okay! Just keep thinking it! Remember there's ppl in WAY worse situations than your's!
TOD
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Quote: I've been taking methadone and very low dose of lorazepam for the past year. I also had a few small rx's for oxy to help with heavy labor
Reading those two sentences is like reading a truly chaotic way to be living!
I was prescribed methadone years ago. It made me have a tremendous panic attack one day! I have Lorazepam to use only at dentist appointments. I hate them and as soon as I leave the dentist office they knock me out cold!
Then using Oxy's on top of those two? Geeeezzzzz I really have to question exactly what your doctor was thinking when she/he prescribed those three combinations? I can honestly see how you were mentally losing it!
I'm really sorry you got put into a situation like that! I personally only trust doctor's so far! They don't know me personally or what combined medicines do to me! When I found myself begging for Estrogen tablets right after a complete hysterectomy was just ludicrous in my mind! Actually it was for a refill on them, not a new script!
I know you're a smart gal and well educated! Please be careful with what you are taking! We've spent too many hours talking for me not to know this!
TOD
Reading those two sentences is like reading a truly chaotic way to be living!
I was prescribed methadone years ago. It made me have a tremendous panic attack one day! I have Lorazepam to use only at dentist appointments. I hate them and as soon as I leave the dentist office they knock me out cold!
Then using Oxy's on top of those two? Geeeezzzzz I really have to question exactly what your doctor was thinking when she/he prescribed those three combinations? I can honestly see how you were mentally losing it!
I'm really sorry you got put into a situation like that! I personally only trust doctor's so far! They don't know me personally or what combined medicines do to me! When I found myself begging for Estrogen tablets right after a complete hysterectomy was just ludicrous in my mind! Actually it was for a refill on them, not a new script!
I know you're a smart gal and well educated! Please be careful with what you are taking!
We've spent too many hours talking for me not to know this!TOD
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Startingover444
I don't think that antidepressants are the worst thing you can have. Yes you may need to try a few before you get the right one. But they do seem to help me. Also when the docs are prescribing things like ADs or medicines to treat physical illnesses they can be useful.
I think the worst thing we can do is put all our trust in one person or one med to sort out all our problems. Like putting all eggs in one basket We need to create a whole load of security blankets so if one doesn't work we have others to fall back on?
I do hope you are feeling brighter today and even if you are not, that you realise you are so not alone in all of this
I think the worst thing we can do is put all our trust in one person or one med to sort out all our problems. Like putting all eggs in one basket We need to create a whole load of security blankets so if one doesn't work we have others to fall back on?
I do hope you are feeling brighter today and even if you are not, that you realise you are so not alone in all of this
I think you're right about this, I do tend to put all my eggs in one basket. I am not sure why I am this way but it seems to be a recurring theme. And then the person I trusted turns on me, like this doctor did. I mean I understand her being upset, hurt, resentful, but she told me she was none of those things, totally forgave me, and would be by my side. She also had told me so many times that she would never abandon me (as that's one of my core issues/wounds).
So while I understand her being upset, I can't understand her just going completely 180 on me and going against basically everything she's ever said. I'm terrified of what she'll say against me to the DA. She's already keeping me from having a doctor so far...
I guess it's just so hard for me to trust that when I decide to I go too far and put it all in one or two people. And I don't always listen to inner warnings like I should.
I'm feeling kind of middling today. Scared, out of it, freaked out but also trying to do things to make my life better. I'm afraid I have yet another staph infection (I've had three or four in the past three or four months) which sucks. I guess I either have it systemically or I am just so stressed out that I am being vulnerable to it and my immune system is not doing what it should. So that's bumming me out.
I feel like I have so much I have to figure out right now and that is making things difficult. I need to finish my move, unpack, find a doctor before the methadone runs out, see the lawyer and deal with this whole situation, fight another staph infection, and not sink into deep depression again. It's a pretty heavy load and sometimes I don't feel up to it. But it helps a lot to know people here are pulling for me. It helps so much.
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