GS123

I have been reading your threads for months lyoness and I have never responded to you but I wanted to let you know that you have not always made the right decisions and god knows I have done as bad or worse but the strength you show by posting here and bearing your soul to the world is something remarkable. You are a much stronger woman than you know.

GS123

One more thing. When I was younger I got arrested a few times, nothing major, pot and worst was a dui but I can tell you after each time for months I felt like I ruined my life and the world was going to end because of my bad decisions I could spend hours writing about how worthless I felt but every single time I made it through it and a few months after court things were fine, I paid the piper so to speak but it was no where near as bad as I spent months thinking it would be. Stay strong, your worth it.

Lyoness

Thank you so much for your words of support and your experience, strength and hope as they say, GS123. Legal issues, court, jail have always terrified me, I guess that fear of utter powerlessness. But as I'm going through it, and finding support along the way (like from SR ) I am learning to be a little less afraid. It helps that I like my lawyer (he's even a Dr. Who fan too) and he explains things to me.

I'm feeling a little more apprehensive about my next court date because that's the sentencing. When I finally choose and know exactly what I'm facing. I've been putting off thinking about it for a couple of weeks but it's time now to decide which way to go.

It helps to hear from people like you who share your experiences. Helps remember I can and will survive this. I've gotten through my court appearances by drawing on the strength and support I've gotten from people at SR.

Lyoness

Feeling a bit wrung out today. Could be from not sleeping as well and waking to a nightmare, or the recent dose drop in my taper (down 15%) or starting to be active after a winter of doing almost nothing but sitting. Probably a combination. I'm trying to pay more attention to how and what things are affecting me so I can work with them. I'm seeing how my new dose in my taper does affect me. Its been awhile since a drop in dosage. If I can pay attention now it will hopefully help me adapt and be ready as I go lower and lower and off the methadone. I do want to succeed.

On the positive side, the sun is out again! I can't remember the last time we had two sunny days in a row. November? October? It feels great. And it's higher in the sky, brighter and warmer. I forgot that sometimes we get a sunny spell in February, it's like our reward for surviving a long, dark and grim winter. The sun acts like an antidepressant for me at this time of year. Plus I saw a bee and a bumblebee, sure signs of spring to come. That helps too.

I wish I could share this bright sunny day with everyone who needs it. I think we could all use the brightness and hope.

Fabat50

Funny you should say that Lyoness. We too finally had a sunny day today and I had the most beautiful butterfly in my garden this afternoon and I was mesmorised. The sun is certainly a mood changer.

What is the schedule for your taper? You are down 15 percent... well done... how will the future pan out in terms of reduction (ideally)? Do you have a D day date that you are aiming for?

Have a good day.

kzaug2014

Hi Lyoness, I haven't been on the substance abuse forum lately, so I just wanted to pop in and say hello & big (( Hugs ))

Lyoness

It's good to hear from you! I've missed seeing you in this forum but knew you were where you needed to be. Hope you are doing well.

Lyoness

I guess it was sunshine day yesterday, someone else said they had sunshine too. I also saw a butterfly and it was such a gift. So beautiful and hopeful.

As far as my taper, I'm trying to find out what is the best way to go. I've gotten some good, helpful advice on my methadone taper thread and I've been researching, trying to find solid medical and experiental information. I'm getting the sense that maybe my jumps are or will be too big if I keep at this rate. Next jump would be closer to 20% and that may be too much.

I'm staying at new dose for a month though and it might be better to do smaller dosage drops but then I could make them more frequent. I'm still trying to learn and figure out.

I'd like to be able to finish by or in summer if possible. That sounds like a long time and yet a short time too. I just want to have as much support in place as I can and also feel it would be better to go through any acute withdrawal during warmer, lighter weather.

I really want this to be successful. My two biggest fears are relapse and sudden, worsening depression. They seem to be the most common negative outcomes. So going slowly enough allows me more time to get myself better, get a better support structure in place so I have a higher chance of succeeding.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow so I'm going to ask her ideas on this, about my antidepressants, etc.

I was thinking yesterday how long I've been on opiates and it's a long time. Not so long at the crazy high doses, but daily for over ten years and sporadically for five or so years before that. That's a LONG time, so it's going to be a big adjustment no matter what.

Thanks for asking because it's helped me do some serious thinking.

Soberwolf

Hi Lyoness

Lyoness

Hey, Soberwolf. That's an adorable picture!

Lyoness

Hello all, whoever may still be reading this thread. I'm writing because I've decided its time to finish this thread. Its time, use, relevancy are over really. Its mostly a place where I speak my truth and express my feelings but I think everyone has had more than enough of that. I also don't feel it's safe to share my painful feelings anymore. I hope SR never turns into a place where one can only post if they put on a happy face, but is open to anyone who needs help.

My struggle is far from over. It includes not only recovery but much mental illness. And I'm not going to be cured in a few weeks or months or probably years. And I cannot ask that people bear the repetitiveness of my complaints. I feel awful writing them.

So I want to close this thread by thanking all of you who have reached out to me--most often in support, sometimes in challenge, generously and so often lovingly. I would not have made it these past months without your support, experiences, strengths, kindness and sharing of hope. No words can ever convey what you have shared has meant to me. Just please know I thank you with my whole heart and hope for blessings and kindness to return to you many fold.

Thank you.

Lyoness

=<^o^>=

Dee74

Hi Lyoness

I don't have a problem with this thread other than it's hard to find the time to read it (and other threads in this section)

I don't think anyone expects rainbows and butterflies. That would not be useful to you, and it's not really what SR is about.

Stop posting here by all means if you like, but I think I'd rather the thread stayed open, unless you're adamant it be closed?

D

Fabat50

I am so sorry that you do not feel that it is a safe place to share your feelings Lyoness. You sound so sad. What happened?

Lyoness

Thanks Dee. You can leave the thread open for a couple of days if you feel that's helpful to people. But you'll see no one is using it so it will end up closing one way or another.

Lyoness

Thank you for your kind and caring words. I appreciate your posts.

I just think this thread has served its purpose and I don't believe it helps anyone else anymore. Yes I am sad, past few days have been rough, but why bore everyone with the SOS? I don't really feel I belong here anymore.

Thanks for all your kind words and posts of support.

Lyoness

It's too late to edit or would have added this to my other post. I just wanted to be real clear, Dee, that I'm not nor wasn't asking you to do anything.

I was just acknowledging that I think this thread has run its course and wanted a chance to say Thank You for all the posts, support, help, strength and more that has been so generously shared with me. Even the painful ones I have felt deeply and tried to grow because of.

I wanted to say and

Dee74

I didn't think you were asking me specifically, no Lyoness

D

kzaug2014

Hi Lyoness, I hope you don't mind if I state my opinion regarding the end of this thread.

Sober Recovery is a place where "anyone" should feel free to come and post how they feel...to gather information...to make new friends...to read recovery stories...to chat...to participate in AA, NA or Rational Recovery...to stay strong for the wkend...to read about addicted celebrities in the news...to sharpen their minds w/word games...to gets tips on dieting & fitness...to swap recipes w/one another...to gather with other sober/straight sports enthusiasts...to do daily devotions. I could go on, but I think you understand that I'm saying that I think SR has many purposes....for every type of personality.

Imo, this thread should come to it's end when you are better....and not before. I don't care if that's 10yrs from now...or tomorrow. That's just my lil 'ol opinion & I'm no one special, but I do care about you.

Valentine's (( Hugs )) KZ

Startingover444

I agree with Kzaug, Don't stop the thread Lyoness, it helps a lot of people me included. I think most of us can relate to your struggles. There may be a few who can't but there for the grace of god go they. I am not always around, but I think of you often and I do hope that you are doing ok. I know you have good days and bad days. We all do, that is life and it helps to know that we are all essentially the same. So in my opinion, I would like to see you keep posting.

Soberwolf

Lyoness