Navigating all of this
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
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Sasha and CPTA, in same boat here. CPS assumes "child will be ok because mom is stable and mom can take action in court to protect child." And Court assumes "CPS investigated and didn't take action against dad so dad must be ok." The system couldn't be designed less to actually protect children.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
Even if you don't go for a motion right now, I think it is wise to start gathering evidence. Save every text and email, document every time the kids come home late and every time you observe his hands shaking. I produced a narrative document that is 45 single-spaced pages long, date by date, and that has proven to be (so far) the most effective thing I've done. Clear, extensive documentation of his actions will be convincing to a judge. The whole "this woman broke my heart and so I drink" story speaks to his motivations or state of mind, about which no one cares when it comes to his suitability to parent (no one including a judge). It doesn't matter why he drinks or what his intentions are, all that matters is what he does, and what you can demonstrate that he does.
The other thing I have working against me (weirdly) is that he's a good drunk. He's never done some of the more egregious things that others have experienced - e.g. drinking and driving with the kids, showing up drunk at a school event, etc.
He doesn't slur his words and you might not realize he was drunk until you heard him repeat himself through a prolonged conversation or started to see gaps in a logical argument he was presenting.
When he's drunk he basically just doesn't leave the house with the kids, he lets them hang out and watch TV all day which of course they love. There have been only two times when he's held them out of school. The mediator basically argued that the twins were not in danger - and as such my case isn't strong.
She also said, in so many words - the twins having to go through a terrible custody battle will be worse for them than living with a functional alcoholic. I don't know. She might be right. The twins LOVE their dad and have grown used to being with him more often than not, as right now he has more residential custody than I do - because years ago he argued his "flexible" job allowed him to spend more time with them.
So you're right that I need to keep documenting. I have a 15 page document thus far and I will continue to add to it. If he bails on the meeting in August, that will be one more thing that we can add to the list of commitments made and broken.
And I will just assume that he is actively drinking and continue to be watchful to the point where it again goes out of control.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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I'm back with an update and a request for perspective and thoughts as I approach mediation this weekend.
He didn't bail on the August mediation; at that point I had started to see signs that suggested he was drinking, but no smoking gun. Didn't achieve much.
I started to see more firm evidence of drinking two weeks ago: a FaceTime when he was slurring his words just a bit talking to my daughter, the afternoon he walked more than a mile to pick them up at school for a walk back, the evening my daughter urgently requested my husband's phone and left three audio messages for her dad in a row: "Daddy, I am worried you are not safe. Are you safe? Are the cats ok? Please daddy, I am worried you are not safe. Please leave a message. This is D."
Finally this weekend, a call I had with him when he bailed on plans to come over with the kids for something they could only do at my place. A ten minute conversation: illogical, circular, argumentative and contradictory - he was very clearly drunk.
I contacted the mediator to request an urgent meeting. He said everything was fine and there was no need to meet. I reminded him that he had signed a document saying he would meet at any request within 7 days. We had a quick call with her where I essentially said, "I know you were drunk" and he insisted he was not. She said, "A, I don't think CoParentToA is going to believe you weren't drunk, so you may as well not waste your time trying to convince her."
She reminded him that we agreed to try to mediate, but that if I still don't feel the twins are safe, that I intended to take him to court. She asked us to be "100% honest" with her. We'll meet with her in person this weekend.
So, I guess here's where I am:
I'm becoming more clear on my understanding that he's not recovering and relapsing. He's just not recovered, period. He's cycling every 2.5 to 3.5 months, because that's how long he can stay dry / drink when the kids aren't there / drink when the kids ARE there without me noticing. Then he makes a mistake, I catch him, threaten legal action, and the cycle begins all over again.
The mediator has warned me in the past that there's a very small chance that I could successfully pursue custody or even monitoring. She thinks it would be better to focus on making sure the kids know how to reach out if they ever feel unsafe with their dad. She seems to think the fact that the they are growing up in my stable household is enough to give them the grounding that they need - and that a court battle would be way worse for them than dealing with the present situation with their dad, given that he is functional and making choices that don't endanger them (e.g. not driving while drinking).
If I play out her recommendation in my head, what it looks like is maintaining shared custody but working with a child expert to talk to my kids in an age-appropriate manner about what's happening and what they should do about it if they are ever uncomfortable. (?)
How well that works feels like it depends how quickly they grow up versus the rate at which their dad declines. Like, maybe he's functional NOW, but for how long? At what point are they going to realize he's drinking and not ok (keep in mind I was married to him and didn't even recognize when he was drinking or that he had a problem)? Will they feel disloyal reaching out if there's an issue?
The mediator is good - her background is child development - and I feel that she has consistently kept what's best for the kids front and center, even when I didn't like what that meant for me personally. Maybe she'll shift her "court as last resort" opinion this weekend or use the threat of court to get him to take some action - like resuming voluntary monitoring.
I'm debating asking him for week on / week off custody - that would give us true 50/50 custody (right now he has more than I do) - and it would give him a week he could drink and require he stay dry the next. Maybe more doable than drinking and abstaining every few days?
Overall, I guess I'm trying to wrap my head around whether there is a way to raise emotionally stable kids without fighting for sole custody?
He didn't bail on the August mediation; at that point I had started to see signs that suggested he was drinking, but no smoking gun. Didn't achieve much.
I started to see more firm evidence of drinking two weeks ago: a FaceTime when he was slurring his words just a bit talking to my daughter, the afternoon he walked more than a mile to pick them up at school for a walk back, the evening my daughter urgently requested my husband's phone and left three audio messages for her dad in a row: "Daddy, I am worried you are not safe. Are you safe? Are the cats ok? Please daddy, I am worried you are not safe. Please leave a message. This is D."
Finally this weekend, a call I had with him when he bailed on plans to come over with the kids for something they could only do at my place. A ten minute conversation: illogical, circular, argumentative and contradictory - he was very clearly drunk.
I contacted the mediator to request an urgent meeting. He said everything was fine and there was no need to meet. I reminded him that he had signed a document saying he would meet at any request within 7 days. We had a quick call with her where I essentially said, "I know you were drunk" and he insisted he was not. She said, "A, I don't think CoParentToA is going to believe you weren't drunk, so you may as well not waste your time trying to convince her."
She reminded him that we agreed to try to mediate, but that if I still don't feel the twins are safe, that I intended to take him to court. She asked us to be "100% honest" with her. We'll meet with her in person this weekend.
So, I guess here's where I am:
I'm becoming more clear on my understanding that he's not recovering and relapsing. He's just not recovered, period. He's cycling every 2.5 to 3.5 months, because that's how long he can stay dry / drink when the kids aren't there / drink when the kids ARE there without me noticing. Then he makes a mistake, I catch him, threaten legal action, and the cycle begins all over again.
The mediator has warned me in the past that there's a very small chance that I could successfully pursue custody or even monitoring. She thinks it would be better to focus on making sure the kids know how to reach out if they ever feel unsafe with their dad. She seems to think the fact that the they are growing up in my stable household is enough to give them the grounding that they need - and that a court battle would be way worse for them than dealing with the present situation with their dad, given that he is functional and making choices that don't endanger them (e.g. not driving while drinking).
If I play out her recommendation in my head, what it looks like is maintaining shared custody but working with a child expert to talk to my kids in an age-appropriate manner about what's happening and what they should do about it if they are ever uncomfortable. (?)
How well that works feels like it depends how quickly they grow up versus the rate at which their dad declines. Like, maybe he's functional NOW, but for how long? At what point are they going to realize he's drinking and not ok (keep in mind I was married to him and didn't even recognize when he was drinking or that he had a problem)? Will they feel disloyal reaching out if there's an issue?
The mediator is good - her background is child development - and I feel that she has consistently kept what's best for the kids front and center, even when I didn't like what that meant for me personally. Maybe she'll shift her "court as last resort" opinion this weekend or use the threat of court to get him to take some action - like resuming voluntary monitoring.
I'm debating asking him for week on / week off custody - that would give us true 50/50 custody (right now he has more than I do) - and it would give him a week he could drink and require he stay dry the next. Maybe more doable than drinking and abstaining every few days?
Overall, I guess I'm trying to wrap my head around whether there is a way to raise emotionally stable kids without fighting for sole custody?
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