Navigating all of this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Navigating all of this
Hello,
I am new to this forum, struggling and would appreciate any feedback anyone has to offer.
A quick (but not actually that quick!) history:
I left my AH about five years ago, while we were expecting twins.
At the time, I did not realize he was an A - I would have qualified him as a problem drinker who self medicated when he was stressed. Since then, I look back and recognize he was: a DUI, shaking hands, admissions of having snuck glasses of vodka in the basement when we would get into a weirdly illogical flight, etc.
I found out that he was an A a few years ago, when my babysitter arrived at his place one morning and found him drunk with our toddler who had been with him alone all weekend.
Alarmed, she spoke first with his sister who told her their family had been trying to get him to pursue treatment for the year prior, but he would not, claiming I would use it against him to get custody (he has more parenting time than I do since he had a "flexible job" - read basically unemployed - at the time of our divorce. I pay him about 45% of my income between maintenance and child support, he had been making only a few thousand dollars per year and is still not gainfully employed.)
About a year ago, after I called the police for a welfare check after the nanny told me he was drunk with the twins, I finally convinced his sister to work with me: I also called some of his friends who were able to support her. They had an intervention and indicated that if he did not seek treatment, they did not believe the twins could be safe with him. They implied that they would work with me to take his custody away. A few days later he agreed to pursue treatment.
He attended an "intensive inpatient" treatment and was out very quickly - about 5 weeks - based on his therapists assessment that he was "not that bad an alcoholic" (his words but she nodded) and her believe that his recovery was so strong - "He gives no indication that he will relapse."
He was sober for about six months, then stopped attending aftercare - I believe now he stopped because he relapsed and didn't want their testing to pick it up. He may have gotten back on the wagon but relapsed again or got worse three months later, this past April - again drinking while he had the kids, not taking them to school, etc.
When I realized what was happening I went to his apartment to get the twins and things got physical / scary, but ultimately he let us go.
I contacted his treatment center, which is when I was informed he had stopped aftercare; and they got him a personal therapist to pick up where aftercare left off. She met with AXH and me and we agreed that he would start SoberLink testing again, "so that you can be confident I'm not drinking." We also agreed to a protocol for what happens if he misses a test - it involved the twins coming to me for at least a week and a meeting with the therapist before going back to the parenting schedule.
About two months later, he comes to pick the twins up and my spidey sense goes off. He had been great - like really great - until then. When I asked him if he had been drinking he denied it; but when I reached out to his counselor to say something seems wrong, she said he had just missed two tests - that morning and the night prior. Then he missed two more right after that - he said because he was pissed at me for thinking he had been drinking.
He did not follow the protocol for a missed test - first refusing to have the twins come to my place for a week and then refusing to meet with me and his therapist: he claimed he had not relapsed and since she was his therapist it was "best that she focus on his recovery."
That week the therapist let me know that we could not meet as per the protocol.
Now this weekend - a few weeks later and after another missed test - she emailed me to say that she and AXH had discussed it and decided to discontinue SoberLink testing so that "A can be free to live his life" - and she can "stop policing him and focus fully on supporting his recovery." She cited her confidence that he is in control of his recovery.
I'll admit my first instinct was, seriously? He relapsed a month ago. Could he really be in control of his recovery?? He's thus far not made it past 100 days without monitoring of some variety.
I'm debating taking some sort of court action and feel like my hand is being forced to that end. But I am also trying to wrap my head around a therapist who is somehow convinced he's on his way to recovery in spite of evidence to the contrary. And already picturing his attorney saying; but he's in recovery, look what his therapist says!
Would value any feedback others have to offer. Help?
I am new to this forum, struggling and would appreciate any feedback anyone has to offer.
A quick (but not actually that quick!) history:
I left my AH about five years ago, while we were expecting twins.
At the time, I did not realize he was an A - I would have qualified him as a problem drinker who self medicated when he was stressed. Since then, I look back and recognize he was: a DUI, shaking hands, admissions of having snuck glasses of vodka in the basement when we would get into a weirdly illogical flight, etc.
I found out that he was an A a few years ago, when my babysitter arrived at his place one morning and found him drunk with our toddler who had been with him alone all weekend.
Alarmed, she spoke first with his sister who told her their family had been trying to get him to pursue treatment for the year prior, but he would not, claiming I would use it against him to get custody (he has more parenting time than I do since he had a "flexible job" - read basically unemployed - at the time of our divorce. I pay him about 45% of my income between maintenance and child support, he had been making only a few thousand dollars per year and is still not gainfully employed.)
About a year ago, after I called the police for a welfare check after the nanny told me he was drunk with the twins, I finally convinced his sister to work with me: I also called some of his friends who were able to support her. They had an intervention and indicated that if he did not seek treatment, they did not believe the twins could be safe with him. They implied that they would work with me to take his custody away. A few days later he agreed to pursue treatment.
He attended an "intensive inpatient" treatment and was out very quickly - about 5 weeks - based on his therapists assessment that he was "not that bad an alcoholic" (his words but she nodded) and her believe that his recovery was so strong - "He gives no indication that he will relapse."
He was sober for about six months, then stopped attending aftercare - I believe now he stopped because he relapsed and didn't want their testing to pick it up. He may have gotten back on the wagon but relapsed again or got worse three months later, this past April - again drinking while he had the kids, not taking them to school, etc.
When I realized what was happening I went to his apartment to get the twins and things got physical / scary, but ultimately he let us go.
I contacted his treatment center, which is when I was informed he had stopped aftercare; and they got him a personal therapist to pick up where aftercare left off. She met with AXH and me and we agreed that he would start SoberLink testing again, "so that you can be confident I'm not drinking." We also agreed to a protocol for what happens if he misses a test - it involved the twins coming to me for at least a week and a meeting with the therapist before going back to the parenting schedule.
About two months later, he comes to pick the twins up and my spidey sense goes off. He had been great - like really great - until then. When I asked him if he had been drinking he denied it; but when I reached out to his counselor to say something seems wrong, she said he had just missed two tests - that morning and the night prior. Then he missed two more right after that - he said because he was pissed at me for thinking he had been drinking.
He did not follow the protocol for a missed test - first refusing to have the twins come to my place for a week and then refusing to meet with me and his therapist: he claimed he had not relapsed and since she was his therapist it was "best that she focus on his recovery."
That week the therapist let me know that we could not meet as per the protocol.
Now this weekend - a few weeks later and after another missed test - she emailed me to say that she and AXH had discussed it and decided to discontinue SoberLink testing so that "A can be free to live his life" - and she can "stop policing him and focus fully on supporting his recovery." She cited her confidence that he is in control of his recovery.
I'll admit my first instinct was, seriously? He relapsed a month ago. Could he really be in control of his recovery?? He's thus far not made it past 100 days without monitoring of some variety.
I'm debating taking some sort of court action and feel like my hand is being forced to that end. But I am also trying to wrap my head around a therapist who is somehow convinced he's on his way to recovery in spite of evidence to the contrary. And already picturing his attorney saying; but he's in recovery, look what his therapist says!
Would value any feedback others have to offer. Help?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
First and foremost, your children's safety must be a priority. Your hand is not being forced; he makes his own decisions. An active A, whether sober at the moment or not, cannot meet the emotional and physical needs of a child. If they are sober, their thoughts are primarily focused on calculating the amount of time until they can drink, not on the care of the children. I think that if you are to document all of this, including his breaking of the sobriety agreement and his inability or unwillingness to follow through on it, you really have a good start. I would think any rational judge would look at this situation and think that his therapist is an idiot. Also, if his treatment therapist said that "he gives no indication that he will relapse", she is an idiot as well. Any experienced alcohol/drug therapist would know that you do not make those statements when their patient is this early on in sobriety. Many alcoholics are master-manipulators and his therapists seem to be easily influenced by his "charm", for lack of a better word. I would think contacting an experienced alcohol therapist to testify with their experience working with alcoholics would help. Maybe even contacting the one at his treatment center who said that he showed no indication of relapse. She may take back her words on that one.... I wish I had better advice for you. Let us know how things continue to play out and we will do our best to support you. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Best to bring your concerns to the courts ASAP.
They might not fly far this time but.
A paper trail must be started somewhere.
Now seems like a good time ?
Many have waited, only later to wish that they wouldn't have.
M-Bob
They might not fly far this time but.
A paper trail must be started somewhere.
Now seems like a good time ?
Many have waited, only later to wish that they wouldn't have.
M-Bob
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, the good part is that the therapist has records, documenting missed testings, etc. It should not be that difficult for YOU to retain a COMPETENT alcohol expert to dispute the conclusions she has reached based on her documented treatment.
I'd find a good lawyer, fill him/her in on all of the above, and seek court orders to back up your very reasonable demand for continued monitoring.
I'd find a good lawyer, fill him/her in on all of the above, and seek court orders to back up your very reasonable demand for continued monitoring.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
It's good to get some second opinions thru this. I've been shocked at some of what I've heard. He seems to have convinced both family and therapists that he never drinks when he has the kids, something I know isn't true. One said, when I questioned him going back to full parenting time so soon after his treatment started (2 or 3 weeks I think), "Well, it's good for him to immediately get back to the pressure of real life. If he's going to mess up, wouldn't you rather that happen when we are monitoring him?"
Um no. I would rather not that my children are used to pressure test an alcoholics hold on sobriety.
I've been in touch with my attorney throughout the whole ordeal. He knows AXH's attorney and the state we are in, which makes legal action really difficult. It's why I wanted to work WITH my ex and not via the courts. He has advised that a custody motion based on alcoholism would be difficult because we cannot prove that he is putting the kids in "clear and immediate danger" which as far as I can tell means solely driving with them - simply drinking with them or being an alcoholic are not enough. I spent a few thousand dollars on a PI, but because my ex lived in an apartment and never drank outside of it, it was impossible to track much of anything. And the fact that he has pursued treatment will work for him, in proving to the courts that he is committed to sobriety.
Instead my attorney had advised we prepare a motion for sole custody based on fighting about custody - something that happens as a byproduct of me suspecting he is drinking and the fights that then ensue, some of them involving the police and all of them scary for the twins.
That said, until the other day, my ex was willingly being monitored; so I need to speak with him about requesting we seek court ordered monitoring.
The strange thing in all of this is that he's been a very good co-parent in all other aspects. Maybe that's alcoholic charm? He had been very angry about the divorce and that came thru in the first years of my our coparenting. Now he is helpful and cooperative and I can't help but wonder, "Does he think he will get more leeway with drinking this way?"
I do keep a written log of all of this, plus emails and screen shots of all communications with both him and his sister: when you read that all together it's pretty compelling. And yet I have not much faith in the courts as several years ago they awarded him such a lucrative financial settlement.
Um no. I would rather not that my children are used to pressure test an alcoholics hold on sobriety.
I've been in touch with my attorney throughout the whole ordeal. He knows AXH's attorney and the state we are in, which makes legal action really difficult. It's why I wanted to work WITH my ex and not via the courts. He has advised that a custody motion based on alcoholism would be difficult because we cannot prove that he is putting the kids in "clear and immediate danger" which as far as I can tell means solely driving with them - simply drinking with them or being an alcoholic are not enough. I spent a few thousand dollars on a PI, but because my ex lived in an apartment and never drank outside of it, it was impossible to track much of anything. And the fact that he has pursued treatment will work for him, in proving to the courts that he is committed to sobriety.
Instead my attorney had advised we prepare a motion for sole custody based on fighting about custody - something that happens as a byproduct of me suspecting he is drinking and the fights that then ensue, some of them involving the police and all of them scary for the twins.
That said, until the other day, my ex was willingly being monitored; so I need to speak with him about requesting we seek court ordered monitoring.
The strange thing in all of this is that he's been a very good co-parent in all other aspects. Maybe that's alcoholic charm? He had been very angry about the divorce and that came thru in the first years of my our coparenting. Now he is helpful and cooperative and I can't help but wonder, "Does he think he will get more leeway with drinking this way?"
I do keep a written log of all of this, plus emails and screen shots of all communications with both him and his sister: when you read that all together it's pretty compelling. And yet I have not much faith in the courts as several years ago they awarded him such a lucrative financial settlement.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by CoParentToA 
When I realized what was happening I went to his apartment to get the twins and things got physical / scary, but ultimately he let us go.
It's going to get worse unless/until he gets sober and stays that way.
You can try the cooperative route, but I'd have a Plan B. Also, even if the court doesn't buy it this time, you are creating a record for any future incidents.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
The last time I was at his apartment, he pushed me when I tried to step into the kitchen. Then he twisted my arm behind my back trying to get my phone.
He's also called me a psycho and a stalker in front of the twins. And driven his car away while I was leaning into my son's window.
I think that's why my attorney thinks this "arguing about custody" route is the way to go.
I think I'm done with Plan A and ready to move to Plan B. But I still struggle with, could the therapist be RIGHT that he's doing so much better?
Then I remind myself how he's snowed me in the past: he lied to my face that he hadn't been drinking the day prior. I was actually starting to believe he was sincere when he leaned in to stop me from going into his kitchen and I smelled his breath. He's got a total good guy vibe, so earnest and willing to talk about how much happier he is sober, etc. Even for someone like me who should know better by now, he is SO crazy convincing.
He's also called me a psycho and a stalker in front of the twins. And driven his car away while I was leaning into my son's window.
I think that's why my attorney thinks this "arguing about custody" route is the way to go.
I think I'm done with Plan A and ready to move to Plan B. But I still struggle with, could the therapist be RIGHT that he's doing so much better?
Then I remind myself how he's snowed me in the past: he lied to my face that he hadn't been drinking the day prior. I was actually starting to believe he was sincere when he leaned in to stop me from going into his kitchen and I smelled his breath. He's got a total good guy vibe, so earnest and willing to talk about how much happier he is sober, etc. Even for someone like me who should know better by now, he is SO crazy convincing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There you go, he COULD have been criminally charged.
Your lawyer might be right, OTOH, how much does s/he actually know about alcoholism? As I said, an experienced alcohol counselor or family therapist might be able to explain to the judge why he does still pose a risk, and that the children ARE at serious risk of emotional (if not physical) harm if he drinks while they are in his custody.
Your lawyer might be right, OTOH, how much does s/he actually know about alcoholism? As I said, an experienced alcohol counselor or family therapist might be able to explain to the judge why he does still pose a risk, and that the children ARE at serious risk of emotional (if not physical) harm if he drinks while they are in his custody.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
My attorney was skeptical about my ability to get court-ordered sobriety monitoring for my STBXAH, but we filed a motion. Upon his attorney's advice, he agreed to comply without contesting it in court. I think you have much stronger evidence than I did.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The strange thing in all of this is that he's been a very good co-parent in all other aspects.
really???
I found out that he was an A a few years ago, when my babysitter arrived at his place one morning and found him drunk with our toddler who had been with him alone all weekend.
About a year ago, after I called the police for a welfare check after the nanny told me he was drunk with the twins
but relapsed again or got worse three months later, this past April - again drinking while he had the kids, not taking them to school, etc.
When I realized what was happening I went to his apartment to get the twins and things got physical / scary, but ultimately he let us go.
tell me what of ANY of the above demonstrates GOOD parenting?
really???
I found out that he was an A a few years ago, when my babysitter arrived at his place one morning and found him drunk with our toddler who had been with him alone all weekend.
About a year ago, after I called the police for a welfare check after the nanny told me he was drunk with the twins
but relapsed again or got worse three months later, this past April - again drinking while he had the kids, not taking them to school, etc.
When I realized what was happening I went to his apartment to get the twins and things got physical / scary, but ultimately he let us go.
tell me what of ANY of the above demonstrates GOOD parenting?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
The strange thing in all of this is that he's been a very good co-parent in all other aspects.
really???
...
tell me what of ANY of the above demonstrates GOOD parenting?
really???
...
tell me what of ANY of the above demonstrates GOOD parenting?
Hopefully there is a way to acknowledge that a dramatic shift in other behavior has occurred - eg he no longer tries to punish me by withholding contact to the twins, refusing to trade days, pitch in or pay for things they need, bring up old wounds or anything else that reflects his maintained anger at me, etc - without suggesting that he's a good parent overall. That change has been so stark that my current husband has at times classified it as "too good to be true." It's confusing to me inasmuch as it feels like that behavior and getting past his anger at me would he more consistent with someone who is recovering than someone who is not.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Find a good lawyer who specializes in dealing with custody issues where addiction is present. It appears that well-timed call to CPS, combined with his unemployment, continuation of drinking, and rehab records should allow you to at least to get him to wear a "bracelet", mandatory testing, have supervised visitation, or any combination of the above. The side benefit of him not having overnight visitation would be not having to pay child support to him.
That therapist is clueless - it would be ok not to monitor if no kids were present. She must have no children.
Is he willingly underemployed? I am surprised he was awarded maintenance, but, again, I live in a southern state and courts here are very "traditional" - this would be unheard of here, especially given the addiction.
Good luck!
That therapist is clueless - it would be ok not to monitor if no kids were present. She must have no children.
Is he willingly underemployed? I am surprised he was awarded maintenance, but, again, I live in a southern state and courts here are very "traditional" - this would be unheard of here, especially given the addiction.
Good luck!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
My impression, from what you have written, is like Nata1980---I wondered if that counselor has any children of her own (or his own)....
I have found that many of those who have no children just do not realize all of the things a parent of young children have to think of all of the time!
Also, some people who have a lot of social "charm". and some narcissistic leanings, can turn it on and off like a camelion.....and they can sucker in a lot of people....
try to stay strong and get all the help from everywhere you can.....
Knowledge is power....
dandylion
I have found that many of those who have no children just do not realize all of the things a parent of young children have to think of all of the time!
Also, some people who have a lot of social "charm". and some narcissistic leanings, can turn it on and off like a camelion.....and they can sucker in a lot of people....
try to stay strong and get all the help from everywhere you can.....
Knowledge is power....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
I don't know if his current therapist has children, but I know his first one did - the one who advised "pressure testing" going back to the normal parenting schedule.
When I met with his current therapist, I mentioned to her that I knew at some point she might say that he was her primary responsibility and not the kids, but she assured me that no, she would not say that, she felt that keeping the kids safe was a core part of her commitment to his treatment.
It's less than four months later and she's already reversing her position. That leaves me to believe he's convinced her that his July relapse, wasn't. And this in spite of the fact that she KNOWS he lied to her about "still being out of range" when he missed his third and fourth tests in a row.
Anyway, I just emailed both of them. It was a detailed note that included many facts, some of which I hope might get her to reconsider her perspective that he's gone out of his way to help others see his recovery - actually, what he's done is made commitments to get me off his back and then backed out of those same commitments when it made him "stressed and angry." He says that "stress and anger are the reasons he drinks," therefore it gets in the way of his recovery. So any sort of commitment that might be stressful to follow through on is really going to get in the way of his recovery. Feels a little circular to me.
The goal of my note was to get them to discuss my request to introduce a third party therapist who would represent the twins, help us to establish proactive monitoring and mediate situations where there is a concern.
I don't hold out much hope but I'm glad to have the formal request out there, so we can move to Plan B as necessary.
Regarding the financial settlement, don't get me started! The judge said, regardless of what's happening, it's clear this guy is going to need some time to get onto his feet and become self-sufficient. Thank goodness my attorney talked me into a longer time period to ensure that there was a set end date - he told me, "Trust me, otherwise you are going to end up financing this guy for the rest of your life." At the time, it was the one thing he told me that I really thought was being blown out of proportion, and yet it probably ended up being worth the whole fee I paid to him!
When I met with his current therapist, I mentioned to her that I knew at some point she might say that he was her primary responsibility and not the kids, but she assured me that no, she would not say that, she felt that keeping the kids safe was a core part of her commitment to his treatment.
It's less than four months later and she's already reversing her position. That leaves me to believe he's convinced her that his July relapse, wasn't. And this in spite of the fact that she KNOWS he lied to her about "still being out of range" when he missed his third and fourth tests in a row.
Anyway, I just emailed both of them. It was a detailed note that included many facts, some of which I hope might get her to reconsider her perspective that he's gone out of his way to help others see his recovery - actually, what he's done is made commitments to get me off his back and then backed out of those same commitments when it made him "stressed and angry." He says that "stress and anger are the reasons he drinks," therefore it gets in the way of his recovery. So any sort of commitment that might be stressful to follow through on is really going to get in the way of his recovery. Feels a little circular to me.
The goal of my note was to get them to discuss my request to introduce a third party therapist who would represent the twins, help us to establish proactive monitoring and mediate situations where there is a concern.
I don't hold out much hope but I'm glad to have the formal request out there, so we can move to Plan B as necessary.
Regarding the financial settlement, don't get me started! The judge said, regardless of what's happening, it's clear this guy is going to need some time to get onto his feet and become self-sufficient. Thank goodness my attorney talked me into a longer time period to ensure that there was a set end date - he told me, "Trust me, otherwise you are going to end up financing this guy for the rest of your life." At the time, it was the one thing he told me that I really thought was being blown out of proportion, and yet it probably ended up being worth the whole fee I paid to him!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
CPTA, just sending you a solidarity fist bump. When I divorced my first husband (who was not an A, but WAS a stay at home dad to our daughters), I *also* ended up paying a shocking amount of my income to him in child support and alimony. I never once (and never will) complained about the child support, but that alimony...ugh. The resulting financial disaster was a big part of why I couldn't/wouldn't leave my alcoholic second husband.
Hang in there...
Hang in there...
Human
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Earth
Posts: 183
My first thought was to get someone to specifically represent the children involved, so I'm glad that conclusion has already been arrived at! Just here to wish you luck. He sounds like he has all the resources to sort out his demons, but you can lead a horse to water and all that. Mind blowing how the therapists can brush him off after such short instances. The fact that there's been multiple instances should be a clue in itself. I've read that anything therapist related can sometimes take some shuffling, until you find the right ones for yourself etc. Sounds like he needs to try different programs. Good luck all around, sending lots of positives to your little ones!
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Posts: 3,581
The goal of my note was to get them to discuss my request to introduce a third party therapist who would .represent the twins, help us to establish proactive monitoring and mediate situations where there is a concern
Why don't you get an attorney to represent the best interest of your children and yourself instead of going the circuitous route of another therapist? Nothing about this is formal...there is no legal jurisdiction regarding what you are doing.
It sounds that you have put a lot of responsibility on his therapist that really isn't her responsibility. How can she possibly look after the "best interests" of your children, dependent on this alcoholic to be truthful with her about what he is up to? It's less than four months later and she's already reversing her position. That leaves me to believe he's convinced her that his July relapse, wasn't. And this in spite of the fact that she KNOWS he lied to her about "still being out of range" when he missed his third and fourth tests in a row.
You have no idea what has transpired between him and her, none. All you know is she is HIS therapist and not yours or your kids. If you had a legal agreement regarding his drinking when he missed the "protocol" for missed tests. As is it is nothing more than a worthless agreement. He does as he pleases, on your dime I might add.
After the night he twisted your arm scary/physical that he still has contact with these children without supervision is astounding to me, never mind the multiple times he has been caught drunk with them.
Get an attorney and REALLY protect your kids, while at it why don't you go back and get a modification of all this support. 45% of your income could pay for a really good nanny in your own home that doesn't have to blow into sober link before you drop the kids off, and cross your fingers that their father isn't sh!t snockered while "taking care of them". You have plenty of sufficient evidence to put him under a microscope, at the very least.
Why don't you get an attorney to represent the best interest of your children and yourself instead of going the circuitous route of another therapist? Nothing about this is formal...there is no legal jurisdiction regarding what you are doing.
It sounds that you have put a lot of responsibility on his therapist that really isn't her responsibility. How can she possibly look after the "best interests" of your children, dependent on this alcoholic to be truthful with her about what he is up to? It's less than four months later and she's already reversing her position. That leaves me to believe he's convinced her that his July relapse, wasn't. And this in spite of the fact that she KNOWS he lied to her about "still being out of range" when he missed his third and fourth tests in a row.
You have no idea what has transpired between him and her, none. All you know is she is HIS therapist and not yours or your kids. If you had a legal agreement regarding his drinking when he missed the "protocol" for missed tests. As is it is nothing more than a worthless agreement. He does as he pleases, on your dime I might add.
After the night he twisted your arm scary/physical that he still has contact with these children without supervision is astounding to me, never mind the multiple times he has been caught drunk with them.
Get an attorney and REALLY protect your kids, while at it why don't you go back and get a modification of all this support. 45% of your income could pay for a really good nanny in your own home that doesn't have to blow into sober link before you drop the kids off, and cross your fingers that their father isn't sh!t snockered while "taking care of them". You have plenty of sufficient evidence to put him under a microscope, at the very least.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Unfortunately it's not that easy. I'm not sure if you've ever had to deal in the court system of this specific state, but I can tell you that all this "evidence" would be shot down in a minute by his pitbull attorney who would claim that he is an upstanding father who proactively sought treatment and has his alcoholism under control.
The "evidence" in many cases is things like me smelling his breath or even him twisting my arm - is a he said / she said situation unlikely to hold up in court.
My nanny doesn't have English as her first language and on the first interaction she had with my attorney, he assessed that xhA's attorney would crucify her if we asked her to testify.
My best chance of anyone testifying against him is his sister. And that's a real stretch.
In the meantime, the paper trail of my requests, his commitments and then reversal of those commitments is laying the paper trail we need to walk into court.
Which, to be clear - is what the Plan B motion I'm currently drafting would seek to do.
The "evidence" in many cases is things like me smelling his breath or even him twisting my arm - is a he said / she said situation unlikely to hold up in court.
My nanny doesn't have English as her first language and on the first interaction she had with my attorney, he assessed that xhA's attorney would crucify her if we asked her to testify.
My best chance of anyone testifying against him is his sister. And that's a real stretch.
In the meantime, the paper trail of my requests, his commitments and then reversal of those commitments is laying the paper trail we need to walk into court.
Which, to be clear - is what the Plan B motion I'm currently drafting would seek to do.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm a lawyer, and in civil/family court, you don't have to prove anything beyond a reasonable doubt. So when it's "he said/she said" if "she" is more believable than "he" is--just a little more--her evidence (which could be her own testimony) will carry the day.
"Pitbull" lawyers make a lot of noise, and part of what they try to do is to make you BELIEVE you cannot possibly win. Sounds like this guy has done a pretty good job convincing you of that. I think you are underestimating your chances.
"Pitbull" lawyers make a lot of noise, and part of what they try to do is to make you BELIEVE you cannot possibly win. Sounds like this guy has done a pretty good job convincing you of that. I think you are underestimating your chances.
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